Several years ago, my husband paid for a pizza entirely in change. It wasn’t that he didn’t have any money left at the end of the week; on the contrary, he had just deposited his paycheck in the bank that evening. He simply wanted to use his change and save his bills. Had I been along, I might have been a bit embarrassed to see him counting out his quarters and dimes, but the pizza shop clerk didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he expressed sympathy with another young man who appeared to be just barely scraping by.
My embarrassment over counting out so much change comes more from holding up those behind me in line than from appearing cheap. (I don’t worry nearly as much about appearing cheap as many people do.) I am, however, often aware of the reactions of those around me when I act frugally in public. The assumptions others make about my frugality — usually that I have much less money than I actually do — can be a benefit to me.
Even those who are not pinching pennies know that it’s wise to dress down when shopping for a car. Appearing too rich can make the prices go up in a bargaining situation. In fact, appearing poor can help you negotiate as a buyer — if the seller thinks you can’t afford much more than the lowest price he’s willing to give, he is likely to offer you that price rather than lose the deal.
Sometimes, people who observe my family’s frugal habits take pity on us and offer us freebies. I think that might be what happened recently, when a couple at a neighboring table at a fast food restaurant offered us a kids’ meal toy after seeing our family of four share two sandwiches, six pieces of chicken nuggets, and a large cola among us. We had based our order on the typical appetite of our children and a desire not to waste much money on overpriced drinks or kids’ meals, but it probably looked like we had cleared out our wallets to pay for the meal. Others might have been embarrassed to appear unable to afford kids’ meals for their children, but the knowledge that we were saving money to benefit them in the future outweighed any fear of looking poor or cheap.
Occasionally, appearing poor can backfire, with salespeople ignoring you completely. However, it can be very satisfying to see a good salesperson earn a big commission from your purchase right after someone else snubs you. My husband and I chose our realtor at home show because he took the time to talk with us, even though we appeared too young to have saved enough for a down payment on a house. I sometimes wish that the realtor in the neighboring booth, who dismissed our initial questions to talk with a wealthier-looking prospect, could have seen us signing closing papers on a mid-priced house shortly thereafter.
Like my husband getting sympathy from the pizza clerk, I can use my frugal habits to build rapport with others who like to save money, no matter how much they have in the bank. Whether it’s someone behind a counter who offers me a special deal that she knows a frugal person would appreciate or a fellow shopper who is eager to pass on news of other bargains in the area, like-minded savers are good acquaintances to make.
Though I don’t act poor or play up my money saving habits just to get sympathy from others, I am not offended if someone offers me a lower price or a freebie as “charity.” After all, I can never be really sure that the motive was anything other than simple generosity. If I do receive a bargain out of pity, I graciously accept the gift as an act of kindness, and when I am able, I do a favor for someone else, as well.
Image courtesy of gordasm
This is just a poor excuse for justifying not having the finer things in life. You should be embarrassed to pretend to be poor when you really aren’t and you don’t need to do those things. If you have the money, you need to set standards for yourself or you will always be poor.
I hate it when I go into a store and the sales person turns up their nose because I happen to be in my yard clothes that day. It’s a sure way to make sure that I never shop at that store again.
My family and I are frugal by necessity. We often split food, but rather than pity most people look at us in disgust. When we first moved here people were kind enough, but now people act as if they are better. The funny thing is my home is paid off, my car too. When I here about how “poor” they are they can’t make the mortgage, but I see them drinking 5 dollar coffees, I must confess I tend to snub them.
Honestly, who cares what people think. As long as you’re taking care of your own, it’s no ones buisness how one spends (or saves)their own money. How someone may view you is just their perception, and looks can be very decieving.
I’m not bothered by “looking cheap”, but it does bother me when that imposes on others. The pizza guy may have been sympathetic to a (supposedly) poor guy who could only pay in change, but it was probably very inconvenient and time consuming for him to deal with $10 or $20 in coins. It probably took time out of his shift, and maybe money out of his pocket, if he had to make fewer deliveries because he had to wait around for your husband to count out all those pennies and nickels. I hope you gave him a good tip.
A stranger paid for my meal once, because I had been caught recording my expenses and savings goals in my budget book in a restaurant.
I don’t know about this. There is still a lot of stigma and people that look down on those that are poor. I think this could have negative effects like not being able to socialize with those that are wealthy so you can better increase your own wealth. I don’t think it is a positive thing to want to portray that you are poor even if you aren’t.
I notice that you don’t get treated nearly as well if people think you are poor. People can be obnoxiously rude. I think it’s a lot harder to ignore than this article makes it out to be, especially if you really are poor and not just looking it. I don’t think it should be anyone’s goal to “look poor” but I understand that doing the financially correct actions sometimes will make you look poorer than you really are.
I sometimes feel less embarrassed using a lot of change than using a credit card. This shows the cashier that I do have the money to pay. (If I use credit I’m costing them money in fees and they may also think I’m irresponsibly running up my CC debt.)
Many times cashiers will thank me for coinage because they tend to give more away than they receive. It saves them time from having to open new coin rolls.
it is more important to be financialy stable than it is for others to think you are
pretending to have more money than you do is far worse than living at or below your means
I would never consider someone who is eating out poor it is the most expensive way to eat
My husband is a builder and wears work clothes. Several times he has gone to a car dealership to buy a new car and can not get any service because of the way he dresses. Last month, he wanted to buy a new van. After getting snubbed, he called the dealership and asked for a different salesman. He got the new van two days later.
I would think that the ideal solution in not to give any impression at all. Keep them guessing. I don’t know if I want to give the appearance of being poor. That’s a mindset that you have to be careful of and especially for children. I have a family member that has that mentality and she never seems to get out of her financial ruts. I want for my children to have goals and know that they can reach them. But I also want them to know that there are ways of reaching your goals that won’t bankrupt your finances. There’s a fine line in there somewhere.
I would rather give the impression of being poor than rich.. I dislike the current impression some have of my family in that we can afford to float a loan for 200 to the scouts, makes us rich..in truth it is money we can spare, but only because we act so poor in so many other ways. (I would rather that money was sitting in the ‘baby fund’)
We often get free kids toys or free kids deserts, because our kids eat more than a kids meal, and we don’t need 3 identical toys…but folks assume it is a cost thing, and if the kids are behaving we end up with free stuff.
Interesting. When I saw the title, I was thinking of how I’m less afraid driving through marginal parts of town in my fifteen-year-old car than I might be in something newer.
It’s legal tender which is all that matters. Personally, I find I spend less when using change for some of my purchases.
This happened to me about a year or two ago: A well-dressed shopper, ahead of me in line at a grocery store, was snarling at the fact that a family who was at the check-out was having to put back groceries.
She looked at me, saw my “office clothes” and my briefcase, and said “Can you believe it? They bought more than they had money for.”
“Well, I’ve been there, done that,” I said.
And I went back to sorting my coupons.
While I didn’t have any money to spare for the family in need, I made it very clear that it wasn’t nice to speak ill of them.
I live in Studio City, a land where some people who dress like they have no money; actually have more than enough money for themselves and several generations to come. I’ve noticed that the really rich people here don’t always flaunt it, in fact it’s the opposite, and they too are dressed in their yard clothes. I’ve learned not to judge a book by its cover.
When I see someone driving an expensive car, I *almost* feel sorry for them. Too bad the bank owns their car. I own my VW.
It’s one thing to get a bargain from a salesperson, but it’s entirely another to allow other families to offer you a “freebie” based on a mistaken assumption that you really need a handout. I feel that’s deceptive and takes advantage of others’ generosity, which might otherwise go to someone who really could use it.
I prefer to look “wealthy” on a “poor” income, by purchasing expensive clothing at Goodwill!
I don’t want to have anyone feeling sorry for me.
I love this post and I applaud the author. My man and I split entrees not only to save money but because we don’t need that much food, we save calories as well as cash. And I agree, who cares what others think? It makes sense to enjoy eating out and trying new foods if you don’t break the bank in the process.
I agree with Fern. Some of you seem proud that you get free things from people who obviously think you are financially strapped, which is not very nice or honest. It’s good that the author passes this generosity on, and I encourage everyone else to do the same.
Good for you! So many people are in debt now because they buy what they can not afford. What a Simple Happy way to live. In my mind there is no “Standard” for living, except to be kind and help others, if you can. In Peace, Debra
This reminds me so much of when I was remodeling my kitchen. I stopped at a big name home improvement store and asked the lady at the kichen cabinet department to quote me some prices. She wouldn’t even get off her bottom to speak to me and waved her hand off in a direction ans told me “the stock cabinets are over there” I asked her yet again to quote me some prices and she did the same thing. I walked out of the the store in disgust that she was too lazy to even speak to someone who wasn’t dressed as if they could afford the custom cabinetry. Needless to say another store willing to talk to me got the order for my custom kitchen cabinet. Oh yes, that store a national one, was out of business by the end of the year.
I see nothing wrong with graciously receiving freebies if offered. Some kids are taken to fast food restaurants daily–just how many kids meal toys do they need? As long as you aren’t asking for a discount, freebie, etc. there is no reason not be gracious and accept a gift that blesses the giver.
LOL! I’d never thought of it that way before. Do you think people are really feeling sorry for my kids when I make them share a cheeseburger and fries? Never thought of it that way. Just don’t see the point in buying more food than two under-5’s can eat. And we do NOT need more toys.
I can definitely relate to the salesperson snub, too. I don’t dress poor, but I don’t look like I have a lot of money to spend, either. This means salespeople leave me alone so I can enjoy my shopping in peace. And I do always enjoy the occasional salesperson who is down-to-earth enough to be nice to me even though I haven’t had my hair highlighted in 10 years and my jeans come from Goodwill.
Wealthman, get over yourself. For some people, money is a key to security and enjoyment, not social status. Sounds like you’re a fairly insecure little man if you’d be embarrassed for people you don’t even know to think you don’t have a lot of money. Go ahead and feed your ego. Hope your money doesn’t run out too soon. The rest of us will be ok without your shallow advice. The folks who look down on me because I’m “poor” are usually a lot poorer than I am. Joke’s on them, not me.
I THINK WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS GREAT. WE HAVE HAD SIMILAR MOMENTS AT MCDONALDS. KIDS MEALS ARE OVERPRICED. KIDS ONLY CARE ABOUT THE TOY MAYBE FOR A DAY. THEN THEY BEG FOR A NEW TOY. MY KIDS HAVE TONS OF TOYS BUT YOU HAVE TO DRAW A LINE AT SOME POINT. BEFORE IT EATS UP ALL THAT DOUGH YOU EARN .
I worked as a brokerage assistant for several years and learned a valuable lesson while there. The clients with millions of dollars in their accounts often dressed like “bums” while the ones who barely had two nickels to rub together dressed in expensive clothes and drove cars they could barely afford. I was forced to admit to myself that my initial impression of “wealth” was incorrect. Wealthy people do not need to flaunt their wealth. They KNOW they are rich. So, I now emulate them by pinching pennies, investing in stocks, and dressing for comfort, not to impress others.
‘The quality of a man can be seen in the way he treats those who are of no possible value to him.’
I do not act or try to look poor, but my wife and I live on about 20k a year and make about a 100k. Simply because as our wealth grew we did not increase our lifestyle. In fact we found ways to be more frugal. I will not associate with people that look down on people for having less money. They are Rude self centered people with poor morals. Those that do take the time or are sympathetic to those who are of a perceived lower station deserve to be richly rewarded and as soon as my house is paid off (after 5 years, the 100k is a new thing it was much less 5 years ago) I fully intend to spread some money around to those who are nice to ‘poor people’ like myself.
I personally don’t try to dress down in order for people feel sorry for me. I could really care less. If they don’t want to give me a deal on a car because of what I am wearing – I am sure there are plenty of car lots around that will give me the deal I want. I can’t stand it when people judge me cause of what I am wearing or what I am spending or not spending. Therefore, it would be a double standard if I tried to mislead them as being something/someone I am not.
I have found just being myself (and my family being myself) we have had many blessings come our way. There was a time we went out to eat (everyone had their own meals) and the waitress came to us and told us a man wanted to pay for our meal just because we looked like a nice family. There was another time an old lady came by our table and gave us $20 to get the kids desert after dinner. We weren’t being cheap and we certainly weren’t begging for anything.
My point is – more blessings come your way if you just be yourself rather than try and mislead everyone.
It seems to me that the basic point is to be polite and respectful to everyone, not only when it seems “worth your while.” It is always worth your while to treat others with respect. A little generosity towards others is also never amiss.
After all, the inherent dignity of the human spirit matters far more than the cost of the trappings that accompany it.
I’d rather look poor but enjoy a peaceful life without financial problems rather than look rich but cannot rest well because of financial stress.
I would say I am a good bargain hunter who may wear an originally expensive clothing or shoes which I bought on sale…example 34.99 blouse, on clearance sale for 4.99…if I like the style, I buy several in different colors. I shop at Macy’s and Payless shoe Source and will drive my 1990 Honda Civic as long as I can to pay off my mortgage in 10 years. I don’t care about other people’s perception, my self-esteem is more important.
Once I went into a mom-and-pop type taqueria, ordered my lunch, and had my change counted correctly and was ready to pay with them – the cashier, whom I assumed was the owner, refused to accept my payment because they were in coins! Unbelievable. The last time I checked coins are still legal tender. Needless to say, I will never patronize this eatery again – not even with bills.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33490
As You Can See From My Name-Brand Clothing, I Am Not Poor
Here’s the fudamental problem. We buy more than we eat; our houses are bigger than we need (cut me slack…I’m in AZ…OUR houses are too big); we buy SUV’s so we have room for all of our camping stuff twice a year; Our problem is consumption. So when you speak of being frugal, my heart sings. I come from a family that was poor, but I never knew it. That’s because even with 6 brothers and sisters, we had all the pb&j we could eat, a couple pairs of jeans, a car with 4 wheels and a motor, parents who chose to care about US rather than their image, and passed on their values to boot. Do you think most of the rest of the world would have viewed us as poor? Are you kidding? In our arrogance, we act like we deserve so much, simply because we live in a wealthy society. We treat indulgence as a right of passage. I’m rich – REALLY rich. And when we go out to dinner we split a meal – our kids split meals and we have consequences for ordering more than you are willing to eat. If we would teach our kids to appreciate what they have, to help others, and to use the wealth God has given us for better things than waste…well, I think (or at least hope) you get my point.
I think ‘wealthman’ is an idiot. I bet he’s got more debt than 3 other ppl combined, because he’s so concerned about appearances. Why should I have to dress and act according to HIS opinion? He’s the reason the US is in the state that it is right now, keeping up with the Joneses. I’m going to be debt free in 5 years, and he’ll be passing his on to his kids. Poor kids. ‘the finer things in life’? What’s finer than a beautiful mountain meadow, or watching my son playing with our chickens? (We live in a million+ city) Jerks like that deserve to lose their houses because they’ve wasted all their $$ on crap.
TxFrugal,
If it makes you feel better thinking that, feel free to do so, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m debt free including a fully paid for house and a nice savings account. I earned my money and enjoy the finer things and just because I can doesn’t mean I’m in debt. That’s the problem – you justify you looking poor with a false assumtion.
I really don’t care what people think about me! You mean to tell me that by looking at me in 15 seconds someone can draw a conclusion about my finances??? How stupid can people be? I very often like to wear dirty looking ripped jeans because they are my favorite. I also like to use the loose change in my pocket to pay for coffee and small items because I simply do not like the change weighing in my pockets! So does that make people think I am poor? How shallow! I often have at least $500 in cash on me and am able to buy anything that I want.
I never thought of myself as frugal, but reading the posts, I must be. My husband and I make over $100K/year together, but we live on far less. We put away about 12% for our retirement and are paying for most of our son’s college. We had one kid, partly because that’s what God gave us and partly because we are literally putting all our eggs in one basket. We live in a small condo instead of a much more expensive house we could afford and drive used vehicles. We started spliting meals and eating at home because we were tired of being fat. With gas prices spiking and only going to go higher, our frugal habits are paying off.
What’s interesting to me in these posts is the assumption that unlimited capitalism is a good thing. The TV would have you believe we should all live like kings. I’ve found much more happiness in a mindful life that gives me time to play and learn rather than acquire and then worry about how best to display or store my mountains of useless stuff.
wealthman: “personal finance” is PERSONAL. Some people believe that the finer things in life aren’t for sale and can’t be bought. Living frugally is not synonymous with “pretending to be poor,” which is obvious to those of us less materialistic than you sound as though you may be.
“If you have the money, you need to set standards for yourself or you will always be poor.” – This doesn’t actually make sense, but I know what you mean. Standards are relative, so if someone chooses to live below his or her means, why does this bother you?
As wealthman said, his stuff is paid for and he choses to afford the “finer things”. If that is what he values and can afford it, more power to him. How he chooses to percieve others’ motives for dressing down or not making the same choices he has made is his business.
As long as you aren’t trying to deceive people, dress however you want and pay however you want.
I know for a fact that the doors open wide when people know you have money. But by the same token, character is revealed in volumes by how people treat you when they think you are poor. I prefer to look poor.
The attitude expressed by wealthman is sooo old-fashioned. Get with the times, man! Conspicuous consumption was de-frocked over 100 years ago. I’m the one with the finer things – a great collection of music, pictures from a dozen trips to Europe, Asia, and Africa, a glob of close friends, healthful food, and because I gave away all my cars and walk to work everyday and take the bus to school, a really satisfying relationship with Mother Earth.
I’d rather be practical (frugal habits) than typical any way I can $$$
I’ve become the frugal, cheapskate of my and my husband’s marriage.
I was the recipient, when in high school shopping for my junior prom dress, of a coupon. It saved me over $50 on my dress. I wasn’t poor, I didn’t act poor…but I was a 17y/o female, shopping on my own for formalware, and I suppose that the woman ahead of me felt that I shouldn’t have to spend quite so much of my own money (it was Mom’s, but I never told her that). It was one of the best Random Acts of Kindness.
My husband and I are in debt — yea, sure it will take a few years to get out, but we have a gameplan on how to get rid of it. And my frugality winds up being the answer. My shopping the grocery store ads, my paying in change (I’m at the airport 1-2x per month to get him from work so parking adds up), my rolling change and then turning it in for the green stuff….and while I do like my Starbucks, it has become a treat, maybe once a month if that often, and normally only when I am meeting someone.
You do what you need to in order to be frugal, in order to save. Who cares as to others opinions of you. 🙂
With gas prices and ARM rates and groceries at sky high prices, I am now not just frugal, I AM poor. My middle class income just won’t take the pinch.
Wealthman, it may amaze you to hear that I don’t give a flip about you or how you dress or how much money you make. My friends and I (artists, geeks, and Quakers) think success is based on your giftedness and creativity, not on the number of government trade points you own. Hooray that you have made enough to look the way other shallow people think you should look.
After reading this article, I think my boyfriend and I must be the epitome of frugality. We bought a foreclosed home that is now significantly appreciating in value despite the economy, we sleep on a little single mattress on the floor, we only buy food from discount grocery stores (Grocery Outlet) and stock up like crazy in our 3 freezers. We have one car–an old Nissan Sentra that was paid for the day we bought it ($2,000 bucks) (thoroughly thrashed and paint-chipped), and my boyfriend only uses the bus system to commute to work. We do not have cable. We keep our temperature set at 60 degrees throughout the winter. We both wear older, mostly deteriorating clothing (especially him) and love the occasional, once a year item of clothing at good will. The irony in all of this we are only 26 and 27 and make almost 150K each year. We haven’t a penny of college debt or any other debt except the house and haven’t received a penny from our parents or from any form of inheritance. We have literally thousands and thousands of dollars in all sorts of bank accounts and when people see us and our crappy car and dress style, they treat us like complete paupers. It is so fun being able to trick people and/or watch people judge us. What’s really fun is being young and knowing that we have so much disposable income–don’t get me wrong, we splurge on things here and there–but for the most part, we like unduly frugally. It takes two united minds to living a frugal, financially disciplined lifestyle.
Wow, another one who thinks like I do! Yep, I also do the sharing meals thing, and for those who turn up their noses at it, I say, it’s my money, not yours, and I have learned not to care what others think.
I also don’t shy away from reporting poor service, which can garner its own rewards (like free coupons).
What it comes down to are what are your values–are you going to be insecure like the women of Wisteria Lane–or are you going to dance to your own drummer and do what’s right for you.
My point is that there is no reason to look poor if you have money. You don’t have to spend a lot of money not to look poor. You can get designer clothes at a consignment shop if you want, or even decent clothes. The only reason that people dress to look poor when they can afford it is to feel superior to others. I think that is totally wrong.
I just don’t care how ppl look at me (rich or poor). I wear whatever comfortable and do whatever I feel like to. I don’t pretend to be poor or acted like I am rich but I just be cheeky and get my own way. I enjoy saving money and getting bargains it’s like a hobby or sometimes a challenge/game/target for me. Also set a good example for my children.
But sometimes being rich is a good bargaining point. When I buy my second house, I told the seller i don’t need mortgages, you give me 10% discount, I can do a bank transfer today before 5pm…(They want to sell ASAP). The person worked in the estate agency thought I was joking and asked for my bank statement to prove it, I rang the bank and tell them to fax it through. He looked at the statements and looked at me again(30 years old wearing a short trousers, dirty t-shirt and slippers, lived not far away, just finished gardening). And his hand was shaking and said ok. I got the house. It’s not the most expensive house in town, but it’s the largest and one of the best location in town.
Poor is often a state of mind, and by over-focusing on appearances and others’ reactions, I would say you are certainly not wealthy. I have a healthy respect for frugality, but it is as ugly to flaunt unecessarily as is wealth. I have lived poor most of my life – 3 kids with one below-poverty income in the 80s. “Looking poor”- I assure you from experience- is far far less prosperous than thinking and looking well-off, but doing so gracefully within your budget (classic well made clothes purchased at Goodwill, for example). Grace here is what is lacking, and grace will earn you respect and trust well beyond perceived your income. I have managed to get out of the poverty my parents and theirs were in, and I also learned the value of a rich, thoughtful life lived with dignity, regardless of income. I try to treat others in this way, and I accept nothing less, garden clothes or no. But I never, ever “look poor.”
I perfectly agree with the idea of being debt-free, I have never been in debt and will never hopefully be. But this is just taking it to extreme. You can’t take your wealth with you to the grave. What’s the point of saving that much for retirement? You’ll have kids for that to support you. Well, that depends on the family, I guess.
What worries me most of all is how ‘frugal’ people view wealthy ones. They automatically start to assume that that guy just has a lot of debt, etc, etc… That’s a real bad attitude. As some ‘wealthy’ people think bad about those who are frugal, some frugal think bad about those wealthier, is that better?
Especially about clothes, that’s the first thing people see. If someone is in good clothes I think that he has a good job and overall a smart man. Yes, I ideally continue to believe that wealth is inherently connected with intellect, abilities, etc… And to be successful you need to look successful, period.
And receiving any freebie from other people, that would have been just so embarassing for me.
For me, being rich is being able to afford whatever you want without going into debt. If you can’t do it without debt, you can’t afford it – simple rule. But trying to save on groceries, well, that really loooks poor to me.
Nice article.
We rarely go to fast food restaurants, but I started ordering kids meals at them long before we had a munchkin of our own. It’s plenty of calories for an adult, and often cheaper than buying the sandwich, fries and drink separately. Back in those days, I often would offer my toy to a child in the restaurant not because I thought they were poor but because as an adult, I had no interest in the toy(s) and figured I might as well give them to someone who did. These days, on the rare occurrences that we hit McDonald’s or Wendy’s, I still order a kid’s meal for myself but now I make a point of asking for two different toys so my daughter gets two instead of one. When they only have one toy available, I again try to give the extra one away to someone else.
As for the looking poor part … well, we don’t do it on purpose, but my husband is often in yard clothes on weekends and I dress for comfort and the knowledge that I never know when my kid is going to throw up on me. 🙂 When we were vehicle shopping a couple years ago, we stopped at a Lincoln dealership hoping to gather some brochures and information. The salesman was so rude to us; he told us to wait while they “looked” for a brochure to the vehicle we were semi interested in. After 40 minutes of waiting (I don’t know why we waited so long except they kept telling us just a few more minutes), we finally left. My husband explained to me in the car that when the salesman was asking what other vehicles we were looking at and I named things like the Dodge Grand Caravan we ended up buying, the salesguy was judging us as not being able to afford the Lincoln. Little did he know that my husband earns well over $100,000 a year and we fully intended to pay cash for whatever vehicle we bought.
Because my husband does woodworking as a hobby and we were replacing his pickup with a more family-friendly vehicle, we needed something big enough that he could haul plywood in. so we needed detailed dimensions of the cargo areas of vehicles. The salesmen at the Lincoln dealership just couldn’t seem to conceive of the idea that someone who wanted to be able to haul wood and plywood could afford their precious vehicle and apparently didn’t want to “waste” the brochure for it on us. His loss!! My husband actually really liked the look of the Lincoln we stopped to check out and, if the cargo area was wide enough, may well have been willing to fork over the extra cash for the nicer car.
I’m *so* happy he didn’t get a commission off us, but I regret that I didn’t have time/energy to call the dealership owner/manager and explain what his employees’ snobbery had cost them.
I’ve been on the “giving” end of the kid’s meal toy transaction.
We try to be fruga, we’ve discovered that for our kid it’s cheaper to get the kid’s meal at a fast food restaurant when we do eat there than order the items separately. We don’t usually want another crappy toy though.
Sometimes she asks for the toy anyway, but then admits that she doesn’t want it– and will volunteer to give it to another kid in the restaurant. We always make her ask the adult with the kid if it’s ok first (rather than dump the toy on another family who is trying to reduce clutter) but it’s wonderful that she’s interested in giving it away.
As a divorced Mom I always lived very simply while focusing on my son’s education, my own retirement, and a little fun along the way. I bought one of the least expensive houses in a good school district and saved fairly agressively for my son’s college. We never had a lot of the toys that other familes had – fancy TVs, big SUV, etc. Other kids did sometimes comment on our lack of goodies. “Hey, these speakers are really lousy!” And I even had one Mom who wouldn’t let her child ride in my compact car.
My son just graduated from an out of state school known to have a good program in his major. He’s debt-free and got a job making more than I ever did! Appearances can be deceiving. Quite a few of the children from those other familes had fewer college choices or their kids graduated with a lot of debt. I wouldn’t trade my proud Mama day (my son’s graduation) for all of the fancy clothes and expensive gadgets in the world. And I’m enjoying some fun, though frugal vacations with a lot fewer worries than I’d have if I hadn’t learned to live below my means. I know that there is some luck in every success story but for all of you young families starting out with a frugal outlook, it does pay off.
Similar to a few other posters, I had an experience where I was ignored for “looking poor”. About 20 years ago I walked into a store to buy a stereo with my girlfriend (now wife). I was dressed normal for summertime (t-shirt/shorts) but the salesperson ignored me in favor of an older, well-dressed couple. Had the salesperson merely acknowledged me I would have been fine, but he never did. I knew what I wanted, all he would’ve had to do was say “Can I help you?” and I would have said, yes “I want this stereo”. They didn’t have any others on the floor other than the display model, so I couldn’t just help myself. After about 10 minutes of waiting, I went to leave.
My wife and I were talking about it when another salesperson overheard our conversation and said rudely, “He’s with a customer, he’ll be with you in a minute!” I replied by walking up to him and saying: “I waited for 10 minutes without even being acknowledged.” I then pulled out several hundred dollars in cash, waved it in front of the salesman and 2 other salespeople that he was with and said, “Hopefully he sells those people a lot because he just lost his commission!” and walked out and bought the same stereo for $20 cheaper (and got 3 free CD’s) at a place that had just opened nearby called Best Buy.
This chain had about 10 stores in the Philadelphia area and closed up about a year after this incident. While the emergence of Best Buy and Circult City might have drove them out of business, I’m sure their customer service didn’t help either.
I don’t try to look or act poor, i wear expensive clothes and have a newer car, but because of my age, i’m only 21, sales people often assume i’m poor, and don’t help me. I have bought two cars at the nissan dealership in town, i had a wreck last summer and when i went to look for a car they snubbed me it was pretty obvious that i was serious about buying, i was bruised and cut all over. i went to the next twon over. Car salesmen always get a suprize with me bc i have great credit and actually know about cars unlike a lot of girls my age. I just bought a house too and the first realtor we worked with was less than helpfull…sucks for them.
To start us on the same foot, let’s agree that one would not wear an Armani suit and tie to weed the garden in (unless perhaps, one had a few to spare, and it was one’s only 5 minute opportunity to get the weeding done….). Further, let’s agree that, if one has the means, one would not wear gardening clothes to church, or to a funeral. But already, the discussion’s gotten minorly complex.
The reality is: there are a whole ton of factors contributing to “I’m wearing this at this moment in this setting.” Some of those factors include “how will this outfit make me feel? how will it make other people feel? how will it serve the physical needs of what I’m about to do? Do I have time to change clothes between my last activity and this one? between this one and the next? Is my ideal outfit clean right now? Am I feeling particularly cheery today? social today? quieter than usual today? fat today?” etc. etc. etc. Unfortunately, all of us prioritize each of these factors differently and differently at different times. Some of us place a lot of importance on how our clothes make others feel. Sometimes it’s “I’d like to make people feel this way” and sometimes this is good (I’d like people at a funeral to not be distracted by my clothes and I’d like them to feel like they I have a listening shoulder to cry on) and sometimes this is not so good (I’d like to deceive people into thinking X about me). Sometimes instead we focus on how the clothes make us feel, and again, sometimes this is good (I like to wear clothes to exercise in which make me feel positive and confident) and sometimes it’s not so good (e.g. when I try to dress in a way that makes me feel better than others; which I should not do). And sometimes I show up at the bank in my garden clothes because I’m just stopping off there between working in the garden and helping a friend move some stuff to storage (i.e. the situational context may be more important than other factors; or the utilitarian context; etc. etc.).
And, every time we make decisions, we can make them with the right motivations and the wrong ones; as we all know. It’s great to have this discussion, and to be thinking about these things, and to see what others are thinking about them. It’s good to be aware of our motivations for what we wear, and the influence they may/not be exerting on other people.
Now if only we can use this knowledge in the right way. Unfortunately, the earlier comment “people dress to look poor.. to feel superior to others” is right more often than we’d like to admit. And the right dress at the right time can open very important doors. Let’s make sure we’re being wise, and not damning ourselves by choosing the wrong priority at the wrong time.
All those words and I forgot this bullet point: If you’re dressing to manipulate someone, including yourself, you’re being manipulative. If that’s good or bad in a particular situation is up to you to decide, just know that it’s what you’re doing.
I am not poor, but I think I look it because I hate shopping for clothes. I’ve never had anyone offer to pay for my food, though. I would be mortified, and would definitely force myself to go shopping. I wonder how article writer’s children feel about being pitied by strangers, especially when there’s no need? How anyone with money can accept charity from other people in a situation like this? That seems pretty immoral to me!
you sound poor