Mingling with the well-to-do ... How to hang with the upper class

[newlywed2012]

Not talking about material possessions like cars or houses, but what are some things that signal to others you're from (or aspire to be in) the upper class?

A woman I know through work has been so kind to me and stands out as a very elegant lady. She looks polished in her clothes and neatly styled hair, she doesn't curse, and she makes sure to say hello and goodbye to every person by name, right down to each janitor when we leave the building at night. She knows the names of every person who gets on the elevator at night, from other offices. Through talking with her over several months I found out she has a second home and just works to fill her time until her husband retires. She made a comment to me recently that the other women we work with (who have not been welcoming to me at all) are very jealous of me because I'm "sophisticated and obviously come from a different social standing" than the rest of my coworkers. I found this so intriguing because it's not accurate! I come from a poor background and drive an old compact car, but I always act professional at work and more mature than the others my age and I make sure my suits are clean and tailored.

So this got me thinking, almost like Mr. Ripley - what are things that typically the wealthy do? I've noticed she never talks about money, unlike a lot of people. She never drinks from a can, instead pouring drinks into a real glass she's brought in from home. She plays golf, which I took up last year to meet people and make connections. I'm curious what things set me apart from the others so it's got me thinking.

[EEinNJ]

Having good manners doesn't cost a penny, and having some class matters more than what class you're in financially. Your co-worker may be wealthy, or just a tad pretentious.

"The Millionaire Next Door" was a great book for exposing the truth about people who REALLY have money. The man who owns a septic cleaning business, drives a pickup and shops at Walmart may be loaded, while a doctor driving a Lexus living in a big house with a trophy wife may be drowning in debt.

I used to fly airplanes- an expensive hobby. The people I met were achievers, but down-to-earth, not flashy- and I'm sure, some were quite wealthy.

If social climbing matters to you, attending charity functions & political fundraisers are places where the "well-to-do" mingle. Or you could join the country club!

[MonkeyMama]

It's hard for me to answer your question directly, but I grew up in an interesting region with lots of "rags to riches" so I don't think I have the same status/mental picture/class warfare picture that many do. My family (grandparents/aunts) were VERY poor, and so I am used to interacting with a wide variety of social classes. I know a lot of "Millionaire Next Door" types - they blend in, but maybe tend to be more happy and optimistic due to not having the stresses of money. Though a lot of them come from meager means and will always stress. I know my father will always stress about money on a level I don't identify with - even though he has done very well.

I have a lot of wealthy clients, but they also tend to be Millionaire Next Door types. Which probably leads to a perception that people who are really flashy don't necessarily have a lot of money (or aren't working very hard to keep their wealth).

We moved to a cheaper region in 2001, and has been an interesting culture shock on many levels. There isn't as much wealth here, but we could easily afford a home in the most wealthy zip code. (The house cost as much as our old condo on the so-so side of the tracks). I was initially intimidated, and remember having a conversation with an older woman who was very concerned about seeing cars parked on the streets and driveways and wanted to complain to HOA. Apparently cars are an eye sore! I thought, "What have we gotten ourselves into?" Over time though I have met a lot of less well off people in the region, who were VERY flashy. Culture shock. The more I get to know my neighbors, the more they are the types to buy used cars and admit to thrift store shopping. There are a lot of business owners/work from home types - VERY down to earth and frugal. It's another reminder that having money and keeping money takes some conscious effort. I find these people refreshing - they don't tend to be very materialistic - more focused on investing. They spend a lot of time on helping the school, politics, etc. I think they just have more time and education, than anything else. Since they don't necessarily have to work so much (or flip side - very motivated and hard working). I've seem many comments around here how stay-home types do everything when it comes to school/volunteering. Not at my kids' school!! Some VERY involved working parents. But maybe they don't work under traditional structures and limits. {I do wonder if some of the uber successful that I know *ever* sleep?}

I tend to more view people who are careful with their money as probably being more wealthy, through all these experiences. & I agree, people with money won't talk about it. If they want to keep it for the long run (not be constantly scammed and asked for loans, etc.).

[Blessed]

The very wealthy people I know honestly seem no different from anyone else. You would never know they were so wealthy if you didn't know them well. These people can also tell me where to find the best bargains. Nope, one would never guess they are millionaires.

[Nika]

The very wealthy people I know honestly seem no different from anyone else. You would never know they were so wealthy if you didn't know them well. These people can also tell me where to find the best bargains. Nope, one would never guess they are millionaires.

Those who are wealthy in NY, are of the 1% kind of wealthy. They did not get there by saving and looking for bargains, or by being doctors or lawyers or brokers (those are just rich, not wealthy). People who make 250-1 mil a year have a much nicer standard of living but they still have to watch what they do.

"Wealthy" is family money that they can't outspend no matter what they do.
NYC shops have purses that are from 4 to upwards 10K PER PURSE. I have a friend that works in a high-end salon (read - good tip is $100+) and there are clients that come 3-4 times a week for wash and blowdry -- they are wealthy enough to not ever wash their hair themselves. They touch up hair every 6 weeks, and if they are away will fly the colorist for 1 day to do their hair where they are, so it would look the same. They don't care about such amounts, to them it is like worrying about how much you would spend on a street snack in china - 12 cents or 20 cents would be to you. They have multiple houses with full time staff...

You don't get to that level by saving from your paycheck.
You get to a comfortable middle or upper-middle class lifestyle and if you are determined, responsible and lucky.
You don't get to be wealthy by doing that.

[asmom]

None of the things you mentioned are exclusive to the "upper class". I've known lots and lots of poor people with etiquette and class. You will find quality people in every socioeconomic class.

[ecoadapt]

Material wise it is not hard to distinguished a rich person from not so rich. But,when it comes to 'breeding' there are people who are rich who don't act like one,or too proud to act like one. While there are people who are not so rich but looks and act like a genuine rich.

[MonkeyMama]

Those who are wealthy in NY, are of the 1% kind of wealthy. They did not get there by saving and looking for bargains, or by being doctors or lawyers or brokers (those are just rich, not wealthy).

"Wealthy" is family money that they can't outspend no matter what they do.

You don't get to that level by saving from your paycheck.
You get to a comfortable middle or upper-middle class lifestyle and if you are determined, responsible and lucky.
You don't get to be wealthy by doing that.

I suppose some place like NYC is heavy in "old money."

California is heavy in "new money." Saving your paycheck will often make all the difference. (It's more like saving your income if you are a business owner). I know plenty of Doctors who make *millions.* Some spend millions, and will never be truly wealthy. Others save most of it and their heirs will never worry about money again. It is quite common to go from "poor" to "top 1%" in one generation, around here.

Savings rate can really be everything when it comes to "new money." Probably why these types do tend to be more down to earth - particularly those who can hang on to their money and succeed in the long run.

As far as the uniqueness of the culture here - I do have a neighbor who is a billionaire. I want to be quite clear I know the difference between the middle class and the wealthy. It's not everywhere that the lower middle class and middle class lives in the same neighborhood as the billionaire. But it happens here. I realize it's a unique culture. My SIL had an immediate neighbor who was extraodinarily wealthy. Talk about "Millionaire Next Door" - she lives in a very modest neighborhood.

[neguy11]

Honestly, knowing that she is working a job just to "fill her time" rubs me the wrong way. There are so many people who are having difficulty finding employment, meanwhile she is occupying a job just to "fill her time?" Why not just VOLUNTEER?

[Blessed]

I suppose some place like NYC is heavy in "old money."

California is heavy in "new money." Saving your paycheck will often make all the difference. (It's more like saving your income if you are a business owner). I know plenty of Doctors who make *millions.* Some spend millions, and will never be truly wealthy. Others save most of it and their heirs will never worry about money again. It is quite common to go from "poor" to "top 1%" in one generation, around here.

Savings rate can really be everything when it comes to "new money." Probably why these types do tend to be more down to earth - particularly those who can hang on to their money and succeed in the long run.

As far as the uniqueness of the culture here - I do have a neighbor who is a billionaire. I want to be quite clear I know the difference between the middle class and the wealthy. It's not everywhere that the lower middle class and middle class lives in the same neighborhood as the billionaire. But it happens here. I realize it's a unique culture. My SIL had an immediate neighbor who was extraodinarily wealthy. Talk about "Millionaire Next Door" - she lives in a very modest neighborhood.

I agree it isn't that uncommon to go from poor to millionaire. One of the people I know is rich as in just donated 4 million. To me that is pretty wealthy to be able to drop donations like that. She can tell me the best bottle of wine under $10 and never has set foot in lots of places rich are expected to go and never likely will.

[snafu]

Our region is the business section of the oil patch with most wealth newly minted. I've noticed that those people are easily identified by how well organized they are, they have facts at their fingertips and know what they want to accomplish and a plan do it. While they are well mannered their kids are rude and full of their own self importance. I'm already worried about who will be in charge in 20-30 years.

[Blessed]

I suppose some place like NYC is heavy in "old money."

California is heavy in "new money." Saving your paycheck will often make all the difference. (It's more like saving your income if you are a business owner). I know plenty of Doctors who make *millions.* Some spend millions, and will never be truly wealthy. Others save most of it and their heirs will never worry about money again. It is quite common to go from "poor" to "top 1%" in one generation, around here.

Savings rate can really be everything when it comes to "new money." Probably why these types do tend to be more down to earth - particularly those who can hang on to their money and succeed in the long run.

As far as the uniqueness of the culture here - I do have a neighbor who is a billionaire. I want to be quite clear I know the difference between the middle class and the wealthy. It's not everywhere that the lower middle class and middle class lives in the same neighborhood as the billionaire. But it happens here. I realize it's a unique culture. My SIL had an immediate neighbor who was extraodinarily wealthy. Talk about "Millionaire Next Door" - she lives in a very modest neighborhood.

Our region is the business section of the oil patch with most wealth newly minted. I've noticed that those people are easily identified by how well organized they are, they have facts at their fingertips and know what they want to accomplish and a plan do it. While they are well mannered their kids are rude and full of their own self importance. I'm already worried about who will be in charge in 20-30 years.

That is funny you mention that about the kids. Why do you think that is? I mean they didn't earn it. One of the business owners I am thinking of has a chain of 15 salon and spas. They are very down to earth people. Their 4 boys however are rude. they act like they are better than people and like the businesses are their though they don't have a part in running them. I wonder what the psychology of this is.

[TBH]

I dunno, I sort of think the OP's coworker is not as wealthy as she seems.

My sister has a good friend who comes from money, and is married to a corporate lawyer. But she didn't inherit as much as she expected from her parents, and her husband hasn't earned as much as she expected either. She never does her own hair or nails, has a massage every week, gives lavish parties, and drives a fancy car. BUT. She really doesn't have as much money as it looks like she has. She went to school to get a teaching credential but can't find a job. I could see her telling people "I only work to keep busy" but really she needs to work. If you come from money, it might be hard to stop looking like you have money, and you might feel awkward about having to work. You might tell people, "I only do this for fun."

I think the point is it's pretty hard to tell how much money someone has by looking at them, or by looking at their manners. Even ways of speaking can be learned.

I know how much money I have, and I sort of know how much money my close friends have. But how do I know for sure about anyone but myself? Although I confess it is fun to speculate....

[Goldy1]

I live in suburban detroit;about 50 mins away. Most the houses on my street are neat, clean, and upkept. It's been ranked one of the best places to live and raise kids in one of those money magazines, but it's not perfect. IT can get cold in winter tough. The schools are decent too. Most the homes on my street go for just about 160 to $180(neat brick homes in the 2000 sq ft range with big backyards not too many updates for this price). A few blocks away they start in the 250 range but it can vary. There are ritzier hoods I could move to, but I am not sure I want to be the "poorest" jack on the street and have my son wondering where he new bmw and ski trip to aspen is. I think my hood is great.

Most my friends live in home worth about 170 and some are upside down on them and are not poor but not rich.
I have some friends with more money than us but not a lot more. I guess thru mommy clubs and stuff I meet folks in my own hood and money bracket.

When I think of money I think of golf and lots of time to play it. lol.

We just paid off our house. I am 37 and dh is 41. We were DINKS for many years making a modest income and just saved. We bought the home for 155 K and paid in off in 15 years. My husbands's job is unstable. I have little earning power with an outdated teaching degree and no teaching jobs here(I am stay at home mom now and don't have anyone to watch my son for free)and I worry about him losing his job and us not having health insurance. The paid off house is one bright spot.

[YLTL_Dan]

I read a great quote on Yahoo the other day -

"Life affords you the opportunity to either look rich or be rich, but few live long enough to accomplish both. The younger you decide, the better"

I would say this is true for about 90% of people. I do know some people who have a lot of money and could look and be rich just fine. One just sold his business for millions and another is a partner at my previous firm. They both still work... but it's because work is their life. They don't just show up, they work like maniacs and have a real passion for what they do. They couldn't ever take a job and just show up to punch the clock.

My last blog post is actually about the "Joneses" and how most of them are actually broke!