Wwyd?

[BlackDiamond]

Would you end an engagement to someone who made you very happy (and you are very picky) if there was absolutely no way you could afford to live alone together for at least 5-8 years?

You are already in your mid 30's. You have debt but it will be gone in 2 years. You live beneath your means. Your credit it near perfect. You have almost 6K in cash savings.

Your fiance will likely be foreclosing on a house that he owns with 2 currently unemployed people, and he is being sued (court date not for 3 years). He may have to declare bankrupcy. He has, bewteen house, car, and cc, hundreds of thousands in debt. He has learned his lesson and no longer uses credit. But that doesn't negate years of bad decisions. He is almost 40. He has no savings.

You already work a full time job and have a long commute each way so a second job is next to impossible without being gone from 6 am to 11 pm. You have already sold most of your belongings.

You currently can't afford a place by yourself without spending over 50% of your income each month. Your fiance has nothing left over after paying his ever rising mortgage. All attempts to re-fi have been turned down. You can't live at the house he owns for numerous reasons. The house and room are unrentable, he's tried.

Your only chance to marry and live together are to live in a small apartment with a roommate. You foresee years of fighting over this arrangement. You know yourself well enough to know living with your husband + a roommate will make you unhappy.

The thought of a life without your fiance breaks your heart. But the thought of at least a half decade long wait at your age, and a lifetime of poverty resulting from his financial mistakes that will equal giving up dreams in life such as home ownership etc. also breaks your heart. No one has ever treated you as well as this person. Aside from the money, he is everything you ever wanted.

WWYD? Would you give up the life you wanted to spend it with the person you wanted?

[disneysteve]

Obviously, none of us can say for sure without being in that situation but my gut answer is that I would end the relationship. I'd rather have a broken heart than a lifetime of poverty. There is always the chance of meeting someone else and starting a new relationship but the current one is only going one way that isn't pretty.

[Broken Arrow]

A good man is hard to find, and not something I think should be passed up lightly.

If he is as wonderful as you describe, and I believe you when you say that he is, then surely there has to be a way to work out the details here and the living arrangment. Isn't there?

[MonkeyMama]

I could flip a coin.

I come from a slightly similar situation that is not similar at all. I met my spouse very young and we waited to marry until a few years later when we could afford our own place (after college). The age thing makes it very non-similar. Personally, I would totally live with roommates, even for a decade, if that was all we could afford. My dh didn't agree, and he was worth the wait. (He made it work pretty fast though).

The other similarity being the insane high cost of living. Though I would personally have qualms about marrying someone in such deep financial trouble, I do think that if the relationship is worth saving, something can be figured out. For us, we really thought outside the box and found owning a small condo was far cheaper than renting. Eventually we moved out of the area. Both took a lot of thinking outside the box for our own situation. I am not saying you need to do either of these things, but I would start thinking really hard about what you could do to stay together.

Either he is worth it, or he isn't. If he is worth it, you can figure it out.

[Ima saver]

I agree with BA, a good man is hard to find. I have been married for 33 years to a good man!Surely you can find a way around these obstacles.

[BlackDiamond]

I have been trying for a year+ to come up with a better idea for a living arrangement. I can't think of any. I will not live with him + a roommate. That would be awkward and uncomfortable for me on many levels. I am reaching the end of my rope.

[BlackDiamond]

For those not familiar with my posts, I have a very VERY difficult time living with roommates. I am autistic and hyper sensitive to noise. I need privacy. I am amazed I can actually live with my fiance. He stays with me 3 nights a week and I am ok. It annoys my roommate alot but my roommate is desperate for money so puts up with it.

I think I am leaning towards leaving. It's killing me but I think there is no other way.

[jIM_Ohio]

Would you end an engagement to someone who made you very happy (and you are very picky) if there was absolutely no way you could afford to live alone together for at least 5-8 years?

You are already in your mid 30's. You have debt but it will be gone in 2 years. You live beneath your means. Your credit it near perfect. You have almost 6K in cash savings.

Your fiance will likely be foreclosing on a house that he owns with 2 currently unemployed people, and he is being sued (court date not for 3 years). He may have to declare bankrupcy. He has, bewteen house, car, and cc, hundreds of thousands in debt. He has learned his lesson and no longer uses credit. But that doesn't negate years of bad decisions. He is almost 40. He has no savings.

You already work a full time job and have a long commute each way so a second job is next to impossible without being gone from 6 am to 11 pm. You have already sold most of your belongings.

You currently can't afford a place by yourself without spending over 50% of your income each month. Your fiance has nothing left over after paying his ever rising mortgage. All attempts to re-fi have been turned down. You can't live at the house he owns for numerous reasons. The house and room are unrentable, he's tried.

Your only chance to marry and live together are to live in a small apartment with a roommate. You foresee years of fighting over this arrangement. You know yourself well enough to know living with your husband + a roommate will make you unhappy.

The thought of a life without your fiance breaks your heart. But the thought of at least a half decade long wait at your age, and a lifetime of poverty resulting from his financial mistakes that will equal giving up dreams in life such as home ownership etc. also breaks your heart. No one has ever treated you as well as this person. Aside from the money, he is everything you ever wanted.

WWYD? Would you give up the life you wanted to spend it with the person you wanted?

For those not familiar with my posts, I have a very VERY difficult time living with roommates. I am autistic and hyper sensitive to noise. I need privacy. I am amazed I can actually live with my fiance. He stays with me 3 nights a week and I am ok. It annoys my roommate alot but my roommate is desperate for money so puts up with it.

I think I am leaning towards leaving. It's killing me but I think there is no other way.

I am not familiar with you or your posts...

if there was absolutely no way

will likely be foreclosing

He may have to declare

You can't live at the house he owns for numerous reasons

my edit- none of those reasons listed...

next to impossible

The house and room are unrentable

You foresee years of fighting over this arrangement

all above balance against this

The thought of a life without your fiance breaks your heart

No one has ever treated you as well as this person. Aside from the money, he is everything you ever wanted.

And I come to one of two conclusions-

the last two lines are BS, you do not believe what you type (if you loved the person you WOULD NOT, under any circumstance, consider leaving them).

and the other conclusion I come to is I want your crystal ball.


You are painting a picture that living with fiance will be miserable, but you have not proven to me that is the case.

"absolutely no way". Yes there is, just find it.
will likely be foreclosing- well this gives it a chance that no foreclosure happens.
He may declare bankrupcty, then again he may not as well.

You can't live in house for numerous reasons, but not one of those was listed here.
next to impossible... hmmm sounds like a problem waiting for a solution.


If I were on a jury, you'd lose your case- nothing presented has me convinced you are correct. If you love your fiance, you will stick by him.

If you want to hedge your bets, delay getting married for a short time and see what transpires.

Married couples discuss (argue??) about money ALL THE TIME. My wife and I do. If you cannot work thru it, you don't deserve to be married anyways.

[BlackDiamond]

I am autistic. I have paranoid disorders. I am hypersensitive to noise. I can not live with people who do not know me well (my current roommate is a long time friend who desoperately needs my rent money and thus basically does whatever I ask). I would be incapable of being intimate with my spouse knowing another person was in the house with us constantly. Is that enough reasons for you?

I can't just make more money or cheaper apartments appear. The only choices are living a life of misery and never getting ahead or continuing to live where I live now.

I've decided to leave him. I'm going to tell him this weekend. Maybe he can pawn the ring and use it to make his financial life better. I want a good life and I can't have that if I am legally tied to a person who can't even pay his own bills.

Thanks all.

[zetta]

How about you and your fiance getting new jobs in an area with lower cost of living? Even if you ultimately did not marry, living somewhere less expensive would probably be good for your situation overall.

What does your fiance suggest you do over the next few years?

As for renting, have you looked at places that are renting out a detached "mother-in-law" cottage? This would provide both quiet and privacy.

[cschin4]

Your only chance

Why is that your only chance? If you want to get married and you love each other and he is at least trying to get on the right financial track and you can accept that he has debt, then why can't you get married and start your life together? He needs to liquidate all his assets and then pay the balance of what he owes after he has sold everything. Then, you can rent a place together and move forward. There is a way if you want to find it.

[cschin4]

There are many difficult situations in life. You are simply making a lot of excuses for why you cannot. I don't get the "we can only live together with a roommate" thing. Why? Where does he live now, with his parents? Is he not paying his way at all for anything? Why can't he sell his house? You can sell anything, perhaps at a loss but such is life. So, what? Apparently he is paying on the home if so if he sells it, he can then help with rent. Why would he even want to refi on a home he doesn't need, want or can't rent? Sell, sell, sell.
But, it sounds like the onus is on you to figure all of this out. What does he say and want?

[BlackDiamond]

There are many difficult situations in life. You are simply making a lot of excuses for why you cannot. I don't get the "we can only live together with a roommate" thing. Why? Where does he live now, with his parents? Is he not paying his way at all for anything? Why can't he sell his house? You can sell anything, perhaps at a loss but such is life. So, what? Apparently he is paying on the home if so if he sells it, he can then help with rent. Why would he even want to refi on a home he doesn't need, want or can't rent? Sell, sell, sell.
But, it sounds like the onus is on you to figure all of this out. What does he say and want?

Because he owns 1/3 of the house. The other two owners can't afford to buy his 3rd from him. The 3rd he pays is entire monthly net salary. He wants to foreclose but the other two refuse to. They have tried selling. They can't. They're 100K upside down. They've tried re-fi. Been turned down everywhere. Now, because there is a now a lawsuit attached to the house, they can't even list it for 3 years. Who would buy a house with a suit attached to it?

He simply does not have enough income to pay what he has to on the house and help me with rent. I :
1. don't want a man who can't help pay at least 10% or so of the bills and
2. don't want to be legally liable for financial crap surrounding a house I've never been in (which I would be if we were legally married) and
3. I really can't afford a $800 a month apartment by myself which is the going rate for a 1BR in MA.

I am telling him it's over tonight. I'm done with dealing with other people's problems. I'm sure in 10 years when he is done with all this, he will make some lucky woman a very wonderful husband but I am not waiting 10 years.

Also, you're right. It IS all on me to figure this out. He doesn't say or think anything. He just cries. I'm the one who has been selling everything I own, stashing money away. He has done nothing. He told me several times he'd try to get a second job but he has not even applied anywhere. He's done OT at his current job a few times (so have I) but that is all.

The more I think about it, I'm just fed up.

Thanks all.

[Mjenn]

I guess I don't really get what it is you want here, except to break up with him.

You've made it clear in anothr thread you don't want kids, if you break up with him your living situation would remain the same, if you stay together why not keep your situation?

Or is getting married in and of itself what you want? Or someone to live with?
I don't get really what you are after, since you seem pretty self sufficient.

I probably wouldn't marry someone with so much debt, but marriage isn't the be all end all for me.

[cschin4]

I think you have answered your own question. So, at this point, you really should make a firm decision to move on with your life. If it isn't going to work, it isn't going to work. You are only hurting yourself if you continue with a relationship that is going nowhere.

But, what kind of legal situation involves owning a house, having a lawsuit, being $100K upside down, etc? There may be some basis for that but are your sure he is telling you all or just kind of spinning? Certainly partnerships can be dissolved, it might take legal wrangling and some expense but so what? If he wanted to get out, there is a way. Why can't they sell the house? If the other partners are in this losing proposisition and don't want to sell then, they aren't to bright. They should be doing whatever it takes to unload the house. You can sell at a loss. Fix it up, price it low, low, low and let it go. It really sounds like he is making excuses. And, what is up with this home? Do they all live in it? Is it just sitting empty? How could a judge expect a home to sit there empty for 3 yrs waiting for a lawsuit? Why would it take 3 yrs to even address this? It doesn't add up.