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Is It Ever Okay to Help Your Parents Get Out of Debt?

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help your parents get out of debt

Many of us adults are caught in a big juggling act. Obviously, we’re taking care of our own finances. However, we’re also faced with teen or young adult children who might still need our financial help. Moreover, our parents might need assistance as well. It’s hard to know what the right boundaries are in any family. For example, what if your parents have debt? Should you help your parents get out of debt? Or should you wash your hands of it all? Or is there some in-between option?

Every Family Is Different

Every family handles their finances differently. Some families talk very openly about money whereas others never discuss the topic. In some families, parents tend to feel responsible for their children’s finances no matter how old the “kids” are. In contrast, some families feel that adult children should help their parents. This is cultural, social, and individual. So, ultimately, you’re going to have to take your own family’s issues, preferences, and beliefs into consideration when deciding if and how to help your parents get out of debt.

Your Parents Are In Debt: 2 Possible Scenarios

There are two different scenarios that might bring about the question of whether and how to help your parents get out of debt:

  1. Your parents have requested your assistance.
  2. Aware of your parents’ debt and concerned about their future, you want to offer to help your parents get out of debt.

There’s another scenario that’s unfortunately common as well. You and your parents are both aware that there’s a problem, however you haven’t discussed it outright. Your parents might complain about debt, for example, but neither of you have discussed the depth and breadth of the issue.

Step One: Talk About How to Help Your Parents Get Out of Debt

Regardless of the situation, it’s time to have a conversation. Talking about money often poses challenges. Many families find themselves arguing, bringing up old issues, and generally feeling discomfort when talking about money. However, the only way to deal with the situation well is to deal with it head-on. (Note an important exception: if your parents are in late stages of memory loss, you may decide to take over their finances. This is an entirely different situation that must be handled in its own unique ways, including through legal means.)

If your parents have asked for your help, then the door is already open for this conversation. Otherwise, you’ll have to bring it up. Broach it firmly, kindly, and respectfully. Let your parents know that you want to discuss debt and ask about a good time to do so. Bring up your own concerns about their debt. Ask about their concerns and thoughts. As best as possible, you’ll all work together to figure out a plan that works for everyone.

If your family is unable to have these types of financial discussions, then you might want to consider family therapy together. There are therapists who specialize in discussing finances. As a result, they can help you navigate the tricky parts of this big issue. Moreover, they can help each of you figure out your wants, needs, abilities, and boundaries. This is a key part of figuring out if and how to help your parents get out of debt.

So, Should You Help Your Parents Get Out of Debt?

Obviously, you need to consider a lot of factors in this conversation about how to help your parents get out of debt. Whether or not you decide to assist them depends on a huge variety of factors. Ultimately, it’s up to you. However, there are some key things to consider that can assist you in making your decision.

Benefits of Helping Your Parents Get Out of Debt

Here are some of the reasons you might want to help your parents get out of debt:

  • You’re able to do so while they are not. If you’re in the financial position to help and you genuinely want to then there’s no reason not to move forward.
  • Socially, culturally, and personally you believe that children should take care of their parents. They raised you and now it’s your turn to help.
  • You want your parents to have a high quality of life moving forward. If they get out of debt, that increases the likelihood. After all, debt is stressful!
  • It’s important to you that your parents’ long-term care plans are in place. If they’re drowning in debt, then they might not have a plan for the future.
  • Your parents might be able to help you out in exchange. For example, you might ask them to provide childcare. Everyone contributes and everyone wins.

Drawbacks of Helping Your Parents Get Out of Debt

Here are some of the things to consider before you take on your parents’ debt problems:

  • It’s a financial burden. Taking on anyone’s debt is hard. Make sure that you’re in a financial position to help before you offer to do so. After all, if you go into debt to pay off their debt then you might end up struggling.
  • You might feel resentful. If dealing with their debt might put a strain on your relationship with your parents then you have to think carefully about whether or not it’s worth it.
  • Your spouse might not be on board. Dealing with in-laws together is hard. You want to get on the same page before moving forward with paying off parents’ debt.
  • They might go back into debt. If your parents aren’t financially responsible, then paying off their debt may not help them out. They may revert to old habits and end up in the same position again.

Middle Ground Options

On one hand, you could pay off all of your parents’ debt. On the other hand, you could tell them to deal with it themselves. However, you don’t have to go to either of these extremes. Discuss middle ground options with your parents. Some of these options include:

  • Lend them the money to pay off their debt. They can pay you back without interest. As a result, their payments might feel more manageable.
  • Assist them in better money management. If they’re open to it then they might just need help figuring out how to handle their debt.
  • Offer them a job. As aforementioned, you might have them do childcare. Or a variety of other things that assist you. In effect, you’re “paying” them for their work by putting that money towards their debt repayment.
  • Pay off a portion of their debt. You might pay off the debt with the highest interest rate or highest balance, for example. Then they can take over from there.
  • Make a plan with your siblings. Getting the whole family involved might ease the burden a bit.

All in all, you want to consider your options carefully. There are certainly pros and cons to assisting your parents with paying off debt. It’s a very personal decision.

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How to Stop Paying Money for Others

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paying money for others

Do you regularly find yourself paying money for others? There are several scenarios in which this problem might occur. However, you can deal with all of them by implementing two key tricks. And the best part about these tricks is that they don’t require the other people to make changes; it’s stuff that you can do yourself.

Scenarios When You Might Be Paying Money For Others

When are the times that you are paying money for others? Here are some common scenarios:

  • Your name is on a lease or utility bill. Therefore, you pay the bill and others are then supposed to pay their half to you. However, they don’t always pay you. As a result, you’re paying the entire cost for others.
  • The check comes at a restaurant or other shared event. Somehow the total doesn’t add up. You pay the extra to resolve the problem.
  • The check comes at a restaurant or other shared event. You say, “I’ve got this.” You do this more often than not.
  • You’ve offered to share your streaming services with others. Then you want to cancel or downgrade. However, you feel guilty for nipping their services in the bud. Therefore you just keep paying.

These are just a few of the scenarios that play out where you might find yourself paying for others. Brainstorm a list of others that apply to your own life. The more you know about the situation, the easier it’s going to be to resolve.

2 Key Things You Can Do To Stop Paying Money For Others

Each of these situations is different. However, they share a common denominator: you. You have choices. You can make changes. Therefore, it’s up to you to figure out what to do. And there are two key things that you can begin doing right now:

1. Work Through Your Own Money Issues

Many of us have psychological and emotional issues about money. We have received messages from our families and our culture that affect the way we deal with financial issues. This shows up in all sorts of ways. However, it especially shows up in our relationships. If you’re having problems paying money for others, then chances are that there is some underlying emotional stuff coming up for you that’s making it hard for you to set appropriate boundaries.

For example, if you’re the one at the table who always pays extra to settle a shared check, then dig deep to figure out why that is. How were financial conflicts handled in your family? Are you avoiding conflict because it’s a trigger for you? If so, what can you do differently in these situations to feel safe without having to foot the bill?

Conflict avoidance could be at the root of issues like covering rent for roommates as well. On the other hand, perhaps money represents security to you. Is that why you chose to be the leaseholder? If so, then what can you do differently to feel secure without people taking advantage of that?

Similarly, if you always pick up the check at a shared event, then it’s worth asking yourself why that is. What do you feel that it says about you that you pay for everyone? Is it a self-esteem issue? Is it a belief that you’re responsible? What’s going on underneath?

2. Learn to Talk About Money

This goes hand in hand with working through your own money issues. Once you know what’s going on with yourself, the other aspect is learning to properly communicate that information to others. Talking about money isn’t easy. But you can learn to do so with practice.

Start by discussing money issues with the people you find it easiest to do so with. They’ll help you strengthen your skills. You can even work with a therapist to help you learn to set boundaries and communicate them to others.

Obviously it helps if the other person will join in the conversation with you, but if all you ever reach is the goal of communicating your feelings then you’re still doing great. It will still help you stop paying for others when you don’t want to.

Additional Tips to Reduce The Problem of Paying for Others

Working on your own underlying issues, including learning better money communication, is truly the way to resolve this problem forever. But, of course, that might take some time. Here are some tips and tricks that you can implement in the meantime to minimize the problem in your life:

  • Promise yourself that you’ll always say no first if someone asks you to pay. You can always change your mind and decide to pay later if that’s a choice you consciously want to make. Saying no (or saying that you need to think about it) will help buy you some time.
  • Make use of apps like Venmo. People can instantly pay you right from their phone. Therefore, you should ask that they do so in appropriate situations such as when splitting a bill.
  • Set up weekly or monthly money meetings. Whether these are family meetings or get-togethers with roommates, this is a way to address financial issues. Sometimes just setting aside the time to talk resolves the issues. Once it becomes a habit, it will be easier for everyone.
  • Ask someone you love to hold you accountable. For example, if you always say, “we’ve got this” at the restaurant, ask your spouse to remind you not to do that. Ask for support in letting the situation unfold as it will.
  • Set a budget that includes paying for others. If you enjoy paying sometimes, then work that into your budget. Don’t exceed it. Monitor it closely.
  • Let everyone in your life know that you’re working on your personal finances. Say outright to everyone, “hey I’m just trying really hard to save money right now.” You can say this during a neutral time so that they know it’s not about them. This helps set the stage for all future conversations about money.

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28 Gift Ideas That Save Money For The Recipient

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28 Gift Ideas That Save Money For The Recipient

With the holidays approaching, it’s time to think about Christmas shopping. We always talk about ways to save money on gifts, from hitting the sales to drawing names out of a hat. That’s all well and good, but these strategies only save money for the buyer. How about turning the savings around this year and buying gifts that save money for their recipients?

Particularly in a down economy, gifts that help the recipient save money are much appreciated. You can still save money when buying most of these items if you use the tried-and-true shopping methods. But the bonus is that the following gift ideas also help the recipients save money over the long term. Who can argue with a gift that saves them money?

So, with no further ado, here are 28 gift ideas that save money for the recipient:

1. Gift Cards

Always a staple of the holidays, a well-considered gift card saves your recipient money. After all, they won’t have to dip into their own funds to purchase something that they want or need. They’ll use the card instead.

Try to get a card to a store you know the recipient loves or shops frequently and that carries useful stuff. Cards to stores that carry only expensive “dream” merchandise aren’t really money-savers, because the recipient is locked into buying something frivolous when they might have preferred to spend the money on something useful or “every day.”

To save your recipient money, stick to bigger stores like Target, Walmart, grocery stores, large department stores, large bed and bath stores, or clothing stores. At those places, your recipients can either get something they need or splurge on something fun and they will have lots of choices. And, with the lower prices at many of these stores, your gift will go further.

If you have credit card rewards points then you might be able to use them to purchase gift cards. Therefore, you save money for yourself as well as for the gift recipient.

Want to make it more personal? Write a beautiful letter explaining why you chose this gift.

Get a $10 Costco Shop Card

2. Magazine Subscriptions

Do you know someone who enjoys getting print magazines? Or even digital ones? If so, then offer to pay for the membership for one year. This is an affordable gift for you and yet saves them money to spend on something else.

3. Pay for a Service

Does your recipient hate to clean? Spring for a cleaning service. Hate to cook? Give them a gift certificate to a service like Schwanns that delivers prepared meals. Hate to mow the lawn? Give them the gift of a landscaping service.

If they already have such services, offer to pick up the tab for a few months. Items such as these not only relieve the burden from people who don’t like or can’t do these things, but they save them money because they don’t have to pay for the service themselves.

Moreover, it saves them time. Time can be financially valuable as well.

And if you want to save money, you might offer to perform the service yourself, rather than hiring someone else to do it.

4. Buy What They Need

Rather than blindly hunting for the “perfect gift,” ask your recipients what they need. Then get it for them.

If they need clothes, try a gift card to a retailer that sells many styles. Or offer to go shopping with them.

If they need food, get a gift card to a grocery store. Alternatively, sign them up to receive fresh farm food delivery on your tab.

If they need a hobby or office supplies, either get a gift card or fill a box with several items. If they need household supplies like cleaners, toiletries, or linens, get a gift card to a big-box store, or create a gift basket with several items.

Gifts that meet a need are just as appreciated (if not more so) than the doo-dad that you thought was “so cute” that you had to buy it. And getting them what they need means they won’t have to spend their own money to buy it.

Don’t worry about seeming impersonal by asking someone what they need. Most people are grateful.

5. Gift Them a Night Out

Give the person the gift of a night out. That might mean paying for dinner and a movie. It could mean getting them a hotel room. Or it might simply mean babysitting their children while they go do something that they enjoy. Combine gift cards and services to create a special night out.

6. Offer to Pay For a Sitter

If your recipients have kids, offer to pick up the tab for a babysitter for a night or two. If they have pets, pay the pet sitter.

Sometimes people want to go out, but don’t want to spring for a babysitter so they stay home. Give them the chance to go out without having to pay for a sitter themselves.

Alternatively, offer to be their sitter. Let them drop the kids/dogs off with you and enjoy a night in without them.

7. Reusable Water Bottles

Your recipients won’t have to spend money on bottled water anymore if you get them a good quality, reusable water bottle with a built-in filtration system. If they don’t mind the taste of tap water but buy bottled water for its portability, you can get a reusable water bottle without filtration for a little less money.

This will also be a good reminder for them to drink more water. If they do, then you’re contributing to their overall health. Furthermore, that can save health costs down the line.

8. Set up a Savings Account

This can be especially good for kids or grandkids. Open an account (making sure to get any bonuses for opening a new account) and seed it with a little money. Even if nothing more is ever added to it, it will still gain some interest.

You can add money to it each holiday to keep your gift growing. Alternatively, you could gift savings bonds or shares of stocks to help your recipients gain a bit of money.

This not only gives the outright gift of money. It also helps set the tone for saving for the future. That’s an educational gift that could last a lifetime.

9. Warehouse Club Membership

If your recipient lives near a popular warehouse club such as Sam’s, Costco, or BJ’s, then buy them a membership. They’ll save money on food, household items, and gas (if the club has a station) and they won’t have to pay the membership fee. That’s a gift that can truly go a long way. They’ll get things that they need all year long at a lower price thanks to you.

10. Pay For Streaming Services

What streaming services does your gift recipient use? Whether it’s Netflix, Hulu, Spotify, Audible, or some other form of pay-by-the-month entertainment, you can pay that bill for them.

If you want to save money, see about adding them to your existing accounts.

presents

11. Reusable Shopping Bags

Many places now charge customers for using paper or plastic bags in the store. Therefore, you can save people money by giving them reusable shopping bags. Make them yourself if you knit, crochet, or sew. Alternatively, purchase them inexpensively. If you’re giving them another gift as well, use this as the gift bag.

12. Gifts for the Couponer

If you know someone who is into (or wants to be into) couponing, then you have several gift choices.

First, you can get them a subscription to the local Sunday paper if they don’t already have one. This is a great source of coupons even in digital times.

Second, you can purchase a membership for them at a coupon/shopping website.

Third, you can buy them an organizational system for their coupons, such as a binder and pockets, recipe box, or divided filing pouch.

Alternatively, you could write out or print out all of your favorite couponing tips and put them into a journal for the person to learn from.

13. Seeds / Materials for a Window or Container Garden

If your recipient has a green thumb (or just wants to reduce their grocery costs), then consider setting them up with some pots, dirt and seeds/starter plants to grow their own vegetables or herbs.

Many plants can easily grow in containers in small spaces, so even those with limited space can grow at least a few things.

If they aren’t as handy with plants but are interested in the idea, try getting them a starter kit that does a lot of the work for you. A ready-to-grow herb garden or mushroom farm is a great start.

14. A Good Cookbook

Maybe your recipient eats out a lot because they, “Just don’t know what to fix.” A good cookbook can solve that problem. Moreover, it can save the recipient hundreds in dining out / ordering in costs.

Ideally, the recipes should be easy and quick to prepare. Plus, they should require only simple, easy to find ingredients, and utensils. Otherwise, the recipient will quickly get frustrated and spend more money on equipment and ingredients than they would have by continuing to eat out.

An alternative to the cookbook, of course, is a meal subscription plan.

15. Books About Saving Money

If your recipient is looking for ways to save money, then they may be interested in books about saving money. If you already have some in your personal library, then you can save money by gifting those. Add a nice message written in the front of the book to personalize the gift.

16. Fans, Window AC’s, and/or Space Heaters

Heating and cooling costs are usually the biggest components of an energy bill. Therefore, finding ways to help the person reduce those costs is a huge money-saving gift.

Portable fans, window air conditioners, and space heaters allow you to heat and cool just the rooms you are occupying, rather than cooling or heating the whole house. Therefore, they save a ton of money. Some of these items have gotten so fancy that they make great gifts.

You can also buy decorative ceiling fans and offer to pay for the installation (or do it yourself). With heating and cooling costs going through the roof, a chance to save a few bucks is a welcome gift.

Alternatively, you might offer to pay for a home energy audit, smart temperature controls, or other tools that will teach the person to reduce their home energy bills.

For example, get them a programmable thermostat. Why waste the money to heat or cool an empty house? Set it up once, and a programmable thermostat does the job without someone having to remember to turn the temperature up and down all the time.

17. Reusable Lunch Tote

A chic lunch tote and accessories (including sandwich boxes, utensils, thermos/bottle, and napkins) make bringing lunch to work or school fun. If you have people in your life who are still going to work / school during COVID times, then they may find it really hard to figure out the lunch situation. This can help!

18. Cloth Napkins / Towels

You can eliminate the need for your recipient to buy paper napkins and paper towels by giving them attractive cloth substitutes. Many sizes and designs are available to suit different styles and tastes. Moreover, they can be tossed in the wash with the regular laundry, so they don’t add much to the chore load.

19. Rechargeable Batteries with Charger

Your gift recipient will never have to buy batteries again if you get them this gift. Purchase one or more common battery sizes (such as AA).

Have you noticed that many of the items that your gift recipients money also help save the planet? Good things help in more ways than one!

20. Gas

Most gas stations now sell gift cards that can be used for their “brand” of fuel at any participating station. Therefore, you can get a gas gift card for someone. Or you might simply offer to take the car out, fill it up, get it detailed, and return it ready to go.

21. Reusable Air Filters

These tend to do a better job than the cheap air filters, plus you can reuse them over and over again with just a simple wash to keep them clean. You’ll save your recipient’s money both in energy costs (these make air systems run more efficiently) and in the cost of replacement filters.

22. CFLs or LEDs

They don’t make a very sexy gift, but CFLs use about 75% less energy than regular bulbs and last ten times longer. Your gift recipient will save on energy costs as well as the cost of bulbs over the long term. Brightening up their home with nice lights that last a long time is a gift that keeps on giving all year long.

23. Low-Flow Devices

Low-flow faucets and showerheads save money on the water bills. These devices have come a long way and now come in massaging and other fancy varieties that make good gifts.

24. Supplies For Their Hobby

What does your gift recipient love to do in their spare time? Buy them the supplies to support that hobby. For example, get yarn for a knitter or crocheter. If you know someone who scrapbooks, purchase tape and papers for them.

Of course, if you’re not sure what supplies they like, you might get them a gift card to a craft supply store instead.

This gift shows that you know them and value their interests. Moreover, it saves them money on doing something that they love.

25. A Paid Day Off

Many people don’t get paid for the days that they don’t go to work. Some people have a job that has very limited paid vacation or sick days. Other people work for themselves, are stay-at-home parents, or otherwise don’t have the option to take a paid day off. Therefore, any time they need to “call in sick” they feel guilty and stressed.

Make up some personalized coupons to give them a paid day off. Pay their salary for X amount of days during the year to give them the stress-free option of taking a day to themselves.

26. Education

Give someone the gift of an education. This could mean starting a college fund. However, it might also mean paying for some professional development courses that a friend has always wanted to take. It might simply mean paying for a few online workshops to boost someone’s resume. You’ll save the cost of the classes. Moreover, with better education, they might earn more down the line.

27. Donate to Charity in Their Name

Do you know someone who always loves to give to others? Perhaps they can’t do that this year. Maybe they don’t have the extra money that they usually spend. Or perhaps they usually volunteer in person but COVID has limited their options. Save money and stress by donating to their favorite charity in their name. For example, this year people in my support network are donating to Dressember to help me fight human trafficking.

28. Create a Themed Basket

Some of my best gifts have been big boxes or gift baskets filled with items that have a theme. For example, I once got a gift basket full of nothing but pet supplies. It was all stuff I would have bought at some point, but it saved me the money and time on doing so.

I’ve given boxes filled with office supplies to people who have their own businesses and gift baskets of cleaning supplies and household goods to people buying new homes. I’ve given gifts of toiletries and toiletry totes to kids going away to college and boxes filled with “green” items to those looking to change their lifestyles. You can make gift baskets for new babies with diapers, wipes, tissue, and other supplies. Useful items can be grouped and packaged in interesting and attractive ways to make great, creative gifts.

It’s great to give something like this because, if it’s all things the recipient would have bought at some point, it saves them the money. Plus, it recognizes something important happening in a person’s life right now.

Why Buy Gifts That Save Money For The Recipient

These ideas aren’t only for Christmas. Gifts that save money are welcome on birthdays, graduations, baby showers, and other occasions, as well.

To come up with gifts that save your recipient’s money, think of the things that you spend money on, and then come up with a creative way to make that a gift. Chances are your recipient has to spend money on that category or item as well, and will be relieved to avoid or reduce the expense.

I much prefer a gift that helps me save money over receiving another knick-knack that I have no need for and have to clean. Don’t you? It’s great to think of ways to save money on your gift-giving, but if your gifts can save your recipient’s money at the same time, you’ll be doing them a great service.

Give the gift of savings! Learn more

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How to Know if You Are Being Financially Manipulated

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financially manipulated

Abuse is an extremely prevalent issue in the United States. Since most of the coverage of domestic and elder abuse is focused on physical and emotional manifestations, financial abuse is often overlooked. This obscurity is compounded by financial abuse being easily disguised as a “cultural difference” or hidden behind the “we don’t discuss finances with strangers” veil. Since money can be such a touchy and private subject, revealing financial abuse can be a tall task. So, how do you know if you are being financially manipulated?

The Small Signs

Allowances

This is one of the signs that is often dismissed as a sort of “budgeting tool”. Giving the non-working spouse or elder an allowance seems like a somewhat harmless annoyance. In reality, it can be a tool to exert financial control over a victim by restricting their ability to spend. This tool can often lead to the victim being unable to afford basic necessities without permission from their abuser. This is how the abuser can maintain behavioral control over their victim.

Not Allowing You to Earn an Income

If a spouse or caretaker is demanding that you make no money, they may be financially manipulating you. While there are sensible reasons for a spouse to ask that you not work, like wanting someone home to take care of children, the line is crossed when any income made provokes a resistance from your spouse. This means that your time and priorities are the problem, the fact that you have money coming in on your own is.

The Larger Signs

Complete Control Over Spending

When a spouse or caretaker demands that they have control over all cash, cards, and credit resources, you are potentially being financially manipulated. This, like the tool before it, gives the abuser complete dominion over pretty much every aspect of the victim’s life. As a result, the victim is reluctant to report the abuse, and powerless to change it, as they have no access to survive without their abuser. So, make your that you have a tool where you can track your spending and also automatically save from small spares like Digit. This will help you save your own money.

Stealing Your Identity/Money

This is an obvious red flag. If your spouse or caretaker is stealing from you in any way, it needs to be reported. If the goal is to repair the relationship, that can be accomplished after the problem is solved, and both partners are safe. When your identity is stolen, it can do permanent and irreparable damage to your financial future. This cannot be allowed, and must be reported when you are being financially manipulated.

What Can I Do?

If you have been a victim of financial abuse as an elder, you can report it to the National Adult Protective Services Association. They will ensure you have the resources and legal recourse against your abuser.

If you financial abuse is relational, you can reach out to the Domestic Abuse Hotline. There, you will speak to experienced abuse counselors who can map out the next steps for you.

In both cases, it helps to reach out to family and friends that you can trust immediately. Getting yourself out of the situation, and possibly even getting financial assistance, will pave the easiest path to taking back control of your situation. This, in conjunction with reporting it to the relevant authorities, is what you must do if you are a victim of any form of abuse.

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How to Deal With Financially Irresponsible Parents

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Financially Irresponsible Parents

As an adult, you take it upon yourself to deal with your finances. Unfortunately, not all adults do the same thing. And perhaps it’s not a skill that you learned from your parents. In fact, many adults today struggle with the fact that they have financially irresponsible parents. Families are complicated. Money is complicated. Therefore, money can get really complicated in families. But it’s possible to find ways to work through those challenges.

Identify The Problem

The first thing that you need to do when it comes to dealing with financially irresponsible parents is to identify the problem. Why does their financial situation bother you? What are the deeper underlying emotions and fears that make this such a challenging issue for you? After all, some people would just say, “well, that’s their problem” and not worry about it.

How to Identify The Problem

You want to do two things when identifying the problem:

  1. Identify the tangible problem. What are the actual issues arising in your parents lives right now due to their financial choices?
  2. Identify the emotional problem. What’s going on with you emotionally in your reactions?

Many of us know that many is a logical tangible thing and yet we respond to it emotionally. When dealing with financially irresponsible parents, you may react strongly with anger, frustration, overwhelm, anxiety, guilt, stress, irritation or a bunch of mixed feelings. Some of those feelings probably date back to childhood. Others may be valid responses to the situation. But in order to deal with financially responsible parents, you need to sort that out.

Common Concerns About Financially Irresponsible Parents

So ask yourself very specifically, “what are my concerns about my parents?” Common worries include:

  • I will have to take care of them financially in the future. (Perhaps you already do so.)
  • They aren’t going to be able to afford a good quality of life, including medical care.
  • It’s frustrating to work so hard to be financially savvy when they’ve never done so.
  • It irritates me that they don’t know how to take care of their money.
  • My spouse and I are constantly fighting because of my parents or in-laws money choices.
  • I feel obligated to help my parents financially but I’m angry about it.

Addressing the Problem

Once you’ve sorted out the emotions from the actual financial difficulties, it’s time to address the problem.

You might want to address the emotional aspects through therapy. After all, the better that you’re able to handle the conversations about money, the better those conversations will go. You don’t have control over what your parents do or how they engage with you. However, you do have control over your reactions. Managing your reactions can help improve the entire relationship. So, consider working through your childhood and ongoing family issues about money in therapy.

Someday, of course, you might want to address the emotional content with your parents as well. But first handle the tangible stuff. Figure out the exact issues you want to address. Then ask your parents if they’re willing to have a conversation with you about your concerns. Hopefully, they’ll agree and you can have a calm conversation. If not, some families find that using text messages, voice mails, emails, and handwritten letters can get difficult conversations started.

Steps for Addressing the Problem

If your parents are willing to talk, here are the steps that you can take to address the problem:

  • Use an I statement to express your concern. “I feel worried about (this aspect of your money) because I care about you.”
  • Be very clear and precise about the thing that concerns you. If you have multiple concerns, consider addressing one at a time. For example, “I feel worried when you spend a lot of money on travel because I’m afraid that you won’t have money leftover to pay the mortgage off after you retire.”
  • Ask your parents if they feel the same concern. Listen thoroughly to their response. After all, you might discover that they have a retirement plan you didn’t even know about. Even if you don’t, you need to know if you’re even remotely on the same page.
  • If you both share the concern, brainstorm ways to solve the problem.
  • If your parents don’t share your concern, ask if you can give them some examples of why you’re worried. Be descriptive. “It seemed like you paid about $5000 for your last vacation. I was thinking about how that $5000 could go towards paying down the mortgage. That way, when you retire, you won’t have to pay that big bill. My concern is that you’ll struggle with those payments once your current level of income isn’t coming in.”
  • Try to come to an agreement. Practice patience and kindness.

Additional Tips for Addressing the Problem

Every family is different. Therefore, addressing problems with financially irresponsible parents will look different in each family. Your culture, your family dynamics, and your styles of communication will all come into play. Therefore, here are some additional things to consider when dealing with financially irresponsible parents.

  • One or more of the siblings (the parents’ children) might be the best one(s) to have this conversation. Can you work together?
  • It might be better to approach one parent or the other first in some families.
  • It’s important to be sensitive to the many relationship dynamics at play. If your parents are separated, divorced or remarried, more people are in the picture. If your parents’ parents are still alive, they may be involved financially. If you have siblings and step and half and adoptive siblings, there’s more at play. Try to get a sense of the big picture of family finances.
  • Some people prefer information over advice. Consider sending your parents articles and books about finances instead of discussing the issue directly.
  • Speak with professionals about your legal and financial options. For example, if you want to help your parents financially but don’t want to hand them cash, how can you set up a bank account that would enable you to do this? Or, if you’re paying for your parents to live with you, can you count them as dependents on your tax returns? Figure out what options you have.

Set Boundaries and Let It Go

Remember: You can only help them if you want to help them and if they want you to help them.

Do all that you can to deal with your financially irresponsible parents. Work with them. Express your love and concern. Figure out if there are tangible ways that you can help improve their financial situation. But, also, know when to step aside.

Your parents are adults. They are allowed to make their own choices. (Of course, if competence, age-related memory decline, etc. are at play then that’s a different – and much more complicated – story. Seek help from professionals working in that area of law and finance to proceed.)

At some point, you have to set your own boundaries. For example, you might determine that you’re not going to help your parents pay their bills. It’s too frustrating that they waste their money and then can’t cover the rent at the end of the month. While you don’t want them to be out on the street, at some point that might have to be your boundary. You can lovingly set boundaries. Again, therapy can assist with this.

And then, you have to find a way to make peace with the situation. It does no good to have anxiety over things which you can’t control. While you can keep trying to chip away at the problem, you also need to find ways to refocus on your own life. Practice self-care. Improve your own relationships and finances. It is never easy dealing with financially irresponsible parents. Nevertheless, they don’t have to interfere with your health, happiness, or money.

And one more thing, if you have children of your own, make sure to break the cycle. Have conversations with them early and often about finances. Open the doors of communication about money.

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How to Teach Your Spender Spouse to Save

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Teach Your Spender Spouse to Save

You are a saver. Your spouse is a spender. The differences are creating havoc in your marriage. Can you teach your spender spouse to save?

Can You Change Someone Else?

Before we get into some tips to help you teach your spender spouse to save, we have to acknowledge something: you can’t truly change someone else. You can encourage change. You can ask for change. There are many things that you can do to prompt change. But, ultimately, the only person that you can change is yourself.

So, before you go about trying to teach your spender spouse to save, you need to get them on board. If they flat out have zero interest in saving money, then you have a bigger problem on your hands. Many couples lose their relationships to money battles. If you’re at a standstill, then you may need couples therapy to help you get through the battle.

Change Yourself First

Since you can’t change someone else, the most important thing is first to do what you can to change yourself. Of course, this doesn’t mean that all of a sudden you will stop saving and start spending. But it does mean that you take an honest look at yourself before you try to teach your spender spouse to save.

Some questions to ask yourself include:

    • What do saving and spending mean to me? There’s often an underlying emotional component. For example, if you understand that saving means security to you but spending means freedom to your spouse then you can come together to address the deeper issue.
    • Why is saving important to me? How can I clearly express this to my partner in a way that they’ll understand?
    • What about my partner’s spending is upsetting to me? How can I clearly, and fairly, express my concerns without blaming my partner?
    • Is there anything that I can do differently without any aid from my spouse to address my concerns?
    • What will I be willing to compromise about in order to take my spouse’s needs and desires into consideration?


Tips to Get Your Spouse on Board

Doing that inner work first will go a long way towards getting your spouse on board. Here are some additional tips:

  • Ask your spouse to set a meeting with you to talk about money. This should be a non-confrontational meeting scheduled when you both have time and energy to devote to it.
  • Use “I statements.” They may feel cheesy but they work. “You statements” blame the other person.
  • Even better, ask your spouse if you can discuss your financial goals as “we statements.” In other words, remember that you and your spouse are a team and money is the problem you’re working together to solve. You aren’t each other’s enemies.
  • Ask your spouse if they have some concerns about saving and spending that they would like to bring to the table. Be generous and listen closely to what they have to say.
  • Express why saving is important to you. Ask your spouse if they are willing to work on this with you.

Tips to Teach Your Spender Spouse to Save

If your spouse is even a little bit willing to make some changes, then yes, you can teach your spender spouse to save. Here are some good tips that can help you along the way:

Make it Convenient to Save

The more convenient something is for us, the more likely we are to do it. That’s just human nature. Some of the ways to make savings more convenient include:

  • Automate your savings. Make an agreement with your spouse to channel a specific amount of money into savings each month. Set it up to happen automatically.
  • Install money-saving apps on your spouse’s phone. For example, use an app that rounds up your purchases and deposits the extra into savings.
  • Ask your spouse if they would like you to handle certain shopping. For example, if your spouse always spends extra at the grocery store, would you both be willing to have you do the grocery shopping? It’s more convenient for them, since they don’t have to shop, and you get to control the grocery spending.
  • Track your spending each month. Use your bank statements and credit card bills to track spending for both of you. Make it easy for your spouse to see where the money goes each month. Don’t blame or shame; just make the information available.

Make a Trade or Compromise

Ask your spouse what they think about your shared finances. Find out how they feel about saving and spending. Then ask them what they wish was different. Find a way to trade them for what they want.

For example, you might discover that they don’t want to spend willy nilly on everything. However, they’re afraid that if they focus too much on saving then you’ll never have any fun together. Brainstorm some ways to guarantee that you’ll have that fun – date nights, travel plans, etc. Then make an agreement that if you set a budget for those then you’ll stick to that budget.

When you’re in two different places, see if you can come to a compromise.

Decide if an Allowance Works For You Both

Some couples agree that the saver will handle the finances and give the spender an allowance. Other couples agree that they each have a certain amount of allowance that they don’t have to discuss with each other before spending. See if an allowance option works for both of you. It can be problematic in some households but helpful in others. Note that it only works for the marriage if both of you think it’s the right plan.

Make it a Game

Finances don’t have to be boring. Make saving more fun for both of you by taking on some money-saving challenges together. You may find ways to compete with one another for savings if your spouse is motivated by competition. Or perhaps you can find challenges that will allow you to work together to meet a savings goal. When you meet your goals, enjoy a reward of your spouse’s choosing.

Use tools that Make you Save

There are a lot of tools that can make you and your spouse save and one of this is using VPN when travelling or doing private transactions online. VPN is the only tool to secure users private data and avoid data leak or minor the risk to get malware or any other way of fraud. Great option of a VPN while saving money, as Atlas vpn is the cheapest on the market.

Praise, Don’t Blame

Nobody wants to be shamed for their actions, especially by their spouse. We all prefer positive reinforcement. So, when you see your spouse making a choice that involves saving over spending, acknowledge it. You don’t have to make a big deal out of it. You certainly don’t want to be patronizing. But it’s nice to say, “I noticed that you saved in this way and I really appreciate that you heard how important that is to me and acted on it. I love you.”

Ask for Professional Help

Sometimes you can’t teach your spender spouse to save because the two of you just can’t get on the same communication page when it comes to money. It’s time to get help. Help could be in the form of:

  • A marriage counselor who works specifically with money issues
  • Financial planners that work with couples
  • An unbiased friend, mentor, or family member who can help you work through the challenges

What are some of the other ways that you can teach your spender spouse to save? Share what has (and hasn’t) worked for you in the comments. Or, if you’re the spender, give us your thoughts on this tricky topic!

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If you enjoy reading our blog posts and would like to try your hand at blogging, we have good news for you; you can do exactly that on Saving Advice. Just click here to get started. If you want to be able to customize your blog on your own domain and need hosting service, we recommend trying BlueHost. They offer powerful hosting services for $3.95/month!