Throwing $1000 In The Trash?

[myrdale]

I have got a discission to make that I could use a little input from you all on.

I would like to purchase a new bedroom suite for my room at my parents house. The bed and dressers are my fathers from the 60's. I've got an old desk and a book case that has books stacked vertically a foot or two high.

Initially I was considering purchasing a set of nice book shelves. Then I considered several times in the past my mother had complained about the furniture. I am very sentimental. As such I would say since I grew up with it all, it is a part of me. That said I would really like a breath of fresh air when I return home to visit.

The bed frame, drawers, and book shelves (three) I am looking at comes to about $1200. I am looking at what I can cut back on, and would like to make the purchase either in November or December. I can budget it, money is not an issue. My problem is that my mother is a boarderline hoarder. It is not so much trash as it is clutter and "stuff".

Over the past five years she would complain about my clutter in my room. I am only home for a couple weeks out of the year. While home visiting, I would continually burn bags worth of old stuff that has no value to me any more. The last time I was home I sent well over 50 shirts pairs of pants to Good Will (she insisted on picking though every shirt, finally I convinced her that they were mine and not worth saving).

As the years have went on, my room has gotten cleaner and cleaner, EXCEPT she has started filling it with her stuff. She does this because my sisters room, the guest room, the dinning room, living room, den and most of the kitchen and every other corner in the house are FULL.

She is thrilled with the idea of my buying new furniture, but wants a bed with the cabinets at the head of it like I currently have. To this I replyed no as it is a place to gather more stuff.

I could really make it look nice in there, but do I have the right to say quit putting your stuff in my room as that I don't live there any more? I've went the full scale of asking very politely to pointing out the trash covering the table while we are having dinner. My father does not contribute to the clutter, annoyed, but ignores it. My sister can not sleep in her bed if she comes to visit. It really gets to me having to clear out a spot on the floor in my room to put my suitcase when I come to visit. I keep thinking that if I get it clean enough while I am home, she won't put anymore in there. I know this is not true.

So do I blow $1200 with the expectation of it being covered in trash, or can I make a case to keep it out of my room?

P.S. I do appologize if this post seems like a bit of a rant. I do have a very loving family and we do care very deeply for each other.

[myrdale]

As an aside, as I said I am "sentimental" about stuff and I see this as a tendency in myself to hoard, I know the genes are there. My cure to this is keeping a clean living space. Additionally I burn everything that I do not donate. You would not believe what an awsome catharsis it is as opposed to throwing it in the trash. You can not pull it out of the trash if you burn it.

[Seeker]

I would say that it's no longer "your" room.

No matter if you buy furniture for it or not, you know the space will be taken over, and IMHO you shouldn't really have a say in what goes there or not. It's your parent's house, and they can do with the space (and stuff that you abandoned) as they will.

There comes a time where we either let go of the past stuff we don't actively need/use each day, or we take it out of our folks home and bring that stuff with us if we care about it.

[asmom]

So do I blow $1200 with the expectation of it being covered in trash, or can I make a case to keep it out of my room?

The short answer is "A". If your mother is a hoarder and it sounds like she may be and not just "borderline", then she will definitely fill your room with stuff no matter if you put new furniture in there. Save your money and fix up your own digs.

[disneysteve]

I am only home for a couple weeks out of the year.

do I have the right to say quit putting your stuff in my room as that I don't live there any more?

I'd say the answer to this is no. It is no longer your home so I don't feel you have the right to dictate what furniture goes into the room or what your mom chooses to put in the room.

As the years have went on, my room has gotten cleaner and cleaner, EXCEPT she has started filling it with her stuff. She does this because my sisters room, the guest room, the dinning room, living room, den and most of the kitchen and every other corner in the house are FULL.

I've went the full scale of asking very politely to pointing out the trash covering the table while we are having dinner. My father does not contribute to the clutter, annoyed, but ignores it. My sister can not sleep in her bed if she comes to visit. It really gets to me having to clear out a spot on the floor in my room to put my suitcase when I come to visit. I keep thinking that if I get it clean enough while I am home, she won't put anymore in there. I know this is not true.

The far bigger issue here is that your mother is a hoarder and, most likely, requires professional help. There are clinical psychologists and professional organizers who specialize in treating and dealing with hoarders. We've talked a bit about the TV show Hoarders over on my "What did you declutter today?" thread. I've only seen it a couple of times but it is a very good show and really illustrates how serious a problem this is, how it devastates families and how much intense therapy is really needed to turn things around. You should watch a few episodes and I think you'll relate to what is going on.

[myrdale]

DisneySteve, I've worked though about half of your thread here on my lunch break. I will have to finish the remainer of it this afternoon. Alot of excellent post there, and the before and after photos people have submitted are awsome.

I did watch most of season one of Hoarders. And though it is no where near as bad as that, I swear it seems like it has gotten progressively worse over the years. It is more than just "messy" or bad house keeping.

I did have what I considered to be a rather telling discussion last night on the phone. I told her that my aunt and cousin were going to be visiting this weekend. Her responce was that I would have to devote a day to cleaning my house. I looked around and realized no, I wouldn't. I keep it clean.

Truthfully I do not think I am as worried with the clutter now as where it could go in the future, especially after watching several episodes of Hoarders. They all started with somewhere with a clean house.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

I agree that because this is not your bedroom, you have no say in it. If you buy furniture for it, it should be as a gift to your parents and let them pick what they want within your budget. I'd caution you that furniture made in the '60s is probably much, much better made than the nice-looking furniture you would buy today for $1200. Perhaps you could spruce up the existing furniture with a new finish or coat of paint. If you do get rid of it, be sure to offer it for sale, as 1960's stuff is hot right now, plus there are those who just know that it is better made.

Probably, you should try to disengage from thinking of that room as yours. Keep reminding yourself that it is something from your childhood, but not much to do with your present. Go ahead and get everything that is yours out of there.

[myrdale]

Joan, I've been slowly working towards clearing the room out. Rather than just rent a dumpster and clear it out in one fatal swoop, though I've had to devoted part of every visit home to this task. Literally a few hours, a couple times a year. There is still plent to be gotten away with, but it is on an order of magnitue less than when I started.

What brought this all on was I would like to put the new book shelves in. I have a few books there and they have lots more old books that I would like fill the shelve with. Some that are pricey that I would like to preserve. And it is not so much that I do not want to bring a couple trunk loads of books up here, as it is that the shelves are substantial enough that I would not want to have to move them around.

It seemed like an ideal solution to go ahead and get the matching bed room set to go with the shelves. No one likes the furniture, and she seemed thrilled when i suggested that I was considering replacing it.

While I will conceed that the original suite is built better than what I am looking at, the original suite is 40 years old and I was hard on it. It is trash.

Lastly I have a couple months to decide. And concidering that it would pay off 1/60th of my mortgage, I am erring toward just walking away from the proposition altogether or atleast postponing it for a while.