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    Originally posted by disneysteve View Post
    If I were in your situation, this person would be my EX-girlfriend.
    If this is the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, I respectfully disagree with steve. I don't pick who I love and want to spend my life with based on their finances. Granted, it is an important aspect to consider and talk about, I think helping her get on track is a great way to start. Help her put a plan together - consider her income, expenses, and where she needs to cut down on spending so that she can pay off her debts. It may not be easy, but your help could make all the differences.

    Comment


      Originally posted by KB24 View Post
      If this is the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, I respectfully disagree with steve. I don't pick who I love and want to spend my life with based on their finances.
      How many fights and divorces occur because of financial incompatibility? LOTS! We always hear that it is one of the leading causes of divorce. Why? Because couples don't worry about it until after they are married and then it is too late.

      I can't say I picked my wife solely based on finances, but it was certainly a factor, just like religion and child plans and family and personal interests. I would not have married a spender no matter how much I liked her. I wouldn't have tried to reform her because I wouldn't be willing to risk my future on whether or not I could "change" her.

      JMHO
      Steve

      * Despite the high cost of living, it remains very popular.
      * Why should I pay for my daughter's education when she already knows everything?
      * There are no shortcuts to anywhere worth going.

      Comment


        Depends on the age. I think it's more important when you are say 25-35 looking. But come on, when you meet someone at 18-20, you're lucky if you are even compatible in general! You change a lot and are very immature personally speaking.

        I'm lucky I'm with my DH but who we are now is very different from 10 years ago! OMG I can't believe i write we're closing in on year 9 together. Ouch. And those 9 years have been living together not dating.
        LivingAlmostLarge Blog

        Comment


          Hi there,

          Firstly and most importantly you have to anyhow restrict her on any further lavish purchases on her credit card. try to make her understand about the financial crisis he is in and by doing this she is herself worsening her current financial status.

          If she doesn't understand this then I would suggest you the say as 'disneysteve' suggested you, 'I think you need to give this relationship a lot of thought.'

          All the best...........

          Comment


            Originally posted by boosami View Post
            Update


            So, while she's doing better with all this mentally, we've had some setbacks that were out of her control. I'm hoping the new year will bring some better opportunities. She will also get a raise in Q1, and potentially a bonus by EOM. She has already agreed it will go toward debt (specifically, to pay off her car which will free up over $300 a month). We'll see what happens.
            So hopefully she hasn't charged anything either. I think under the Christmas tree this year might be Dave Ramsey's book for her.

            How hard is she hitting the payment for the second job? Can she do overtime her job now?

            Comment


              if we write all we spend then we can go over it and see what was really necesary and what wasnt

              but some people never learn

              my mothe ris one of them

              no matter how large an income she has she will spend all of it and more. most people dont change

              i had an easy childhood financially but i learnt fast when i married and didnt have enough money for groceries then i found all sorts of ways to save and not spend. i didnt just clock up debts.

              I have never made debts and i have raised children on my own under horrific circumstances children with extra medical needs. even 500 debt bothers me alot . some people debt doesnt bother them and they will keep making it.

              she was already bailed out and she made it again.

              its like some people have a mature attitude to money and if they won the lottery would use it well but alot of others are known that after they win huge amounts millions in lotteries they end up in even more debt a few eyars later from bad impulsive decisions.

              some people are manic and medication psychiatrists can help.

              I've also only bought second hand cars accordning to what i could afford.

              debt doesnt bother irresponsible people and they will just keep making it over and over again. I was married to a guy who always had con artist plausible stories of why he had another 30 000 debt
              he hid some of them.
              i remember the day i found out about one and i said to him
              you said you dont have debt but here is a 30 000 debt.

              he said
              oh thats not debt thats called overdraft.
              he kept me in hell for many years. i was too loving too giving a slow learning. I should have run in the first week of marriage when i discovered an entires year of income equivalent worth of debt.

              he bought a few new cars over the years at times when we were most under financial stress. he didnt feel the stress only i did. he got a free ride for many years. he was a con artist. even con artists have good things about them. dont wait decades to work out all their patterns, dont lose your health like i did.


              this is a huge warning sign

              an honest person could never hide so much debt from someone they are close to.

              a responsible person could never spend 10 000 on a car when they have so much debt

              if i even had 500 in debt it stressed me out.

              medication can change the brain and help people not be manically spending.

              You are very loving but finances are very real and can effect so much.

              people who have issues, any issue hoarders, making debts have to get out of it themselves. people do spend to fill other pains or voids and get an initial high.

              i personally had financial stress for years but i was supporting a bunch of children some with extra medical needs for many years. Even 500 of debt stressed me alot and i did everything to not be in debt and keep on top of things.

              i was loving in a marriage to someone who didnt care about making huge debts. I was responsible and worked harder and harder , he didnt care , he always had plausible stories why he made debts. he actually was a huge con artist and narcicist and psychopath. He didnt care of the toll it took on all of us. He dragged us down for decades while i was stupidly loving and fell for his stories. I was left financially, emotionally and physically so depleted. finances causes such stress for everything. Drs say that i must have been depleted totally within a year or 2 and that once someone is that depleted for so long their energy never is replenished. Its been years now and nothing i do seems to make me physically strong. I am always tired, i dont have as much energy as others. I'd be a rich woman if i didnt let him drag us down for many years.

              we think we have to give the benefit of the doubt in the beginning of relationships or in relationships, but dr phil says not to! this is a high risk situation.

              we do want 2 equal people capable of contributing or at least not dragging us down

              maybe counselling, antidepressants, or some other healing would help her.

              my daughter lives off her husband but she never made debts and she is caring for their baby otherwise she would still work.she is very frugal and always has been.

              some debts are made legitimately and sometimes suddenly things fall together re work and emotions and they are overcome suddenly in a year or so . but it doesnt sound like hers are legitimate and she hasnt been truthful.

              one of my sons has a pattern of taking on girls who will use and abuse him financially. he is now trying to get rid of the third one. She has debts. She became pregnant to him. He tried to do the right thing and support her.But he cant support her, the baby himself and her debt. she is 35 years old and has 35000 debt. She tries to say that 10 000 she got helping her dad when he went overseas and got sick. But she worked since and why isnt she out of debt. She also is still paying payments for a car that she doesnt even own as she didnt pay insurance and it was in a crash and couldnt be repaired. she manipulated him into letting her stay, but he needs her to go . He cant support 3 people and her debt. The warning sign is also the debt doesnt even bother her, while he is very stressed about it which is the same thing that i experienced with my husband that debt didnt bother him and he kept making it over and over again the more i paid off the more he took and more debt he made.

              i've seen people have debt and then suddenly turn it all around when timing, job, emotions all keyed up one yr but not everyone does and most dont change.

              I just know in our family we have seen too much to enter such a situation. I"m single. I meet men who after decades of working have lost their job or had a heart attack or hip replacement. I cant take on a risky situaiton, not after what i know. It can take years to work out someones patterns and how manipulative irresponsible a person is. Even a very bad person has good traits so its confusing to know without decades of history sometimes how good or bad a person really is. i personally cant enter such high risk situaitons.

              its not cruel
              love doesnt conquer all.

              sometimes we feel we wouldnt get someone better and we do

              at other times we stick by somene and they over come something
              and others times they dont and we should ahve cut our losses

              i have a friend who is stingy but its a very good thing as it means that none of us drag each other down. if i pay for something even small or if he does we repay each other unless its stated that its a gift. I didnt drag him down while raising my kids on my own, he didnt drag me down when he lost his job.

              yours is a hard situaton but you have huge warning signs.

              i had a friend who made a date and when that date came if the husband didnt have a job and wasnt out of debt she would divorce him and she did. it seemed really harsh to me but she was the smart one. I loved too much, i gave too much and i lost everything even my health and my kids health because of the stress it caused. Money is very important. both able to contribute and not drag both down is very important.

              Comment


                i agree with debbie l who wrote

                'I would dump her so fast! Trust me, she will bring down your house financially (then probably move on to the next sucker). A cute face only works for so long - make like the wind and find someone who shares your way of thinking. You need a woman who will be an asset to you - not a liability.'

                I once saw on the oprah show where a guy said that he loved a girl but that she had an issue that wasnt healthy for a healthy relationship that she needed to work on and resolve
                so they separated for a year or so till she worked on it and resolved it and then they came together and married

                most people dont change and those who love too much and give too much think it will and dont realise it wont and end up losing much more than money. dont lose your health like i did from so much stress taking its toll.

                I've never owned an ipad or designer clothing or taken a car loan. I dont get into debt. I wasnt raised this way but i learnt fast when i married and we were on a small income.

                i still think this is very high risk, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour

                though one of my sons had high debt and then suddenly things came together in one year and he managed to get out of it.

                I have never made debts and i have raised children on my own under horrific circumstances children with extra medical needs. even 500 debt bothers me alot . some people debt doesnt bother them and they will keep making it.

                she was already bailed out and she made it again.

                its like some people have a mature attitude to money and if they won the lottery would use it well but alot of others are known that after they win huge amounts millions in lotteries they end up in even more debt a few eyars later from bad impulsive decisions.

                some people are manic and medication psychiatrists can help.

                I've also only bought second hand cars accordning to what i could afford.

                love does not pay bills love does not conquer all. money is very important and it will ruin everything if one is irresponsible. you will lose your health and so will your kids . dont learn the hard way like i did. there is a continuum of how responsible irresponsible truthful dishonest moochers self sufficient people are. some are real con artists irresponsible will never change, others are trustworthy and one day surprise us and make changes and wipe off debt fast. its a high risk situation.

                some moochers keep us on a leash for years with their stories and their promises.

                I remember one woman telling me how her husband is seeing 3 counsellors. I asked her who told her that, was it her husband and does she really believe that.

                you have to assess your own situation and drugs for manic behavior can make a total difference.

                debt doesnt bother irresponsible people and they will just keep making it over and over again. I was married to a guy who always had con artist plausible stories of why he had another 30 000 debt
                he hid some of them.
                i remember the day i found out about one and i said to him
                you said you dont have debt but here is a 30 000 debt.

                he said
                oh thats not debt thats called overdraft.
                he kept me in hell for many years. i was too loving too giving a slow learning. I should have run in the first week of marriage when i discovered an entires year of income equivalent worth of debt.

                he bought a few new cars over the years at times when we were most under financial stress. he didnt feel the stress only i did. he got a free ride for many years. he was a con artist. even con artists have good things about them. dont wait decades to work out all their patterns, dont lose your health like i did.


                this is a huge warning sign

                an honest person could never hide so much debt from someone they are close to.

                a responsible person could never spend 10 000 on a car when they have so much debt

                if i even had 500 in debt it stressed me out.

                medication can change the brain and help people not be manically spending.

                You are very loving but finances are very real and can effect so much.

                people who have issues, any issue hoarders, making debts have to get out of it themselves. people do spend to fill other pains or voids and get an initial high.

                i personally had financial stress for years but i was supporting a bunch of children some with extra medical needs for many years. Even 500 of debt stressed me alot and i did everything to not be in debt and keep on top of things.

                i was loving in a marriage to someone who didnt care about making huge debts. I was responsible and worked harder and harder , he didnt care , he always had plausible stories why he made debts. he actually was a huge con artist and narcicist and psychopath. He didnt care of the toll it took on all of us. He dragged us down for decades while i was stupidly loving and fell for his stories. I was left financially, emotionally and physically so depleted. finances causes such stress for everything. Drs say that i must have been depleted totally within a year or 2 and that once someone is that depleted for so long their energy never is replenished. Its been years now and nothing i do seems to make me physically strong. I am always tired, i dont have as much energy as others. I'd be a rich woman if i didnt let him drag us down for many years.

                we think we have to give the benefit of the doubt in the beginning of relationships or in relationships, but dr phil says not to! this is a high risk situation.

                we do want 2 equal people capable of contributing or at least not dragging us down

                maybe counselling, antidepressants, or some other healing would help her.

                my daughter lives off her husband but she never made debts and she is caring for their baby otherwise she would still work.she is very frugal and always has been.

                some debts are made legitimately and sometimes suddenly things fall together re work and emotions and they are overcome suddenly in a year or so . but it doesnt sound like hers are legitimate and she hasnt been truthful.

                one of my sons has a pattern of taking on girls who will use and abuse him financially. he is now trying to get rid of the third one. She has debts. She became pregnant to him. He tried to do the right thing and support her.But he cant support her, the baby himself and her debt. she is 35 years old and has 35000 debt. She tries to say that 10 000 she got helping her dad when he went overseas and got sick. But she worked since and why isnt she out of debt. She also is still paying payments for a car that she doesnt even own as she didnt pay insurance and it was in a crash and couldnt be repaired. she manipulated him into letting her stay, but he needs her to go . He cant support 3 people and her debt. The warning sign is also the debt doesnt even bother her, while he is very stressed about it which is the same thing that i experienced with my husband that debt didnt bother him and he kept making it over and over again the more i paid off the more he took and more debt he made.

                i've seen people have debt and then suddenly turn it all around when timing, job, emotions all keyed up one yr but not everyone does and most dont change.

                I just know in our family we have seen too much to enter such a situation. I"m single. I meet men who after decades of working have lost their job or had a heart attack or hip replacement. I cant take on a risky situaiton, not after what i know. It can take years to work out someones patterns and how manipulative irresponsible a person is. Even a very bad person has good traits so its confusing to know without decades of history sometimes how good or bad a person really is. i personally cant enter such high risk situaitons.

                its not cruel
                love doesnt conquer all.

                sometimes we feel we wouldnt get someone better and we do

                at other times we stick by somene and they over come something
                and others times they dont and we should ahve cut our losses

                i have a friend who is stingy but its a very good thing as it means that none of us drag each other down. if i pay for something even small or if he does we repay each other unless its stated that its a gift. I didnt drag him down while raising my kids on my own, he didnt drag me down when he lost his job.

                yours is a hard situaton but you have huge warning signs.

                i had a friend who made a date and when that date came if the husband didnt have a job and wasnt out of debt she would divorce him and she did. it seemed really harsh to me but she was the smart one. I loved too much, i gave too much and i lost everything even my health and my kids health because of the stress it caused. Money is very important. both able to contribute and not drag both down is very important.
                Last edited by jasmin1386; 12-29-2012, 02:25 AM.

                Comment

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