Lessons for Parents of Adult Children

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

What lessons might parents need to learn regarding money and their adult children?

[Gruntina]

My parent taught me to be independent at an early age. When I left home at 17, I never had to ask for help or money once. I am now age 32 and still doing pretty well. My parents pretty much spend money on grandchildren while they are young.

I guess it depends on how the parents raise their children to be self sufficient or not.

Another thought that comes to mind is to teach your child not to depend on your parents for money as well as not to expect anything from them either. My parents do very well and have a really nice house and take yearly vacations but they are the one that worked hard for it. It should be theirs. We get a nice gift from them sometimes but not so much where you expect it like an end of year work bonus.

[MonkeyMama]

My parent taught me to be independent at an early age. When I left home at 17, I never had to ask for help or money once. I am now age 32 and still doing pretty well. My parents pretty much spend money on grandchildren while they are young.

I guess it depends on how the parents raise their children to be self sufficient or not.

Another thought that comes to mind is to teach your child not to depend on your parents for money as well as not to expect anything from them either. My parents do very well and have a really nice house and take yearly vacations but they are the one that worked hard for it. It should be theirs. We get a nice gift from them sometimes but not so much where you expect it like an end of year work bonus.

Agreed. (I could have written this post).

Don't you think Gruntina, that parents who try to make their children independent in their 20s/30s, have lost the point? It starts young. You slowly let the lessons sink in, starting as young as toddler, and through teenager-hood. At that point, with the exception of maybe helping for college, your kids should be able to stand on their own two feet.

But it's something you should be priming your kids for, from the day they are born.

[Gruntina]

I believe in the "It is never too late mentality" when it comes to teaching or trying something new. The reality is that 'Life' gets in the way. The best way for parents and children of any age to learn is to be honest and straightforward. This might even mean admitting to past mistakes. There is also a saying "When the student is ready, the teacher shows up".

There are some who learned financial wisdom without the direct teaching from the parents but by behavior. There was some years when one of my divorced parents was battling a long time illness and could not keep up with day to day responsibilities. I was pretty young but somehow just took over with the grocery shopping and the like. We were poor at the time so I had to learn early on how to get the most out of the little money we had.

While I learned money management growing up, I on the other hand did not know much about saving and investing. I am thankful for this board for being available resource for me to learn. Because of this board, I started my retirement at age 27. I cringe to think of how much compounding interest I missed out on but the same time I didn’t discover this when I am well into my 50’s. But again this board gives great advice for those who are starting out late as well so not all hope is lost.

[myrdale]

Agreed.
Don't you think Gruntina, that parents who try to make their children independent in their 20s/30s, have lost the point? It starts young. You slowly let the lessons sink in, starting as young as toddler, and through teenager-hood. At that point, with the exception of maybe helping for college, your kids should be able to stand on their own two feet.

I definiately agree with you. Even something as simple as making them comfortable with day care at 4 or 5 helps them with being indepented of you. Let them have sleepovers at friends or activites like the Scouts or summer camps at an early age.

Now to the OP, what to do at this point? Joan I know your on the boards alot, but I personally don't know the situation. If they are living at home and your feeding them, I don't think that is so bad. But they better have a full time job. You shouldn't be paying their gas or insurance. And I'd consider having them put money towards the bills. I wouldnt be giving them anything expensive like a computer etc.

Now if they are off and on their own, in a bind or what ever, I wouldn't have any problem "helping" them. Notice I said helping, not supporting them. If they have gotten into a real bind, help however you can, but again, they better be working or looking for a job and they best be committed to getting theirselves out of the pickle.

Lastly if you see they are having trouble but haven't come to you for help, I think it would be fine to ask them if they need help looking at a budget or the like. You sort of got to play it by ear.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

I am not asking because I am having any trouble. It is just a general question. What made me think of the question was what both disneysteve and cshin4 said in the thread posted by ummabdullah "need some help with family issue." They were talking about a parent giving them gifts that they did not want or need.

Their posts did remind me of when my husband and I first bought our house. For two years we carried our laundry to a laundromat. Then his parents visited and surprised us with the delivery of a washer and dryer one day. My husband was kind of pissed....Fast forward to this weekend in which my husband offered to buy my son (a student who lives in another town) a new laptop as his ( a hand-me-down) has been repaired several times and is about beyond help. Son was a little annoyed, since he does also have a desk top. Son I think expects better frugality out of his Dad!

We do continue to help son with living expenses as he has a very heavy schedule (physics) and it is a rural college town with few possibilities for part time employment. He does have PT campus work. Plus, we still see ourselves as part of the same team, parents and 20 year old son. Son did some major work for us here last week, that saved us several hundred dollars. I see us helping each other mutually and do not foresee any problem with independence. That doesn't mean I have no need to keep my eyes open for possible issues. But for the most part, I asked the question for general discussion.

[PrincessPerky]

I have to disagree with daycare, in most cases the children there do not learn independence of working, they just learn to not be with mom or dad...on the other hand at home many children learn to get things for themselves, to work for themselves, and so on.

Scouts and such can only help if you work with your kids to do it on their own..for example havng them roll their own sleeping bag and set up their own tent. If you do all that for them and drop them off to the scoutmaster/den leader you missed the point, and so did your kid.

I do agree that learning about finances early on is best, but it is never to late to talk, just don't make all conversations about money, your kid might think you went off the deep boring end.