Help with my In Laws debt

**Permanent Temp** · 05-20-2014, 09:41 AM

This seems to be more of a family thing. If it bothers you are probably going to have to discuss with your wife what your issue is with this which will in turn lead the a discussion between herself and her parents.

This could turn into a ticking time bomb if you are harboring resentment about it. I say get it out with the open with her and choose your words carefully say your piece hear her piece. Aside from talking it out with your spouse I don't believe there is much else you can do.

**NY152** · 05-20-2014, 10:12 AM

I might not have been clear in my original post.

I do plan to talk with my wife about the issue. I was hoping to gather some advice as to how to best approach her. This isn't her fault and I don't like the idea of putting her in an uncomfortable situation. I also don't want this to sound like an ultimatum because that's not my intent either. I love her kind heart and want to approach this subject gently. Can anyone suggest how I do that or a way to make my points clear yet kind?

**snafu** · 05-20-2014, 11:12 AM

1st how did your wife feel about having to borrow to pay for parent's past due mortgage? the fact that she refused their 2nd request for funds suggests this parental problem can be resolved between you two without rancor. I suggest asking her how she feels about her parent's inability to manage their money. If she is reluctant to enable their behavior, she will need to put on her 'big girl pants' and with your support and help with the words, tell them she will no longer come up with the sums needed. If they ask for money, the answer will always be no. They don't need to hear a reason or story. They need to understand there will not be any more money from you. If DW needs a backup, it's you. You will be the bad guy in this scenario.

If you feel you can help them get spending under control, you can make the offer. Even if accepted don't get stressed if they are unable to action the plan. Some habits die hard

**Eagle** · 05-20-2014, 02:00 PM

Originally posted by NY152 View Post

My in laws are bad with money. I don't know all the details but they have debt, poor credit scores and I see no action on their part to improve their situation. They are nice people but recently put my wife and I in a tough spot.

Past history - they talked my wife (many years ago before I knew her) into taking out a loan against her car to help them pay off the mortgage (which was a few months past due). They also asked my wife (shortly after we were married) for a few hundred dollars and my wife said No.

But last month my wife got a call that if they didn't pay their power bill by 4pm that day (it was just past lunch) their power would be shut off. Since my wive's youngest brother is still living at home she paid the bill after asking me. I did say Ok when my wife asked me but felt I had no choice. It was irresponsible for them to wait to the last minute to ask and give us no time to talk it over.
I do not want this to be an issue between my wife and I (thankfully its not) and I also don't want to force my wife into a possible (and likely) argument with her parents over this issue. But I fear this is only the tip of the iceberg. We are married 1 year June 9th and I'm hoping to get advice from this forum.

How old is the brother living at home with the in-laws?

Are your in-laws open to discussing finances? Do they want help? Sounds like they're in the same boat they were when they asked your wife to take out a loan on her car to pay their mortgage...

They need to get on a budget and track their expenses. They need an e-fund. They need to spend less than they make. They need to be accountable to somebody for their finances. I don't agree with everything he says but Dave Ramsey has a great debt reduction program. Particularly for people that don't know how to handle money or finances. Check out: http://www.daveramsey.com/new/baby-steps/

I'd say no more helping them if they aren't willing to help themselves. I'd tell them the conditions for helping them next time (starting with the above). If they don't agree to the conditions you simply tell them you cannot help them. Enabling in most situations is not helping.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

As far as talking wife thing goes... Yes, talk to her about how you feel and allow her to express herself. Whatever you decide make the decision together. She is no longer a part of her original family unit. You are her family now. As a married couple your finances come before those of extended family. That's tough but it may be what you guys have to prioritize.

Sorry you're going through this.

**NY152** · 05-20-2014, 02:01 PM

Snafu,
At the time she took a loan against her car she didn't know any better and didn't realize it could be a problem - she was young. Looking back (meaning present day) she is not pleased they talked (tricked) her into such a loan.

I'm sure saying 'no' wasn't easy for her but I was proud she stood up for herself and she actually stood up for US.

My wife doesn't like confrontation. So I know this wont be easy for her and of course there is a chance this creates a problem between her and her parents for the near future or maybe longer. I don't want to be the reason my wife and her parents potentially don't talk to one another. And the recent 'loan' I am writing off as a gift that I don't expect to see returned. My only worry is about the potential iceberg that might be under the surface. Do I talk to my wife now or leave it rest and discuss it only if her parents make another request to be lent money from her?

**NY152** · 05-20-2014, 02:28 PM

Originally posted by Eagle View Post

How old is the brother living at home with the in-laws?

He is graduating from high school this year but the plan is for him to live at home his freshman year and commute to local college.

Originally posted by Eagle View Post

Are your in-laws open to discussing finances? Do they want help? Sounds like they're in the same boat they were when they asked your wife to take out a loan on her car to pay their mortgage...

I never asked but based on their history and lack of lifestyle changes my guess is that they wouldn't be open to hearing me out on a topic of finance.

Originally posted by Eagle View Post

They need to get on a budget and track their expenses. They need an e-fund. They need to spend less than they make. They need to be accountable to somebody for their finances. I don't agree with everything he says but Dave Ramsey has a great debt reduction program. Check out: .daveramsey /baby-steps

I'd say no more helping them if they aren't willing to help themselves. I'd tell them the conditions for helping them next time (starting with the above). If they don't agree to the conditions you simply tell them you cannot help them. Enabling in most situations is not helping.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

As far as talking wife thing goes... Yes, talk to her about how you feel and allow her to express herself. Whatever you decide make the decision together. She is no longer a part of her original family unit. You are her family now. As a married couple your finances come before those of extended family. That's tough but it may be what you guys have to prioritize.

Sorry you're going through this.

I agree. They must budget, cut spending and be accountable. But I hate that my wife is stuck in the middle of this. She is the one I care for and the reason I'm trying to learn how I can better talk with her about this.

**bjl584** · 05-20-2014, 04:30 PM

You could take all of the pressure off of your wife by giving your in-laws the impression that you are in control of the finances for your household. Tell your wife that any time that her parents hit her up for money, she is to say "You will have to ask my husband. He controls the finances." It doesn't have to be true. You just need to make your in-laws think that it is. This way you can be the bad guy and tell them no. You can give them reasons A B and C as to why you can't help them if you want to, but you really aren't obligated to tell them anything.

**snafu** · 05-20-2014, 05:16 PM

NY, I suggest you talk to your wife Now, today... about her attributes. She's lovely and has a kind heart. Acknowledge that her parents aren't good money managers but that it's not a good idea to enable their irresponsible behaviour. Ask her to make it clear to parents that there will be no more money rescues. Any new request will not be fulfilled. She needn't give a reason or a story. She will need to remember the answer is NO. She can refer any request to you and your broad shoulders. Being an enabler is not helpful to parents or your wife. Parents shouldn't ask for handouts, they're in the wrong.

**creditcardfree** · 05-20-2014, 06:52 PM

My advice is to talk to your wife about your plans to help, if any, in the future. Make a plan now together, how much you will give, when you will give, if or what you give. Try to think of as many scenarios as you can about what could happen and how you would feel about them. The more you talk about and discuss the better you can both be on the same page and be a united front when the next issue arises.

What if it comes to them getting kicked out of their home, will you let them live with you, fund a place to live? Or do you let them go to a shelter? Try to think of as many scenarios as you can. Be honest with each other and listen to each other's point of view. I also do not recommend putting your finances in jeopardy to help anyone else.

**doingitallwrong** · 05-20-2014, 07:15 PM

I also do not recommend putting your finances in jeopardy to help anyone else.

That was my first thought (having been there, done that, with my husband's parents). How are your finances? If you're struggling, then you simply cannot afford to help them out. (We racked up about $3500 in debt helping out his parents, which we're still paying off.) If you're in good shape financially, have a solid emergency fund, savings, retirement, etc. and have a few thousand dollars to throw away, then just ask your wife how she feels about giving her parents money. She may resent it as much as you do, but doesn't feel it's right to turn them down. You might be able to agree on how much you'll give them with a total limit, or so many dollars per month, and maybe agree to give them money only if they take steps to get their finances in order. (Maybe pay for them to take one of Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University classes, if there's a convenient one.)

**NY152** · 05-20-2014, 08:13 PM

Originally posted by doingitallwrong View Post

That was my first thought (having been there, done that, with my husband's parents). How are your finances? If you're struggling, then you simply cannot afford to help them out.

We are smart with money, done eat out often, don't have fancy cars and have good paying jobs. But we are also not well off (yet) we have just a little more student loan debt to pay off and we are saving to buy a house (we hope to have 50% down but would be okay with anything over 20% and we are just slightly over 20% as of today)

I'm not sure if they know what we make or guess what we make. Or maybe it's because they know what price house we are looking to buy and from this maybe they assume we have excess money to give to them (though that doesn't explain their earlier action of talking her into a loan on her car)

**bjl584** · 05-21-2014, 04:41 AM

Originally posted by NY152 View Post

We are smart with money, done eat out often, don't have fancy cars and have good paying jobs. But we are also not well off (yet) we have just a little more student loan debt to pay off and we are saving to buy a house (we hope to have 50% down but would be okay with anything over 20% and we are just slightly over 20% as of today)

I'm not sure if they know what we make or guess what we make. Or maybe it's because they know what price house we are looking to buy and from this maybe they assume we have excess money to give to them (though that doesn't explain their earlier action of talking her into a loan on her car)

There is your answer to them. You simply can't afford to help them out because you have student loan debt and are trying to save up for a house.

**Eagle** · 05-21-2014, 06:44 AM

Originally posted by NY152 View Post

Do I talk to my wife now or leave it rest and discuss it only if her parents make another request to be lent money from her?

Yes, talk to her now. It's better to have a plan of action next time this topic comes up with the in-laws. And it will come up again.

As has been stated you can tell the in-laws you don't have money to help them as you are paying of your debt (student loans) and saving for a house.

**JoeP** · 05-21-2014, 08:00 AM

They have to come to terms with the fact that advice you and your wife dispense has more value than any money you may give. The challenge is having them properly interpret the word "value" in this context. It is sometimes very hard for some people, especially parents, to admit they have poor judgment. They may actually feel that asking for bailouts is more dignified.

Help with my In Laws debt