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08-04-2011, 07:10 AM
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08-04-2011, 07:20 AM
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Getting a doctorate is a worthy goal. However, is that really what you and he want in the long run? If it is, you will both move heck and high water to get there. He will hustle whatever jobs he needs to and so will you. But, what is his track record in school or college? And, before you even think about doctoral levels, i would wait and see how lower level studies play out. And, why the need for a doctorate? Is that only a doctoral level career? And, if so, do you want him in school for the next 6 yrs with you supporting the family and him really distracted and focused on that versus you and your child? Not saying it can't be done. Many people have done so and that is great. But, from your posts, you are more of the self starter. And, there is nothing wrong with that.
But, another quote that stands out "I did all the research and laid out the options". It is going to be HIS career. I would think HE would have been the one doing all the research and showing YOU the options. I think that is great that you have encouraged him. But, i am just wondering if there is something you are not seeing? And, I don't mean that in a bad way. It is just that some people are perfectly content doing one type of career versus another. Some men would rather dig ditches than be corporate CEO's. And, i never cared what DH wanted to do be it pumping gas or brain surgery. And, as for him being miserable at his job, so what? Some people are miserable at ANY job. For some people that is just the nature of their personality to kvetch about their jobs and for some people they just vent that stuff , then they are fine and get back up and go to work the next day.
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08-04-2011, 07:30 AM
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OP - I am married with 3 kids. We have been married for years. I have been down the road of trying to propel my spouse in one direction or another. I caused myself years of frustration trying to convince him to do things that really were not his cup of tea. Over time, i learned that there were just some things we had to accept about one another. And, him toward me as well. But, i look back at the years of stress that i caused myself. And, it really sounds like you are marching down a road that is going to severely complicate your life for years. So, you need to have clarity of what you both really want.
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08-04-2011, 08:18 AM
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08-04-2011, 08:28 AM
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Not going to lie, I'm not sure if that's what I want. When he originally set out to go back to school I was thinking a couple of years for an associates -- wasn't really prepared for a 7 year commitment. However, if this is what he wants then I will do what I can to help it be possible for him...what I'm trying to communicate in this post though is that I can't do it all. He wants a doctorate, he's going to have to make some sacrifices too and now is the easiest time to do it, not later when he's taking doctorate level courses. The career is only available as a docotrate (used to be a masters option but that is going away and will be completely obsolete before he reaches that level). FWIW, he just recently settled on what his bachelors will be in and he did pick something that will give him career options in case he decides to stop or take a break once he reaches that point. I know it's going to be a long road. I have communicated my concerns to him and he seems like this is really something he wants to do. If it is, that's great I'm 100% behind him. What I don't understand is his attitude that it will just all work out -- it's not just going to work out, we need to plan and be prepared for the financial aspect of it all and that I can't do for him. I need help and I don't know how to make that any more clear to him than I already have. I guess maybe my question shouldn't be how do we find a happy medium, it should be what do I do if he continues skating by without a job and we completely depleate our EF and theres no money left? I'm not taking out loans when it could be easily avoided, so do I just cut him off? Tell him I'm not contributing to his school until he gets a job? I don't want to sound like his mother and that's exactly how that sounds.
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08-04-2011, 08:52 AM
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It sounds to me like maybe he is done with the relationship...Willing to go to school far away from his family. Maybe you should see if he is fishing for a seperation. At this point it might be best for him to take a break from school, work full time to build up the EF and College payment account then restart once you are both feeling less stress. I am sorry but reading your post is like a flash back to my past...You and he need to make some major changes. I suggest talking first, but you need to make sure if you say no more school support from me that you are ready to ensure he does not do it behind your back.
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08-04-2011, 08:58 AM
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Well, there is no reason to lie. I am just sincerely offering my help and opinion for your situation. Just take what works for you and discard the rest. But, the equation of your family and relationship changed big time with the addition of your child. And, you can't always go the route you want to do and have to modify. Getting a doctorate sounds fine. But, from what you posted, it sounds like he is willing to plod along as long as some else is pushing him along and not really on fire to do this. Maybe that is completely inaccurate but you can only glean so much. I would suggest that he go for the Associate's. That a doctorate might be what he wants, but what about what you want? What about what your daughter wants? Having a father who is distracted during her formative years might not be the lifestyle you want. And, he cannot just shrug his shoulders and not consider the financial and emotional implications. Yes, you may not be able to plan every detail. And, sometimes you step out in faith. But, when you have children, then that changes everything. And, also do you want more children as well? If so, there will be a big gap between your children that you may not want. I don't know. But, i think you are planning too far into the future and he is only living for today. An associate's may not be as far as he would have liked to go, but what is wrong with that? And, it might give him a career he enjoys, decent money and propel you into a more comfortable direction. Again, i don't know so i can't say.
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08-04-2011, 09:02 AM
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He wants a doctorate
Everyone wants a lot of things. I want a body like J Lo. But, wanting it and moving your life toward that are 2 different things. He really had a passion for that he would have pursued all the information, not you , and he would be telling you he was willing to go to the ends of the earth in order to make this happen. This does not seem to be the case. There is nothing wrong with having more modest expectations such as an Associate's. Or, perhaps he really needs to think about another career that doesn't take so many years. There are all kinds of professional degrees one can obtain in health care that range from certificates to associates to bachelor's degrees.
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08-19-2011, 07:08 AM
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 He has been applying to a couple places and had an interview last week (although, we've already confirmed that he didn't get the job ). Kind of feel like he's just doing the bear minimum to keep me from nagging. Its a really tough situation for me because this isn't like him at all -- can't help but wonder if maybe something deeper is going on but when I ask him he says he's fine. Feel like we're so close to getting the last of our debt paid, bulking up savings and finally having some breathing room but if he doesn't start helping we're just going to sit here treading water. I'm at a loss for what to do.
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08-19-2011, 01:10 PM
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__________________
Did you learn something from me? Learn even more at my blog: Sunk Costs Are Irrelevant
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08-20-2011, 05:11 AM
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It is much more important that you listen to what he actually DOES not what he says. What he DOES is really what he wants to do and what is important to him. He may not really want to go back to school or do any of the things you talked but doesn't want to disappoint you. He may be perfectly happy just schlepping away at whatever job and not overly concerned or abmitious about getting to the top. ANd, there is nothing wrong with that if that is who he is. He might be more content just finding a stable job and being a family man and that's all. He needs to really think about what way he wants to go.
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09-08-2011, 02:05 PM
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So in case anyone was dying to know what has transpired form DH and I's discussions, he got a job ::claping::...and I also picked up a second job. DH hated the idea at first and was actually pretty upset when I suggested it. His biggest concern was time with our DD since I already work/travel quite a bit. I'll be working a couple nights a week 8 p.m. to 2 a.m. so she will be getting ready for bed by the time I leave for work. We can still have family dinners and keep our nightly routine. I agreed to keep it very temporary because DH still wasn't completely sold on it. I'll probably just work until after the holidays when our cards are paid off and we have rebuilt our savings a bit.
I'm also moving forward with the business idea I mentioned the other day but I anticipate it will be a while before that takes off. Hooray for progress and potential!
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09-09-2011, 07:24 AM
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That's great that he got a job. Open communication an any type of relationship is extremely important, more so in a marriage. He should know that you support him in everything he does, but he shouldn't feel pressured to do something because of someone else, that will only backfire. However you should always talk to him in a way that shows your concern and your frustration. Explain to him what the problem may be, and see what suggestions he can come up with. He will feel more motivated to do something if it's coming from him. Best of luck, and I hope the job works out well.
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09-12-2011, 05:39 PM
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I know that you're both frustrated. But you can find a solution. I know that he's in school and he doesn't feel like working would help him because it would hinder his ability to study and spend time with his family. But if you know, and you have facts proving, that you cannot survive off your one paycheck, he needs to know that. He's probably feeling very overwhelmed. Just have a calm (no screaming) conversation with him (yes, I know you've done it before), but it's extremely important that you guys come to an agreement about what's going to happen in the years to come. Either he needs to take out loans (or get scholarships or grants) for school, or he needs to find a better job to help out.
__________________
I have enough money to last me a lifetime, unless I buy something. "Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most."
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