Asked to be the executor for my grandparents ...

[am_vanquish]

I discovered today that my grandparents (ages 76 and 78) do not have a will, but are planning to put one together next week. My grandmother asked me today if I would mind serving as their executor. While I recognize that the invitation is a great honor, I am hesitant in accepting.

I'm mostly seeking resources I should review when considering this decision, but a la carte advice is welcome also.

Just because the thoughts are racing through my head and I'm not comfortable discussing it with anyone in real life right now ... here are some of my top concerns with the issue:
1. Family disagreements. I've always thought executors should be family friends/advisors ... not family members. My largest concern within the family is that I am the youngest (age 23) of the 2 children and 5 grandchildren. Although I'm more financially savvy, rational, and organized than the other family members, I'm concerned that I won't be able to diffuse some arguments because I'm just "the kid." My grandmother has asked me not to discuss this decision with anyone else, so I can't figure out how to test the waters on this issue.
2. Distance. Although I'm 90% confident I could handle the task, I am the farthest away from the grandparents out of all 2 children and 5 grandchildren (all others live within 10 miles, I haven't lived within 250 miles since I was 16). As the result of the distance, I'm probably the least "involved" of all the family members. I see my grandparents 3-4 times per year, my mom & sister 6-10 per year, and my uncle and his children maybe once per year (on a good year). I'm worried the lack of interaction with my uncle and his children may cause them to believe I'm not impartial/unbiased.
3. Time. Again, 90% confident I can find the time to do this and do it right ... but there's 5-6 weeks scattered throughout the year where I'm REALLY busy. The time/distance also prevents me from being able to discuss the will arrangements in-person for a while.
4. No other options/alternatives. In terms of being financially competent, rational, and organized, I'm the best-qualified of all blood relatives (my uncle's wife is a close equal, but I can understand how the lack of a blood-connection and a few historical "disagreements" between her and the grandparents prevent her from being a viable selection in their view).

I'm very concerned and that my selection as executor might not be viewed favorably by others. and hat I might screw this up. But I also believe that I'm the best option for carrying out their wishes as intended .... if the other issues don't prevent me from properly handling intangible conflicts arising from sibling rivalries and such.

[Mr Nice Guy]

This topic is briefly discussed in the book The Millionaire Next Door by Dr. Thomas Stanley on pp.200-203.

"When selecting executors of his own estate, Mr. Graham chose an attorney who was an old friend. He discovered that "it's better for the children to be mad at the arbitrator than with each other.""

[kork13]

This topic is briefly discussed in the book The Millionaire Next Door by Dr. Thomas Stanley on pp.200-203.

"When selecting executors of his own estate, Mr. Graham chose an attorney who was an old friend. He discovered that "it's better for the children to be mad at the arbitrator than with each other.""

That was sort of my thought... Personally, I would recommend that they find a personal friend of theirs, or a family attorney, or whoever to serve as the executor. It's not an enviable job, not so much because of the work (though it can be substantial), but more because if someone strongly disagrees with how you're executing their will, or even your selection as executor, it has the potential to become a family problem above and beyond the loss of your grandparents.

My mother has served as the executor for two separate friends' wills, and as a neutral party (she was close to the friend, but not to any of their relatives), she was much better equipped to adjudicate regarding their wishes. That said, she is also the executor of her own parents' wills. She's expressed some minor discomfort with that, but for the most part, her siblings all recognize her as a competent and fair person who understands the wishes of their parents.

So you can go both ways. If you're comfortable with doing it, and you expect your relatives will trust you to be fair, then by all means do it. However if not, you might try recommending that they find someone else, explaining your concerns as gently as you can -- it can be hard for a couple to be told "No, I won't".

[creditcardfree]

If the will is fair to all heirs, then your job as an executer is easy. You simply follow their wishes (well you do either way). It's when the will is biased to one heir over another that you would have clear problems. Do you know what the grandparents plan to put in their will? Maybe that would help you decide.

Also, having be on the receiving end of inheritence, I would say the best advice I could give is to communicate with the heirs with documentation of all transactions. It's just better that way.

[Like2Plan]

am_vanquish,
With any luck, your services wouldn't be needed for several more years--but you can't count on that. Would you be executor of both wills? (Typically, the spouse is the executor for the other spouse unless they pass away at the same time. )

Any references for you would have to be state specific because the laws governing estates vary by state.

[Like2Plan]

You reminded me of one more thing I have to get around to--and that is update my will. I found out recently that my contingent executor (if both DH and I pass away at the same time) would have some speed bumps put in the way due to not being a resident of my state.

A named executor residing outside of Virginia who wishes to be appointed as executor must bring a Virginia resident to the appointment to either co-qualify or be designated as a registered agent; §26-59 governs which procedure to follow.

It is tough trying to pick an executor other than a spouse (just as it is tough to pick a guardian for minor children ).

[MonkeyMama]

If you would be most fair, you would be the best choice. Generally, fair family members are chosen to be executor. I personally have a general distrust for people outside the family (though obviously many cases where an attorney or third party would be preferable - it just depends).

Don't stress out too much about it - you should hire good legal counsel which should do most of the work and be helpful in case of squabbles.

My parents had a good CPA friend as executor for many decades but changed it to me recently. I believe dh is executor for his family (We are the eldest children, and I am a CPA). I know over the years I will be asked by many people, simply for my profession.

I believe we chose are parents as executors - I honestly have no idea who I would pick otherwise! I suppose with age we would consider switching that responsibility to our kids, too. Actually, we both have some cousins who could fit the bill, but I know it is a lot of responsibility to ask of someone, all the same.

[wrk4lvg]

Having watched my dad just got through it over the last 4 years, I would hire an attorney. There has been no fighting amongst the 3 kids, it's just been entirely to stressful for my dad to deal with it all. All of the LTC, taxes, paying off debts, paying for the monthly LTC care, etc. Maybe if they had given him more than a day or two notice before my grandmother passed, it may have been different, but who is to say. I'm an only child, so there is nobody to fight with over the money and homes and I'll still likely higher an attorney.

[Money Gal]

You just need to engage an Estate Attorney in your grandparents state of residency. They fax paperwork to you for signatures. It is normal for executors to be in different states and attorneys handle that.
As long as you believe that the estate will be solvent, it is not a big deal. If it will be insolvent, then it is a great big PITA.

If they have a very large estate then you should recommend that they set up a living trust and keep items out of probate process. Less arguments & things move automatically on their death.

[scfr]

NOLO has a book out called "The Executor's Guide" that might be a good resource for you. There also was an excellent article in the July 2008 issue of "Consumer Reports - Money Adviser" called "Should you serve as an executor?" but that may be harder to get your hands on.

It is a hard job that will take time & very well might strain some family relationships.
If you decide to do it, it will be out of love & respect for your grandparents.
I have been asked to do this job by 2 of my family members, and I have said yes even tho I know it won't be easy when the time comes.

[TBH]

You said you're worried about screwing it up. You're 23 now. By the time they pass away, you will hopefully have many more years of life under your belt, and hopefully your family will have stopped treating you like the baby.

I think you should say yes. It sounds like your grandparents have more faith in you than you have in yourself. I think if you can, you should give them the peace of mind of knowing that their wishes will be carried out by someone they trust.

We have a will in probate in my family right now, and it is causing some strife. As a result, a relative just removed the two executors he had on his will, and has asked me to be his executor. I am the executor for one of my siblings' wills as well. I consider it a burden, but I said yes because I wanted to give them that peace of mind.

If the will is large, or complicated, the executor can be paid for his/her work out of the estate. I will not take payment if I don't have to, but if I have to reduce my other work to get things taken care of, or travel a lot, I will probably take some compensation from the estate if that is still legally feasible when the time comes. In one of the wills I will not be named as a beneficiary. In the other I will be a beneficiary. I think it will be easier to get things done cleanly for the one where I don't personally inherit anything. But even for the other one, I'll do it, because I've been asked.

[snafu]

My brother was executor of mom's estate and although there were no disputes it was time consuming with a lot of work. Your job will be easier if you can see the rough draft of the will and living will. Gran needs to spell-out you get paid for all your expenses on submission of receipts and her wish you be paid for your time [you can decline] since they would pay for an accountant or lawyer as executor. Does gran have a lawyer and accountant she trusts?

If you decide to take the challenge, ask gran how she wants you to resolve disputes. It helps if she leaves clear instruction about disposal of personal effects. We had no instruction so we four siblings made up routes. It was tough as our feeling were raw but we had to clear the house and sell it. None of us had time to look after another house. We each wrote a list of things we wanted and each got whatever items were not on anyone elses list.

Items on all 4 lists went round robin by age...eldest chose 1st, 2nd chose, etc. Executor negotiated between two without telling who the other was. After stuff we chose was removed, mom's sisters were invited to chose stuff. Executor moderated any issues. Next, family friends were invited to select any remembrances and the remainder was 1st offered at Estate yard sale [disaster] and auction for furniture, housewares. Clothes & stuff went to GW.

It took nearly a year to get everything wrapped up. After bequests, funds that were left were divided equally among grandchildren.

[justinblake]

I believe your grandparents have thought it well before deciding on you. And I think they have reasons that you haven't seen as of this time. Maybe when the time comes, you'd see the wisdom in their decision. I think that because of distance and you having the least involvement in family-related disputes, you are the most likely to be unbiased.

I also agree that a non-family member is the best choice for the "honorable post" as executor. But maybe your grandparents don't just trust anybody who's not within the family. And you really cannot force them to when they are not entirely comfortable with the idea of having a stranger into the affair. If you say no, they might go for another grandkid. And of course, you cannot vouch for their integrity and fairness as much as you can vouch for your own.

Take the offer. But tell them you will need a reliable attorney to help you. That's the best thing under this circumstance.