Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

[scfr]

Have any of you ever done a "personal finance intervention" with a friend or family member? By "intervention" I mean sitting down with a person you love, explaining that you are very concerned about how they are handling their finances and what this means to their future, and then offering to work with them to help them get their finances on track and teach them some of what you have learned about managing money and planning for the future?

If you have done this yourself, was the person eventually receptive to receiving your help? What advice can you offer about the initial discussion? Should it be done face to face, by phone, or by letter (so the person can have some time to process it before responding)?

And if you've worked with someone to help them learn to manage their own finances, what advice can you offer on how to do this?

I know that it is usually better to wait for someone to ask for help, but I also know that there are times when you can't just sit by and you need to step in and offer help (and hope it will be taken).

Here's the background story behind this question: My45yo sister called me one week ago today. Her cat was very sick and she needed to have it put to sleep, but did not have the $65 to pay to do that. She asked if she could borrow the money from me. Of course I "loaned" her the money, and frankly it was as much for the cat's sake as for hers. [My sister is a bit crafty. She knows I am not one to loan out money usually, but she also knows I have a very soft spot when it comes to animals. I'm sure she chose me as the person to ask for this loan for that very reason.] My sister works in a low-paying industry and so she does not make a lot of money and does not live a lavish lifestyle. However, I do know that there are many instances where she could save when she does not. [She goes out to eat, goes to movies, goes on vacations, buys some expensive foods, and buys lottery tickets.] I have spoken to her on very general terms about how I am concerned that she is not planning for the future. She has told me not to worry, that she is fine, because she knows how to live on very little when she needs to and has friends she can turn to for help. Well ... gosh darnit ... if you can't afford to pay $65 to put your feline companion out of it's misery, you are NOT fine when it comes to managing your finances.

Because I care about her, I am willing to put in the time and energy to be her "personal finance coach." Therefore, I'm looking for suggestions from anyone who has successfully done a "personal finance intervention." I know she is likely to refuse my help and may resent or even hate me, but I don't feel I can stand by and watch her jeopardize her future any longer. [The combination of her asking me for a loan and my plan to relocate out of the area are what is spurring me to do this now.] Please, constructive suggestions only! No need to pile on criticisms of how my sister is mishandling her finances; I am already aware of that!

Thanks guys!

[scfr]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

... and let me ask the question another way ... If you were ever at a point in your life where you could have used a "personal finance intervention," what would have been most helpful for you? What could the person doing the intervening have done to improve the odds of success?

[JanH]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

Once I had a friend that I helped move and set up in a new apartment. I knew she was having troubles keeping track of money and bills and school and stuff. I'm not sure how the topic got started, but I gently asked her if she wanted me to help her organize her bills and we found a way to organize. I am not sure if we set up a budget, but we talked about what was facing her. I didn't follow up because I didn't know how receptive she was, and I don't really think she stuck to it. I know that I worried about her. I have a hard time, also, with being firm with the kids on their money stuff.
I guess with the friend, I waited for an opening that she participated in. The kids, I am a softie with and I'm trying to be firmer with and this summer, I'm going to get DD to set up a budget and organize. She is good about paying her bills, she just doesn't add them up and see what all is going on.

[Scanner]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

The way interventions work is by "ganging" up on the person and getting all their loved ones there - the closer the better.

A sister is probably going to be very provocative (sibling rivalry) - kids work the best.

If she has kids and they say, "Mom, I'm worried I'm going to have to support you someday. I don't feel like I can enjoy life with your debt hanging over you."

Wow.

Now that's powerful.

To a certain extent though, you have to accept that some people just aren't "money centered." We, as a group here, care enough about it to participate here. But still, you should get a person to where they are adequately taking care of themself - even if they aren't going to make 1 million.

Show how her actions affect the ones around her.

Good luck.

[scfr]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

Thanks for the input so far. Unfortunately (or maybe I should say fortunately!) my sister has no children and she is single.

[fairy74]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

Be very careful before trying this. Since you have approached your sister in a gentle way with your concern and she brushed you off, she may be very hostile to an out and out confrontation. Be aware before you try any kind of intervention the misfires, if it doesn't work, can include losing your relationship with that person. I completely understand your concern and I think that you are a caring sister, but interventions are very, very tricky and not always successful. Does she have a pastor or other person who has some authority who could approach her, I agree with Scanner that siblings trying an intervention may come across differently than kids, friends, pastor, etc...Could you find a debt management seminar and tell her you are interested in attending and see if she would go with you?

[PetMom]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

It might be hard to give a financial intervention if the person did not ask for any money. An opportune time may be as you are writing out the check and handing it over to suggest something about finances (although in this situation she is certainly concerned over her cat).

CCCS may still do just budget counseling for very low to no cost for a person (you can check your local chapter).

I do know if a person is stressed over finances that to suggest something can backfire, but if you are in the act of helping out and suggest something during the time they have to act more receptive.

Finances can be such a touchy subject.

[Broken Arrow]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

A friend of mine once hit a rough spot, and I decided to take him in literally, gave him free room and board, free utilities, helped manage his personal finances, helped him to buy a new used car to drive, and even got him a job where I worked because I was a supervisor at the time.

But after a few months, I think he just got comfortable with where he is, and took things for granted. He stopped saving and started staying out late, partying a lot. That also meant that he was late for work quite a bit. Eventually, the whole thing fell apart when he was caught smoking pot at work.

Idiot.

We're still friends today, but he knows he's fresh out of favors from me. What I learned from that experience is that all the intervention you give someone isn't enough if they don't want to change for themselves.

Is your sister willing to change for herself?

[DebbieL]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

I hate to say this, but it doesn't sound like your sister wants to change. I know how hard it can be to worry about someone you care about, but some people just go through their whole lives being financial train wrecks. Her idea of being "okay" financially sounds very different than your idea of being okay (and most of us on here I think agree with your idea or we wouldn't be on this site). I personally wouldn't be okay with thinking I would be fine because I know how to live on very little and rely on friends????? Who the heck wants to get old doing that? Unfortunately if that's her attitude, I don't think anything you try will succeed. She's 45 years old and unlikely to change at this point.

[pearlieq]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

I wouldn't recommend it.

People change because they want to change and for no other reason. All an "intervention" will bring about is ill will and frustration. She can experience the natural consequences of her actions.

For situations like the cat, you may choose to help, if only for the poor animal's sake. Try to pay directly to the vendor.

[Daylily]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

How about writing her a long letter expressing your concerns. In the letter, tell her it is up to her if she wants to respond to your offer of help and that if you don't hear back from her then you won't bring up the subject again but that you'll always be there if she does decide to change her mind.

[LuxLiving]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

How about along with the cat repair check gifting her a book like "Smart Women Finish Rich" by David Bach? Include a little note that you're worried about her and that although she probably has some great friends that to count on them OR YOU to help her out financially is a real gamble on her part.

Good luck! I have a financially irresponsible sibling myself, so I know - it's tough!

[disneysteve]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

I understand your concern, and I think your intentions are great, but as others have said, people change when they are ready and willing to change. If she comes asking for your help, that's the time to give it. Otherwise, just remind her occasionally of your concern and that you are there for her if she ever wants assistance.

Also, keep in mind that she is part of the majority in this country. More than half of all workers report living paycheck to paycheck. And it isn't just low income workers. Among folks earning over 75K, 34% live paycheck to paycheck. 30% of those earning over 100K do so as well. It also isn't just younger workers. I believe that same study showed 50% of workers ages 61-69 reported living paycheck to paycheck (I'm not positive about that 50% figure as I don't have the study in front of me but the other stats are correct).

[fairy74]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

I really like LuxLiving's idea, that is a very classy and caring way to handle it.

[Ima saver]

Re: Ever done a "personal financial intervention?"

I like her idea too. (Lux) That is a good book and a note asking if she wants your help. I helped my best friend set up a budget way back when she had small kids at home. she did not last a week and still lives paycheck to paycheck. She does not believe that I know what I am talking about.