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Need advice, Mother in law, wow

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  • #31
    Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

    FFW,

    Your situation just sounds too much like my family.

    Hate to give more advice, but the easiest way to deal with this may be to actually lay it out, spread sheet or type up a list, or whatever. It is harder to argue with "buts" and excuses when it's laid out clearly. Then whatever she says, whatever reasons, it still gets back to that line item sitting there. What does SHE want to do about it, how can YOU help with this problem, but without giving her the options of you footing the bill.

    To the argument she can do what she wants with her money, been there. Again, lay it out if you can, how soon will she be broke and what is she going to do? You have the RIGHT to do what YOU WANT with your money, and you and DH come first. She may not like it, but it is so much harder to rationalize things when they are laid out on paper as cold hard unemotional facts.

    Also, of course, let DH take the lead, and make sure she knows that HE is putting his foot down, not that it's you and somehow she can go behind your back or manipulate him.

    Hope that helps.

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    • #32
      Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

      Yes, it is good to see things down on paper, in black and white. I always need to write things down. Keep us informed on how things are turning out.

      Comment


      • #33
        Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

        You know if she admits that her kid can't do it, she would be admiting to a failure as a parent, not very easy for anyone to do.

        If she admits she is spending faster than making, she is admiting to being a failure with money, admiting that things she has done for so long are wrong.

        That is not easy to do for anyone, the buts are trying to hold oin to things she believes are fundemental to her.....

        Not that that helps her, but it might help you to understnad why she is stonewalling.

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        • #34
          Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

          You know Flash, you might as well be describing my family.

          My brother went to school out of state and my parents paid the bills for him to get a 4 year marine biology degree....then he got married during his last year of school to a woman 7 years older with 2 kids. Couldn't make enough doing marine bio work, so he switched to car mechaniac in dealerships.
          Then they moved to PA, and he went back to law school while working for a Mercedes dealer. Now, he's almost out, but works as a paralegal for a drug lawyer office...
          Well, this whole time, my mom has been sending him and SIL money to help out him and the kids...especially while things were tough. They have 1 kid of their own, plus the other 2. Well, my SIL went with my niece to Mom's house for a vacation and the two of them had a HUGE blowup! Brother had to drive down to pick up the two of them then turn around and come back to PA.
          Now the two of them won't talk because somehow my mom has become the problem, and my brother won't admit that it was his borrowing the money, asking for cosigner, etc. that became the problem. The $$ became the guilt trip...
          In his defense, mom only sent biological Granddaughter a christmas present, ignoring the other 2 kids. Then mom always says it's the SIL's fault, not his! SIL also has the oppourtunity now as niece is in school during the day to get a 2nd job to help the family, but shows no interest. I don't know how stay at home mom's cope when the kids are all in school.
          It's gotten so bad my brother almost won't invite her to his graduation in May, she's clueless, but needs to know, but I can't/won't say anything along those lines, it's his decision. However, I do think it's a touch crass that he was willing to "put up" with her when he needed $ but now that he's doing better it becomes a "she's a problem" situation. It's not that I don't approve, but I'm not going to comment on it regardless because it becomes a issue of "two vs. one, etc...." Things are coming to a head soon though, I'm sure!
          Sorry about that, just had to vent!

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          • #35
            Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

            Ok, first Flash I'm LAUGHING here Our giving her money is NOT an option, we're NOT in a position to loan money, we're not broke but our money is tied up in our land and equiptment with not much to spare. And the way his family is we wouldn't ever loan any of them money even if we could!

            And Loco, I feel for you, money does nothing but make problems in families, and your brother does have to live with his wife but should NOT have treated your mom that way (but mom should have gotten all three kids presents too)

            And if she would just be honest with us when we're attempting to get her to list her bills it would be a lot easier but she stalls, then says "you're going to be mad at me but I also pay..." we repeatedly tell her we have no reason to be mad, we're not upset and aren't expecting anything, we just want her to be financially stable!

            I've been in denial before and understand how she feels, and we're not using guilt in any way in this, just trying to repeatedly explain we're good at these things and can look through budgets to find places to cut/squeeze, etc.

            We haven't been in touch with her this week, actually waiting for her to call us which may not happen after my taking the brothers head off earlier this week, we can only hope she's working on the few things we told her to start, listing all bills, tracking all spending, etc.

            And they also probably figured out who told the collection agency how to get in touch with them about brothers car BUT I ACTUALLY DID THEM A FAVOR! If they were calling all of us in alphabetical order the middle brother would have been next and he would have really ripped baby brother over it!

            This will be an interesting ride, but we ARE going to suggest she get a professional to help her with this.

            kj

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            • #36
              Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

              I think you are doing a great job giving her all this advice. I hope she is smart enough to take it.

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              • #37
                Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

                Wow. This is out of my depth - I know that I would have rather stuck a nine inch needle deeply into my eye than go back and live with my parents. Now its not possible. And I felt hopelessly guilty that I sponged about 800$ from grandfather when I was in NC after hurricane fran.

                I think you'll have to enjoy the fact that your MIL and your BIL think you're mean, and we all think that your MIL and BIL are crazy. Both MIL and BIL are legal adults; unfortunately they are using money like an alcoholic uses vodka, replete with denials and blackouts. MIL's (and therefore BIL's) gravy train is running low. They want to continue their relationship with money the way it is, but they soon won't. Too bad. They will run through the inheritance. They will have to hit bottom before learning and healing can occur.

                The best you can do is offer advice, protect the innocent, and hunker down for the storm.

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                • #38
                  Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

                  Good advice, Baselle. It IS like alcohol or drug dependency. For my DB, he dreams of being ahead, but then spends it immediately. He took out his retirement funds to buy himself a christmas gift -- tools now for when he retires in 15 years, then told his kids he could not afford to get THEM christmas gifts. Hubby and I made up the difference for the kids, then DB got mad at me because he felt like a poor father. So this year, he said NO GIFTS for the kids, (but okay for him), then got mad because the kids were miserable. 4 kids, but he is recently divorced, and they only visit at the holidays and summer. BTW, he bought his wife AND mom the same orchid for Valentines last year, then couldn't figure out why his wife didn't think it was romantic. Mom sent him $10K to cover his cc debt, which he immediately racked up to 10K AGAIN. She sent him her SSI, and then said she could not afford her insulin and other meds, so guess who footed the bill? Totally crazy. I always say I will help the innocent caught in their wake, but not him, yet I always end up helping the people who help him. AGH.

                  No advice, here, but I do feel your pain! Thanks for the vent.

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                  • #39
                    Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

                    Wow, flash...now that's poor planning!

                    And unfortunately, you have to make a distinction between the innocent (kids who don't understand and spouse who is trying to keep it together) and the gullible (helping the enablers enable).

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                    • #40
                      Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

                      Baselle I hear you on the nine inch nail in the eye before moving in! My mom and I respect each other and have set plans years ago that we'll never be under the same roof, no way, no how, ain't happening!

                      Flash, you are a very kind person for not KICKING YOUR BROTHERS BUTT! So sad for his kids and it's so kind of you to do something extra for the kids.

                      And why is it there is almost always that one kid that just does the parents in? I see that in so many families that I know, just sad

                      Again, thanks for letting me vent guys, it's really helped me a LOT.

                      We haven't talked to MIL this week, hoping things are going well but not holding my breath.

                      The thing that has been interesting is that hubby has really been thinking about his family and how he's been treated over the years, and how thankful he is that we have the farm and a good group of close friends with similiar lifestyles and values, sometimes family isn't blood

                      kj

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                      • #41
                        Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

                        Wow it's crazy how many of us have so many like situations. Hubby and I have not talked with his side of the family for 6 months now. His mom chose to move her grandson and his wife in and their baby and now another grandson is living with his mom and dad just milking money off of them. The sad part is the one grandson has a nice 1999 trailer but he decided to sell it because it's better to live for free and the other one's have not bought 1 item for their child who is now 18 months old because grandma buys everything right down to the diapers from day 1. My husband was so mad about this because his parents are on a fixed income and his dad is on alot of medications and has a hefty bill for those every month, but the boys don't care as long as they get there cigs and snuff and gas in there cars which is bull. Of course noone works or chips in. They don't even do there own laundry! It's a joke. All they do is fight. It is a small house not meant for so many people. Oh and not to mention the on grandson and his wife are druggies and theifs to add to it and have problems with the law. So we decided to remove ourselves from the situation because his own mom was badmouthing us to other familiy members(she has done this for years) and we have had enough of the circus. His mom said to him it's all because I meaning myself never liked her. What a bunch of crap. I have been in that family for 13 years and they treat a perfect stranger better than me. So im glad we decided to just not go around them anymore. WHo needs the agravation? Not us. We have our own problems. So you see your not alone.

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                        • #42
                          Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

                          Perhaps I missed this, but if you live in close proximity, you can help without loaning money.

                          Firstly, if you feel that she needs the $10K that was given to you as a gift, you may want to reconsider paying it back (even if it was intended as a gift, now you know she wasn't in the position to pay for it.)

                          I agree that this is your MIL so your hubby won't let her go hungry. If you live close by, you can cook for her frequently or take food to her home. Offer to buy her groceries. Offer to pay for her own personal needs such as medications, etc. You'll have to work out some sort of arrangement (going to the pharmacy with her, etc.) to ensure that the funds are not blown. No, you won't make a big dent in the debt, but you'll sleep at night.

                          It sounds that his family needs counseling also. Have a "come to Jesus" meeting (as we say in the south) where you explain that the problem is bigger than the current debt and you her and her sons to get a fresh new perspective on life.

                          As for the BILs, explain to your MIL that you cannot help financially until they are responsible for their debts. The sad part of this situation is that there are 2 able-bodied people who have the power to completely change the situation by taking responsibility. If she won't make them responsible, well then, you might as well throw your money away before giving it to her to indulge her adult children.

                          Good luck! It doesn't sound easy. I often worry about having to bail my parents out too. Fortunately, neither myself or my brother are a financial drain, but when I see my parent's spending habits sometimes I literally have to bite my upper lip not to say something about it. God knows I love them, but I worry about how little they have saved over the years.

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                          • #43
                            Re: Need advice, Mother in law, wow

                            We live an hour away and can't get away, hubby works full time and I run the farm so no spare time to get away.

                            As for groceries/meds etc, we supply her with beef and veggies year round to help out (before it was a gift).

                            As for the "come to jesus" meeting (and I use that phrase a lot, lol) thats not going to work coming from us, a lot of this is her ploy to manipulate the boys, since hubby wasn't able to be bought now it's a matter of trying to guilt him. This is a woman that states constantly that she would take any of her boys back any time. And any attempt to work together with the brothers would turn into world war three, it's always someone elses fault with them. Hubby is the quiet mediator but the other two just blow up and then turn on him.

                            There's just no way we can help financially, we don't have the extra money, what was gifted to us over the 4 years was used for a tractor purchase and in the last land purchase.

                            She brings in more a month than we do, we just manage to stretch money better than she has.

                            Thanks for the thoughts though.

                            kj

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