How do I get hubby aboard?

[questions]

I could definitely use some on the part of my hubby.

Although he was raised with very little in life and I'm the opposite...it seems as though the tables are flipped now that we are married and have a family. He believes that since he didn’t have things when he was young – now is his time and since life is short – he believes in living in the moment, instead of planning for the future. I have made small triumphs with him – like shopping at Goodwill for clothing and not buying name brand groceries. BUT, when it comes to cable & entertainment – I cant seem to budge him. He has to have the elite cable service to watch every sports game and three of us have cell phones with big packages so our cable, telephone & internet = average $250/month and cell phone = $225/month. Then we cant seem to budget gas because he drives a lot for his job (but doesn’t put the mileage reimbursement back into the family budget) and we cant budget groceries.

I have tried menus & cash only for groceries but I will have him pick things up on the way home from work and it ends up spending more money.

Just wondering if you might have any advice, references, etc that I can use to help get my husband on board with me. I seem to sacrifice personal vacations, clothing, home improvements, etc because our money is being wasted in these other areas.

[snafu]

I empathize and understand, DH's eyes glaze over when I explain aout money. What you've explained is serious. DH may be an adult in age but he's pretty immature when it comes to money management. Is his behavior reflecting other issues? Can arrangements be made to have gas reimbursement direct deposited? What is the money spent on? Why not use the last reimbursement to fund the current gas fill ups?

What is the penalty to cancel the 'family' mobile phone package and get the service level appropriate for you and the 3rd person? If 'elite' cable service is 'affordable' for your income and obligations it's negotiable, if it causes a deficit, I'd tell the family of your intention to decrease cable to whatever figure is affordable the day the Bowl games end.

[bjl584]

One possible solution, although not ideal, is to take total and full control of the finances.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. But, if you can't see eye to eye on money, then take full control over it, at least in the short term until you can change his way of thinking.

[phantom]

Let me preface this advice by saying that, based on the tone of your post, I am assuming that you and your husband do make pretty good money and can afford to spend some money on entertainment and frivolous things and that you just need to work on keeping that spending in check. If things are actually very, very tight, ignore me.

It sounds to me like the two of you need to talk about priorities. I would start out by just talking to your husband about what things are important to each of you. It's obvious that sports on TV and a big cell phone plan are pretty important to him. But, are they really more important to him than vacations and home improvements? I think it helps to have a good idea of where you agree and disagree on what is important before you start throwing numbers around. It's entirely possible that the ability to sit at home and see 10 different football games with the click of a button is just as important to him as the ability to take vacations is to you. But, it's also possible that he just knows he wants sports on TV and hasn't really given any thought to whether or not that gets in the way of other things that are also important to him. Depending on where the disconnect is, you might need to work out a way to compromise or you might just need to help him adjust his way of thinking about purchases.

Once you have a good idea of what is important, you can start putting numbers together. Start by budgeting for things you definitely need, like food and housing and retirement savings and such. Then add in the fun things that you both agree are important. Then look at what's left, up to half of it could be yours to spend as you see fit and up to half of it could be his. If there's a lot there, you might add a few more joint goals. If there's too little for your husband to spend all he likes, double check that there's nothing already on the list that could go. If there isn't, it should be clear that he'll need to cut back on what he wants.

If your husband is really reluctant to sit down and talk numbers with you, I would try explaining that you don't want to just blindly say no to him on things because they feel excessive to you. He needs to help you figure out what things are important enough to both of you to justify getting your money, and the only way to really do that is to have actual numbers.

No matter what, the gas situation sounds screwy. There is no good reason that reimbursements for gas shouldn't be paying for future gas purchases. Sure, you might need a buffer in your gas budget for months when expenses are higher than they were in the previous month, and you should definitely be adding money for personal driving every month. But, money that you receive in direct relation to how much is being spent on gas, should definitely go back into the gas budget. I would present this to your husband as just an accounting change. Whatever he is currently spending the reimbursements can be part of the normal family budget, and the decision of whether or not to keep paying for it can be an entirely separate discussion.

As for the grocery issue, I would consider building room into the grocery budget for your husband to make occasional audibles. I would still keep a grocery budget, but I would make sure there was some room for him to spend a little over what you consider to be the bare minimum from time to time. The key is to reach an agreement on what is reasonable to spend on groceries and then for you both to stick to it. If your husband keeps overspending even when there is a budget, you need to get to the bottom of why. If he really feels like the purchases he's making make sense, you need to find a way to compromise on what is reasonable for him to spend. If he's having a hard time stopping himself from buying things he knows he doesn't need, you might need to stop asking him to pick things up at the store until he can learn to control himself.

In general, it sounds like you could stand to go through your spending with a fine tooth comb and figure out what you're paying for that you don't actually need. If you're husband is the only one who really wants top of the line cell phone plan, can you change your plan to scale back the features that you pay for on the other two phones? Do you really need the land line with three cell phones? Are there online subscription services for the sports your husband likes that could be less expensive than cable? Would a beer at the bar twice a week allow him to watch just as many sports for less money? I'm not sure about those last two suggestions, but my point is that there might be other less expensive ways for your husband to watch sports.

[jpg7n16]

I read alot about what YOU want from the finances, but not really what HE wants. I saw that you said he wants to live in the now, but everyone has some plan in mind for their future.

Does he have a degree? Then he obviously knows how to plan for the future.


I think you need to try and understand more of where he's coming from. Ask him questions to figure out what he values, and what his idea of the future is.

Ask questions about how he plans to pay for the future? Where will that money come from?


And sports to guys is more than just enjoying watching the game. It's talking about the game with the guys at work (man, you see the 9ers go to overtime again?? is it another Roll Tide year? I picked up Bryce Brown on waivers this week). It's being able to invite people over for the big match and show off. It's a break from the stress of work.

[elessar78]

I'd approach it this way . . . ask him to track his spending, down to the dollar or penny (your choice). It should be pretty simple with your handy dandy smart phones, all you need is to download an app.

At the end of a month or two or three. Sit down with him and show him numbers. Relate the opportunity cost of these numbers: how much will you have in retirement? what vacations have you foregone because he can't stop spending? your kid's college fund? What does he have to show for his spending?

The important thing too, once you have an accurate picture of his spending habits, is to step it down with manageable goals. You're not going to take a guy spending $300/week on "fun" to $20/week immediately. Don't try to win the war all at once, take small victories as they come. Get him to reduce spending, by say $10 every two weeks. If all goes well, you'll have reduced the spending by $260 in a year. Or try different tacks... like demanding his mileage reimbursement be put into the family grocery fund.

Marriage is a give and take. Even the densest guy has to understand that. If all he has to give up to make you happy is $10 every two weeks, for example, I'd take that.

[RickLeibo]

A good wife

Do what any good wife does, Hide money! I have a good friend whose wife always has thousands hidden. even if you start with small amounts, put away what you can!