Adult child won't leave - what would you do?

[JanH]

I was going to agree with not enabling him to live like he wants with you without any effort. I was going to suggest cutting off the internet and possibly cable. He might just play computer games, but if he has to at least contribute to a service if he wants to use it, he might slowly ease into independence or at least contributing to his life in a positive way. I also agree with talking to a counselor yourself for yourself. They can give you ways of not enabling someone else who is refusing to move forward in his own behalf. It might just be a time thing, or a refusal to work at it at all. A counselor can also help you to go on and enjoy your life in spite of what is going on and keep him from being able to get between you and your wife. Hopefully, his own meds and docs will help him move forward eventually. I think that counseling for him would be a good thing. They say that people recover much better with both medication and counseling. You have to find the right counselor for them and I have known young people who balked at counseling altogether. Good luck. Sounds like you both have a quite a journey ahead. I've had two people in my extended family that used anger and yelling as a weapon to back people off. I have no idea how to respond to that. A counselor could tell you how to deal with that kind of action.

[cschin4]

I will attest that I went through an episode of depression in my life as well. To the point where I was truly afraid that I was going to lose my job and destroy my whole life. So, I know someone what of how he may be feeling.
First, what was the nature of his depression? Was he doing well in school and then some life event happened and sent him in a tailspin or is he chronically depressed? In any case, being at home and unemployed is far worse for this problem than it would be if he were out working and engaged. At this point, he should take ANY job that is willing to hire him and go to work and do a good job. Not only will that provide some income but will also increase his self esteem and hopefully point him in some direction toward a career.
As for college, of course you want him to go college but it sounds like he has already dropped out. Not that he can't go back, but he really has to want to and should have to earn it at this point as well.

[maat55]

Tell him 3 months to this very day, his posessions will be on the front porch to pick up and mean it. Give him nothing but basic necessities for survival while still in your home. Have a calender Xing out the days for him to see.

Tell him he can find a cheap place to live and get an education of some sort to provide for his future and let him go.

[rennigade]

Sounds like your son takes everything for granted and doesn't appreciate life. You really need to throw him out. Like some people mentioned, find a cheap apartment, pay the first 3 months rent, and tell him to fend for himself. When he runs out of money and isn't allowed to move back home, reality will finally set in. He'll find a way to survive, trust me.

You can only do so much as a parent. You can do 99% of everything right for your child. Unforunately there's that 1% the kid must do. I've seen kids who come from good homes and who I know their parents did everything to prep them for life, and they still came out F ups.

There isn't much more you can do for your son. He needs to help himself now.

Yet another reason why the "SAW" movies were so good. These people took life for granted until they were faced with their own lives. Jigsaw was such a lovable character. You loved to hate him because he was right. Sounds like your son could learn a lot from him.

[feh]

I think my approach in such a situation would be:

1. Find a family counselor that all 3 of you could meet with. Have them help you work through these issues.
2. Set a date for him to move out. Your wife needs to be on board, and you need to be prepared to remove him if he won't go willingly. Be prepared to change locks, have a police officer present, etc.

Some people won't take responsibility for their lives until they're forced to.

[PrincessPerky]

Sounds like he is still depressed among other emotional problems..I would suggest new therapy..and when the therapist says the boy is ready, tough love.

get your wife on board, with therapy for her if needed.

[brig2221]

Nothing is going to work if you and your spouse do not agree on it.

I would totally agree with this post. Although your son may be depressed, he probably is not stupid, and can see his Mother as an enabler and divider between you and your wife. He will most likely continue to exploit this divide to his benefit, knowing that no matter how mad you get or what you say, that Mom will come to the rescue. That has to stop.

My guess is that you are going to have to do some major compromising on your own in order to get your wife on the same page with you. That said, once the both of you are truly on the same page and will support one another, the task of outlining a plan to your son will be much easier.

[eisor]

I have to agree that you and your spouse need to sit down and talk and agree on the situation.

I'm only 21 and I always knew when my parents didn't agree on something. It's very easy to use that to your advantage as a kid.

Also, I read a lot of responses saying that he needs to go back to school. College isn't for everyone. Maybe a technical school would be more his thing. You said something about the internet. Is he interested in the internet? There are a lot of diploma and degree programs at technical schools that relate to web design, internet security, e-commerce, etc. Maybe this is more his thing than a college degree.

Lastly, until he is given some responsibility, he isn't going to change. You need to cut him off financially. I lived at home until I got married. We were responsible for our own bills. Cell phone, automobile, etc. We paid all our entertainment expenses & for all our clothes. The only thing we weren't paying for was rent & some food expenses (dining out we had to pay for).

[antiver]

I wouldn't be afraid to kick him out on his butt. A college student recently took a year off to essentially become homeless on his own free will. He left behind his education, family, credit cards, home, everything. His goal was to have a steady job, a place to live, a car, and some savings after a year. He had achieved all this in under ~9 months (I believe), without even utilizing his education, but had to end the experiment early due to a family crisis back at home.

The goal was to simply learn from the experience, and write about it at the end. He was confident that anyone could achieve the same things he did. Google it, maybe it'll give you (and him) some more confidence.

[Exile]

Have you considered changing the locks?

[Scanner]

Hmmm.

That's a tough one.

I totally agree with the analysis that as a culture. . .we don't foster a tight-knit family as say in China, where a family will live in the same house for generations, never to strike out on their own.

So, I don't think it's right to make you as parents feel like freaks or him feel like a freak for staying at home. That's a totally forced cultural norm.

That being said, what worries me more than your son living at home, is the non-productive lifestyle he is leading. He sounds sedentary and unambitious.

It would be one thing if he was using your pad to crash at night (or early morning) and had a "life" but I don't know. . .the net. . .it can be addictive.

Very little good comes of the net and I say that being a regular contributor to savingadvice.com and knowing this is low the scale of productive activities I should be doing

Unfortunately, parents have very little influence at his age. . .he will need a peer to probably intervene and not his father. If you could subtely direct him to a positive peer. . .that person has the most chance of helping him I would say.

I had two good peers in my teenage years - one who influenced me to be self-employed and another who influenced me to get off my fat ass and become so athletic, I made beach lifeguard within 2 years.

I really don't think my father or mother would have or could have done it.

Peers are more important to development from about age 15 to 23ish.

[Scanner]

PS: as a father, I do think it's better to criticize his peers rather than him and it sounds like that's what you are doing.

I have no problem telling my 11 year old son that his friend Joe is a knothead and you could let your opinion known in that regard (let's face it - a lot of guy-friends you have when you are younger were/are knotheads).

But try to stay away from criticizing/nagging him.

That obviously isn't working.

[ithaca]

I've asked, told and threatened to throw him out but he just ignores my requests. I've asked him numerous times to help with the bills and pay a monthly room and board charge but he just refuses.

This is the first problem. You're telling him to do something, he's choosing not to do it, but then there aren't any consequences. This just leads to a lot of disrespect and confusion about the rules. If you really want him to help out with the bills, tell him to pay xxx amount by xxx date or else xxx. When he doesn't pay, follow through with the consequences.

[maat55]

The reason my kids did what they were told and grew up responciable is because they knew I would not let them do otherwise. They love me just fine.

Your kids should in this order: Fear you, respect you and if they choose, love you last. Your first responsibility as a parent is to raise productive, honest human beings, not spoiled brats.

Many parents love their children the wrong way. Not preparing them for adulthood is the worse thing you can do. Same goes for parents who let their children become fat and lazy.

If you really want to help this child, treat him like a total stranger and expect from him what you would from anyone else. He wouldn'y last two minutes in my house.

[Seeker]

The reason my kids did what they were told and grew up responciable is because they knew I would not let them do otherwise. They love me just fine.

Your kids should in this order: Fear you, respect you and if they choose, love you last. Your first responsibility as a parent is to raise productive, honest human beings, not spoiled brats.

Many parents love their children the wrong way. Not preparing them for adulthood is the worse thing you can do. Same goes for parents who let their children become fat and lazy.

If you really want to help this child, treat him like a total stranger and expect from him what you would from anyone else. He wouldn'y last two minutes in my house.

Wow Maat. I find myself massively disagreeing with the 2nd paragraph here, especially the word "fear." No child should feel afraid of either parent. Respect comes before love, yes. The other paragraphs and words are fine... and agreeable. Maybe "fear" is the wrong word?

How can anyone "respect" someone they fear? How can there be "love" when there's "fear?" And do you "fear" stangers automatically before any other feeling?

Ultimately, there's no "trust" with strangers until that person has earned the trust -- but people are given the benefit of the doubt until they've directly proven otherwise. Should a son or daughter be given any less? Should "fear" really be part of the equation?