When your mother says "You have nothing to show for yourself"

[Gailete]

Over 4 years ago my mom got ticked off at something and has not spoken to me since. We have exchange a few letters and doubt I will ever hear from her again. What have I learned during these years? That my mom was toxic and manipulative, that only her way was the right way, that even as adults (I'm getting close to 60) she still wants to tell us how to run our lives. I got tired of hearing her say 'you don't want to do that' about anything I was interested in doing and THEN hearing her complain that we kids basically haven't amounted to much. We were somehow supposed to make a living wage, but not reach for the stars of the high paying jobs! Working at McDs was good enough.

I just want to encourage you to step back, talk to your mom and ask her to stop NOW and if she doesn't these will be the consequences and carry thorugh. If she won't, like the other psoter said every time she is negative either hang up, walk out or whatever you have to do. She may be your mother, but you are a grown up now and don't have to let someone toxic to your well-being bother you (and yes our families can be some of the most toxic people around us and it takes real courage to stand up and say you won't take it anymore).

Best wishes to you!!!

[YLTL_Dan]

"You have nothing to show for yourself" usually comes from someone in a "poor" mindset. That doesn't necessarily mean they don't make good money, but it usually always means they spend more than they make. I've been there, and I was raised that way... that's why I bought a brand new car one year out of college. I'm reformed now and know I'm heading in the right direction... so are you!

[cschin4]

Stop trying to live up to what her definition of what is "show". First, i would politely tell her that this comment very much hurts your feelings. And, that what she wanted out of life isn't they way you are living your life and that your idea of life is other things like a good career, traveling, eating out, etc and not how much "stuff" you have. But, it really isn't her business. You live your life and pay your bills and how you choose to do so is simply none of her business.

[tinktink]

Sometimes mothers can really seem harsh because we look up to them and want their love and approval but you really have to learn to just ignore some of the stuff they say even though they mean well.

[UnknownXV]

There are people in their 40s and 50s who have negative net worth, and without any sort of liquid assets either.

You're doing very good. Don't let anyone discourage you.

Well, she knows that I moved here for a new job...my goal was to increase my income by 10% by June of this year, and I got about a 20% increase so I was happy with that.

She doesn't know about the increase in 401k, accelerated loan payments or me working on an emergency fund. I don't usually talk to her about those kinds of things. I don't think she's interested because she doesn't believe she will ever get out of poverty herself.

So she's in poverty, and you've got a good job with a relatively decent EF and retirement fund going?

I don't see how she has any foundation to criticize you on.

Yes. It is something to show for yourself. Good work doing so. But all that stuff is intangible to most people. A lot of people gauge someone's success by how much "stuff" they have. The big house, the fancy car, the vacation home, the boat, etc. I hear the same thing from my father. "What do you do with all your money?", he asks. "Why don't you buy a new truck? I know you have plenty of money." "Treat yourself.", he likes to say. I plan on just staying the course. It's my life and my finances. Not his or anyone elses. I'm perfectly happy with the way that I run my financial affairs.

When he says that, just tell him that you feel retirement is a far more satisfying thing than a new truck or TV.

[Wino]

It is perhaps that your mother is projecting her own worries about her situation onto you. She has not enough to "show for herself," so she was hoping she could tell her hen friends that "my child has a new car, a 3000 sq ft house, a boat, and a private jet." You're not giving her the vicarious pleasure to live through you.

I would just say, "I'm doing fine, mom. I'm setting myself up now while I don't need it for later when I will. Why should I sabotage my future for some minor pleasures today?" No details. Nothing personal. Just a recap that you're doing just fine.