My Experience With My Spendthrift Ex-Upper-Middle-Class Parents

[ambivalentyouth]

I've decided to delete the long version of this story.

Basically, my parents screwed their lives up by living beyond their means, and now they're asking me for money to help them continue living beyond their means. Is this common?

[Redraidernurse]

I read the long version - and I think you should repost it, it helped put everything in perspective.

You can't help people unwilling to help themselves. Even your own parents.

That said, it sounds like you did the right thing in offering for them to stay at your place - at least they don't have to be out on the streets. But they seem to have a lot of pride swelled up from their past living conditions - and obviously have trouble letting that pride go. Until they are willing to realize their situation (which is pretty bad) then it doesn't sound like anyone can convince them of the seriousness of it.

Hold on tight - because it sounds like they aren't ready to get off this pony ride yet.

[ambivalentyouth]

Thanks Redraidernurse...I don't have the long version saved. Maybe I can find it in the IE cache? I could rewrite it but it took me about an hour to get everything somewhat in order.

I appreciate the kind words, it's really stressful for me because I really care for them and want to help. I would help them with money, but anything I could afford at the moment wouldn't help them get close to digging themselves out of the hole, and taking on debt to help would be digging myself into my own hole. I would be repeating their mistakes. Sigh...I hope things get better soon, they need to.

[disneysteve]

I also read the long version and it just screamed "enabling". Had you been firm and said no the first time, the later requests wouldn't have occurred. There is absolutely no reason that you should be supporting their misbehavior with money. Suze Orman is fond of saying that people need to learn to say NO out of love rather than YES out of guilt.

Let them crash and burn. Maybe then they'll learn their lesson. No way would I let them move in with me and ruin my life. I would offer emotional support. I would offer financial advice. I would invite them over for dinner. But if they move in, I'd never get rid of them. No thanks.

[bjl584]

I didn't see the long version, but I would say continuing to support them is only going to prolong the problem.

[mmgarren@yahoo.com]

If you continue to give them money or a place to live they are being deprived of the lesson They need to learn. I'm not criticizing because I helped out my daughter and son in law with their money problems. Believe me, living in a homeless shelter is a wake up call if there is one. I've been there done that. I hope the best for you and your problems with your parents. Sometimes there is a need for tough love and it seems to be the time to put it into practice. God bless.

[seen]

I didn't get to read the long post either, but anyway.. If my parents had spending problems I wouldn't lend them money either, but I would never ever leave them out in the cold. Nevermind the wake up call, I cannot fathom them in a cold homeless shelter while I'm indoors nice and snug.

That said, one of my closest friends is about to be in the same situation. Both parents gave up their jobs to start a business which is teetering on failure. I'm not sure what he's planning to do either, but he's basically over at their place all the time trying to help out. The last thing I remember him venting about was that they borrowed his car and screwed something up so he had to take it in for repairs at his own expense since they couldn't afford it. Not sure what your circumstances are, but he's going crazy so you're not the only one.

[greenskeeper]

I've decided to delete the long version of this story.

Basically, my parents screwed their lives up by living beyond their means, and now they're asking me for money to help them continue living beyond their means. Is this common?

My in-laws are the same way.

They've lived in their house for 17 years and bought new.

They still owe close to 300k on the house (my estimation was that it was a 250k house when built in 1994)

They have realized the house will never be paid off (they turn 60 in 2 years)

Too many vacations and junk purchased with refi-mortgages where you cash out equity.

My M-I-L always says the house is worth $375k. I guess, but $300k of that will go to the bank when you sell!

[minnie1928]

My in-laws are the same way.

They've lived in their house for 17 years and bought new.

They still owe close to 300k on the house (my estimation was that it was a 250k house when built in 1994)

They have realized the house will never be paid off (they turn 60 in 2 years)

Too many vacations and junk purchased with refi-mortgages where you cash out equity.

My M-I-L always says the house is worth $375k. I guess, but $300k of that will go to the bank when you sell!

I can sooo top that! My parents bought their house for less than $40,000, lived in it for 35 years and sold it for $110,000. You know how much they walked away from the settlement table with? $8,000! Yep, that's it...after 35 years the house should have been more than paid off, but it was still mortgaged virtually 95%.

It was beyond sad...it's pathetic.

[jerrycates]

Exactly like everybody's point in this thread. If this has been put to halt at the very start when they first asked you to be their piggy-bank, nothing else (or at least the minimum) would have happened.

[Frugal]

People are responsible for themselves. You don't want to enable bad spending habits. That being said, it is always hard for people when their family is involved. It is up to you what you do, but I personally would not help them out.

[Hector]

I didn't read detail write up either. Its sad that your parents are not financially responsible. Though I might not help them financially so that they can learn, for sure I would ask them to move in with me.

[canada94]

You can still be there for them emtionally, just dont put yourself in a position where you feel you have to go into debt just to rectify their bad habits.Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

[Harriet1]

Advise for adult child with spendthrift parents

My dad is 73 and diabetic, and my mom is 70 with stage-4 Parkinson disease. They were once rich, but several bad business and personal decisions have severely depleted their wealth. Now, they are living off of what they have left from their savings, and have no retirement income other than minimal social security benefits that is barely covering for the Medicare supplements. With the combination of their high egos and prides, accustomed to carefree spending, and love to do more “business”, they will completely deplete their financial resources within five years.
They have already sold their house to tap in the funds, so reverse mortgage is no longer an option. Both enjoy living in their old ways and are not willing to face the reality. Until their funds are fully depleted, they want to continue to maintain their expensive lifestyle.
I have tried to talk to them about financial planning, transparent with their financial status and understand future healthcare needs… nothing worked. All I got was hostility from them. They have also refused to take advice from any friends and family.
I realize I cannot help them if they refuse to help themselves. And they are ultimately responsible for their own actions. But precedent suggests they will simply blame others for their “bad lucks”, and it is not their fault for wasting all their savings. So once they hit bottom in the next five or six years, they will have no problem showing up on my door steps asking me to take them in. With no savings, no income, and not mentioning by then they will require nursing care assistance, they will be imposing enormous amount of annual expenses on me. And to rub it in, it proofs to them that their irresponsible behaviors have no consequences. Meanwhile, I have been working hard and saving diligently so I can retire safely someday. I resent my parents selfishly imposing their retirement on me, setting my own retirement back 15+ years.
My parents have never been there for me. I grew up with a nanny and was a latchkey kid. My parents lived in another country so they can do their business, and I saw two to three times a year for one week each. They were never there – not on my birthdays, not on holidays, and not on my graduations. I never experienced warmth and love of a family like most people has, and they are like strangers to me. So it is frustrating to me that they are expecting me to be there to rescue them.
The question is, do I have to open my door when they knock? Am I obligated to take them in? I am in California, does that mean I need to move to another state or I am definitely screwed by my parents? If no, with no money and no income, what are their options?

[canaws]

For Harriet1:

When they come knocking, you should just offer to help them look into senior (public) housing options. They usually charge rent on a sliding scale based on income (which is SS for your parents) and expected utility costs.