Would it be worth it for a married couple to live apart for a job?

[MrsBaker]

My husband and I are facing a dilemma. Here is a little background info...

We are in our mid-20's, no kids, married for 1 year. He is in outside sales, making anywhere from $40-65K/year. Now that he's been doing it for a few years and getting a lot of referrals, I would say he's making near the top end of that range. I have an accounting/financial analyst job making $55K/year with great benefits (they pay 100% of medical and dental premiums for me and my husband, contribute 7.5% to my 401k, and provide 100% tuition reimbursement for my MBA courses...of which I have 3 left to finish my degree). In the past year we have paid off all our credit cards, both cars, and are on track to have my student loans gone by the end of the year. After that, our only debt will be the mortgage on our townhome. We live well within our means so that we can build up an emergency fund and save big for retirement. Our monthly surplus is usually around $2800/month.

We are planning to have kids in about 5 years, at which time I will become a stay-at-home mom. Ideally we'd like to have two kids fairly close together, and I would return to the workforce after they begin school. It is because of this goal that we are choosing to focus on my husband's career. His company has tried to promote him previously, but they wanted him to relocate about 5 hours away, and we weren't ready to do that at the time since we had just gotten engaged. Now they are trying to promote him again to sales manager, but it will require relocation to a city about 3 hours away.

The promotion would give him a base salary of $45K with another $42K in bonus potential. The branch is a top performer, so he would definitely bonus, though how close to the max is uncertain. This sales manager position is supposed to be a springboard for a general manager position, so he would probably only be there for 6-18 months before being promoted to a general manager in another branch (hopefully back home when the current g.m. leaves). General managers make about $100K with similar bonus potential. We’re really excited about his future with this company, so we definitely want to accept this job.

Even though we are focusing on his career, the dilemma is that we are unsure whether it makes good sense for me to leave my job with its pay and benefits and try to find one in the new city when my husband could be promoted again anywhere from 6 months to a year and a half, requiring another move. Also, if I move with him we'd have to figure out whether to sell our townhome, rent it out, or just leave it empty. We can afford the cost of double living expenses, but when saying it out loud it almost sounds crazy to drop a total of $1800/month on an apartment, utilities, and gas to drive back and forth on the weekends to see each other. But I'm not sure how long it would take me to find a good job in the new city. There is so much uncertainty if I just leave.

What would you do?

[maat55]

Boy, thats a tough one. It will henge a lot on where your families live and how involved you are with them. For example: We would never leave where we live because our parents, siblings and children all live here.

Also, following his career may mean, moving alot. I'm not a believer in long distance families, it's bad enough our soldiers have to endure this. I would say, be careful that money doesn't make all your decissions. Many people can and do live full happy lives, staying where they want to live. This is just me. You may have tougher skin. Good luck in your decission.

[Seeker]

You have 3 classes left to finish your MBA? Sounds like maybe 6 months more?

6 months into your hubby's new promotion, position and location, both of you should have a pretty good idea of whether or not that new area is where you want to be and potentially raise a family down the line. Or even if the later promotion opportunity comes along and/or with that another potential move.

I'd probably live apart for that time and commute back/forth for the times off. 6 months should be a good indicator of what might come in the future from there. If you're going to sell your current residence, that also gives you time to prepare.

Pros:
Finish your education
Time to prepare for housing changes
Keep current job/benefits before having to look

Cons:
Being apart
Commuting back-and-forth on days-off
Greater cost for a time

[jIM_Ohio]

The problems you mention are short term.

It makes sense for your DH to take the promotion.
You would then need to decide on the MBA vs your marriage and expenses. I don't mean this to be harsh, just pointing out these are the costs of accepting the promotion and seeing husband move.

Because the move for DH could be "only" 6-18 months, my advice would be to stay and finish the MBA, and maintain current employment as long as possible. Keep the townhouse and make efforts to pay it off/ pay it down.

And then make sure you enjoy the weekend trips to one city or other. 3 hours is a reasonable Monday commute (meaning I could see one of you driving Monday mornings into other city) if you chose to live that way. $1800/month sounds steep for husband to live away. Maybe he finds an extended stay hotel for Tues-Thurs nights at $50/night, then drives back on Friday after work and stays Sunday night with a long commute on Monday morning.

Some sales mgr positions would allow a person to work remote 1 day per week- if this is possible, your DH should also consider this.

I mention finishing MBA because that will have a huge impact on your long term earning potential- whether you become a SAHP or not. I would finish up that loose end. Plus the 7% 401k contribution from company will be HUGE, especially considering there will be 7 years which you cannot contribute when you have kids, maybe close to 10- get as much money in 401k now as possible.

I traveled when I first met my wife and even after we were engaged and married. It grew old being apart after about 18 months. This will test you, but if you are willing to try, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

[MonkeyMama]

Would you really need to pay that much in double living expenses? He could probably make arrangements to share a room or just get a hotel, etc. There are lots of alternatives to maintaining 2 households.

My husband worked in a city, 2 hours away, for about a year. When we were your age and everything. We really didn't find it to be a big deal. We just didn't expect it would be so difficult to find a job here. We moved for the lower cost of living and I found a job right away. He didn't so he kept his old job until he was eventually laid off. The expenses was certainly worth it. (Something like a $50k salary versus the $0 we were faced with, in our case).

Sure, I wouldn't want to do it for years. But 6-18 months is such a short period of time. It gives you greater flexibility to finish school, find a job, see if his job is worthwhile, etc.

Your situation is much more complex, but I just wanted to say it can be workable.

My spouse drove in Monday mornings and came home Thursday nights (working from home Friday). I am not sure I would ask for a lot of flexibility from Day 1. Give him a chance to prove himself and feel out the place. But something to keep in mind to make it easier.

I admit I speak of it as no big deal, but my spouse may differ. It was probably considerably more stressful on him - all the driving and being away from home.

[Snave]

Not that it is exactly the same, but when I dated my now wife and all through our engagement, it was a long distance relationship. We were 2.5 hours apart and dated for a year and were engaed for about 9 months never living in the same city. It wasn't a lot of fun, but my job had me in one city and I knew it would be taking me to another right around the time of our marriage. It didn't make sense for my fiancee at the time to move closer to me only to move again. We decided to stick it out and she would move once we knew where I would end up. He may want to talk with his boss about some possible solutions. One thing I did was leave on Monday mornings around 5:30 AM, getting me in around 8:00 - 8:15 to my office. My boss knew I was coming from 2.5 hours away. As well, I would leave early on Friday or even be able to work remotely on Friday and leave Thursday night. The nice thing was I could justify it b/c I could bust my tail during the week and come in early and stay late b/c it wasn't as if I had to be home to someone for dinner. If he is a good salesman, he should be able to sell his boss on cutting slack on either end of the week if he will bust his butt the rest of the time.

[PrincessPerky]

from what I have heard sales managing positions move a great deal. so this prooly is temporary, though moving back is not a guarantee....most businesses are too optimistic about a jo going your way.

though the longer in the job the more likely to stay in one place....but not as a top performer..business tends to move top performers to under performing markets looking for them to make a turn around. in sales average is the way to stay put IMO.

Anyway, I would not want to be apart from my husband all week, but I don't have a degree to finish. moving without kids is easier, so if you turn this down thinking to move later know it will be harder with little ones.

I am the wrong person to comment though, I left my family and moved 7 hours to be with my husband. He is worth it . (oh and I home school, plus don't get paid for any work)

[cptacek]

I just have to say, it doesn't sound too bad at first. I mean, we'll get to see each other on weekends, it is only for 6 months, we will talk all the time on the phone, I trust him completely, this is better for the long term, we just got married and we were able to live apart before we were married, etc.

But, it sucks. We got married in January and I'm still leaving Monday mornings and going home Thursday nights. In my experience: the drive sucks, you spend a lot of money on gas, you come home to an empty place, sometimes all you want is a hug and he isn't there to give it to you. All of your expenses housing wise are double (at least ours are because I haven't sold my house yet) and you can't get those down because there a minimums on every bill you pay, no matter how much of the utility you use. You have a fight on Sunday night and you stew over it until the next Thursday and then you might not fight that night, because you are just happy to see him and you are tired. So you fight Friday which ruins that weekend too. You want to get pregnant and every time you ovulate it is in the middle of the week. When you go home, all you want to do is be with him and your social life other than that is completely shot...no time to see friends because you want to be with him.

Ok, I'm projecting here. But, I would think long and hard about it before doing it. You are newlyweds, and even though you can remember what it was like before you got married, things have changed. You probably don't want to go back to how you lived before you were married.

[atomicrc11]

I was married three months before I was offered a position in a company that I could not pass up. I had to move for the job, but the company put me up in a hotel for the first two month period for training. Then they sent me away for onsite training with the group i worked with since it was on site at a customer rather than at corporate headquarters. I spent 4 months out there. It was quite tough and I wouldn't do it again, but it got me a good job and eventually a different job in the city. Weigh the pros and cons and make your decision.

[zetta]

Even though you plan to spend some time as a SAHM, I don't think you should be the only one to make career sacrifices for the family. It should be a back-and-forth thing: sometimes you make a sacrifice for his career, sometimes he makes one for your career. In fact, since you are planning some time out of the workforce, it's doubly important that you get some good experience before kids so that you can plan a re-entry strategy when the kids go to school. You need his support!

If you can finish your MBA within 6 months, I would say do the long-distance thing for that period of time, and focus your post-MBA job search in the new city. Perhaps he could promise to stay put while you get established in your new career, saving the moving around until you are a SAHM.

Alternately, maybe he should be the one to make the first career sacrifice, and stay in the current situation until your MBA is complete...You'll owe him one down the road when another opportunity comes up.