Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

[bjl584]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

I tried doing this once, but it didn't have good results. Like most people in debt, my friend thought that he had everything under control and that he could handle it. I tried to stress the importance of having a budget, using credit cards sparingly, and saving. He didn't want to hear it. Today he has a financial nightmare on his hands.

[FrugalIII]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

I've tried it with my wife on a number of occasions. I'm a big saver and she's totally uninterested in money issues. That's one reason we keep our finances separate and contribute equally to the "family expenses". Otherwise, we'd both be broke. From time to time she gets the notion that she wants to be more of a saver but it doesn't last long. I'm going through it with her now. She just got a big raise in salary, but still cries "broke". She has no money management skills whatsoever. I'm at my witts end. I've encouraged her to read various books, become more involved in knowing about our personal finances, she just doesn't care. She's one who lives for today and she'll "get by somehow" tomorrow. I do all the savings for the family and she has no clue how much in saved/invested. She just doesn't care.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

No way, Jose. I do not think living within one's means is simply a matter of knowlege, so I cannot just give a list to someone and expect it to be done. I'd expect a surprise intervention to be met with anger, embarrassment, and resentment.

[fairy74]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

No way, Jose. I do not think living within one's means is simply a matter of knowlege, so I cannot just give a list to someone and expect it to be done. I'd expect a surprise intervention to be met with anger, embarrassment, and resentment.

I agree, that's why I liked LuxLiving's suggestion...

[scfr]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

Thanks everyone. I think I will write a letter offering my help and then let her make the next move (if any); I may include a book with the note that she can use it or pass it on if she's not interested in it (tho' I am a bit concerned it may have the same results as giving an overweight person a Weight Watchers cookbook).

And pearliq's advice about paying the vendor directly (instead of to the financially irresponsible person) is very good and that is what we in fact did. Because I wasn't able to pay by phone to the veterinary clinic, my dear husband (bless his heart) drove 50 miles round trip to make the payment.

[trillium]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

Saw alot of friends and siblings mentioned...but how would you handle this situation when it is your mother?

We've been alienated for quite a few years. When I got the current job I have and after my grandmother (her mother) passed, not a week goes by that she doesn't not call me and skirt around asking me to buy a "luxury" ... her cd player died, her TV died, a vcr is on the fritz.

Is there some unwritten rule that because I'm her blood (understand this woman didn't raise me, my grandmother did) that I have to feel obligated to take care of her wants and needs?

She seems to think so, but for some reason I feel no remorse about denying her what she asks for.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

Trillium, you are probably doing the right thing. Something that I did that made someone stop bugging me for $$$ was to give a loan and then REMIND shortly afterward for it to be paid back. I had no idea that was going to stop her asking, but it did. Previous to that I had given her cash gifts and smalll loans, some of which I forgave, some of which were so small that she was able to quickly repay. But after giving the big loan and asking for repayment--well she has repayed some, and has not asked for any more. Previous to the big loan she would ask for a little one very frequently. I like having the break from her requests, even at the cost of the loss most of that loan. I'm sure it is no bigger a loss than I wouldn have forgiven on multiple smaller ones anyway....So maybe you could tell your mother you will loan her money instead? Having your own mother try to exploit you must be maddening.

[Broken Arrow]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

Is there some unwritten rule that because I'm her blood (understand this woman didn't raise me, my grandmother did) that I have to feel obligated to take care of her wants and needs?

She seems to think so, but for some reason I feel no remorse about denying her what she asks for.

I'm tempted to say no, but it really depends on your cultural background. If you're Asian, for example, I suspect filial piety would carry a much heavier clout than it would be for Westerners.

Still, your mother is an adult, and so are you. If you refuse (and personally, I would too), then it's your right to do so. Especially for stuff that she doesn't really need....

[Elgin526]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

Saw alot of friends and siblings mentioned...but how would you handle this situation when it is your mother?

We've been alienated for quite a few years. When I got the current job I have and after my grandmother (her mother) passed, not a week goes by that she doesn't not call me and skirt around asking me to buy a "luxury" ... her cd player died, her TV died, a vcr is on the fritz.

Is there some unwritten rule that because I'm her blood (understand this woman didn't raise me, my grandmother did) that I have to feel obligated to take care of her wants and needs?

She seems to think so, but for some reason I feel no remorse about denying her what she asks for.

And you shouldn't! Help out a parent when they are down on their luck by no fault of their own, sure, and I'd look down upon a person that didn't help in that instance. But for a parent that just foolishly wastes money, refuses to work, etc. then I say the kids have no obligation to help. You are free and clear, as far as I'm concerned!

[QueenOphelia]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

... and let me ask the question another way ... If you were ever at a point in your life where you could have used a "personal finance intervention," what would have been most helpful for you? What could the person doing the intervening have done to improve the odds of success?

Great topic.

I used to be a spendthrift. eBay was my best friend. At the time I was making well over six figures but not saving nearly what I should have been. (about 10% of my salary).

My family would make little comments about the stuff I would buy or the money I would p*ss away in Vegas but they knew I could afford it. My day of reckoning came when I learned I would lose my job due to downsizing. I was given a years notice and a very generous severance package but I wouldn't have my cushy job any longer. I had around 50k in savings and around 200k in 401k so i was in good shape with savings. It was CC debt that was out of control.

So...my very concerned Mom asked how I was financially and I lied. I had around 15k in credit card debt that I needed to clear out. I refinanced my coop and paid off the CC debt. My car loan was paid off after I received my final severance pay-out.

I found a job fairly quickly (two months) at the same salary but absolutley hated it. I lasted 10 months and left to enjoy my second summer off in a row. In fall 2005 i found another job after 3 months at around 2/3 of what I was making and loved it. I learned to live within my salary. No more eBay. No more Vegas jaunts. I felt reborn...it was beautiful.

The end of the story is I was headhunted last fall into my dream job. I have been working for almost 4 months at one of the major broadcast tv networks. Great bennys and probably the most secure a job can be in the year 2007.

The whole downsizing thing was a blessing in disguise. I was able to pad my savings to a really comfortable amount but more importantly I got out of debt and learned how to survive on less money. And....I save more now than I did when I was making more money.

[scfr]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

Trillium - ouch, I can almost feel your pain even tho' I can't really know what it must feel like to keep telling your own mother no. At least my sister was asking for something I could wrap my brain around (putting a suffering animal out of it's misery) and not an unnecessary trinket.

It's sounds like your grandma was probably giving your mom money anytime she asked for it (enabling her, as Dr. Phil would say).

I have no advice to offer except to say that you absolutely have no obligation to give your mother money for the kinds of things she is asking for.

I will let you know if I get any response from my sister to the letter I will send her.

[Gruntina]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

There is a saying " The teacher shows up when the student is ready" I happen to find that is true often.

[Snoopy2645]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

Thats a great saying the only people I have ever helped are ones who wanted to be helped. And thats really only my mom & one friend my mom was single for the first time in her life & no job & I got her into rebates & coupons & stuff. And I have a friend who is very tight anyways & is on welfare so I showed her how to coupon & do rebates & she is saving a ton of money & very thankful for it.

But I have tried to help others who had no interest in being helped so it didnt work.

[lrjohnson]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

I do not think living within one's means is simply a matter of knowlege, so I cannot just give a list to someone and expect it to be done. I'd expect a surprise intervention to be met with anger, embarrassment, and resentment.

I think your intention is good, scfr. But I agree this is a really tricky area. Many people drink too much, have debt, weight too much, smoke, etc. even though most of us know the basics of eating right, not spending what we don't have, etc. (We may not be savvy on the details, but we aren't oblivious.) We have other reasons we are continuing to have problems. She may welcome to tools, but she may be completely in denial. Be prepared.

[LuxLiving]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

Let us know how this works out scfr!

Here's another relevent book that is just now coming out:
Women & Money by Suze Orman

http://www.amazon.com/Women-Money-Owning-Control-Destiny/dp/0385519311/sr=1-1/qid=1172334565/ref=sr_1_1/102-7054285-4267340?ie=UTF8&s=books

*thanks to rduell for letting us know about it over on her blog!