Merging Resources in a New Marriage

[Fern]

Pennywise brought up an interesting topic,men, women & finance.

does anyone have suggestions for how a newly married couple should go about merging their resources?

You know, like how do you handle the checking account. I'm inclined to say that, starting off, perhaps is easiest to begin by merging the 2 separate checking accounts into one joint account, and put 1 person in charge of bill-paying.

What if one spouse doesn't work, or works only part-time? How do others here manage to keep cash flow available to the non-working spouse for various purchases, groceries, etc?

Investment accounts i guess will be a bit more involved to merge so there's no unnecessary duplication.

[PrincessPerky]

I wouldn't dream of offering advice in that area cause it was automatic in my life, but I can say what we did. I worked when we got together, but I am now a SAHM, no income, but plenty of work.

We moved . OK that is silly but since we moved to NC when we first got together, we had to get a new account, we got a joint one, with a checkcard each for purchases, but that was before direct deposit and we often had cash. We dumped all the money in together, and paid all bills together, he generally did the checkbook at first, cause I can't balance the thing to save my life (err couldn't, getting better)

But then I discovered he was a procrastinator (which I am too) but I would procrastinate till he mentioned it and he well got defensive if I mentioned it, so maybe he picked better timing to bring it up? and why is it easier to remind someone than to do it yourself anyway? We switched to a 'moral support' thing, I did it, but he would be right there telling me about the latest Football scores or something (I hate sports easy to work while he talked .)

Oh and he was required to tell me once a month why the stupid thing wouldn't balance. . (I now sometimes go a couple of months without asking for his help!)

We had CC bill then, no wait HE had a CC bill then, and we paid it off fast, but not as fast as we could, DINKS do love to spend money . (or was it cause I was a teen?). We stayed out of debt but not saving much till DD was born (our second), combination of medical bills and DH got a paycut (is back now). Well we did buy a house and a new car before that.

All major decisions (like if you are afraid they might not approve) were made jointly, all minor ones were no big.

I never understood why anyone would hide purchases, and such from their spouse, if you need to hide it, don't do it. I also never understood being willing to spend the rest of your life withsomeone you don't trust?

[Snoopy2645]

Well in our marriage its me because dh would spend every last dime & no bills would be paid when we first married we made the same right down to the cent then I became a sahm but I had savings & it was my house & I did do some odd jobs & things like that to help out & now I am working pt again I am up to 24hrs a week now but even with all that its better for me to be in charge because like I said & dh has said it too we would be homeless if he was left in charge.

[jmjj215]

My wife and I have a joint checking account - both with CCs that are paid in full by the checking account automatically each month (for the cashback). We very rarely deal with cash.

I pay the rent, she handles medical. She grocery shops (I hate it). She's a SAHM with our one-year old by the way. We both sit down weekly and enter any and all purchases into our budget (Excel spreadsheet system). Once per month we sit down and allocate all of our money to budget into spending categories.

I would not recommend separate checking accounts and "his and her" money. That causes marital issues. (At the same time, one spouse being a spend-a-holic and the other being a saver can be a major rift as well).

[jmjj215]

It's funny this should be brought up. I just finished an article on it:

Marriage and Money Problem: What to Do About It

[akaivyleaf]

I had the his/hers/ours type of accounts when I was married. Things that we both benefited from were paid from the ours-joint account and he did the paying, I did the watching/supervising. We each contributed equally to the joint account from our separate accounts and never had a problem with it. If the freezer broke, we bought a new one from the joint account. Things we wanted individually we purchased from our own separate accounts-no questions asked. If he wanted a 1000 suit, he had his own money to get it with I didn't question it. We even paid for our retirement out of the joint account. I can tell you though, that was one heck of a mess to separate when we went our separate ways.

Should I ever get married again, I'm not so apt to combine a darn thing. But now I'm older I have my own house- paid for, my own car- paid for, my own retirement accounts and investments and I pay all of my bills in full every month so I'm not interested in combining anything. Think I'll get married again? I"m old and set in my ways, so probably not.

[DivaJen]

We have always maintained separate accounts, but it is all "our" money. His is mine and mine is his - there is no distinction. As Princess Perky said, if you can't trust the other one, then that's a pretty big problem in and of itself! Dh pays the mortgage, property taxes and business taxes. I cover everything else. When we were two fulltime incomes, it was easy enough to divide up bills. Now DH writes over every other paycheck to me. He also sends any extra money my way, to put into savings. I spend more time looking into savings, CDs, etc. (Although he funds the 401k through his paycheck.)

Works for us - but we're not a couple that has ever argued about money. We're very compatible that way. We have similar goals and outlooks when it comes to saving and spending.

I also keep a spreadsheet that tracks the total of our checking and savings on the first of each month and share it with DH, so that he knows exactly where we stand. We use the same cc and can both log in online at any time to see our current balance.

[frugalfarmwife]

I've been in total control of the money from day one, DH is a WONDERFUL man but was never taught a thing about the value of a dollar, he heard "if it weren't for this, or that, or the other we'd have the money for it." His family always blamed everyone else.

I also was independent for 10 years when we met, he still lived at home (mommy didn't want to let the boys go, all 3 of the wives had to drag them out kicking and screaming).

I'm a stay at home farm wife, no 2 legged kids but well over 100 4 legged ones.

I pay the bills, I do the investing, I do the budgeting, shopping, comparing etc, etc, etc. Hubby gets a small allowance weekly and has a CC just for gas for work that I pay off monthly.

We knew this was the way it needed to be from the very beginning and it works for us.

BTW, he IS a wonderful man and great provider/mechanic/handyman/farmer/etc, just not a good money manager.

KJ

[jmjj215]

I had the his/hers/ours type of accounts when I was married. Things that we both benefited from were paid from the ours-joint account and he did the paying, I did the watching/supervising. We each contributed equally to the joint account from our separate accounts and never had a problem with it. If the freezer broke, we bought a new one from the joint account. Things we wanted individually we purchased from our own separate accounts-no questions asked. If he wanted a 1000 suit, he had his own money to get it with I didn't question it. We even paid for our retirement out of the joint account.

This is what I espouse - with a slight twist. Basically you worked on everything together, but each had their own money. I call it "blow" money - money you're not accountable to the other spouse for. That's a vital bit of marriage finance. You each need to have your own money to do whatever you want with it - no guilt.

My wife and I have one checking account, we budget monthly together, and we make sure we include some blow money for each spouse. It's worked very well. While we've only been married 2.5 years, we've never had an argument about money.

(The vital ingredient to the above is that both spouses are on board).

I've been in total control of the money from day one, DH is a WONDERFUL man but was never taught a thing about the value of a dollar, he heard "if it weren't for this, or that, or the other we'd have the money for it." His family always blamed everyone else.

If you were to pre-decease your husband, how would your husband fare? I'm sure you've tried instilling in him those financial skills that you have? How has he responded?

[frugalfarmwife]

If you were to pre-decease your husband, how would your husband fare? I'm sure you've tried instilling in him those financial skills that you have? How has he responded?[/quote]


I've started working with him on some basics and showing him what is set up where, but honestly, if his mother is still alive she'll do anything to take him back in (do you sense the "bit" of a problem I have with her?)

If either one of us would die we know that the farm would be sold, and honestly with the sale of the farm it would more than sustain the survivor. Our farmland IS our main retirement fund as it is within a mile of our town and already gone up 4x in value just in the 3 years we've owned it. We are also investing in his 401k and have railroad retirement rather than social security in the future.

Hubby is HAS learned not to say "it'll get taken care of" to me anymore which was another favorite in his family, he now knows that it will, by ME and he will know how and when.

We're a work in progress, slowly but surely moving forward.

kj

[Bluezy]

OH what a loaded subject.

I am not one to speak of merging finances. At this point in time should any man wish to become part of our family, there is going to be extensive pre-nuptial agreements
ensuring that all my hard work to provide for my CJ will STAY with CJ after my passing. Marriage is NOT a romantic endeavor to me. It is a contractual agreement that I will never trust signing.

The marriage contract provides for the spouse to automatically recieve marital assets
plus assets before the marriage, in the event there was no pre-nuptial agreement. Should I marry and pass without specific provisions, the spouse would inherit all assets and CJ would be left to the mercy of a non-blood relative. The spouse could technically turn around and leave all of the assets meant for CJ to his own children. CJ would be left to contest the will. I would then have no other alternative but to come back and haunt the lot, disturbing my eternal rest.

No thank you. I'd rather eat glass.

Cheers!

[jmjj215]

I would then have no other alternative but to come back and haunt the lot, disturbing my eternal rest.

Very funny.

I suppose we should have a thread about choosing the "right one"

Our farmland IS our main retirement fund as it is within a mile of our town and already gone up 4x in value just in the 3 years we've owned it.

Wow! Great job on the appreciation!

[Bluezy]

*LOL* That would be a brilliant thread indeed.

[Gailete]

My hubby and I got married 3 1/2 years ago. At that point I was working, but we had already decided to combine resources as we had a marriage of minds as well as hearts. He hated handling money (lietrally got the shakes) and so let things go till he had a big stack of bills (and late charges) to pay. I took over bill paying, then got sick a few weeks after we got married and never went back to work again. I still handle the bills. It is a Wednesday routine for me. We talk about finances but unless things get realy desperate, he doesn't want to hear exact figures. I'm supposed to give him a heads up several months in advance to Really push for new jobs.

At this point we have 3 mortgages, my (our) house, His workshop (soon to be our house) and a rental property we bought. We pay our CC bills off in full each month. I look at our bank account and rejoice as their is money there--I had been married prior to a 1st class spendoholic. Him, he still gets nervous about the fact we have several mortgages, etc.

We have an agreement that without the others permission/agreement neither one of us can spend more than $25 for miscellanous stuff. This really keeps the bills down.

Our finances merged wonderfully, but so did everything else. I've never been happier and I think that is also why we can deal with our finances well, it is just how we live our lives together. No fights, no arguements, just lots of communication!

[CRFSaver]

A girl I work with, her husband and her have three checking accounts. They have a household account and they each have a personal account. They put a certain "discrenionary" amount asside in their personal accounts with the rest in the household account. THe household account pays the mortgage, bills etc. (and no ATM as it is for bills only). They can do what ever they want with their discretionary income.

[tomkat]

My husband and I maintain separate accounts. We were both independent and older (me 31, he 30) when we married. The main reason why everything is separate is because I owned my home before I married, and all of the household bills (mortgage, utilities, etc) are set up to be automatically drafted from my checking account. When we married, DH sold his home and moved into mine, and it was just easier to leave everything hooked up to my account. So, he writes me a check every month for his portion of the bills, and I place that check into a savings account that has both of our names on it (my idea...although the money that goes into it comes from my earnings, his name is on it so I won't be tempted to spend it...I have to go through him first before I touch it). I also maintain my own small savings accounts (my brick and mortar and ING, for little emergencies and such), and he maintains his own checking and savings as well. It works for me because I absolutely hate asking permission to spend money, and with separate accounts I don't have to be accountable to anyone if I decide to buy a pair of shoes or an outfit. Oh yeah, DH tries to monitor my shopping habits on the sly (he always notices when I have on something new), but he knows I'm spending my own money, so he really can't say much.

I will say that it would be nice if we had a joint checking account for household stuff and joint purchases. Handling the mortgage and set bills is no problem, but it's a little trying at times to keep up with little things, like lawn supplies purchased at home depot and groceries/SAMS warehouse purchases for the house, since we both make those types of purchases. Also, when we make joint purchases like buying a treadmill or landscaping for the yard, he'll usually pay for it and deduct my half from what he owes me for the monthly bills. Or, when we purchase stuff online, I'll put it on my credit card (he doesn't trust using his credit card online for fear of identity theft), and I'll add his half of the online purchase to what he owes for monthly bills. That's a lot of record keeping of who owes whom for what, and a joint account would probably make it a lot easier. Otherwise, I'm a big proponent of separate accounts. Less arguments about how money is being spent.

[jmjj215]

tomkat, your approach sounds like you're business partners But if it works for you, keep on truckin'

I absolutely hate asking permission to spend money, and with separate accounts I don't have to be accountable to anyone if I decide to buy a pair of shoes or an outfit.

This is why every couple should have an agreed upon amount of discretionary income for which you do not have to be accountable.

You've probably taken a bit further than most in that everything is separate by default, and gets mingled intentionally. My wife and I have everything together, and what is separate is separated intentionally. We've found there's a lot less separate purchases than there are 'combined' purchases - so it's much less record keeping.

[tomkat]

Originally Posted by jmjj215

tomkat, your approach sounds like you're business partners But if it works for you, keep on truckin'

This is why every couple should have an agreed upon amount of discretionary income for which you do not have to be accountable.

You've probably taken a bit further than most in that everything is separate by default, and gets mingled intentionally. My wife and I have everything together, and what is separate is separated intentionally. We've found there's a lot less separate purchases than there are 'combined' purchases - so it's much less record keeping.

I know, it does seem like a business arrangement, and sometimes it can get a little unwieldy. At some point in the future, we'll probably do a little more merging (just hate to undo everything that has been set up...everything, from auto bill pay to direct deposits will have to be changed...I get tired just thinking about it), but for now it's separate accounts!!!

[PRICEPLUS]

The wife and I have seperate checking accounts and credit cards. My cards are paid off. My wife on the other hand has 13000k in credit card debt.

Before one gets married you really have to have a long heart to heart about finances. I am a saver and my wife is a spender. The arguments can get pretty hairy. I wish we had discussed and set up a system together 17 years ago.

I don't see a problem with a merge. If you can't trust your spouse then why are you married? The main thing is openess and trust! You must however be aware of habits with money that can lead to a ruining of your finances as well as your marriage.

I am learning lessons the hard way. Speak to your intended early on openly and reasonably. Settle on a mutually agreeable course of action and be flexible if changes need to be made. Remember that the two biggest causes of marital discord and breakups are money and sex.

[cercis]

DH and I married right out of college (the day we graduated actually) and moved to Colorado. So it was just easier to merge everything together.

When he was a SAHD, he was supposed to pay the bills, but he's no good at that. After getting cut-off notices because he hadn't paid the bills (with the money in the account) I took over the bill paying. I was so frustrated at the late charges we were having to pay.

Now, he pays his credit card bills. I track everything else and pay the other bills (actually, I have them set up on autopay, something he wanted to do but never got around to).

Since we have gone through so many variations of staying home with the kids, we're truly of the mindset that it is our money. He is more of a spender than I am, but he's also more of a shopper than I am. He enjoys grocery shopping, so that's his job.

He might be lost if I died and he had to take over the bills. But I'd be lost if he died and I had to take over the shopping and cooking.