Separate Finances Argument With Spouse

[snafu]

You and DH have different views about money, it's use and distribution, so you need to get this
sorted before it becomes a huge issue. There is nothing stopping you from taking the initiative and drawing up a written plan detailing how regular and intermittent expenses will be paid. You need to develop a savings program and an emergency fund that pays for things like car repairs.

A lot of couples give themselves an allowance to spend as they please, covering things like his cigarettes and alcohol and an equal sum for you to save/spend as you wish. Basics like rent, food [special or regular], utilities are typically covered by joint contribution split 50/50 or by earning percentages. How do you want to cover auto operations, maintenance and insurance? Will you each track mileage or ? How do you decide vacation spending or clothes budgets?

Personally, we're old school, all earnings go in one account and I parse them out according to need. For example, I take 10% of everything that comes in, no matter the source off to savings. At the end of the month, I sweep the account and any sum not allocated likewise goes to savings. The only reason I pay the bills is because I'm detailed oriented...that translates to DH 'forgets.'

[Pansori]

Originally Posted by disneysteve

Once you are married, however, all money is joint even if you choose not to look at it as such. If you don't believe me, just ask any divorce attorney.

I had a divorce attorney. My ex had one as well. They basically said you take your crap, he takes his. Anything that was joint was split. Part of the reason why our divorce ended up not being so entangled is because we kept a portion of our finances separate. Which is a major reason as to why I decided no more blending of finances with anyone, boyfriend or spouse.

[dawnwes]

I agree. We don't have any separate money.

Originally Posted by disneysteve

That isn't a husband. It is a roommate. What part of "and the two shall live as one" didn't he get when the two of you decided to get married?

I'm with Brian 100%. When you both say "I do", that's the end of "Mine" and "Yours". It all becomes "OURS".

ETA: This is NOT a financial question, by the way. Your problem is NOT about money. This is a much, much deeper relationship problem.

[JoshuaHeckathorn]

I'm also a huge advocate of sharing everything in a marriage. In my opinion, it's the only way to go, and it'll save you a lot of time and agony along the way. If you need to keep something separate for personal spending money, agree on a small amount that each of you can spend however you like each month. Everything else should go into a joint account to cover all your monthly living expenses, including unexpected expenses for car repairs or medical care.

[MonkeyMama]

Originally Posted by Pansori

I had a divorce attorney. My ex had one as well. They basically said you take your crap, he takes his. Anything that was joint was split. Part of the reason why our divorce ended up not being so entangled is because we kept a portion of our finances separate. Which is a major reason as to why I decided no more blending of finances with anyone, boyfriend or spouse.

This isn't always so simple.

I live in a community property state so there is very little his/hers to begin with. Even if we kept our finances separate they would be completely entangled by law since we are married. Every penny earned in marriage is joint.

I think if all parties agree you can divide it however you like. Doesn't mean your spouse can't fight you for it just because you kept it separate.

Personally, I think couples who combine their finances think as divorce as less likely an option. Though I am very practical, I am also too committed to my marriage to play the "separate finances in case we divorce" angle. I know a number of people who have - and they all seem to end up divorced. Of course, it was something they felt was a likely possibility all along. I do know divorce happens, and that is why I have a career and can stand on my own two feet. But keeping our money together or spearate means little in the long run - we've earned it all in marriage anyway and court would split our assets 50/50 if we couldn't agree. If the legalities were different and I had to protect myself, so be it. I don't think separate finances automatically = divorce. I just think often it is not a good sign.

[thekid]

You can opt out of community property with a prenupt.

My wife and I have and we keep our finances separate (splitting joint expenses down the middle).

We both have suficient money to cover all our spending (joint and separate) and save.

We have just found this to be easier and to work well for us. Pooling would probably introduce some degree of tension as I tend to be a little more of a spender.

Like I said, this works well for us. I do not think there is a universal answer. You just need to find a system with which both are comfortable and that is fair to all (the latter part seems to be missing in the OP's situation).

[skydivingchic]

We are well aware that we live in a community property state and that how our finances are viewed by the legal community will change after we get married. Though I would point out that we certainly don't plan on getting divorced, so how the legal community views our finances is basically a moot point. Regardless, the legal viewpoint and the day to day mechanics are two separate issues. And the mechanics will not change one iota after our wedding. Why in the world would we change a system that has worked well for us for all these years simply because we said "I do"? We both have similar financial philosophies and goals and we don't fight about money. I'm not saying that separate finances works for all couples, but it gets really, really old hearing people say that combined finances is the only option. Its not. Discuss the issue with your partner - well before marriage - and figure out what works for you two. Just because combined finances works for the majority of the forum posters does not mean it will work for all couples.

To the OP. If we were sharing a car like you and your husband, we would consider it a shared expense. That means gas and repair bills would be split, either 50/50 or based on a mileage split, depending on the exact situation. The situation you described has you using your car for mutual benefit and I assume you also use it for your own purposes sometimes. In that case we would figure out a mileage split. So if you drive the car for mutual benefit 80% of the miles, 80% of the gas and repair bills would be split 50/50. So you would pay for 60% of the gas and repair bills (20% exclusive use plus half of the mutual use), and he would pay 40%.

However, I would reiterate that this sounds like a much more fundamental problem. It sounds like you agreed to a financial situation you weren't really comfortable with. You need to sit down with your husband and figure out a situation that is agreeable to both of you, including how car expenses get split (or combined, whatever works).

[Like2Plan]

I suspect this is less about whether the OP and her DH keep their money together or separate. First of all, for some couples it may take a little trial and error and tweaking their system to get something with which they are both comfortable. It seems that both the OP and her DH keep score on every financial transaction and they would do the same even if their assets were joint. I sense that even with keeping everything "separate" BOTH the OP AND her DH think each are getting the short end of the stick. As long as they are both keeping score as they do, I doubt they will ever arrive at a system that they feel is "fair". Maybe there is no system that is perfectly "fair", but maybe something can be achieved where each gets what they need.

No matter how you keep your finances I think both spouses should have the same standard of living. I mean, really--you have one spouse that saved for retirement and the other did not or could not because they didn't make enough--so when they retire one is eating catfood and ordering hot water with catsup while the other spouse orders steak? Or, one spouse becomes unemployed--do they have to move out into a cardboard box? Or, one spouse gets sick and can't work...

Good luck to the OP-- sometimes it takes a while to hit on the winning formula.

[Pansori]

Originally Posted by MonkeyMama

This isn't always so simple.

I live in a community property state so there is very little his/hers to begin with. Even if we kept our finances separate they would be completely entangled by law since we are married. Every penny earned in marriage is joint....

I agree it is not always so simple, but in my case it was, so I choose to stick with it (I do not live in a community property state, btw). I'm not saying separate finances is for everyone... obviously the vast majority believe the latter. But for myself I would rather keep things separate as possible, whether or not we are married. That does not mean I love or trust my SO any less than those who choose to combine their finances, simply that we have a system that works great for us, so why deviate? That being said I'm not entirely ruling out combining our finances in the future, but for now we'll keep things as they are.

Personally, I think couples who combine their finances think as divorce as less likely an option. Though I am very practical, I am also too committed to my marriage to play the "separate finances in case we divorce" angle. I know a number of people who have - and they all seem to end up divorced.

Correlation does not imply causation.

Originally Posted by skydivingchic

Why in the world would we change a system that has worked well for us for all these years simply because we said "I do"? We both have similar financial philosophies and goals and we don't fight about money. I'm not saying that separate finances works for all couples, but it gets really, really old hearing people say that combined finances is the only option. Its not. Discuss the issue with your partner - well before marriage - and figure out what works for you two. Just because combined finances works for the majority of the forum posters does not mean it will work for all couples.

Very well put!

I do firmly agree with everyone that the OP and her spouse have deeper issues. Separate finances or not, the spouse should be the first to jump at the opportunity to help her when she is in a bind.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Separate finances can work I believe. I don't do it, but it can work if you make enough. When you don't make enough to cover the bills is a different story.

But you should talk and stick by the rules laid out. Then it might be easier.

[carolan]

It has to be your money. And if you keep arguing over every penny like this, you are not going to stay married long!! And wait til you have kids and want to spend on them!! Pool your money to pay all expenses and if there is any left over, then he can have his share proportionately if he wants to have his own money. You need to correct this and soon.

[ThelmaBGraham]

I have read many website blogs, posts, etc. and have yet to find a compelling reason not to purchase term life insurance. It seems like such a no brainer. It's cheap. Who can afford high premiums right now.

[supercar]

I haven't read all the responses above but some. I seriously would charge for sex and household work if my spouse behaves likes that. ... .heck I wouldn't even get married if I know that the future would be splitting and not sharing.

[HelpMeFriend]

What you OWE EACH OTHER???
You pay the bills, with both of your money, despite who made what that week and you go on.
It sounds like you have more than just money issues here, but a power struggle, as he is not making that much more than you.

[Bud1225]

Hello everyone Me and my friend have started their own business with the share of 40% 60% the 40% of share for me and the 605 for my friend, but the fact is I work allot at the absence of my wok and bring my company at top rank and now he come back after 6 month and want to separate the business, please suggest me how much i will gain share at the moment, as I have worked for 6 month at the absence of my friend.