Physical chemistry - how important is it?

[agatha1939]

This is NOTHING related to finances, but since this is the general forum, I thought I could post it here. Anyway, I have a *personal* question and I hope people who have been in long relationships can help me… how important is physical chemistry between 2 people? I am dating this guy for a while and we get along very well, we have several things in common and I think he is really nice. We haven’t discussed finances yet but it seems it would be the next step because we are getting serious about our relationship… HOWEVER, I feel NO chemistry at all for him, nothing!

I know this may sound very shallow, and maybe it is, but I’m just worried that I will never feel anything for him. I’m not talking about physical beauty; it’s about physical chemistry, the feeling of wanting to be with somebody physically. We do like each other very much and I know he has lots of chemistry with me, but I feel nothing for him, zero . This was never a problem for me before, but for some reason, I just cannot feel anything for him.

I keep telling myself that chemistry is not important, other characteristics are and with time chemistry will happen between us, but how much time should I wait? We are getting serious and I even see a potential marriage in our future, but how can I get married to somebody if I feel nothing about him physically? Isn’t that strange? Please tell me if I’m being stupid, should I just forget about that and settle for the friendship and romantic feelings?

[batman]

I am in a similar situation as you.

I think its very important to have chemistry. I have been dating my current girlfriend for a year and half. At first I had a lot of chemistry with her. I wanted to be with her and see her all the time. We would have fun doing anything. Sex was great too .

For the past few months,I have felt very little chemistry with her. Its sad, I feel like I love her as a person and friend but nothing more. I am in a sticky situation. I know she loves me more than I love her. I just don't know if I should break it off or keep going. We still have great sex and we have chemistry here and there but im just not feeling it.

I know I should break up with her and just have fun cuz im only 21.

If I were you I would ride it out for a little bit longer, it is possible to build chemistry. How long have you been with him? How old are you?

[Broken Arrow]

Um, ok, well this is just my personal opinion.

I think chemistry is very important.

I think what you have there is a very good friend whom you are comfortable with.

I don't know exactly what you mean by chemistry though. Is it because you don't find him interesting? Does he just not make you laugh or something? You feel content but lifeless when you wake up with him in the morning? What is it exactly?

To be fair, I guess this is the part where I should be revealing something about my own past. From my point-of-view, I don't think I had much chemistry with my ex-wife. Now don't get me wrong. We got along great as friends, sex was good, and we used to see things eye-to-eye on almost everything. However, I confess that I did not feel as though there was some kind of... I don't know... something didn't seem right. Like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that wasn't suppose to fit or something.

Now, I don't expect everything to come up roses. Quite the contrary. Nor did I expect things to simply happen. No, I knew a lot of work would be involved. Maybe my standards were too high. Who knows?

But whatever strange, niggling doubts I had in the back of my mind was simply shoved... further back. I was married and that was that.

As fate would have it, she ran off with another guy, so now that I'm divorced, I'm actually re-visiting this notion of "chemistry" again. I haven't made any progress though, but if you ask me what I think, I definitely would NOT marry someone if you have any doubts, no matter how subtle, abstract, or difficult it is to articulate. Really, it's best to be sure before you say, "I Do".

Figure out what is it exactly that's bothering you. Even consider "a break" from one another and see other people. Perhaps being with other people may help you realize what it is that you are lacking, or perhaps help you realize that the one you are currently with really is the right guy for you.

[PrincessPerky]

I think it greatly depends on what you mean and how much faith you have in a person.

because in some ways the amazing gotta have him now chemistry is not there right now with my husband...lets face it a sink full of dirty dishes and toy littered house, not to mention the garbage needs to go out, and....these kinds of things get in the way of the bedroom interest. (not to mention the little one latched on to me for the greater portion of the day.)

BUT the desire to never have to manage life without him? that is there. From the little things to the big I don't want to do it without him. I need my time alone (so does he), but I would be devastated if he were not there.

Now with all that, I have to REALLY trust him...I do, he isn't going to find a night of fun, while I am dealing with the vacuuming...he is helping me or ignoring it right beside me.

so if chemistry in bed is there sometimes, great, but more important is that feeling of a puzzle two pieces that MUST be together..that are really never separated even when one is at work and the other at home.

When in doubt skip the marriage and please skip the having kids...you wont regret not signing your name earlier, but you WILL regret it if you end in divorce.

[Seeker]

Interesting discussion.

From Chemistry - Love, Explained

Q: What’s the biggest mistake people make when it comes to love?
Dr. Fisher: Some people fall in love before they really know their partner and marry in this state of romantic rapture. They should probably wait until that intense early phase wears off so they can see the flaws in the relationship before they dive in for good.

I think over time "chemistry" changes... and while we can be talking a few weeks (lol - along with a woman's monthly cycles) we can also be talking long-term.

While there's no denying that the feeling of great comfort being with your SO is distinctly different from the "chemistry" that you were probably feeling in the beginning, I don't think that comfort should be discounted. Comfort is a positive thing too.

If there's true love, then the chemistry will spark again; and shared interests and doing things together tends to provide that spark. Life tends to move in cycles and energy ebbs and flows; and as long as there's love, interest, and sharing between the two, then there's the partnership that so many people desire.

[Broken Arrow]

Good points above!

I do want to emphasize that I never considered divorce as an option. I still don't. And I was aware that a successful marriage is built largely on hard work.

I think the disconnect I felt when I was married was the fact that, sometimes, we just couldn't compromise on certain issues. It was her way or the highway.

I know I make it sound like it's her fault, which isn't so. We were both at fault. I had my share of problems as well. But therein lies the disconnect. If you ask her, she will tell you it's my fault. If you ask me, I would tell you it's our fault. Hence the disconnect.

Even when she was with another guy, it was never, "Ok, maybe this is wrong. I shouldn't be doing this." It was more like, "BA was such a bad person that I somehow had no choice but to leave him." But do you see the disconnect again? Even if I was a serial killer, how does that explain her running towards this one specific guy? Shouldn't she be in hiding somewhere in a battered women's shelter instead of on some ski slope with this guy?

In the end, I felt like we didn't fit not because I didn't love her or care for her. I did. If I didn't, the divorce process would not have hurt me so much. The disconnect was because I never entirely felt that it was a WE thing, but mostly a HER thing. She only "compromised" on things that she didn't really care about... which wasn't really compromising at all.

Again, I feel really bad making it sound like it was all her fault or something. And again, it wasn't. But that's why it never felt like we were two pieces of a puzzle that fit together. And it's a shame. But it's all in the past now.

[jIM_Ohio]

If you trust the person you can talk and work thru the problems you face.

We have infant twins at home which wake up every 4-6 hours. That can wreak havoc on chemistry. Not to mention the dishes, both spouses working 8-10 hours per day, getting laundry done and making sure we both stay sane.

Maybe you need a vacation? Something to build up intensity in the bedroom and also stimulate your mind.

[agatha1939]

Thanks everybody for your answers.

It seems chemistry has its ups and downs within a marriage, especially after kids, and I understand that. I just worry that now, BEFORE kids, BEFORE even married, when we are on the “just love and fun” part of our relationship I don’t feel any chemistry. If it’s like that now, how will it be after kids and routine?

I don’t know the reason, I like him a lot and we get along very well, better than any other boyfriend I had before. We share many values, we have friendship and we talk about everything. I even introduced the finances subject for our next talk and he agreed, he thinks exactly like me. He looks like the perfect guy for me, and he does feel lots of chemistry (LOL), but me on the other hand… nothing!

I never felt like this before, and it’s not like I’m young and naďve, looking for good looks and these superficial things… I’m 33 already and we are together for a while and since the beginning, I never felt ANY physical chemistry with him. It’s not a health problem with me, I checked that, I think I checked everything and I still don’t know what the problem is.

It sounds so shallow to be worried about this but at the same time, I believe marriage is forever and I don’t want to get married just because I should. I’m so lost… do you think it would be a good idea to discuss this with him? How should approach this subject???

AHHHH, why isn’t life simpler???

[PrincessPerky]

Maybe your next talk should be on fantasies not finance.....

[jIM_Ohio]

Maybe your next talk should be on fantasies not finance.....

That was a clean way of saying what I was thinking.

Agatha- You should go out and buy some lingerie and try to spice things up and see if he finds that spot to make you change your mind.

Make an effort and get creative. If you expect the magic to just appear out of nowhere, then no relationship will ever work.

Marriage has many key aspects to it.

Compromise, discussions, disagreements, passion, compassion and the list goes on and on. Not all of those aspects are considered good. Those same aspects were in my life before I got married to my wife.

[agatha1939]

Maybe your next talk should be on fantasies not finance.....

hehehe, this is so funny... and probably true!

[Coleroo]

Thanks everybody for your answers.

It seems chemistry has its ups and downs within a marriage, especially after kids, and I understand that. I just worry that now, BEFORE kids, BEFORE even married, when we are on the “just love and fun” part of our relationship I don’t feel any chemistry. If it’s like that now, how will it be after kids and routine?

I don’t know the reason, I like him a lot and we get along very well, better than any other boyfriend I had before. We share many values, we have friendship and we talk about everything. I even introduced the finances subject for our next talk and he agreed, he thinks exactly like me. He looks like the perfect guy for me, and he does feel lots of chemistry (LOL), but me on the other hand… nothing!

I never felt like this before, and it’s not like I’m young and naďve, looking for good looks and these superficial things… I’m 33 already and we are together for a while and since the beginning, I never felt ANY physical chemistry with him. It’s not a health problem with me, I checked that, I think I checked everything and I still don’t know what the problem is.

It sounds so shallow to be worried about this but at the same time, I believe marriage is forever and I don’t want to get married just because I should. I’m so lost… do you think it would be a good idea to discuss this with him? How should approach this subject???

AHHHH, why isn’t life simpler???

It depends on what you mean by physical chemistry. Are you looking for the bubbling, tingly, puppy love, adreneline rush? If so, I don't think that's necessary for marriage. It's been shown through studies that our bodies eventually become immune to the hormones that cause that great lovey-dovey feeling anyway.

On the other hand, I never really dated a guy "long term" if I felt no chemistry for him at first. I wasn't shallow (my "character quality" standards were really high)...i just felt like I'd be doing a guy a disservice if I couldn't return his same passion. For me, chemistry was something that if it wasnt there from the beginning it never would develop. So I guess on the other hand, I guess I think chemistry is very necessary for engagement. lol

I would say though that if there are no ties that make you feel physically attracted to a mate, then there's a danger of eventually feeling "trapped", or like you "settled", when the "going gets tough" in the beginnings of a new marriage. Our bodies were made to feel attraction to potential mates. Those feelings do not stop when marriage binds....so having a mate with whom chemistry is strong does help tighten the bonds a bit.

Plus, could you imagine being on the receiving end of it, knowing that your partner doesn't feel attracted to you?

Ahh..Life is never simple. haha

[Well Spent]

It's extremely important. Maybe it fades over decades and gets replaced with a different kind of love. But if you marry without never had chemistry and butterflies, you are robbing yourself. And because life can be cruel, you may find that chemistry with someone else once you've already committed yourself in marriage.

[BlackDiamond]

Hi, chemistry between the two will be good when both try to look good as they can. I have a good chemistry with my love, as I always try to maintain my face looking. I would like to suggest you all to please firstly improve your faces, then there will be a great changes in your relationship.

Cheers!!

Chemistry is not always lustful.
Chemistry is not physical.

To the person who said your next talk should be on fantasies and not finance… that might apply to you but not to the OP or her SO.

Chemistry to me just means being on the same page about things and "just plain 'getting' the other person and feeling like you both can be real when you're with them"

My fiance and I have great chemistry between us but we do not have a very physical relationship. He has medical issues that sometimes leave him very fatigued and I am autistic and don't always like to be touched and don't always understand innuendo. This revelation shocks some people because (and this might sound very arrogant and I don't mean for it to) we are both very physically attractive people who some might stereotype as sexy (he's in a metal band and an artist, I used to do goth modeling). But this situation WORKS for us and we have a very honest, open, loving relationship. We are on the same page about things. We can be sitting in the same room, doing different things and still be happy. THAT is chemistry.

We have had to talk about "boring" real life things such as finances and debt because we have some very unfortunate, and unusual financial problems. And we both have agreed we feel closer after we have those talks because we understand each other more.

Chemistry is feeling right or wrong with another person. Only you can say if you feel right or wrong with this person. If you don't feel right with the person, for whatever reason, tell them honestly and move on.

[wincrasher]

You either have it or you don't. Time won't create it.

If you've never felt it, then just move on.

If you had it and it's faded, then maybe you just need a break to see where your head is at.

On the other hand, lots of people get in very destructive relationships because they need to have that passion or excitement all the time. Once that fades, they either end it or just be miserable. There's alot to be said for simple compatability.

Good luck.