In a tough spot ! Making $300K, gf has debt wants to marry !

[secretlyrich]

Hi all,

I feel quite isolated because of my profession and lack of friends, so I turn to you all.

So here is the deal:

I just turned 32, I have about $500K in cash in the bank, and I make about $300K/yr. I have a house (with no equity), but I'm going to sell it this yr and not make anything off it (trying to move out of the area, as I dont like it ). I have about $12k on a student loan and a car payment of $600/month. I have no other debt other than that.

The problem is, my 30 yr old girlfriend of a couple years bugs me periodically about getting married and having kids. I care about her alot, and generally enjoy being with her. She's had alot of problems in the past (sexual abuse, went to rehab for drug abuse, major family problems, etc) and it s greatly affecting her current situation.

She makes $38K/yr and has about $3k in credit card debt and about $500 to her name. Her job sucks (her words not mine), she has a hellish commute (45min to 1.5 hrs one way sometimes), and her car will probably break down this year. I've tried to teach her my profession (which only requires her to read and practice from a book), but she doesnt have the confidence in herself and doesnt work at it. I tell her she has to work for the things she wants in life, but she keeps saying she doesnt feel like she can achieve the things I tell her because of her low self-esteem.

She gets really emotional when I bring up her life situation, as I tell her that all it would take is one thing like her car breaking down to put her in serious debt, so its tough talking to her. We go on about 7-10 vacations a yr that I pay for and I pay for most of the food, and all of the utilities , yet she still is not able to save any money.

I really dont know what to do ! I feel like if I end the relationship because of her problems, she would have to live with her family, and be even worse off. I really dont want to have kids with someone that has no job skills to support a family if something were to happen to me, but am I being selfish or unreasonable ?

All I want her to do is work hard to accomplish something that she can be proud of, but she barely has any time left everyday after her long work commute and cooking dinner most nights. I know thats not an excuse though, as I worked 40hrs while in college fulltime and made it.

My gf doesnt seem to care about money, she is more into feeling emotionally cared for (she's said this explicitly to me). She pays for dinner and some things when we go out, so I know she doesnt want to marry for money (I'm not rich anyways)

I guess on some level, I feel like I want her to work at least half as hard as I do. I dont want to be married to someone who is completely dependent on me. Full disclosure: I was married once before, but I have no kids, and the divorce was a clean split.

What do you all think about my relationship ? Am I being materialistic by trying to guard the money I worked my ass off over the last 14 yrs to accrue ? I'm worried I could get married and have kids with her, then if things dont work out and then I have to shell out thousands every month (I hate to say that, but I'm just being honest)

Should I be saving more ?

[creditcardfree]

My first thought is you aren't ready to marry this person. Definitely get counseling before you do. I think you have a right to a prenuptial agreement. If she loves you and understands where you are coming from she'll sign it.

Why in the world do you have a student loan and a car payment when you have $500K in the bank?

[secretlyrich]

@creditcardfree: Thanks for the reply. I agree, I'm definitely not ready to get married (and I tell her that too)

I could pay both loans off obviously, but the combined monthly for both is about $690/month. Paying them both off would mean I have to outlay about $30K. I day trade on the stock market, so I can put that cash to much better use, so thats why I havent paid them off.

[Broken Arrow]

I really dont want to have kids with someone that has no job skills to support a family if something were to happen to me, but am I being selfish or unreasonable ?

Well, if that's truly how you feel about it, please don't marry her (yet). This issue needs to be sorted out somehow first.

What do you all think about my relationship ? Am I being materialistic by trying to guard the money I worked my ass off over the last 14 yrs to accrue ?

No. Quite the opposite.

I'm worried I could get married and have kids with her, then if things dont work out and then I have to shell out thousands every month (I hate to say that, but I'm just being honest)

A perfectly reasonable concern.

Should I be saving more ?

More than likely.

[maat55]

The whole purpose of cortship is to find a suitable mate. Why are you wasting both your times?

It is not unusuall in this world for someone to be less ambitious and savy with money, than you are. It is also normal for a women to want to be taken care of and have children.

The question is, despite her short comings, do you trust and love her? You make plenty of money for the two of you.

You also need to know what you want from a mate. Is this women physically and mentally stimulating to you? What has kept you together for two years?

[MonkeyMama]

I can't help but think, reading your post, is that this is why so many people divorce. They ignore concerns like this before they get married.

I personally could not be married to someone that did not try harder and pull their weight. I understand your feelings. {OF course, I am a woman, so why would I Want to support a mate?} But, being very driven, I had dated a few guys with no ambition. Of course, I think I came to this conclusion about un-ambitious types, in about 5 minutes. Before getting emotionally attached to someone I am clearly not compatible with. Which I would consider for any future courting. (I agree - why waste all this time?)

I personally don't think you are being materialistic. IT's more about relating to someone on an emotional level, as I read it.

On the flip side, I think the advice about counseling is good. It sounds like your girlfriend is a hard worker and has potential. She just needs to have more confidence. I just wouldn't marry her until she changes, or you can live with the fact that she will always be like this.

If she can't change, and you can't accept it - you shouldn't marry her.

[Ima saver]

It doesn't sound like you truly love her. When I first met my husband, I could not stand to be away from him for a minute. When we ate meals, we alway sat next to each other and held hands. ( I learned to eat left handed, even tho I am right handed)
We still always sit next to each other and we have been married for 33 years.
May I ask what you do for a living other than day trade?

[tripods68]

If you are not ready for a long term relationship, it's best to be totally honest with her now how you feel and you think what you need. In the end if it don't work out, you can't make an excuse why your relationship didn't work the way it did.

[myrdale]

From the way you describe her finacial situation, it sounds like she isn't much worst than average. She makes enough money to support herself, she has a modest amount of debt that she could pay off in a few months, she doesn't drive a luxury car.

"All I want her to do is work hard to accomplish something that she can be proud of, but she barely has any time left everyday after her long work commute and cooking dinner most nights."

I don't understand your reasoning here. She works hard, and still comes home and provides for you.

"I feel like if I end the relationship because of her problems, she would have to live with her family, and be even worse off. I really dont want to have kids with someone that has no job skills to support a family if something were to happen to me, but am I being selfish or unreasonable ?"

Again where does this no jobs skills come in at? Because she doesn't make $300k? And staying with someone because of what would happen to them if you broke up sounds like pity not love. And as for what would happen if you were to die, buy life insurance.

At the end of the day she has a budgeting / savings problem. Someone needs to help her work though those. If you love her, marry her, if not quit wasting her and your time. With the amount you say you make there is no reason she couldnt be a full time house wife / mother. Her income shouldn't matter.

I just don't think you have your heart in this relationship, and it almost sounds like your looking for flaws in her to cut it off.

[MichaelQ22]

Sounds like you don't respect her. If you cant respect her, you should not marry her. Your differences will eventually end your relationship. If you do end up marrying, by all means prenup...

[hawkster]

I call bs on the whole story

[markusk]

A 30 year old woman wanting to get married and having kids is understandable if she feels she's found the right guy. Since you have a good income, why would this woman want to work when she does not enjoy working? On the other hand, you seem to have certain expectations in a future spouse and you are aware of her past baggage which is causing you to have 2nd thoughts(?).

As others have suggested, get some counseling. At the very least sit down and talk about your respective expectations.

[fruitbowlk]

OK. My suggest would be walk away from this relationship now. You will not have a sucessfully marriage with the type of person your gf is. Her emotional problems will drag you down her financally problems will drag/stress you out. You make great money and is a fantastic saver and you must marry someone that will be on the same page you are about money,kids, family, etc and from the sounds of you post it's not your girlfriend. Good Luck.

[jasonnoguchi]

when you have such uncomfortable thoughts about someone, no matter if its in terms of finances or character, you are not ready to marry that person...

[tripods68]

My thoughts you should be more open towards her how you feel. Openly discuss anything and everything about family, work, expectation, and all the things like and dislike about the relationship. It's probably early in your relationship the key to better relationship with someone is communicating.