Wife Threatening To Leave!!

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Might I suggest a post-nuptial agreement? They are becoming more and more commonplace in the legal community.

I don't pretend to understand them fully but you basically sign an agreement (with neither party under duress of course) that from hereonin, any debt that is incurred by you is yours and any debt incurred by her is hers should you split. It can be a tool for mediation, as well as divorce, if she is threatening to leave you anyway.

It sounds like she is resisting the idea of debt reduction so rather than appease her, I would confront her with the issue. If she doesn't want to discuss it, well, that tells you something. . .that she doesn't mind you being on the hook for her debts. At that point, you have to decide if you love her that much to finance the lifestyle she thinks she is entitled to.

[wincrasher]

Well, if she was serious in saying such a thing, I'd tell her go ahead. She probably wasn't.

I think this is a subliminal way to exert her power over you. Ensuring your continued poverty may be the only thing she can control in your relationship.

Maybe you should try to figure out why she feels less than an equal partner to you. Why is she trying to hurt you? Does she think you are trying to control her by controlling her spending? Does she understand the worry or panic you have about your finances? Does she understand she's hurting herself by hurting you?

Somehow you have to have a loving conversation about your future together. If you can't find a way, you may need to cut her loose.

[jIM_Ohio]

Jim_Ohio,
Just curious, are you recommending that the hypothetical person making 100k gross (66k net) should send 20k to pay down debt IN ADDITION to 15k to retirement and 5k to short-term savings? Thus living on only the remaining 26k? Or would you recommend suspending the retirement and short-term savings until the debt is paid off, thus living on 46k?

20% of gross to financial independance

which would be debt
then once paid off to retirement

with some exceptions depending on the debt amount and interest rates.

[Seeker]

Budget is posted in his blog dated 12/6/2008 (or at least an outdated one).

Looks like wife's CCs are not major company credit cards.... just a bunch of store specific ones. Not a lot of the total debt is hers; his is greater as posted on the 12/6 blog.

$80 a week mad money for each of them. $320/month each = $640

Boys lunch money weekly = $68 = $272/month

I hope those groceries of $600 are actually monthly and NOT weekly ??? I cannot imagine $2400 per month just for groceries!

One of the debts listed is for furniture and it's listed as a total of $1.5k.

None of the wifes' other individual cc debt totals are over $1k.... but interest rates are not posted. Wife's total debt with the furniture is approx $5k.

Taxes are $3k.

American Express is husbands' with almost $7k total debt; and husbands Master Card of $1.5k total. $8.5k total husbands debt.

House has been robbed of a new A/C unit. Looks like house values in that area have gone down and they are upside-down on the loan due to refinancing in 2001. They've been trying to get into another house in another area. FICO scores are in the 700's. This is probably the incentive for Brian to pay down debt and get money in order.

Income = 4800 / month
Husband was working two jobs -- cannot tell if still is. Income may be outdated.

Past due to a tune of $600 on utility bill Water & Sewer at least in December.

Wife's Hair = $165 per month ?????

Dish TV, Cable Internet, Cell, Vonage (auto) total $225 / month.

Income versus expenses leaves him .19 per month? Or at least in November/December of last year.

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Brian, you need to update your budget in order for us to determine anything. Add the interest rate percentages that you're paying on each individual debt. Determine order of payoffs (highest interest rate first if possible).

You need to work with your wife and come to a decision as to how to tackle all of this. Separating bills into his and hers will not resolve the problem if only one of you is paying and the other is charging.

Both of you need to be at the same page and both of you need to determine what your goals as a family are to be.

If you work together as a team to pay all the credit cards down and out, then you'll be that much closer to your goals.

If you and she become defensive and argue about what needs to heppen, it will not happen.

You both need to sit down together and discuss your goals as a family. What does she want? What do you want? In order to make that happen, compromise. Sit, listen and talk.

Put together a plan for meeting the compromised goals. Work together as a team to figure out how to make it happen and when the milestones will be if you follow that plan. Goals must be achieveable in order for both of your to get out of the mess you find yourselves in. One step at a time. One day at a time.

[jIM_Ohio]

Brian should take the time to organize his data- he needs to do this to help himself.

[cschin4]

You have bigger issues. Your main issue needs to be to work on your marriage. I would suggest you seeing a pastor or counselor and get some help.
As for you cutting up HER cards, if you have his and her cards, I think she needs to come to that point herself. If you have both been irresponsible and now all of the sudden you have seen the light and error of your ways, then forcing your new found views on her will make her react exactly as she did. One has to get the beam out of one's own eye before removing it from others.
So, the greater issue here is restoring your marriage and learning to work together which also will include compromising on both your parts. Perhaps she could keep a few cards for now with the goal of you both looking toward getting only one card, etc. But, you need to work at it together. She obviously perceives you as just grabbing her cards and cutting them up against her will which isn't going to fly.

[Bernz]

Not sure that cutting up all her credit cards is the right thing to do. But, I do not understand why a wife would leave a spouse for such either when all you are trying to do is save your finances which will probably save the marriage as well. But you both have to reach an agreement here. She has got to to realized that this is ruining your finances and that her expenses is also yours and vice versa. Communication is they key.

[PrincessPerky]

So is cutting up the cards going to cure all your problems? cause if it is a magic bullet then maybe it is worth a divorce..prolly not though.

Will leaving the cards intact kill you?

You seem stuck on it, like it is the next step and if she doesn't cut them you cannot possible reach financial security...

One thing at a time, you didn't get into this mess in a day and you didn't become the person you are in a day, neither of you is going to change instantly.

[cicy33]

I guess I have another thought. While I am in agreement of not charging cards I guess here is my thought. Why does she have to cut up her cards? and why can't it be that she just doesn't want to or that she feels more secure having them versus the opinion that she is trying to control someone? I personally got rid of all mine and there are times I wish I had kept one or two. I would feel more secure just knowing there is a safety net, you know? If she has shown that she wants to pay off debt and it sounds like you are both on the same page on that then I think you may want to back off a little and determine the reason for her wanting to keep them. maybe that could lead to a decision to get rid of a few of them or some other compromise. Whether I am in a relationship or married or not I personally think I am still entitled to my opinion. So my thought to sum it up is maybe she isn't trying to be a pain but is simply her own person and has a different opinion. What makes hers the wrong one? or the right one? you know what I mean? And I really think (and I am going on personal experience here) that she feels very threatened by what she perceives as your controlling issue over cutting up the cards and that is why she possibly made that threat. Does that make sense?

[MamaBird06]

i would say she may not be completely committed to reducing the debt. I have read up, researched and starting learning about reducing for about 2 years, but it's just now that my husband is really wanting to get on board with the matter. I would suggust locking up the cards, cutting up may be too much for her at the moment. Give her some more time...

[lizajane]

What if you locked them up in a secure box with 2 locks - one for you and one for her? You BOTH need to agree to unlock the box in order to use the cards. It would be quicker than thawing them out, less drastic than cutting them up, and it would have to be an agreed-upon expense.

Good luck. This isn't an easy one.

[myrdale]

You say "Our priority has been paying off debt" but then in your next post you say "We pay our cards separately now." You suggest she is on board but at the same time she is not showing any signs of wanting to get out of debt.

First, she is not the bad guy. This is the life style you both have lived for a long time. It just so happens you've wised up and want to improve the situation. We need to show her it is probably in her best interest to start cutting back on the cards. Ten cards for one person really does seem kind of extreme.

She needs to be involved in the household finances with you. Personally I would gather up the newest statements from each of the ten cards. Write down the balances from all of them on a sheet of paper. Then write down the amount of interest you are paying each month.

Now once that is done, I would consider working with her to pay off her cards. The typical Dave Ramsey responce is to pay off the smallest balance first. Let me make a suggestion, you pick one card and say YOU will pay it off in full. However the other half of the deal is that after that card is paid off it doesn't get used again. She pulls it out of her purse and sticks it in a box. We will not both cutting them up for now, lets just get them out of sight and out of mind.

After a while has gone by and you have knocked two or three other cards out of the way, then suggest lets terminate this card that we no longer use.

[Rainelli]

if you think that you wasn't able to pay for it anymore then better explain this to your wife...