Separate and joint finances

[LivingAlmostLarge]

My mom has been nagging me about going back to work. She says that if I don't work I'm not able to spend money on myself or as I please because my DH earns it. That if I work I can choose to do what I please with it.

Seriously, even when I worked I couldn't spend it as I pleased. I need to hear from others who both work, do you spend your paycheck however you like? We've always shared a checking account so free spending isn't going to happen either way. I still run everything by my DH then and now.

Does two paychecks allow people to spend as they please? Or do you still have to check with spouse before spending?

[jpg7n16]

I'll preface this with: I'm not married.

But if I was, I would expect us to work together on a budget that includes a portion of 'his fun money' and 'her fun money' as part of the monthly budget. It'd just be an extra item like 'clothing' or 'car insurance' and we'd pay into each account over time.

If she wasn't working and I was, we'd take the total income and budget an amount of fun money for each of us that we agreed on, using the rest of the income for common expenses and savings.

If we were both working, we'd still take the total income and budget an amount of fun money for each of us that we agreed on, using the rest of the income for common expenses and savings.


Two paychecks should allow people to have a bigger number to work together on assigning places for it to go.

[riverwed070707]

I agree with jpg 100%. DH and I always discuss large purchases -- it doesn't matter who's brining in the money. Smaller stuff we have fun money to spend as we please, no permission required.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

My mom has been nagging me about going back to work. She says that if I don't work I'm not able to spend money on myself or as I please because my DH earns it. That if I work I can choose to do what I please with it.

With all due respect to your mother, she's wrong.

Once you are married, everything is joint. What I spend affects my wife. What she spends affects me. She is no more free to go out and blow her paycheck than I am to go out and blow mine. And if she didn't work, it wouldn't make any difference. Everything in our household is joint. We make decisions together. There is no "my" money and "her" money. It is all "our" money.

If you operate on the theory that you can each spend your income as you please, you're going to run into a lot of trouble at some point.

[Slug]

I am basically the sole breadwinner, but we would have this policy regardless of how many of us are working.

My wife and I each get $250 to spend as we wish each month (dining out, haircuts, massage, clothes, and other wants). Anything unspent goes into a play account for that person and is carried forward. Any large purchase from these accounts is discussed.

All other funds we generate are dedicated to saving, investment or paying down debt in some capacity.

Also, if you are old enough to be married, you're old enough to tell your mom to get out of the business of your relationship.

[JoshuaHeckathorn]

My wife and I both work and we share everything financially. Large purchases are always discussed, but for the small stuff we just both live within our budget. The key is that both spouses need to play a role in creating the budget so you know how much "fun money" there is to go around.

[MonkeyMama]

Funny, I just saw this conversation elsewhere today. On the radio - should say I heard something similar.

IT depends on the relationship. Certainly there are people out there who believe that since they earn the money, they make the financial decisions - and their spouses let them.

My household has always been equal. Spouse has not worked for 9 years or so - this certainly not a permanent arrangement. He also worked for 10 years or so before we had kids and mostly saved every dime (lived at home, until he got married, always in a position to save 90%+ of his income). I know I have some friends (generally 2-working households) who wonder why on earth I let my slacker husband not work and provide for us. (Some have said as much). He must eat bon-bons and watch soaps all day. Right? Um, my spouse has spent MANY hours raising our kids, and now that they are in school, I still appreciate the help with housework, all my errands done magically for me, he does all the grocery shopping and cooking. He makes money on the side here and there, and spends many hours volunteering for the community. Which I appreciate because I don't really have the time to do so. (Outside work, I focus on my kids). But as a whole, together, we can make a much bigger difference to our community. Plus I don't think most my friends understand that he worked his butt off to get to this position (the saving all that money thing - for 10 years prior).

What your mom might be really concerned about and trying to say is don't put yourself in a position that you can't take care of yourself, is all. I don't think I could personally put myself in that position, to rely on someone else financially. This is one reason I had absolutely no desire to quit working when I had kids. I do know many women who want out and feel stuck. I am just lucky my dh was willing to take that leap, so I didn't have to. Kind of win-win for us. Though I feel some element of the same for my hubby - it's good for him to stand on his own two feet - this was why we got college degrees and careers before having kids. My dh at least has education and experience to fall back on. Whether we need the money or not, together, we both agree that he best return to work, at some point. But, that said, not feeling the rush!

[GREENBACK]

I have a girlfriend that lives with me. We have been together for about 7 yrs. We both work and make a decent income. We don't have children between us but there are adult children that don't enter into our financial picture. We do keep our finances seperate but we always discuss really large purchases. This works for us because of low expenses and frugal lives. I buy what I want and she buys what she wants. We kind of split on home purchases with no hard and fast rules about it. There are currently no joint accounts between us.

This probably doesn't work for most people and may not for us when we marry, which is very likely. It does work very well at the moment. I think the biggest reason is that we live well below our means and have few financial issues that can't be handled by one or the other.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by GREENBACK

I have a girlfriend that lives with me.

We do keep our finances seperate

You absolutely should keep your finances separate if you are not married. Merging finances with anyone other than your spouse can lead to all kinds of nasty legal problems.

[GREENBACK]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

You absolutely should keep your finances separate if you are not married. Merging finances with anyone other than your spouse can lead to all kinds of nasty legal problems.

I agree. We have always kept things seperated but not secret. I think that's an important difference regardless of marital status.

[marvholly]

Large
I can only question HOW your mom got into this discussion. It is WAAY past time for YOU to tell her MYOB. This is something only you and DH can decide on what is best for YOUR personal situation.

If you go back to work what will child care cost? How much time & effort will be needed in your job. How much time spent commuting? Will DH be willing to share equally in the household chores (laundry, cooking, cleaning, child care) or will you need to hire out. Will your family be MORE prone to eating out/ordering in?

I am willing to bet that when all the above (and a bunch of things I have not thought about) are taken into consideration the two of you will decide it is NOT worth it. Interestingly w/my 2 adult kids they have decided differently-1 works and 1 is a stay at home.

[feh]

I've been the primary bread winner in our family since our son was born, but that hasn't changed how we spend money. Any large purchases are discussed before they are made.

Not a problem for us because we rarely spend money on things we don't need.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Interesting, came up because i mentioned asking DH to go home for a visit without him. Money isn't the issue, he just hates letting us leave him, and no it's not a power and control thing. My mom still can't get it, even after all these years that I control finances more than he does, but he gets plays the emotional card for don't leave me alone. Happened before kids and happens now.

So she thinks that I don't make spendy decision like buying an airplane ticket because of $. Truth is I don't do it because he whines about us leaving, not the money. Money, I run stuff by him but for the most part he zones out. I hand him CC, checks, etc and say this is how it is.

He gets cash for the month, the rest he spends as he likes on the CC and that's it. I did it before i quit working because I like it. I'm on here aren't I? Most of us on here are more money obsessed than our partners, hence we are on here.

I don't know what it would cost to work. I'd make money now with 1 kid, but with two kids i guarantee it'll be more than I make. Every friend I have now pays a ton with two kids and pays to work. But it's only short term, but age 5 they are okay again. So it's a short term financial loss for long term financial gain because you keep earning and getting promotions.

[maat55]

We use the majority of DW's check towards investments and the car fund. She gets to use the remainder as she pleases. We use my income to pay all the bills and share what is left.

[naomibatac]

With the foregoing, I believe that if couples are able to make a good workable budget, nothing should be missed that will bring a feeling of being left out. I agree with some of the budgeting tips given by several forum posters. The budget should include an allowance for the husband and the wife that they can spend freely for themselves. I also agree that for married couple, all earnings should be included in the budget. Savings if also part of budgeting.

[skydivingchic]

I've said it before and I'll repeat it here: I believe separate or joint finances can work for a couple provided they are in general agreement about how to handle money. DBF and I keep ours separate. We are currently planning our wedding. After the wedding the ONLY thing that will change is our tax filing status. We've discussed it and agreed that day to day mechanics will not change. We each earn our own money, contribute equally to joint expenses, and are free to spend the rest as we see fit. No consultation with the other party necessary. We do sometimes discuss purchases with each other, much like we discuss anything else, but there is no requirement that we do so.

This only works because we both have similar money philosophies. We save aggressively for retirement, pay CCs in full and on time every month, don't take out crazy car loans, don't have hobbies and habits that aren't covered while still living below our means, etc. This way of handling finances is certainly not for everyone. But neither is joint finances.

It sounds to me like you are generally happy with your financial arrangement and your mom needs to butt out.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

skydiving what happens if one of you loses a job post marriage?

[cptacek]

Sometimes, those that are commenting on our lives are actually projecting their lives onto us. Maybe your mom feels she doesn't have any say in her finances?

[skydivingchic]

We each have EFs to weather any storms like unemployment. If one of us were unemployed for an extended amount of time, we would discuss changes to how things are handled. But we see no reason to completely change a method that has worked for us for years on the rather small chance that one of us becomes unemployed for an extended amount of time at some unknown point in the future.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

skydiving do you earn the same amount? Or are expenses just split proportionally?