New here-How to rein in a spendthrift spouse

[looking2improve]

Hi everyone,

I am a recovering spendthrift. Having been raised by financially irresponsible parents, I gleefully followed in their footsteps in my early 20's by racking up thousands of dollars in debt in the attempt to keep up with the Jones's (and the Smiths, and the Browns).

After graduating college and meeting people who appear to be poor (but actually have very rich balance sheets) I am trying to change my ways. I have resolved to curb my discretionary spending, eliminate my debt and start increasing (instead of decreasing) my savings.

Two questions:

1. My spouse. He has never been financially responsible. I always thought this was ok, and that as long as I was, we would be alright. However, in my new quest to become debt-free and more conservative, I am completely annoyed in his lack of interest in doing the same. I gave him a budget and asked if he could try to follow it last month, and he has not only not followed, but gone way over already!!!

How to get him to come around without losing my mind?

2. I bought a new car last year (I know, I know.) Not exactly new, it was 1 year used, previous rental car, a friend who owns a dealership sold it to me at $1000 over cost. Didn't put any $$ down, and got a good interest rate. After putting 22k miles on it in my first year of ownership, I could still sell it for more than I owe. I have thought about selling it and buying a less expensive (but still reliable) car. This would lower my monthly payment by about $200 (Effectively saving me $8000 in payments over 5 years). I would still have to finance, however and interest rates are higher. Should I just keep my car that only has 36k miles on it and a 60k mile warranty since I already own the car and am comfortable with it? Either way I will have a payment for the next 5 years. If I buy the older car with more miles, I feel that I would worry more about maintenance costs than with my current car.

So, do I: Sell my 2 year new car with 36k miles and warranty and buy a 3-4 year old car with +/- 60k miles and no warranty? Or just stick it out and resolve to not buy another car until the wheels fall off?

Thanks in advance for any advice. This is a great resource.

[nanamom]

I think whether you change cars depends on how much you use it. Ours is just for pleasure (my DH walks to work) but we keep a newer model because we travel several thousand miles to see grandkids a couple times a year. As to reining in your spouse, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. If you both have jobs you could ask him to look at a budget where he takes responcibility for certain things and so do you and the rest is discretionary and you get to save yours. But you can't change other people. Maybe he would be interested in some seminars or books that would make him think of the big future picture.

[PRICEPLUS]

I have a spouse who has been a spendthrift and cost us tens of thousands of dollars. You need to be patient and firm and explain what you are trying to do. I wish you luck because it caused me unspeakable grief.

[boomeyers]

I am the more spendthrift spouse, although my going wild spending is probably unlike anyone elses. (Crazy spending $20 in a garage sale crazy!) I buy the things DH says he is too cheap to buy, but that we need. All you can do with your spouse is lead by example and be excited about it.
If you really want to make tracks in your debt payoff, make yourself uncomfortable and step outside the box and get a cheaper vehicle. It just depends on YOU and how much you want to change!
Good luck!

[sweeps]

A few things you may want to try:

- Come up with 1 or 2 short term goals and 1 or 2 long term goals with your spouse. For example a short term goal might be to save $5000 for a trip to Hawaii this winter. A long term goal might be to pay off the mortgage when you're 45 years old instead of 55. Brainstorm with your spouse to see what it takes to accomplish these goals and keep tabs on your progress. Maybe tap into your spouse's competitive nature and see if he can not just meet the goal but beat it.

- Consider segmenting your accounts so you have 1 account for common bills (mortgage, utilities, car payment, etc.), and 1 account each for you and your spouse's personal spending. Your spouse is free to spend his account however he pleases without asking you first (and vice versa). Also in your common account direct as much as you can directly to savings as soon as you get paid. If the money's not readily available in your checking account it makes it harder to spend.

[autoxer]

1. How to get him to come around without losing my mind?

Look at it from his point of view, you are putting limits & restrictions where there weren't any. You can't force a budget on him... you need to get him onboard with your plan. Get him to think about goals for the future. Draw up a net worth statement, to show him where you currently stand.

2. So, do I: Sell my 2 year new car with 36k miles and warranty and buy a 3-4 year old car with +/- 60k miles and no warranty? Or just stick it out and resolve to not buy another car until the wheels fall off?

I sold my newish car to get rid of all my debt, but I choose a 'really' cheap car. I had a 2004 Subaru (turbocharged ), with two more years of payments left, but I decided to downsize. I bought a 1994 Nissan for $1750, with only 78k miles on it. I have spent around $600 on maintenance in the past two years, but I've saved money everywhere else. Cheaper insurance, better on gas, hardly any depreciation & no car payments. But it took lots of research & a little luck to find a 'really' cheap but reliable car.

It wasn't easy for me to do, because I am a real car nut, but I'm trying to focus on the bigger picture, which is me buying a house w/ a garage. I know there is another sports car in my future, but I'm going to buy it without financing.

In your case, I don't think going from a 2 year old car to a 3-4 year old car will have much of an impact, unless your current car is worth a lot more than it's replacement. Whatever you decide to do, take good care of your car & it will last a lot longer.

[thekid]

May I ask what is your current car, balance on it and interest on balance?

[PrincessPerky]

Others smarter than I have responded to the car, I only have one small comment on the spouse...it took you this long to wake up and you want to yank him with you overnight?

Aint gonna happen...if he over spends the income, you need to address that with him, once he has agreed not to go further into debt (this prolly wont happen overnight, or even in a month), then you can slowly (we are talking years here) work on reducing his expenses to join you on reducing debt. (go right ahead and reduce yours or any household he wont notice as fast as you please)

Slow and steady wins them over to your side.

One thing my husband and I mention every once in awhile is the whole myrter syndrome doesn't work "I slave over XYZ frugal thing and you spend it all on cokes!" it is what we want to say, but it doesn't work..

Instead notice any accomplishment, no matter how small, and cheer them on, thanking them and admmitting it can't be that easy......cause it isn't.

Nevermind that they are happy over not buying a coke for one day and you havn't had pop in months, the point is they made an effort.

And unless you have an amazing man make sure they always have a source of income you don't touch. allowence, or side job, or ebayins stuff whatever so they can say they wasted cash ... or that they had some of their own and didn't waste it, whatever, try not to treat spouses like children all the time (or at least cultivate the illusion of adulthood in them .)

[getforfree]

My dh is not really frugal either. He likes to spend $$ on his toys. He has a few guns, and goes on a shooting range, and constantly buys bullets, and drives a lot to the places which are not really necessary to go to. Like he might go to his friends house who lives like 30 miles away, just to hang out together and watch a movie, or he would go to a shooting range which is like 50 miles away. I never take him grocery shopping anymore, because he would buy lots of stuff which is not on sale and ready-to eat, because he feels like eating it now.

That makes me really mad sometimes, because I take my time and efforts to look for all those freebies,sales, and clip coupons, hang the laundry and grow a garden and other things, and he would just spend all that within minutes. He says that he makes more than I do, yes, but I work only pt, to be able to do all the housework and watch the kids, and work nights so I don't have to spend half or more of my paycheck on a babysitter. I wish I could change him.

Just because we have money left over every month, doesn't mean you have to spend it.

[looking2improve]

"Others smarter than I have responded to the car, I only have one small comment on the spouse...it took you this long to wake up and you want to yank him with you overnight?"

My waking-up point stems from a decrease in income over the last 6 months. I have always made more money than him, so it was never really an issue to me that he spent more than he had. I am not trying to CHANGE him, because I have been on this planet long enough to realize that will not happen.

However, I have realized that what is going good can go bad REALLY fast, and I am just trying to prevent a disaster in the future. Not trying to do it overnight, I'm really just looking for a starting point.

I am just looking for advice from others who are/have been in the same situation. He realizes that my intentions are not to restrict him, but rather to protect him from his own bad habits.

[Ima saver]

My first husband was a spendthrift, I just had to take control of all the money. I gave him a daily allowance and told him that is all he could have. He liked to play poker and go to the dog track and that was always a problem with us. (I remarried another guy who lets me handle all the money and now I am happy)

[PrincessPerky]

However, I have realized that what is going good can go bad REALLY fast, and I am just trying to prevent a disaster in the future. Not trying to do it overnight, I'm really just looking for a starting point.

I didn't mean to sound rude. Sorry

[kateochang]

Action speak louder than words

Hi there,

This is my honest opinion.

1. I think the best way on how to educate your spouse is by showing him how serious you are in saving money and spending according to budget. What I mean is you yourself set a good example for him to follow. Then slowly, you give the wise words to him. Educating people is definitely not an overnight job. It may take some time but I believe your spouse will soon realize this and will follow suit. Action speaks louder than words

2. Just stick to your current car. I think that is a better deal rather than buying an older car with no warranty which will cost you even more later on. I truly agree that it depends on how do you use car, because that will actually determine the flow of your spending, not by changing from one car to another..

[Staceyy]

My dh spends way too much on small things that add up like cigarettes, soft drinks and coffee. He is a long distance truck driver so I am not usually with him to monitor these things. I am giving him a small notebook and asking him to write down everything he spends for a month. I'll remind him each day when I talk to him. At the end of the month I will add up all of these purchases and extend them to show how much he is blowing a year.

I use a lot of coupons and he is now picking up the habit to use coupons for cigarettes and restaurants. He will now sometimes take 2 liter bottles of soda with him on the road, but not too often. I drink water whenever we go to restaurants, but he refuses to. He also refuses to take a thermos with him for his coffee. I see him spending more and more on these addictions and it is bugging the heck out of me!

[Ima saver]

I think you should just keep the car you have. I would just try and set an example for your dh to show him that you are serious about this.