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How long would you wait for for your friend to keep a personal appointment?
Here's the deal. I work very part time from home, so I have a very flexible schedule. I have a friend of about one year's history who is very emotionally needy. But she will ask to come visit and then shortly before the appointed time will call to say she'll be late and give me a new time _after_ which she expects she can arrive. Then she might not even arrive in that hour, but sometime after the next. Obviously, I need to pin her down to the time at which she WILL arrive, not some vague time after which....
I suspect my friend uses her lateness unconsciously to test whether I really care about her enough to put up with and forgive her. Actually I will give people a lot of leeway, but I don't want to re-inforce some dysfunctional habit of abusing friends this way. And she has told me she keeps her other friends hangin like this, too.
She saps my energy without even getting here. I do not like that this person has already eaten up parts of a couple hours of my own mental energy just in anticipating her arrival today. When I once told her that it is a problem to me that she doesn't show when she says she would, She was then able to keep her appointments with me, but today I seem to be back to the big wait.
I have just left a message on her phone asking her not to come, that I have waited too long, explaining that she has already occupied too much of my day without even being here. Yes, it was kind of a long message.
But maybe she won't get the message: Either she is still out on her waylaying errand, or on her way here.
But out of curiosity, how long would you wait for a friend to get to your house for a visit on a day when you basically had no schedule and were just going to shoot the breeze, either with friend or without? I've just been doing housework while waiting, but had I known I would have this time, I would have been out gardening and I would have phoned another friend who needs a long conversation.
I remember back in college, the question was asked of one of my mostly freshman classes as to how long they would wait for an appointment with a professional before they would get up and leave. A huge number said with some statement of self-worth and indignation that they would leave before a 15 minute wait. I was stunned. I did not know there even was such a thing as a shorter wait than that to see a doctor, beautician, dentist, lawyer, etc. If I can fit it into my schedule, I will wait. I figure the people they were dealing with before me need a little extra time, and I'd like the favor to be returned to me should I need extra time in the future. Why get in a huff, if I have time available on the other end of my schedule to wait a little on the front end?.... Now FRIENDS get even more leeway (though this is the only one who seems to need it chronically instead of once in a great while.)
So what do you think? Are you a waiter or a walker?
Here's the deal. I work very part time from home, so I have a very flexible schedule. I have a friend of about one year's history who is very emotionally needy. But she will ask to come visit and then shortly before the appointed time will call to say she'll be late and give me a new time _after_ which she expects she can arrive. Then she might not even arrive in that hour, but sometime after the next. Obviously, I need to pin her down to the time at which she WILL arrive, not some vague time after which....
I suspect my friend uses her lateness unconsciously to test whether I really care about her enough to put up with and forgive her. Actually I will give people a lot of leeway, but I don't want to re-inforce some dysfunctional habit of abusing friends this way. And she has told me she keeps her other friends hangin like this, too.
She saps my energy without even getting here. I do not like that this person has already eaten up parts of a couple hours of my own mental energy just in anticipating her arrival today. When I once told her that it is a problem to me that she doesn't show when she says she would, She was then able to keep her appointments with me, but today I seem to be back to the big wait.
I have just left a message on her phone asking her not to come, that I have waited too long, explaining that she has already occupied too much of my day without even being here. Yes, it was kind of a long message.
But maybe she won't get the message: Either she is still out on her waylaying errand, or on her way here.But out of curiosity, how long would you wait for a friend to get to your house for a visit on a day when you basically had no schedule and were just going to shoot the breeze, either with friend or without? I've just been doing housework while waiting, but had I known I would have this time, I would have been out gardening and I would have phoned another friend who needs a long conversation.
I remember back in college, the question was asked of one of my mostly freshman classes as to how long they would wait for an appointment with a professional before they would get up and leave. A huge number said with some statement of self-worth and indignation that they would leave before a 15 minute wait. I was stunned. I did not know there even was such a thing as a shorter wait than that to see a doctor, beautician, dentist, lawyer, etc. If I can fit it into my schedule, I will wait. I figure the people they were dealing with before me need a little extra time, and I'd like the favor to be returned to me should I need extra time in the future. Why get in a huff, if I have time available on the other end of my schedule to wait a little on the front end?.... Now FRIENDS get even more leeway (though this is the only one who seems to need it chronically instead of once in a great while.)
So what do you think? Are you a waiter or a walker?
Girl, you missed it, you could've gone with me to _______! Luv Ya, Joan of the Arch, who only martyrs herself to worthy causes, not consistently late friends! "
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