How do I tell my mother no?

[Brandie]

My mom doesn't actually have the signs of being a hoarder-just incredibly lazy. If you throw away trash she's fine with it but a hoarder would contend that it has value. They, also, don't want things to leave their home or other people to touch it but she keeps offering to send me stuff, but considering it's useless and smells of smoke I decline and tell her to just throw it away. My cousin has managed to take out boxes and bags of trash-but it really is more than a 1 1/2 person job. My mom likes to make excuses for not helping like saying her back hurts so she can't even sort papers. Her main problem is she needs to suck it up and clean. She refused to spend the life insurance money she got when my dad died on hiring someone to do it for her saying she needed to sort out the trash and she needed time to deal with things and yada, yada, yada. I really don't know where the insurance money went I just know it's mostly gone.
She got irritated with me today (though in an earlier conversation she said she figured out a way to not need to borrow money from me right now) when I told her I didn't feel right giving her money while she was still smoking. She said I was putting a "condition" on it and that was wrong. Well, it's my money.
As for using those statements with my sister-I've used some before and her problem with me is that I'm not emotional. My sister enjoys being hysterical and feels that everyone else should feel and think the way she does. Of course, I'm pretty sure every time she calls me she's drunk as a skunk and she is a very sobby, hysterical drunk. This last time I talked to her she was crying and yelling at me. I'm pretty sure the only one with mental illness is my sister-certainly, alcoholism is high on the list of her possible issues.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by Brandie

Thank you everyone. I have decided not to make the "loan." I'm glad you all understand. My sister thinks I'm cold-hearted and evil. She thinks we need to handle our mother with kid-gloves and take care of her. However, my sister has followed my parents in their financial footsteps so I at least don't have to worry about her loaning my mother money. Any advice on good arguments to use with my sister? She doesn't know our mom asked to borrow money but she thinks I should allow our mom to move in with me. I kind of want her to understand my reasoning but in the end, if she doesn't, I'm perfectly happy with not talking to her. I do figure that should be a last resort.

Dave Ramsey talks about a book called "Bounderies", you might look it up and read it.

[Brandie]

maat55 Thank you for the suggestion. However, are you aware of any books that are more secular on the topic? If not I suppose I can just order this one. I do like some of Dave Ramsey's teachings in any case.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by Brandie

maat55 Thank you for the suggestion. However, are you aware of any books that are more secular on the topic? If not I suppose I can just order this one. I do like some of Dave Ramsey's teachings in any case.

Dave did not write the book, yet it may have some christian leanings. I'm sure you can filter any religious promotions.

[cschin4]

Yes, setting boundaries is paramount. And, you can do so. ANd, you can also still help your family at times as well. Setting boundaries with your sister shouldn't be that difficult. If she calls you hysterical, drunk, crying, etc. simply tell her that you are not going to discuss whatever it is until she is able to engage you in a calm manner, then tell you are not going to talk about it and if she persists tell her you are going to hang up and you will call her back tomorrow. If she starts ranting and screaming, then hang up. Eventually, she will get the message. And, tell her what happens between YOU and MOM is simply none of her business and you are not discussing it with her period. Then don't.
As for your mom, you can deal with her in whatever manner you choose. As for putting conditions on giving, I would advise you steer, way, way clear of that. That turns you into the policeman of the relationship. DON"T GO THERE! It is as simple as this. If you have the money, want to help your mom financially, then give her the money as a GIFT, period. It is gone, you aren't getting it back, forget about it. That is the ONLY way to deal and the only way you will have peace in your mind and relationship. No loans. Gifts only, with no strings attached on how it is spent, where, conditions or the like. That is the best way for you to deal with this
. Any other way will just make you crazy. Trust some of us here who have given money to relatives. The only way i give to relatives is purely a gift. If they then go drink it away at the bar, oh well. Leave it go and move on. If you don't want to give them money, then just say "I am sorry, i am simply not in a position to give you any money" and leave it that. If they press, just evade and let it go. You don't owe them any explanation one way or the other so don't allow them to press you into giving excuses that you don't owe. Stand your ground, then change the subject.

[SteveBlissLaw]

If you figure it out let me know. I've been trying to tell my mom no for years

[esb3357]

We are also military. Thousands of miles in between does a world of different. Tell your sister that you are unable to help at this point due to moving shortly but will emotionally support her with any decision she makes to help. I always love when everyone wants you to help but won't do it themselves.

[Gary Barzel]

The best way to deal with family without getting hurt by it, is to establish in your mind that whatever decision you make is yours to keep, and not up for grabs for anyone else to decide if it's right or not. That means there is no reason why you have to feel guilty about something you choose to do. You are only responsible for what you do, not for how others portray what you do. Your sibling can be upset by your decision, but that's her decision to do that, and you shouldn't let that affect you.

[KennySoward]

My cousin--who I used to love--just passed away two days ago. Twenty years ago, G used to be one of the funniest people I'd ever met. We did a lot together, and I'll never forget those times.

As the years passed, G (even after working for a very good company) began to develop some irresponsible habits. Drug use, alcohol, partying. Had three children that he had trouble looking after. Every so often, my dad would call me to tell me that G was calling around to try to get bail money to get him out of jail.

No one in my immediate family helped him out. I have felt bad about that for years.

Now that he's passed away (basically from the drug use and poor health) I tried to look inside myself to find some feelings for this person. Looking back, he made life very difficult for everyone around him, even those who tried to help him. He had the cigarette habit, beer habit, getting social security and never being able to support himself into his 40s.

I know this is not the same story as yours, but in a way it is. Sometimes you just can't help people who are so far gone that they do not understand the simplest of things they need to do to get on track. Sometimes it is beyond you and, like others have said, it sounds like your mother needs some serious therapy.

When you use your house as a garbage can, there is something wrong that is beyond simple "lazy."

I really hope this works out, and I think you made the right call.