need some help with family issue

[cschin4]

Her giving us the item throws that system out of whack. I'll be 44 in 2 days and still haven't figured out how to handle this.
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Steve. I have finally learned how to handle this with my mom. You accept the gift and say "thank you" and then do whatever you want with it. Most likely she isn't trying to make a point that you can't afford it, etc, she is trying to say to you "I know you like this so I decided to buy it for you because I love you". So, take it in the spirit in which it was given.
But, I have found that since my mom does this, there are times when I do not tell her about things I am thinking of buying, etc because she used to run out and buy it for me. And, a lot of times after thinking things over I realized I didn't want the item.

[disneysteve]

Steve. I have finally learned how to handle this with my mom. You accept the gift and say "thank you" and then do whatever you want with it. Most likely she isn't trying to make a point that you can't afford it, etc, she is trying to say to you "I know you like this so I decided to buy it for you because I love you". So, take it in the spirit in which it was given.
But, I have found that since my mom does this, there are times when I do not tell her about things I am thinking of buying, etc because she used to run out and buy it for me. And, a lot of times after thinking things over I realized I didn't want the item.

I see you deal with the same issue. Thanks for your post. Yes, sometimes we just accept the gift and say thanks. And we have definitely learned to not speak of things we might possibly want in her presence because she goes out and gets them without asking us.

I understand where it all comes from. She is 78 and figures she has more than enough money to meet her needs for the rest of her life, however long that may be. She has seen 2 of her sisters end up in nursing homes and all of their money going to pay the nursing home bills rather than passing to family members and she doesn't want that to happen with her money. She'd much rather give it away now and not have it end up that way. That actually makes a lot of sense. I've thought about having her give us money and just parking it in a MMA or CD. If she ever needs it, we'll give it back. Otherwise, we'll just have it as an advance on the inheritance.

[cschin4]

My mom is 77. For awhile after we bought our first house, my mom used to go to auctions to buy me stuff for the house. And, at first I tried to be appreciative. But, her tastes and my tastes did not meet! Anyway, I did have to just tell her to stop bringing me stuff from auction that I want to decorate my own home. ANd, for awhile she continued on but then when she brought something into the house, I told her no thanks and told her she would have to take it home with her. After she took home several ugly lamps that she bought me, she got the hint!
However, she now buys stuff for the kids. And, I do have to be careful to be gracious as well as I don't want to take the wind out her sails because she enjoys buying them things.
Also, in some ways buying you things allows them to feel useful and needed. Going on a shopping mission to find you the perfect thing is a way to still feel productive. And, I know that my mom is aging and not able to do many of the things she used to be able to do so I don't want to take away something she enjoys either.
However, if she does buy us something and I don't want it, I feel no qualms about just taking it to Goodwill and giving it away. I figure if she gives the item and I say "thank you" that is the end of it and she is happy. So, I just quietly get rid of the item if I don't want it but I don't make a point to tell her it is gone either.

[ummabdullah]

carrying a few grand in your pocket is considered quite normal in the areas I frequent. No I do not splash my money around or even show what I have in my pocket. One would only know if something I purchased was more than in my pocket and I had to dig into my hand bag.

But thank you for sounding exactly like my aunt who thinks a $1000 dollars is alot of money to carry around these days even in huntington beach where she lives and everyone lives in million dollar homes!

[Seeker]

carrying a few grand in your pocket is considered quite normal in the areas I frequent. No I do not splash my money around or even show what I have in my pocket. One would only know if something I purchased was more than in my pocket and I had to dig into my hand bag.

But thank you for sounding exactly like my aunt who thinks a $1000 dollars is alot of money to carry around these days even in huntington beach where she lives and everyone lives in million dollar homes!

Lol -- If you're talking about me sounding like your aunt... that's good. I probably am old enough to be your aunt.

Here's something to think about:

Crime Rate Comparison: Huntington Beach Vs. Redondo Beach

Two cities on the California coast. Instead of Redondo Beach, put in Rolling Hills (part of the Palos Verdes Peninsula area). All these areas have expensive homes by today's standards... but obviously some are safer than others. PV has considerably less crime than HB. And RB has some better stats than HB as well... some worse (depending on the crime).

"Comfort" or lack thereof, is dictated by a huge number of factors. Being aware of your surroundings is half the battle.

[Coleroo]

Her giving us the item throws that system out of whack. I'll be 44 in 2 days and still haven't figured out how to handle this.
__________________

Steve. I have finally learned how to handle this with my mom. You accept the gift and say "thank you" and then do whatever you want with it. Most likely she isn't trying to make a point that you can't afford it, etc, she is trying to say to you "I know you like this so I decided to buy it for you because I love you". So, take it in the spirit in which it was given.
But, I have found that since my mom does this, there are times when I do not tell her about things I am thinking of buying, etc because she used to run out and buy it for me. And, a lot of times after thinking things over I realized I didn't want the item.

My father dealt with this with his own mom and your solution was his as well. It kept peace and made her feel good. I remember him trying to refuse at various times and she would always get so upset. I guess many mothers never lose the need to feel like they are providing, in some manner, for their offspring. My son is only 3 months old, but I can imagine that I'd feel deeply hurt some day if he refused to accept money gifts from his father and me (especially since we already have savings accounts set up to do just that!).