Adult kids staying at home

**Andrew Jackson** · 03-24-2010, 08:03 AM

Originally posted by questions View Post

My situation is this: I have a 20 year old who dropped out of high school and has only worked a few months earning very little. He has not made the effort to go back to school or tried to get his GED. He has not filled out work applications. His step-father and I argue about his lack of motivation. His step father does not want to support my son any longer and wants him to move in with his father. I'm torn and stuck between a rock and a hard place. Should I ask him to live with his father? Should I fill out the work applications for him considering he won't?

I have pushed him and gotten him in programs but once they end, he is right back to his normal routine of staying up late and sleeping in. He's an introverted person and lacks self esteem, self confidence, and self motivation. He is going no where. He rarely contributes at home. I am not sure what to do as he is not prepared to live on his own. What should I do?

Honestly, I get him on the next quickest buss to the marine core, navy, or air force.

**cooliemae** · 03-24-2010, 08:13 AM

I would suggest a program called Job Corps. It is a federally funded program aimed getting 16-24 young adults their GED/HS and teaches them a trade at the same time. For more information head to Job Corp's Website.

I know it sounds like advertising, but I work for it and while it might not fit your son's needs, I can't help but pass along the opportunity.

**feh** · 03-24-2010, 08:42 AM

It may be difficult, but it may be time for some tough love. Some people will never stand on their own two feet until they're forced to. I'd consider telling him he needs to pay rent and a portion of the food bill or move out.

**snshijuptr** · 03-24-2010, 09:02 AM

I must firmly agree with this. He is an adult and adults work in order to live. You might find that being given the choice of the street or a job will help your son get out of this depressed phase he is in. For that matter, as your last favor to him, you might offer to help him get a little bit of therapy. It is hard to get moving when you have no inertia.

One of my favorite studies to cite for this is one where some researchers went into a nursing home. They told half of the patients to relax and let the staff take care of all their needs. The other half were told that they had to take charge of their lives and take care of themselves. They had to quickly discontinue the study because the death rates between the two groups was so different.

Stress keeps us alive and healthy! We literally get physically and mentally sick without stress! Help your son by giving him a bit of stress in his life.

**disneysteve** · 03-24-2010, 09:04 AM

Originally posted by feh View Post

It may be difficult, but it may be time for some tough love. Some people will never stand on their own two feet until they're forced to. I'd consider telling him he needs to pay rent and a portion of the food bill or move out.

I agree with everyone. He is not going to do anything until he is forced to do it. Stop supporting him. Stop feeding him for free. Stop housing him for free. Stop doing his laundry for free. He is an adult and needs to start acting like one. Give him a deadline by which he either needs to have a job and start paying expenses or needs to be out of the house. Maybe 60 days or so would be reasonable depending on the local market.

**zakity** · 03-24-2010, 11:45 AM

Yep, he needs to be given a "move out" date. And, you need to be firm with him on it. If he moves in with his dad, then it is his dad's problem if he lets him mooch off him.

**cschin4** · 03-24-2010, 12:27 PM

Hunger is a great motivator. Unfortunately, many today just seem satisfied if their bellies are full and they have warm place to sleep. We have really failed this generation in that we have made people think that if they cannot attain the bling, bling or be the "best" and #1 all the time that they are unimportant or nothing. We have scoffed at "McJobs" and instead of appreciating a job well done and teaching our children to take pride in even the smallest things, we have shown them that being top of the heap is all that matters.
Not saying you, but society in general. We think we are raising chidren and we are instead of raising adults. One's self esteem and confidence comes from taking pride in doing a job well done and accomplishing things. Being a hardworker is no longer admired but instead we admire those who create some internet scam and get rich quick. We have lost many of our core values of raising our children to work hard, think of others and contribute to society. Again, this is the message that is screamed at them 24/7.
Also, as the economy declines, there simply are not the jobs that once were and most of the jobs are not going to lead to anything further down the road for the young person. I think that is a bit sad and I am fully prepared to accept that my kids may have to live with us just to survive.
However, it really sounds that you will have to force his hand. I presume that this has been going on for a few years since he hasn't finished HS. And, he may simply just not know what to do and you may need to guide him. But he has to stand up and take A job, any job and get started as this will give him some momentum and hopefully get him on his feet and propel him. If he will not get ANY job then I would send him to live with his father. I would tell him he will be required to pay rent, but not at first until he at least starts getting some paychecks.

**wincrasher** · 03-24-2010, 12:41 PM

Well big surprise this is what you get when you let the TV raise your kids. Parents screw them up and its the parents that have to fix it. Being hard working, driven and responsible does not come naturally - it's taught by parents.

Follow the advice above. Habits are hard to break. Most people won't change until they hit their low and have no other choice.

Enjoy your guilt though.

**PrincessPerky** · 03-25-2010, 09:54 AM

he needs a psychiatrist.

I like the job corp idea, or military, sets him a purpose for several years, and if his depression is low enough he will get help not banned from the programs.

Sending him to live with his father wont help much either, unless the father is better at motivation/teacher than you have been (no offense, but obviously something didn't work out over 20 years if the kid still can't fend for himself)

Regardless keeping him home and doing for him, as you have for 20 years, wont help one bit.

**asmom** · 03-25-2010, 02:29 PM

1. Have him evaluated for clinical depression.

2. If he is healthy, put him out.

**cschin4** · 03-26-2010, 01:18 AM

If he is clinically depressed, which may be the case, having a job and something to do will improve his depression. The longer this goes on with him having no responsibility or job, the worse the situation is going to get. ANY job is a way to jump start.

**BlackDiamond** · 03-26-2010, 07:32 AM

You would be amazed how much people baby their adult children. I work in insurance and it blows my mind on a daily basis how many 20-somethings are seemingly incapable of making their own phone calls regarding their very minor auto accidents.

I once had a guy call screaming at me because we surcharged his 31 year old princess for rear ending a car while she was driving 30 mph over the limit. I think princess only called once or twice to give the initial statement, then started crying when asked basic questions ("Did you try to stop?" etc. ) and then decided to let daddy handle the process for her.

It was even worse the time it was a mom calling for her 37 year old son. He did not purchase a particular type of coverage for his policy (rental car insurance I think it was) and she went ballistic insisting we cover it for him anyway. I imagine he still lives in her basement… Maybe she was pissed because he was using her car?

I'd be horrified if my parents were making my insurance phone calls or if they were that involved in my personal business. Or if they were making any other type of professional phone call that most people handle on their own once they turn 18. Actually, I get a lot of 16 year old drivers who handle their affairs just fine.

But the adults with mom & dad still handling everything for them happens A LOT. Like, way more than I ever would have guessed before I started my job.

The best thing you can do for him is get him checked out, treated for his depression if he is depressed, and send him out into the world to learn to be a productive member of society. Depending on how the job situation is near you, let him stay at home but make him pay rent and do his own cooking and laundry. These are life skills he needs to know in order to survive after his parents are gone.

**coach2wealth** · 03-26-2010, 08:47 AM

I have to jump on this bandwagon. I'm in agreement with putting the adult child out on their own. You are harming him otherwise.

**lillied** · 03-27-2010, 07:11 PM

You have received quite a lot of good advice here. He does need to be evaluated to see if he is suffering from a disorder of some kind. You don't say if he has friends or exactly what he does with his time. I would assign him some chores and make him work for his support until he gets a job or finds another place to live.

Adult kids staying at home