Aiding troubled family members

[Bades]

So I've seen a couple posts lately about helping out trouble family members. I have some future concerns of my own.

My girlfriend, we plan on getting married in the next year or two, has some financially troubled parents. I'm not too worried about them asking for money here and there I'm really worried about how they are going to support themselves after they're too old/disbaled to work?

Her parents are divorced
Dad: was an alcoholic, stopped drinknig, but abuses pain killers, and can't keep a solid job (maybe 6 or so in the last 2 years?).
Bottom line: he's a toxic person, who has asked family for money several times, and has literally nothing to his name. He's almost 60 and probably wont turn things around unfortunately. Been an addict his whole life.

Mom:
Income: <30k? If I had to guess?
Retirement: Assume it's fairly low. Has had same job for last 7-8 years and believe she started retirement while at that job.
Extra Income: She is renting out her deceased parents home, in a pretty crappy neighborhood. I think she makes a couple hundred above breaking even with that rental, although it's been a nightmare with tentants and repairs. House probably worth <50k?
Debt: She may have small credit card debt and still paying mortgage on house, that honestly shouldn't be too much left, considering they have never moved in the past 25 years.

Even though I'm not married to my gf yet, I still feel like I want to at least bring this serious issue to light and she needs to have a talk with her parents. I'm pretty finacially savy, or I like to think so , my gf seems to cringe at the thought of money and her parents becuase they never had a lot growing up and she's worried. But I think time for action has been long past due. Worst part is my gf is basically the only family, for both parents. I could just see this being a big problem down the road.

Sorry about the general financial assumptions, but I'm looking more for advice on anyone having to deal with in-laws, or parents that they fear will need your income to live off once they're too old to work/disabled.

[breathemusic]

My brother has dealt with a lot of this type of situation with our father (he's basically taken on the role to help since I didn't have any money to help, and even now I'm only just at a point where I make enough that I have that kind of money to spare).

One thing my brother has done is discuss the situation with my father to determine what type of assistance programs he's eligible for. We found out he would be eligible for social security (despite having worked almost exclusively for himself over his life, he had just enough jobs at other place to qualify). Also, he gets things like food stamps, etc. There's always medicare and medicaid, and depeding on the state, there are various other state programs that might qualify. But knowing in advance what her parents do/will or don't/won't qualify for is a good start. At least you'll know what other help they can get.

Outside of that, it depends on how much you're willing to and able to help financially. And part of it is going to depend on what your g/f's parents are willing to do for themselves in terms of making the effort to seek public assistance, try to live more frugally, etc.

[bjl584]

My Step Dad deals with a similar issue. He has a brother that has slight mental issues and has never been able to hold a job or manage his life or finances. He collects SSI and some other benefits. Beyond that, the other siblings pitch in to make sure that his bills get paid and that he has food and shelter. Luckily, all of the family has high paying jobs and is fairly well off financially, so he isn't really a burden to anyone financially speaking.

[Bades]

Great points about the programs.

I think at this point in time - at least for her mom, an analysis on her total financial situation most likely needs to happen to come up with some sort of plan. the hard part is obtaining that information and having the parent blow you off and say they are fine...

[Bades]

What is a good check list to have when looking at someone's entire financial situation? My gf has agreed it's time to talk to her mom about this, and we'll help her develop some sort of financial plan.

Here is what I have so far.

Monthly Income (all soruces)
Savings and Checking accounts (how much, any fees)
Retirement Account (how much, what investments)
Any other Investments?
Rental House from deceased parents (how much it brings in monthly, current worth, any major repairs needed, etc)

Monthly Expenses (broken down into categories)
Auto Loan Details (how much principal is left, % rate)
Mortgage Details (how much principal is left, % rate)
Credit Card Details (current payment method,is there a running balance? % rate)
Any other Debts

Miss any others?

[breathemusic]

An important part of that discussion should include how long her mom intends to continue working (assuming nothing drastic happens like layoffs or whatever) while taking into account whatever her current state of health is and her likely future state of health (maybe given family history? do people in her family tend to live long or stay in good health, etc.).

If she has very little in savings, etc. then the answer may just be that she'll work as long as she's physically able to.

[papa_squat]

I'm glad to know the situation I've experienced with my father isn't that far outside the norm, but I hope my situation didn't discourage you too much about your girlfriend's family. It sounds like your planning it for the long haul though , so it's good that you're trying to do right in considering the welfare of her parents for your sake and for theirs.

Keep in mind thought that the conversation requires them bringing to light a lot of personal information, so hitting your GF's mom with so many questions at once may catch her off guard or even offend her since parents are used to providing for children, not the other way around. I think it's a good conversation to have though. I want to have a similar converstion with my mom, though unlike my Dad she can be most frugal with her money even after coming into a higher income over the last few years or so. Her main problem is that she continues to support my sister who is far more like my father, plus my mother has chronic health issues which always tend to eat away at her savings as soon as she builds it up again.

If you intend to have the same conversation with her father as with her mother, consider discussing how the alcoholism is affecting his finances. This might be a tough conversation for you to be in on, but your GF at least should talk to him. Even if he does have retirement plans and other securities in place, the alcohol will always be a drain on his health as well as his pocketbook. Good luck!

[Bades]

thanks papa_squat

and you're right, the conversation needs to be planned carefully, you just dont hand them a list of things and ask for them to fill out all their financials lol.

To be honest, I think the situation with her father is evitable failure. Been in and out of AA and rehab plenty of times. Can't hold a job, tries to take advantage of his family. He is actually the very definition of a narcissist. He will find ways to blow any money he makes, continue to stay addicted to weed, pills, whatever the flavor of the month is, and will never hold a job long term. It's sad to say but this will follow until he passes away. Best bet is to find programs that can support him.

Her mom on the other hand does have a life going for her, and I think she does okay, I just wanted to have the financial conversation so there wasn't any red flags. I know it can be embarrassing and off putting to discuss a "superior's" personal finances, but it's better to do so to avoid any real problems down the road that could've been planned for.

Thanks everyone!

[snafu]

You didn't mention GF's parent's ages but she might find it easier to start conversations about how they envision retirement. What programs would they be interested in? Social benefits of working past 65. What programs/assistance/support is available in your community, city, state that they might apply and how many weeks/moths in advance is application required? Does the state tax SS benefits? Are dad/mom eligible for SSI? [enhanced benefit] How vulnerable seniors are to scams and what to do/classes to protect them. Joining AARP or local senior groups for activities of interest etc.