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By Cathy Vaughan-Yanda
There are so many mistakes you do NOT want to make if your divorce is just beginning or if it is in process. I've listed the 69 biggest reasons I could come up with. (All pronouns are used interchangeably.) First, I do not want anyone to think I am condoning being unfair to your spouse. The things each of you had before your marriage should stay with that person. The other things, tangible items, should be split as equally as possible between each of you.
1. Giving up control of your divorce - this is NOT your lawyer's divorce
2. Not keeping records of everything (i.e., when you pick up the kids, when you drop them off, when your ex calls, what she wants when she does call - and if it's just to 'see how you're doing' or to interrupt everything you and the kids are doing, put a stop to it immediately), etc.
3 Dividing up property without a thorough inventory - must have a complete list of what you own and what you owe ~ a 50 - 50 division of property is NOT the same thing as a fair division of property
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4. Keeping the house even if you can't afford it ~ let your ex have the headache or sell it
5. Not asking your ex to guarantee child support payments (if he is ordered to pay) with life insurance
6. Not seeking financial advice from someone other than your attorney or friends
7. Not setting up a specific parenting schedule ~ do not agree to liberal and frequent visitation (what works in the beginning will likely not work later on)
8. Not making sure there is a provision for your access to or sharing of medical and school records
9. Not adding a provision for discussion prior to your ex moving away with the kid(s)
10. Spending too much time and money letting lawyers gather information - see the mykidstoo™ article 'Find the Money' 11. If it is close to 10 years, not waiting until that 10 year mark ~ it could be a difference in collecting against your ex's Social Security benefits (of course, if your ex doesn't have any Social Security benefits, this is a moot point ~ this also works in reverse with your ex collecting against your Social Security benefits)
12. Losing the benefit of the Child Tax Credit and the HOPE and Lifetime Learning credits (ask your attorney for more information)
13. Letting your friends/family tell you what you need to do and how you should be feeling - rely on your own judgment (your gut)
14. Not adding a provision for domestic and/or overseas travel and travel restrictions
15. Not insisting on a provision for future elective medical procedures (orthodontia has become a status symbol for many kids)
16. Not paying enough attention to taxes or filing a joint tax return ~ these can come back to haunt you for years
17. Trying to win your ex back, or in the hope that your ex will let you see the kid(s) more often, by being generous (i.e. giving your ex your home, cars, furniture, retirement, alimony, and everything else) ~ can you read 'sucker'; doesn't work - what they do is keep playing you until you finally realize they probably never wanted you in the first place - by that time, it'll be too late to reverse what you've done
18. Not adding a provision detailing a method to handle future disputes and expenses (you will likely need this one to keep your ex from taking you back to court several times a year ~ sure wish I'd known before my divorce)
19. Hiring the first attorney you talk to before you've interviewed at least two others. Evaluate, evaluate, evaluate. If you hear phrases like 'you don't have much of a chance for custody', 'let her have it (property, custody, money) now, we'll get it back later', 'you don't have to be present at the hearing', etc. stop! Does it sound like this person is going to be the best one to fight for you in court? Keep looking.
20. Not adding a provision for a periodic review of the child financial support amount (you'll be glad you added this one if you are the one paying)
21. Not adding a provision for changing parenting time schedules/shared parenting times as your kid gets older
22. Making knee-jerk decisions ~ take a proactive, planned approach to the matter ~ set clear goals in the divorce
23. Allowing your ex's (or her lawyer's) head games bother you
24. Agreeing to pay half (or more) of future college expenses (it's great to do this if you can, but don't include it in your agreement or you'll have no choice)
25. Putting the kids in the middle ~ they are not to blame, they are not messengers, and they should not be made to feel they have to choose between parents
26. Not having credit in your own name ~ if you do not, and you're even considering a divorce, apply for a credit card immediately, before you separate 27. Not asking your bank, brokerage firm, etc., to not make any transactions without your approval ~ your ex could close all of your accounts or borrow against them
28. Agreeing to pay your share of the cost of private school ~ don't forget to factor in the impact of child financial support on your budget (again, it's great to do this if you want to and can afford it, but don't include it in your agreement or you'll have no choice)
29. Giving up your part in the decision-making process of which school to send your kid(s) to if attending private school ~ your ex can decide to send them to the most expensive school rather than the school which best meets their education needs (especially if your ex is not concerned about finances, and you are ordered to pay your share, or is getting help from his parents, new husband, etc.)
30. Agreeing to Wednesday evening visitation if you have to work late most weekdays
31. Thinking you can do this alone
32. Ignoring your lawyer's advice
33. Fighting every issue for the sake of fighting ~ choose your disputes wisely
34. Focusing on prior problems and complaints rather than resolving the present issues
35. Being afraid of the courtroom ~ don't negotiate things at the last minute
36. Not changing the beneficiaries on your IRA's, 401(k), work retirement plans, wills, insurance policies ~ also don't forget to change your emergency contact at work
37. Failing to use computer models to evaluate settlement proposals ~ they are comprehensive and realistic analyses of your post-divorce lifestyle
38. Leaving important records in the house - birth certificates, passports (especially if your ex has an out-of-country passport or unlimited funds), financial records (savings, stockbroker, real estate partnership), tax records, and data that relates to your marital life style (checking accounts, charge card statements, tax returns), etc. ~ (don't forget to go through your safe deposit box)
39. Assuming you will get nothing - assume you CAN get everything and start negotiating from there. Everything is yours - your ex has to prove it is hers - this may not sound like the right thing to do, but think about it
40. Making decisions based on emotion ~ separate your emotions from your finances ~ understand the VALUE of each item, not your emotional attachment
41. Not being the first to file with the court and not talking to your lawyer about getting a temporary order granting you custody immediately, then pursue making that order permanent if you want custody of your kid(s)
42. Signing preliminary agreements - your lawyer cannot always find a way to break these agreements
43. Moving out of your home - it's yours too. Don't leave it until you absolutely have no other choice. Once you have moved (and left your children with your ex), your chances of getting either back are almost nil. Do what you need to make this happen (babysitter, etc.). you are the more responsible, caring, capable of the parents (or at least just as capable as your ex)
44. Not fighting any court orders immediately - never give up hope
45. Not talking to your lawyer about tying up any assets/income which your ex can use for legal expenses against you. Most lawyers are going to want up-front money from you but may be more liberal with your ex (most lawyers will fight to get the ex-husband to pay legal fees for the divorce)
46. Not finding a good support group or getting one-on-one counseling ~ it can make the entire process easier in the long run
47. The same holds for not asking for support from your family, friends, minister, etc. ~ but don't spread your information out to just whoever will listen. Just because you've worked with the same folks for years (and yes, they never liked your husband), doesn't mean one or more of them won't mention to him "offhandedly" when they run into him at your child's school or the grocery store what you just said about your strategy. It doesn't mean they are being malicious (nor does it mean they aren't), it could be that they are just being careless
48. Not remembering, your ex is NOT the same person any more (or maybe your ex is the person she always was and you're just learning to see your ex for who she always has been). Be courteous, you do not need to be a doormat - your ex has a weapon now that she is using against you (one which is more powerful that she may recognize) - divorce court
49. Being provoked. Repeat, do not be provoked. You will look like the bad guy in court. Consider the consequences of everything you put into writing, everything you say to your ex on the phone or in person (have you bought two small tape recorders yet? - if not, read.........") or in the presence of others
50. Not specifying that Alimony ends at death (hopefully you will not be unlucky enough to have to pay this one)
51. Not getting help now, hoping things will get better, or feeling like you are in too deep a hole. Help is out there. Get it as soon as possible. There is hope at every phase of the process, but it is a lot easier to not start from a hole you have dug for yourself
52. Doing the 'right thing' ~ if you blindly listen to what your attorney tells you and then you do it - it could be the wrong thing...listen if your gut tells you it is dead wrong
53. Not demanding your rights - you have them, don't be that proverbial doormat
54. Getting in a rut, feeling discouraged and sorry for yourself and start going to bars and drinking. This is just the ammunition your ex needs to get the kid(s), etc.
55. Finding another woman (or man) and starting to 'parent' their children every other weekend. Get through this relationship first and when you're ready to move on, you will be able to make better decision 56. Missing work, showing up late, or becoming the walking wounded to your co-workers. If anything, throw yourself into work and become an even better employee
57. Stopping your attendance at church or synagogue. You need the support
58. Lying to your attorney. Your attorney needs ALL of the information he can get in order to represent you in the best possible way
59. Not tape recording a telephone conversation (or personal conversation), counting on your memory (this becomes a 'he said/she said' situation) - remember the extra batteries
60. Feeling sorry for yourself. The justice system has not decided to dump on you - you've got to start thinking and stop feeling for a bit. Get out of your own way
61. Disappearing from your kids' lives. They need you. They need you to be a good dad, especially now. Do not depend on your kids to help you feel better (crying, talking to them about all of your problems, etc. is not going to help them want to spend time with you). Are you trying to drive them out of your life?
62. Using the divorce process to 'punish' your ex
63. Not asking for your portion of your ex's retirement or pension fund (don't forget to include a survivor benefit) if they ask for a portion of yours
64. Getting anxious to have things over ~ take your time and do it right the first time
65. Using your attorney as a therapist or financial planner ~ remember you are paying fees for legal work (which they do best ~ find another professional to handle the rest)
66. Procrastinating
67. Not keeping a notebook handy for questions you want to ask your lawyer ~ and a calendar to keep track of all of the times and dates (there may be many of them if you are involved in mediation)
68. Not requesting copies of all police reports (if you have been hit or suffered vandalism to your property it is your right to request that charges be pressed against your ex)
69. Not speaking up in court ~ you never want to get into an argument with the judge, but you don't want to just sit there and let your ex tell lies without defending yourself either
While we may have to live with mistakes we make in divorces for years, sometimes for the rest of our lives, a little research can go a long way. Choose to be a winner in your divorce.
***********************
© Cathy Vaughan-Yanda, B.S., Sati, <a href="http://www.mykidstoo.com">mykidstoo.com</a>, 2005 ~ the single mother of a totally awesome son, currently lives in Ohio. She is the owner of a small company, a writer, an illustrator, a reviewer of books, and has worked with people infected and affected with HIV/AIDS for more than fifteen years.
There are so many mistakes you do NOT want to make if your divorce is just beginning or if it is in process. I've listed the 69 biggest reasons I could come up with. (All pronouns are used interchangeably.) First, I do not want anyone to think I am condoning being unfair to your spouse. The things each of you had before your marriage should stay with that person. The other things, tangible items, should be split as equally as possible between each of you.
1. Giving up control of your divorce - this is NOT your lawyer's divorce
2. Not keeping records of everything (i.e., when you pick up the kids, when you drop them off, when your ex calls, what she wants when she does call - and if it's just to 'see how you're doing' or to interrupt everything you and the kids are doing, put a stop to it immediately), etc.
3 Dividing up property without a thorough inventory - must have a complete list of what you own and what you owe ~ a 50 - 50 division of property is NOT the same thing as a fair division of property
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4. Keeping the house even if you can't afford it ~ let your ex have the headache or sell it
5. Not asking your ex to guarantee child support payments (if he is ordered to pay) with life insurance
6. Not seeking financial advice from someone other than your attorney or friends
7. Not setting up a specific parenting schedule ~ do not agree to liberal and frequent visitation (what works in the beginning will likely not work later on)
8. Not making sure there is a provision for your access to or sharing of medical and school records
9. Not adding a provision for discussion prior to your ex moving away with the kid(s)
10. Spending too much time and money letting lawyers gather information - see the mykidstoo™ article 'Find the Money' 11. If it is close to 10 years, not waiting until that 10 year mark ~ it could be a difference in collecting against your ex's Social Security benefits (of course, if your ex doesn't have any Social Security benefits, this is a moot point ~ this also works in reverse with your ex collecting against your Social Security benefits)
12. Losing the benefit of the Child Tax Credit and the HOPE and Lifetime Learning credits (ask your attorney for more information)
13. Letting your friends/family tell you what you need to do and how you should be feeling - rely on your own judgment (your gut)
14. Not adding a provision for domestic and/or overseas travel and travel restrictions
15. Not insisting on a provision for future elective medical procedures (orthodontia has become a status symbol for many kids)
16. Not paying enough attention to taxes or filing a joint tax return ~ these can come back to haunt you for years
17. Trying to win your ex back, or in the hope that your ex will let you see the kid(s) more often, by being generous (i.e. giving your ex your home, cars, furniture, retirement, alimony, and everything else) ~ can you read 'sucker'; doesn't work - what they do is keep playing you until you finally realize they probably never wanted you in the first place - by that time, it'll be too late to reverse what you've done
18. Not adding a provision detailing a method to handle future disputes and expenses (you will likely need this one to keep your ex from taking you back to court several times a year ~ sure wish I'd known before my divorce)
19. Hiring the first attorney you talk to before you've interviewed at least two others. Evaluate, evaluate, evaluate. If you hear phrases like 'you don't have much of a chance for custody', 'let her have it (property, custody, money) now, we'll get it back later', 'you don't have to be present at the hearing', etc. stop! Does it sound like this person is going to be the best one to fight for you in court? Keep looking.
20. Not adding a provision for a periodic review of the child financial support amount (you'll be glad you added this one if you are the one paying)
21. Not adding a provision for changing parenting time schedules/shared parenting times as your kid gets older
22. Making knee-jerk decisions ~ take a proactive, planned approach to the matter ~ set clear goals in the divorce
23. Allowing your ex's (or her lawyer's) head games bother you
24. Agreeing to pay half (or more) of future college expenses (it's great to do this if you can, but don't include it in your agreement or you'll have no choice)
25. Putting the kids in the middle ~ they are not to blame, they are not messengers, and they should not be made to feel they have to choose between parents
26. Not having credit in your own name ~ if you do not, and you're even considering a divorce, apply for a credit card immediately, before you separate 27. Not asking your bank, brokerage firm, etc., to not make any transactions without your approval ~ your ex could close all of your accounts or borrow against them
28. Agreeing to pay your share of the cost of private school ~ don't forget to factor in the impact of child financial support on your budget (again, it's great to do this if you want to and can afford it, but don't include it in your agreement or you'll have no choice)
29. Giving up your part in the decision-making process of which school to send your kid(s) to if attending private school ~ your ex can decide to send them to the most expensive school rather than the school which best meets their education needs (especially if your ex is not concerned about finances, and you are ordered to pay your share, or is getting help from his parents, new husband, etc.)
30. Agreeing to Wednesday evening visitation if you have to work late most weekdays
31. Thinking you can do this alone
32. Ignoring your lawyer's advice
33. Fighting every issue for the sake of fighting ~ choose your disputes wisely
34. Focusing on prior problems and complaints rather than resolving the present issues
35. Being afraid of the courtroom ~ don't negotiate things at the last minute
36. Not changing the beneficiaries on your IRA's, 401(k), work retirement plans, wills, insurance policies ~ also don't forget to change your emergency contact at work
37. Failing to use computer models to evaluate settlement proposals ~ they are comprehensive and realistic analyses of your post-divorce lifestyle
38. Leaving important records in the house - birth certificates, passports (especially if your ex has an out-of-country passport or unlimited funds), financial records (savings, stockbroker, real estate partnership), tax records, and data that relates to your marital life style (checking accounts, charge card statements, tax returns), etc. ~ (don't forget to go through your safe deposit box)
39. Assuming you will get nothing - assume you CAN get everything and start negotiating from there. Everything is yours - your ex has to prove it is hers - this may not sound like the right thing to do, but think about it
40. Making decisions based on emotion ~ separate your emotions from your finances ~ understand the VALUE of each item, not your emotional attachment
41. Not being the first to file with the court and not talking to your lawyer about getting a temporary order granting you custody immediately, then pursue making that order permanent if you want custody of your kid(s)
42. Signing preliminary agreements - your lawyer cannot always find a way to break these agreements
43. Moving out of your home - it's yours too. Don't leave it until you absolutely have no other choice. Once you have moved (and left your children with your ex), your chances of getting either back are almost nil. Do what you need to make this happen (babysitter, etc.). you are the more responsible, caring, capable of the parents (or at least just as capable as your ex)
44. Not fighting any court orders immediately - never give up hope
45. Not talking to your lawyer about tying up any assets/income which your ex can use for legal expenses against you. Most lawyers are going to want up-front money from you but may be more liberal with your ex (most lawyers will fight to get the ex-husband to pay legal fees for the divorce)
46. Not finding a good support group or getting one-on-one counseling ~ it can make the entire process easier in the long run
47. The same holds for not asking for support from your family, friends, minister, etc. ~ but don't spread your information out to just whoever will listen. Just because you've worked with the same folks for years (and yes, they never liked your husband), doesn't mean one or more of them won't mention to him "offhandedly" when they run into him at your child's school or the grocery store what you just said about your strategy. It doesn't mean they are being malicious (nor does it mean they aren't), it could be that they are just being careless
48. Not remembering, your ex is NOT the same person any more (or maybe your ex is the person she always was and you're just learning to see your ex for who she always has been). Be courteous, you do not need to be a doormat - your ex has a weapon now that she is using against you (one which is more powerful that she may recognize) - divorce court
49. Being provoked. Repeat, do not be provoked. You will look like the bad guy in court. Consider the consequences of everything you put into writing, everything you say to your ex on the phone or in person (have you bought two small tape recorders yet? - if not, read.........") or in the presence of others
50. Not specifying that Alimony ends at death (hopefully you will not be unlucky enough to have to pay this one)
51. Not getting help now, hoping things will get better, or feeling like you are in too deep a hole. Help is out there. Get it as soon as possible. There is hope at every phase of the process, but it is a lot easier to not start from a hole you have dug for yourself
52. Doing the 'right thing' ~ if you blindly listen to what your attorney tells you and then you do it - it could be the wrong thing...listen if your gut tells you it is dead wrong
53. Not demanding your rights - you have them, don't be that proverbial doormat
54. Getting in a rut, feeling discouraged and sorry for yourself and start going to bars and drinking. This is just the ammunition your ex needs to get the kid(s), etc.
55. Finding another woman (or man) and starting to 'parent' their children every other weekend. Get through this relationship first and when you're ready to move on, you will be able to make better decision 56. Missing work, showing up late, or becoming the walking wounded to your co-workers. If anything, throw yourself into work and become an even better employee
57. Stopping your attendance at church or synagogue. You need the support
58. Lying to your attorney. Your attorney needs ALL of the information he can get in order to represent you in the best possible way
59. Not tape recording a telephone conversation (or personal conversation), counting on your memory (this becomes a 'he said/she said' situation) - remember the extra batteries
60. Feeling sorry for yourself. The justice system has not decided to dump on you - you've got to start thinking and stop feeling for a bit. Get out of your own way
61. Disappearing from your kids' lives. They need you. They need you to be a good dad, especially now. Do not depend on your kids to help you feel better (crying, talking to them about all of your problems, etc. is not going to help them want to spend time with you). Are you trying to drive them out of your life?
62. Using the divorce process to 'punish' your ex
63. Not asking for your portion of your ex's retirement or pension fund (don't forget to include a survivor benefit) if they ask for a portion of yours
64. Getting anxious to have things over ~ take your time and do it right the first time
65. Using your attorney as a therapist or financial planner ~ remember you are paying fees for legal work (which they do best ~ find another professional to handle the rest)
66. Procrastinating
67. Not keeping a notebook handy for questions you want to ask your lawyer ~ and a calendar to keep track of all of the times and dates (there may be many of them if you are involved in mediation)
68. Not requesting copies of all police reports (if you have been hit or suffered vandalism to your property it is your right to request that charges be pressed against your ex)
69. Not speaking up in court ~ you never want to get into an argument with the judge, but you don't want to just sit there and let your ex tell lies without defending yourself either
While we may have to live with mistakes we make in divorces for years, sometimes for the rest of our lives, a little research can go a long way. Choose to be a winner in your divorce.
***********************
© Cathy Vaughan-Yanda, B.S., Sati, <a href="http://www.mykidstoo.com">mykidstoo.com</a>, 2005 ~ the single mother of a totally awesome son, currently lives in Ohio. She is the owner of a small company, a writer, an illustrator, a reviewer of books, and has worked with people infected and affected with HIV/AIDS for more than fifteen years.