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Please bear with me. The short version is that I'm so overloaded I don't even know who to ask for advice, so I'm crowdsourcing; see the end. Any constructive feedback whatsoever would be immensely appreciated.
I'm your usual 25-year-old BA graduated directly into the recession: spent almost two years (intermittently) out of work after school, can't find a job in my field for the moment (I'm a polyglot), working for less than $10/hr fulltime in sales in an attempt to combat a $50k school debt, with a minimum payment of $660/mo. Until recently I had been paying this out of my life savings (I was always very frugal and had a lot saved up; I was sort of proud to never take an unemployment check, although I rather regret this now). When I can, I take occasional contract work in a handful of fields in addition to my day job. I live with family, meaning I don't have to pay for rent, utilities, or groceries (as long as all I want to eat is refined white carbs). As wonderful as it's been moving back with family (I say that with only some irony; I wish I could be happy here) I feel a desperate need to move out.
I moved back in last year partially to care for my parents and grandparents. My parents are both ill with significant medical expenses. One of my grandparents is experiencing dementia. I love these people very much and I appreciate their financial support, but my parents have always been very financially irresponsible and one of them is deeply emotionally abusive to everyone, while the other has a spending habit that never kept up with income even when they were healthy. Of the two, only one works; the other refuses to seek work and is an addict. They have tremendous credit debt (I'm unsure of the numbers, but tens of thousands in the least). While I always appreciate the offers, I regularly have to decline or demur my parents' invitations to eat out or see movies, because none of us can afford it, which draws some resentment for my implication of the money subject. My grandparent with dementia expresses disapproval of nearly anything I say or do right down to the doneness of my toast, and while I know this is not their normal character, we used to be very close, and it still causes me great pain. Because I work during the hours when this grandparent is most themself I rarely ever have any positive interactions with them anymore and because we used to get along so well they will often guilt-trip me for having changed and picking fights all the time (unlike my usual character, I rarely speak with them if I can avoid it, unless I am particularly excited about something good and it overcomes my wariness/ good judgement. The only singular safe subject with this relative is my dating life because they like my significant other.)
I spend very nearly all of my time either at work or in my bedroom. I do not often venture into the public spaces of the house because I am anxious of criticisms from my grandparent and fights with my nonworking and addicted parent.
It is hopefully obvious why I seek financial and household independence. I miss the freedom to have friends over, to not stay in one room all the time whenever I'm at home, and to eat a healthy diet. While I occasionally will purchase groceries (greens, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, a little cheese) I rarely have unrestricted access to the kitchen because cooking "heats up the house too much." I also meet with some criticism for buying food when there is "plenty of good food at home" - which is true, in a sense, but it's almost entirely processed refined starches and sugars. I am the only person in my immediate family without a weight problem, so apparently my desire for "real food" is not unfounded, but I have to hide what I buy in my bedroom or face critique. On the kitchen issue, I regularly offer to cook at friends' houses (I am a good cook) but that isn't really enough to supplement my diet because I work a different schedule from most of my friends. I have thought about asking for a housekey from one and offering to leave half the batch, however. Buying any groceries is still expensive and not strictly "necessary."
I recognize that on my minimal income I could move out, but I'd need very low rent and would face a very precarious financial situation, and could only pay the absolute barest minimum into my student loans with about $700 left over for absolutely everything. (I am currently shooting for a target of an additional $600/mo. toward the loan with the highest interest and will have it paid off by the end of the year at this rate. The remaining $100 is about half to groceries/ gas/ expenses and half to savings, although I'm going to have to start replacing clothing soon - nearly everything I own is from high school and has holes in it.)
I do not want to be in debt when I am thirty. I want to have the choice to marry and maybe start a family. I do not want to live the life my parents did and do, squandering the opportunity for financial security in exchange for current luxuries, but I know I'd be furious if I stayed in this house another year, got hit by a bus, and never had a chance to live on my own as an adult again away from my family's problems. Someday I would like not to worry that my working parent is about to ask me for another loan to make ends meet, or find out that my nonworking addicted parent has stolen my credit card or bank statement again (it's a big help having e-statements nowadays.)
Call it Catholic guilt but I also feel like this is sort of my comeuppance for having a spoiled childhood, even though I had no real say in the way my parents chose to raise their children. I've had more than my "fair" share of advantages in my young life and never had to go without a meal as a kid. But I'd like to keep that a mostly unbroken streak if I can. I'm not sure how much my fault it is that I'm in such huge student debt - I did choose my school (they offered tremendous scholarships), and I didn't work during my university studies because I was taught the most important thing was to make good grades and learn a lot, which I did. On the other hand, fault doesn't really matter, reality does. My guilt about my privileges probably shouldn't come into the question. And while I'd like to stay and continue to "be there" for my family - the grandparent with dementia is terrified of being left alone, my addict parent often needs "babysitting" in order to keep them away from car keys while under the influence, and both my parents benefit from a certain amount of able help around the house, with the computer, etc. - it's slowly driving me over the edge. Am I being too fearful of risking it all on $700/mo. income? I own my car but will have additional expenses in the form of health and car insurance next year and cannot be sure of getting a raise or a better-paid job before then even though I seem to be highly-regarded at work. I don't really know how much it costs my family to house and feed me, but it's surely much less than my own household would cost.
For anyone who doesn't think I should try to make the move, or anyone with ideas at all, do you have any suggestions for making the current situation more livable, especially as pertains to things like frugally supplementing my diet, exercise in a small space (I use weights sometimes, but climate makes it very unpleasant to work out after my shift before I go home), socializing with peers on the cheap away from the house, and getting along in my family? I feel incredibly awkward asking this on the web but I've run through all my friends and they don't seem to have much to say. It would be really useful to have any feedback at all that doesn't come from the same people I'm trying hard not to emulate. Thanks very much to anyone who bothered to read this.
To anybody else reading in a similar situation, I suppose we have to trust that things get better, that we're not alone, and that at least we have a certain scant amount of choice because we have what we do. It's very hard right now, but the one assured thing is that nothing is ever permanent, and there's some hope to be wrung from that idea.
I'm your usual 25-year-old BA graduated directly into the recession: spent almost two years (intermittently) out of work after school, can't find a job in my field for the moment (I'm a polyglot), working for less than $10/hr fulltime in sales in an attempt to combat a $50k school debt, with a minimum payment of $660/mo. Until recently I had been paying this out of my life savings (I was always very frugal and had a lot saved up; I was sort of proud to never take an unemployment check, although I rather regret this now). When I can, I take occasional contract work in a handful of fields in addition to my day job. I live with family, meaning I don't have to pay for rent, utilities, or groceries (as long as all I want to eat is refined white carbs). As wonderful as it's been moving back with family (I say that with only some irony; I wish I could be happy here) I feel a desperate need to move out.
I moved back in last year partially to care for my parents and grandparents. My parents are both ill with significant medical expenses. One of my grandparents is experiencing dementia. I love these people very much and I appreciate their financial support, but my parents have always been very financially irresponsible and one of them is deeply emotionally abusive to everyone, while the other has a spending habit that never kept up with income even when they were healthy. Of the two, only one works; the other refuses to seek work and is an addict. They have tremendous credit debt (I'm unsure of the numbers, but tens of thousands in the least). While I always appreciate the offers, I regularly have to decline or demur my parents' invitations to eat out or see movies, because none of us can afford it, which draws some resentment for my implication of the money subject. My grandparent with dementia expresses disapproval of nearly anything I say or do right down to the doneness of my toast, and while I know this is not their normal character, we used to be very close, and it still causes me great pain. Because I work during the hours when this grandparent is most themself I rarely ever have any positive interactions with them anymore and because we used to get along so well they will often guilt-trip me for having changed and picking fights all the time (unlike my usual character, I rarely speak with them if I can avoid it, unless I am particularly excited about something good and it overcomes my wariness/ good judgement. The only singular safe subject with this relative is my dating life because they like my significant other.)
I spend very nearly all of my time either at work or in my bedroom. I do not often venture into the public spaces of the house because I am anxious of criticisms from my grandparent and fights with my nonworking and addicted parent.
It is hopefully obvious why I seek financial and household independence. I miss the freedom to have friends over, to not stay in one room all the time whenever I'm at home, and to eat a healthy diet. While I occasionally will purchase groceries (greens, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, a little cheese) I rarely have unrestricted access to the kitchen because cooking "heats up the house too much." I also meet with some criticism for buying food when there is "plenty of good food at home" - which is true, in a sense, but it's almost entirely processed refined starches and sugars. I am the only person in my immediate family without a weight problem, so apparently my desire for "real food" is not unfounded, but I have to hide what I buy in my bedroom or face critique. On the kitchen issue, I regularly offer to cook at friends' houses (I am a good cook) but that isn't really enough to supplement my diet because I work a different schedule from most of my friends. I have thought about asking for a housekey from one and offering to leave half the batch, however. Buying any groceries is still expensive and not strictly "necessary."
I recognize that on my minimal income I could move out, but I'd need very low rent and would face a very precarious financial situation, and could only pay the absolute barest minimum into my student loans with about $700 left over for absolutely everything. (I am currently shooting for a target of an additional $600/mo. toward the loan with the highest interest and will have it paid off by the end of the year at this rate. The remaining $100 is about half to groceries/ gas/ expenses and half to savings, although I'm going to have to start replacing clothing soon - nearly everything I own is from high school and has holes in it.)
I do not want to be in debt when I am thirty. I want to have the choice to marry and maybe start a family. I do not want to live the life my parents did and do, squandering the opportunity for financial security in exchange for current luxuries, but I know I'd be furious if I stayed in this house another year, got hit by a bus, and never had a chance to live on my own as an adult again away from my family's problems. Someday I would like not to worry that my working parent is about to ask me for another loan to make ends meet, or find out that my nonworking addicted parent has stolen my credit card or bank statement again (it's a big help having e-statements nowadays.)
Call it Catholic guilt but I also feel like this is sort of my comeuppance for having a spoiled childhood, even though I had no real say in the way my parents chose to raise their children. I've had more than my "fair" share of advantages in my young life and never had to go without a meal as a kid. But I'd like to keep that a mostly unbroken streak if I can. I'm not sure how much my fault it is that I'm in such huge student debt - I did choose my school (they offered tremendous scholarships), and I didn't work during my university studies because I was taught the most important thing was to make good grades and learn a lot, which I did. On the other hand, fault doesn't really matter, reality does. My guilt about my privileges probably shouldn't come into the question. And while I'd like to stay and continue to "be there" for my family - the grandparent with dementia is terrified of being left alone, my addict parent often needs "babysitting" in order to keep them away from car keys while under the influence, and both my parents benefit from a certain amount of able help around the house, with the computer, etc. - it's slowly driving me over the edge. Am I being too fearful of risking it all on $700/mo. income? I own my car but will have additional expenses in the form of health and car insurance next year and cannot be sure of getting a raise or a better-paid job before then even though I seem to be highly-regarded at work. I don't really know how much it costs my family to house and feed me, but it's surely much less than my own household would cost.
For anyone who doesn't think I should try to make the move, or anyone with ideas at all, do you have any suggestions for making the current situation more livable, especially as pertains to things like frugally supplementing my diet, exercise in a small space (I use weights sometimes, but climate makes it very unpleasant to work out after my shift before I go home), socializing with peers on the cheap away from the house, and getting along in my family? I feel incredibly awkward asking this on the web but I've run through all my friends and they don't seem to have much to say. It would be really useful to have any feedback at all that doesn't come from the same people I'm trying hard not to emulate. Thanks very much to anyone who bothered to read this.
To anybody else reading in a similar situation, I suppose we have to trust that things get better, that we're not alone, and that at least we have a certain scant amount of choice because we have what we do. It's very hard right now, but the one assured thing is that nothing is ever permanent, and there's some hope to be wrung from that idea.
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