should i address this or ignore it

**disneysteve** · 10-18-2009, 02:38 PM

I think you need to live your life and let him live his. Absolutely under no circumstances should you ever lend him money. If I were in your shoes, I would probably talk to your mom and try to convince her not to give him money either. Explain how it is really enabling his problems and irresponsibility, not helping him in any way. It just makes the problem worse. Giving him money, bailing him out every time he gets himself in trouble doesn't teach him how to get himself out of trouble. I've got zero patience for people like that.

**Joan.of.the.Arch** · 10-18-2009, 02:55 PM

I've said a number of times here that I do not rule out lending money to family, however I think you are describing a case where I would make no more loans.

I would also talk to Mom about brother's problem.

If you want to try to test your determination to make no more loans to him, just try asking him for a loan similar to the biggest size he asks of you or your Mom, and see what his reaction is. Loving reciprocity? Guarded, stammering tight-fistedness? Compassionate scramble to help you however he possibly can? Embarrassed remorse for having taken, taken, taken with no ability to now lend a hand?

**LuxLiving** · 10-18-2009, 03:59 PM

No way would I loan him more money and would also at least talk to Mom about her involvement.

But, the biggest kicker here would be for someone to go around me to ask my kids to do something and thereby putting me in the hotseat. I'd rip him a new place to sit for that one and he'd think long and hard about ever doing it again because the fit I'd pitch would be long remembered by everyone in three counties. Big No NO in my book, can you tell?

If he wants to do something nice for your kids in an effort to be reciprocal? That seems nice. BUT, I'd want to straighten that out as well. It would sound something like this..."You either are out of money (needing rent money) or you have money to blow? How about paying me and/or Mom back what you owe us and I'll treat the kids. Nice you want to do something for them, but let's get everyone squared away in the finance dept before we go blow more change!" There's ways to be a great uncle that don't require him to spend money he can't afford and owes someone else.

**buildmybudget** · 10-18-2009, 07:19 PM

I empathize with you here because you want to be there for your family and see them grow into the person you think they should be: responsible, ethical, strong, etc. The problem is that people rarely change and in this case you are probably just enabling him by giving him money.

I recommend making him work for any money he wants to borrow from you or your mom. He'll learn there isn't any more "easy money," and you will have done everything you can to help him.

**irmanator** · 10-19-2009, 03:12 PM

for the record i don't loan him money anymore. I do pay him to fix my car once in a while.

**disneysteve** · 10-19-2009, 03:18 PM

Originally posted by irmanator View Post

for the record i don't loan him money anymore. I do pay him to fix my car once in a while.

That's a great solution. If he needs money and can provide a service to you that you are willing to pay for, I've got no problem with that. That isn't a loan. That isn't a hand out. That is payment for services rendered and teaches him that there is no free lunch. You want money? Go out and work for it.

**jasonnoguchi** · 10-19-2009, 06:22 PM

Originally posted by disneysteve View Post

That's a great solution. If he needs money and can provide a service to you that you are willing to pay for, I've got no problem with that. That isn't a loan. That isn't a hand out. That is payment for services rendered and teaches him that there is no free lunch. You want money? Go out and work for it.

totally agreed. make him work for his money. that could give him a new perspective in life and start thinking about how to obtain money the right way.

**kenyantykoon** · 10-20-2009, 09:42 AM

this guy is a leech. what you and your mum need to do is that you need to meet up and agree to cut him off completely' without warning. for as long as it takes for him to grow up. as long as you keep feeding him and taking care of all his whims, he will never leave

**wincrasher** · 10-24-2009, 10:54 AM

Long ago I came to the conclusion that there is no such thing as loaning money to family and friends. It's always a gift. Thinking anything else is rather foolish.

If you can afford to give your family money then give it. If not, then don't. And don't feel guilty if you say no.

All this trying to control other people, make them learn something or "change their ways" is just a waste of your time. People change when they want to. And not always when they have to.

If your mom wants to give her money to your brother, who are you to tell her she can't? It's her money and she can piss it away if she wants to. Eventually she'll be crying on your shoulder about it and that is not the time to tell her "I told you so".

**cschin4** · 10-24-2009, 11:17 AM

Long ago I came to the conclusion that there is no such thing as loaning money to family and friends. It's always a gift. Thinking anything else is rather foolish.
Yes, why go through the pretense of loans? It only creates anger, resentment and hostility. If you want to give money as a gift, then do so, if not, don't.

If you can afford to give your family money then give it.
I disagree with this. No one is under any obligation to give money to their family just because they can "afford" it. Whether you can "afford" it or not is nobody's business or concern.
Grownups asking other grownups for money is extremely presumptuous in the first place unless in dire straits.

As for your mom, what she does with her money is her business. I wouldn't get involved in that one. If she wants to give money to one of her children, that is her choice.

**wincrasher** · 10-24-2009, 11:22 AM

I should have worded that "if you can afford to, and want to, then give it"

should i address this or ignore it