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    #31
    Originally posted by srblanco7 View Post

    Both of my parents passed at relatively young ages and we received roughly $200k in 2003 when my father passed. Was certainly helpful at the time with a new house and 1-year old daughter, though obviously we'd have preferred the time with DD grandpa. Perhaps this has driven my heavy focus on getting to ER - which should be in the next couple of years. Once we're past our sequence of returns risk period (thinking this is 5-years), would certainly consider charitable giving. I personally am also hopeful to help both of our kids get their "adult" (meaning post-college) lives off to a good start and leave them something reasonably significant (million plus) when we pass.
    Will you give your kids the money earlier to help them along or later? I see corn's point but what if kids are responsible?
    LivingAlmostLarge Blog

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      #32
      Originally posted by LivingAlmostLarge View Post

      Will you give your kids the money earlier to help them along or later? I see corn's point but what if kids are responsible?
      I'd definitely like to help them get started in their post-college lives with annual gifts, help funding grandkids (if that's in the cards) 529s, house downpayments. Of course, that's based on an assumption that they are acting responsibly. The guiderails that define "responsible" are an unresolved question for me.

      Certainly, if they are engaging in self-destructive behavior (e.g., drug use), assistance would be off the table. Where I'm challenged is how many "strings" you can attach to assistance without it coming across like it's a means to control, which I don't want as that could sour our relationship. It may be one of those things that we'll have to figure out as we go, and I'm hopeful that we've instilled good financial habits with our kids such that this never elevates as a challenge.

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        #33
        Originally posted by srblanco7 View Post

        I'd definitely like to help them get started in their post-college lives with annual gifts, help funding grandkids (if that's in the cards) 529s, house downpayments. Of course, that's based on an assumption that they are acting responsibly. The guiderails that define "responsible" are an unresolved question for me.

        Certainly, if they are engaging in self-destructive behavior (e.g., drug use), assistance would be off the table. Where I'm challenged is how many "strings" you can attach to assistance without it coming across like it's a means to control, which I don't want as that could sour our relationship. It may be one of those things that we'll have to figure out as we go, and I'm hopeful that we've instilled good financial habits with our kids such that this never elevates as a challenge.
        That's what I mean. I think I'd like to be able to give my kids an annual gift. It would have meant a lot years ago if we had gotten some sort of help. Now it seems less important. But I don't think my parents see it that way. They see it as it's theirs and they are hoarding it. I guess I see it as would it be wrong to do a family trip?
        LivingAlmostLarge Blog

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          #34
          I think I'd probably get an inheritance from my mom (dad already passed with barely a penny to his name) strictly because I know she'll get one from her parents and she's mindful of saving, etc. So there's bound to be at least some money leftover and at the bare minimum, her property (assuming that doesn't get sold off when she's much older. I'm sure she hopes to live in that house, or some other house if she ever moves, until she dies). At this point I would have zero idea how much though because I doubt she has any idea what she'll realistically inherit from my grandfather (who's health is sadly fading now). On top of that, while my mom is really healthy, she was involved in a pretty bad accident years back and it's hard to tell how that will impact her life as she gets older, so it's hard to guess how her medical expenses will fare down the road. Fortunately for me, it doesn't much matter as I don't need it, nor does my brother (already retired using FIRE). I don't plan to have kids of my own, so my only expenses are living in a high COLA and just wanting to do fun stuff throughout my life. So I'm saving up to retire early myself and I'm sure I'll find plenty of ways to safely spend my extra money along the way. I do a small amount of charitable giving now, but eventually when I don't have a mortgage, I'm sure I'll do more.

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            #35
            Originally posted by LivingAlmostLarge View Post

            That's what I mean. I think I'd like to be able to give my kids an annual gift. It would have meant a lot years ago if we had gotten some sort of help. Now it seems less important. But I don't think my parents see it that way. They see it as it's theirs and they are hoarding it. I guess I see it as would it be wrong to do a family trip?
            I am hopeful that my kids view it as something to be grateful for, rather than something that's customary or a birthright.

            Transitioning from building a nest egg to living off it (and sharing it) is a big life transition. And there's no doubt that I'll want to feel secure before I gift to my kids or others. I wonder if that feeling of security is part of the reason that people can struggle with gifting.

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              #36
              I hope we don’t receive one for a very, very long time.

              My parents keep their will up to date and have made sure my siblings and I all have a copy. They’ve split everything evenly among the 4 of us. My parents are in the camp of sharing their wealth now rather than after their gone. They are very generous with their children and have done a lot of the things folks mentioned earlier in this thread (paid for grandchildren’s private schools, helped with down payments, etc).

              I have no idea on my husband’s side.

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                #37
                Originally posted by jenn_jenn View Post
                I hope we don’t receive one for a very, very long time.

                My parents keep their will up to date and have made sure my siblings and I all have a copy. They’ve split everything evenly among the 4 of us. My parents are in the camp of sharing their wealth now rather than after their gone. They are very generous with their children and have done a lot of the things folks mentioned earlier in this thread (paid for grandchildren’s private schools, helped with down payments, etc).

                I have no idea on my husband’s side.
                Do you think it's been more beneficial to have gotten the help earlier? Or would it have been the same as getting it upon death?
                LivingAlmostLarge Blog

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                  #38
                  Something to consider--if you are supplementing your kids lifestyle, they have a higher hurdle to earn the same spending amount. Does it become part of their budget like an annuity supplied by Mom and Dad? What happens when Mom and Dad can't maintain the same funding levels?

                  Consider that the gift you give them is most likely post tax (unless you give them appreciated stock or something like that). You have paid federal/state taxes on that money already. So, the kids have to earn more in order to replace the same spending amount as the gift.

                  Something that I've seen suggested that I think is interesting is matching amounts to the Roth when "the kids" are just starting out and wouldn't be maxing the Roth on their own. You don't want to reduce what they would otherwise contribute because it means they would have to save even more for retirement to replace their current spending level (ie assume they normally save 15%, but parents chip that in for their retirement saving and the kids are spending that 15% they would have saved).

                  I also like the idea of hosting a vacation once in a while as a treat. Unexpected. Not something kids are counting on each year instead of saving for their own vacations.

                  Contributing to grandkids college funds-- I like it. But, whenever I chip in for college I always tell the recipient that they have to pay it forward--ie help someone else. (I guess that is strings, eh?)

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                    #39
                    Originally posted by Like2Plan View Post
                    Something to consider--if you are supplementing your kids lifestyle, they have a higher hurdle to earn the same spending amount. Does it become part of their budget like an annuity supplied by Mom and Dad? What happens when Mom and Dad can't maintain the same funding levels?
                    I think it was in The Millionaire Next Door that they talk about that. They called it Parental Financial Aid.

                    Your kids need to have the lifestyle that they can afford, not the one that they can only have with your regular and ongoing assistance.

                    It's fine to help the kids out, give them cash gifts, maybe help with a home down payment, treat them to dinner or a vacation or whatever, but it shouldn't be an ongoing, regular, recurring thing.
                    Steve

                    * Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.
                    * Why should I pay for my daughter's education when she already knows everything?
                    * There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.

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                      #40
                      Originally posted by disneysteve View Post
                      I think it was in The Millionaire Next Door that they talk about that. They called it Parental Financial Aid.

                      Your kids need to have the lifestyle that they can afford, not the one that they can only have with your regular and ongoing assistance.

                      It's fine to help the kids out, give them cash gifts, maybe help with a home down payment, treat them to dinner or a vacation or whatever, but it shouldn't be an ongoing, regular, recurring thing.
                      But helping with private school for grandchildren would definitely qualify as living beyond your means. You can't afford it but if your parents pay then you can. And it's ongoing and it's continual. Or having the grandparents pay/fund/save for college. Isn't that also living beyond your means if you can't afford to save for college for your own children? Or even a house down payment. One might suggest if you didn't save it yourself then affording the house was unreasonable.

                      I can see the perspective that all parental help will in some way or form be not "affording it" yourself. But if you were going to inherit it anyway I ask the question if it's more useful earlier in life so you don't struggle and can be more comfortable (House downpayment, wedding, college funding) versus when you are 50/60 and inherit from death?

                      I have a lot of my kid's friends have $0 saved for college. Why? Because the grandparents have already saved for it. So they are getting the benefit of having had lots of help both buying a house and now no saving for college. But it might also be putting them in a position to save for their own retirement whereas they would still save for retirement but less if they didn't have college already paid for.

                      I mean if I didn't have to save for college, I would right now have another $160k saved in my pocket. If my parents or in-laws were going to fund college (they are not) then DH and I would be that much further ahead right?
                      LivingAlmostLarge Blog

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                        #41
                        Originally posted by LivingAlmostLarge View Post

                        But helping with private school for grandchildren would definitely qualify as living beyond your means. You can't afford it but if your parents pay then you can. And it's ongoing and it's continual. Or having the grandparents pay/fund/save for college. Isn't that also living beyond your means if you can't afford to save for college for your own children? Or even a house down payment. One might suggest if you didn't save it yourself then affording the house was unreasonable.
                        I think private school is a great example of something that might not be a great idea unless you have tons and tons of money-- not only is it a 12 year commitment, what you do for one--you must do for all (grandkids or nieces and nephews or whomever are your heirs).

                        What happens to the grandkids when either grandpa or grandma has a stroke/or becomes incapacitated and they need round the clock care at home or at an expensive long term care/nursing home and they need the money for their own care?

                        Do the parents pick up the slack with the private school since they have had an increased opportunity to save?

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                          #42
                          Originally posted by LivingAlmostLarge View Post

                          Do you think it's been more beneficial to have gotten the help earlier? Or would it have been the same as getting it upon death?
                          I’ve benefited from it. Small sums have bigger meaning to us now than they likely will in 30 years. An example: They did help with our house a little bit - we were hemming and hawing over our best and final offer as we were in a bidding war. I was talking to my parents about it and then they said “We love this house for you. We’re wiring you $10k (the difference between the two numbers we were deciding between). Do your top number and don’t hesitate.” I tried to tell them we didn’t need it but they insisted. We went with our top number and got the house and we love it. We’re in the middle of buying a condo as a second home and they tried to do something similar but I really insisted we didn’t need or want their money. I think they only listened because my husband called my mom. They’ll listen to him. Lol.

                          My nephews have benefited from private school. The schools in their area are very poorly rated and my parents can afford it and want to so why not? They’ve also funded family vacations and I know that they’ve enjoyed being able to help out their kids and be there to be a part of these moments.

                          On the flip side, I do think their generosity has harmed my younger brother (27) because he doesn’t have incentive to change his situation. He works for my older brother and is incredibly underpaid but he lives a comfortable life partially funded by my parents. My parents pay half his rent. They bought him a car. They pay for extracurriculars. They pay for his phone and insurance. They view it has helping both my brothers but I think it’s doing more harm than good.

                          So really my answer is...it depends.

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                            #43
                            It's a really interesting and nuanced question as to when parental intervention is helpful and when it is potentially creating problems and enabling bad behavior.

                            I think the regulars here would agree that my wife and I are financially responsible and have done well for ourselves. But I'd be lying if I said my parents hadn't helped a great deal. They helped pay for college and to a lesser degree med school. They bought me my first car, and my second. My father had already died when we bought our house but my mom gave us money toward our down payment. A few years later, she bought our bedroom furniture. She has given us monetary gifts many times over the years, but we have obviously used those gifts wisely. We didn't use the money to get things we couldn't otherwise afford. We just used them to supplement our spending but within the bounds of how we would normally handle our money. And I/we have turned down offers of money from my mother probably 10 times more than we've accepted them. Early on I appreciated the help, but in more recent years, I've had a hard time not feeling like she thought we couldn't handle things on our own. If we haven't done something, it isn't because we can't afford it but because we've chosen not to do it for some reason. Her giving us the money wouldn't change that decision.

                            I guess that's all a long-winded way to say that it really depends on the situation. It depends on the kid. It depends on the relationship you have with the kid. If you think the money is going to get blown on nonsense, don't give it. If you think the money will get used wisely and responsibly, then go ahead and make the gift.
                            Steve

                            * Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.
                            * Why should I pay for my daughter's education when she already knows everything?
                            * There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.

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                              #44
                              Originally posted by disneysteve View Post
                              I guess that's all a long-winded way to say that it really depends on the situation. It depends on the kid. It depends on the relationship you have with the kid. If you think the money is going to get blown on nonsense, don't give it. If you think the money will get used wisely and responsibly, then go ahead and make the gift.
                              Fair summary. I recollect that my father helped with paying for my sister's grad school and helped my brother with a property purchase, and helped my brother and me with $5k each for our weddings. When he passed away, my sister raised prior gifts/assistance (as she was yet to be married) as one of the first topics of discussion. After brief discussion, we quickly agreed to waive any retroactive assessment of the help/assistance and to simply divide things equally - consistent with my father's will.

                              What are folks thoughts on "equal distribution" amongst siblings? Is it important? Completely up to the parents - as it's their money to do with as they please?


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                                #45
                                Originally posted by srblanco7 View Post
                                What are folks thoughts on "equal distribution" amongst siblings? Is it important? Completely up to the parents - as it's their money to do with as they please?
                                I can't answer from personal experience as we only have one child. And I can't really answer from my own experience either as my only sibling died when he was 28 (and I was 23). However, when people ask me why we only had one kid, I'll often joke that it was so there is nobody to fight over the inheritance when we die.

                                My wife is one of three. Her parents never had a ton of money. They paid for the girls' weddings but that was about it. There was never any ongoing support provided and birthday or holiday gifts were always nominal amounts, like a $20 bill in the card. When her mom dies, we don't expect to get much. I don't know if she has a will. She does own her home (280-300K) so I suppose that money will likely get split 3 ways. We're doing just fine. The middle sister is as well. They were always super good with their money and she is actually about to retire. Husband has been out on disability with early onset dementia for years. They just built a new home out of state and have their house on the market so they are just about at the end of the game. The oldest sister is the troubled one. Never amounted to much. Sucked with money. Married a guy who sucked with money. Has struggled her whole life. Of the 3, she could certainly use the money the most. I really don't know how I'd feel (or my wife would feel) if mom died and left more to that daughter than to the other two. I'd definitely feel it was unfair and feel my wife got cheated. You shouldn't be punished for being responsible and successful. But at the same time, if giving more to one kid would meaningfully improve their existence, that should be a consideration somehow.

                                If we get 100K when she dies, it will be a nice little bonus to our nest egg. If not, it will have zero impact on our existing plans. I have never planned or counted on getting anything from her.
                                Steve

                                * Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.
                                * Why should I pay for my daughter's education when she already knows everything?
                                * There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.

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