Personal Finance of Spending Time with Your Kids.

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I dated a gal a few years ago, and like you, we hit it on all cyclinders when it came to the physical stuff. But, also like you, we were worlds apart when it came to finances. The relationship ended after a little less than a year, because I realized that no matter how much of a match we were physically, that we would never see eye to eye when it came to money. And being that financial responsibility and money management are things that are important to me, I knew that this relationship wasn't going to go anywhere longterm. Visions of being married 5 to 10 years down the road started to creep into my head. Visions of my future wife running up credit cards, skipping car payments, and blowing her entire paycheck at the mall were all quite scary indeed. I decided to break it off. I know that I made the right choice.

Don't think I haven't thought of this either.

[bjl584]

Yeah, well. . . I don't want to make this a "Divorce Support Forum" or anything like that. . .it's not (and feel free to moderate this) but I know it's common (but maybe not talked about) that while a divorce is going on, which may be upwards to 2-3 years in some cases (mine was 18 months), people date because they need intimacy.

I know I did after it was clear my ex-wife was dating (after about 2-3 months). I tried to open up a dialogue with my ex-wife on the subject but was rebuffed. So, admittedly, after 7 months I did.

I guess I would have preferred for the divorce to be final too. . .to guard feelings. . .but again, this seems to be common. You declare you are divorcing and you date.

Anyway, I do have more in common with this other woman. . .so. . .that's why they call it "dating" I guess. Maybe I should just end it.

I didn't mean to typecast her as a spendthrift. . .but she is definitely not a saver from what I can gather. Doesnt' even enter her mind.

She smokes too. . .I don't.

But did I mention the sex is great? LOL.

(please allow me to have my midlife crisis, lol)

But yes, I would like my kids to see a healthy relationship for once. They never had it with my marriage. . . this is my new quest in life.

So, are you just lonely and uh....."jumping on" the first thing that comes along?

I guess, as you said, have your fun now. But longterm you may want to reconsider.

[disneysteve]

She smokes too. . .I don't.

That would do it for me. I wouldn't even have looked at the girl once I knew she smoked. Never would have gotten to the physical part because I never would have asked her out, but that's just me. Smoking is an absolute, 100%, non-negotiable issue in my mind.

[MonkeyMama]

It has given me a lot to think about what is important in a relationship.

Of course, a savingadvicee may actually say, "Oh, the non-physical dimension is the most important." I actually know a happily married MD like yourself, about 70 years old who was posed the same question by me and a friend (he's a nephrologist; it's his partner) and said immediately, "Oh, definitely the physical is the most important."

LOL. Didn't even think about it like I am. No complexity in his reply. No pondering about all the things that go into it. Or if he did ponder, he didn't let on.

I dunno. . .maybe he IS right. . .maybe sex is the thing that makes a relationship last and last.

As with anything, there just needs to be balance.

I've been with my spouse about 17 years, and we still have that *spark.* BUT, we are compatible on many different levels (same life goals, values, ideals, etc., etc.).

I think I can say 100% this is not long-term-mate material. Not someone who is truly going to make you happy.

Likewise, short term fun is fine in theory. But, I'd be damn sure not to get this woman pregnant. I'd also be a little more concerned about the example I was setting for my kids, etc. Short term fun often comes with long term consequences.

I've personally dated people I Felt much more sparks with than my spouse, but our compatibility ended there. I never stuck those relationships out very long because I knew they weren't going anywhere. Logically I think it was pretty safe to say the spark would eventually fizzle and I didn't want to still be around when that happened. Likewise, I probably *knew* this because of the example my parents and grandparents set - truly healthy relationships. Which these days I would consider a little bit more (setting an example in front of my kids).

[disneysteve]

I've personally dated people I Felt much more sparks with than my spouse, but our compatibility ended there. I never stuck those relationships out very long because I knew they weren't going anywhere.

On the flip side, I've also dated people with whom I had a tremendous amount in common with on many levels, but the physical piece wasn't there. Those relationships died out, too.

You need the complete package for a successful long-term relationship.

[Slug]

My .02

Dating is fine, but combining finances is a never. Enjoy the "dating" as long as you can though!

And, parent how you want to parent. You negotiated for what you wanted, you got it, and it's working for you. I don't think there's a reason to second guess here. As with many I have trouble giving credibility to the reasoning of someone who chooses pedicures over house payments.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

Where is this value coming from that "spending time with kids" trumps money/personal finance? Is this the rise and domination of psychobabblists in our culture? Or am I weird? I see this value out there so much - last I checked, I didn't get paid for spending time with my kids and that doesn't earn a trip to State U. for them.

Psychobabble? No, I think even the wisdom of ancient times says to spend quality time with your children. "Train your child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it." "Give me the child until he is seven and I will give you the man." There must be volumes of quotes to throw out on this, and from across all cultures. The idea that you can & should go off to work somewhere away from your kids most of the day is the relatively newer idea.

I don't think it is an either/or question if the result you want is the ability to send your kids to a university. I happen to think that both my spouse and I spending loads of time with our kid is a big part of why he wound up with enough scholarships to cover his tuition+. Also, it is not true that kids will not go to college if parents do not pay. I do think I know some kids who needed a lot more Dad time and would have been just fine with less money in the household.

As said already, balance is the key.

[MonkeyMama]

On the flip side, I've also dated people with whom I had a tremendous amount in common with on many levels, but the physical piece wasn't there. Those relationships died out, too.

You need the complete package for a successful long-term relationship.

Agreed 100%.

Some people like that though. Or are happy to just be friends with their spouse. I personally couldn't do it. Be married to someone where there was absolutely no spark. I have friends to fill that role in my life.

[Scanner]

MM,

Well that's just it - I am wondering as I try to facillitate sooner or later the second major relationship in my life what the foundation will be.

Values such as personal finance and goals?

The "spark"?

Considering how rare "sparks" may be. . .it just gives me pause to think, that's all.

[momcents]

I think that you need to do what is right for you and your family.

My husband is a financial analyst and makes a nice income. He could be making much more if he finished his masters and was willing to travel - he could make easily another $25K. Why doesn't he do this? He was an only child with a father who was a trucker and gone all of the time. I am from divorced parents and had a father who didn't care enough to see us or pay regular support (despite being an attorney and coming from a family with money).

Our kids are 13, 12, 8, 6 and 5. I'm a SAHM and we must make economic choices and prioritize our spending. We sacrifice to send our children to a parochial school. My husband is the best father, he coaches 3rd grade soccer. He keeps the book for the 6th grade girls basketball. He has been on two field trips for kindergarten this year, plus been Science Dad twice. He is going to be Boy Scout den leader for the 1st grader next year. He has never missed an Irish dance competition. We value our children and cherish our time with them.

We save 10% for retirement. We tithe regularly to our church. We know that we want to provide our children with some college experience, and have decided to provide them with an Associate's Degree to be transferred to a four year university or a technical education. (Prepaid college tuition to community college) My children do each have other funds in the $10K range for the rest of the education.

This is what is right for us. I believe that you have done what is right for you. Your girlfriend's outlook might be right for her, though economically not sound.

[MonkeyMama]

MM,

Well that's just it - I am wondering as I try to facillitate sooner or later the second major relationship in my life what the foundation will be.

Values such as personal finance and goals?

The "spark"?

Considering how rare "sparks" may be. . .it just gives me pause to think, that's all.

Are "sparks" that rare?

That comment makes me thing you need to get out and date more. Maybe some speed dating? Widen that pool of fish a bit.