Friends with no money

[Lindsey23]

I have friends who didn't save and are one bad event away from living in poverty. One friend keeps afloat with employment but constantly needs cash infusions from relatives, has a stack of credit card bills, and always says she wants to do what I do even though she can't afford it. Another friend has health problems but just cashed out a IRA for some short term goals, lives on credit cards, has no retirement savings, just a small pension.

When I offer advice it is typically rejected, so I don't offer anymore. I try to avoid any conversation that will lead in the direction of finances. But that causes some stress for me.

Unfortunately, these are longtime friends that I would have difficulty removing from my circle. Surely others have this problem?

[DebbieL]

"When the student is ready the teacher will appear". This saying is also true backwards - no amount of teaching will be absorbed/appreciated when the student is not ready. Your friends are probably more the "norm" than you are (unfortunately). People are very financially illiterate. I don't know if it is available everywhere in the US, but there was a TV series filmed here in Canada called "Till debt do us part". Wonderful show, and the couples featured will blow your mind. Many of them are spending $10K (or even more) more per month than they earn. Some have no idea what they actually make (how is that even possible). The host (Gail Vaz Oxlade) is great, and it's a fun show to watch. I recommend you google it and see if you can view episodes online if it isn't on TV where you are.

[GREENBACK]

Originally Posted by Lindsey23

Unfortunately, these are longtime friends that I would have difficulty removing from my circle. Surely others have this problem?

This is very normal. You don't have to eliminate them as friends but don't become an "ATM" for them. Live your frugal life and maybe they'll come around but that's their call.

[momcents]

Having been in a similar situation with my best friend, I learned that while you perceive something as a problem and want to "fix it", until your friend realizes that it is truly a problem, your words will fall on deaf ears. I had plenty of ideas about how my friend mismanaged her money, despite having a great salary she made one poor decision after another. The worst for me was when I was talking about possibly making a loan at Prosper.dot and her ears perked up and she was really interested in the concept. One week later when looking at requests, I saw her there - smiling back at me asking for money despite a poor grade. Anyhow, I needed to mind my business, move on and worry about myself. She has made progress ultimately and will ask for occasional advice (where to plop her retirement money, which debt to pay off first, etc). Ultimately, it was up to her to realize that there is a problem and to take the steps to fix it, you can't.

[Frugal]

Maybe they could still benefit from having a wise friend around, so when they finally decide they need to change, they could come to your for advice on how to save money?

[maat55]

Originally Posted by Lindsey23

I have friends who didn't save and are one bad event away from living in poverty. One friend keeps afloat with employment but constantly needs cash infusions from relatives, has a stack of credit card bills, and always says she wants to do what I do even though she can't afford it. Another friend has health problems but just cashed out a IRA for some short term goals, lives on credit cards, has no retirement savings, just a small pension.

When I offer advice it is typically rejected, so I don't offer anymore. I try to avoid any conversation that will lead in the direction of finances. But that causes some stress for me.

Unfortunately, these are longtime friends that I would have difficulty removing from my circle. Surely others have this problem?

I hand out used books like The Automatic Millionaire and The Total Money Makeover.

[97guns]

i have money with no friends

[LeadRival]

I agree with the "don't become their ATM" comment. Don't allow them one red cent out of your pocket. Hopefully they will wake up when they run out of options for loans. A good friend is one who can tell it like it is.

[cschin4]

Why do you want to "remove them from your circle"? Do people only want friends that are exactly like themselves nowadays? I don't understand the notion of tossing aside friendships. As for advice, your friends don't want your advice, they want your friendship. Big difference. If they want advice they can find it in a million places, but they don't. You have to lose the notion that you are somehow responsible for their finances. You aren't. So, just enjoy your friends for who they are. And, plan to spend time with them in ways that are pleasurable and that they can afford like going for a walk, bike ride, hanging out at their homes or yours, etc. Don't throw away years of friendship.
W

[Pansori]

Originally Posted by Lindsey23

Unfortunately, these are longtime friends that I would have difficulty removing from my circle. Surely others have this problem?

I don't have any problems with my broke ass friends being broke. And all of my friends are, indeed, broke. They have student loans and credit card debt up the wazoo. But I love them, anyway! I love my friends for who they are, not their financial situation. They know I am meticulous about my income, and they tease me about it, but they have never... and would never... treat me as an atm. That being said I would not hesitate to help them as long as it is within reason, and I would NEVER drop them based on their finances. The mere thought is pretty callous.

[bjl584]

I have several friends like this. But, they are still good people despite their financial woes. I still enjoy their friendship even though we think differently about money.

[clintdavis]

I don't think Lindsey is saying that she wants to remove these friends from her circle. But it is important to be intentional and a bit choosy when it comes to who you spend your time with. There's no way around it, the people we spend time with have an impact and influence on our lives, our mood, our attitudes, and our habits.

My wife and I have friends and even family members who tend to have negative and/or "drama" attitudes. And we have made decisions to limit the amount of time we spend with them. It doesn't mean we think they are bad people or that we don't love them. We just don't want to allow that negativity into our lives.

Consider this quote:
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with” by Jim Rohn.

What do you think?

Thanks for sharing Lindsey.

[couchrobt]

Personally I would think that you should not let yourself be put down just because your circle of friends are being difficult (and broke) yet they still want to show that lifestyle that they cannot afford. Just be yourself. Tell them once or twice, if they would not care, they are being in denial. Not your fault.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

If your friends are already aware that you handle your money differently, with an eye to the future, they may eventually see the wisdom of your ways. Some people who come to this board are looking to make such major changes in their financial lives. There's nothing to say that your friends might not someday be looking, too.

[wincrasher]

I'm constantly evaluating my "circle". It's tough to keep friends close that can't afford to spend time with you.

Let's say you are an avid golfer and like to play each weekend. Your close circle is probably gonna be filled with guys who also like to play and can afford to play with you. Unless you wanna pay their way all the time, you are going to thin out people who can't play.

My sister's friends are generally married couples with kids. They sit around and visit (gossip!) and the kids play. They have common interests, are all broke as church mice, but that's OK because they are doing what they enjoy doing.

[b4freedom]

Originally Posted by Lindsey23

Unfortunately, these are longtime friends that I would have difficulty removing from my circle. Surely others have this problem?

Ditto. I often have to remind myself and my wife to avoid discussing finances with other people, particularly family and friends. Every single time I've discussed it, I regret it. Most people are living pay check to pay check and have no room for error. The worst is family with no insurance and inconsistent income. They get a windfall of a few thousand and I suggest they save it for an emergency. They go on vacation. In the middle of the winter their heater explodes and they don't have any money to replace it. Of course, they want a loan.

[TutoMoneta]

If any person has different live ideas from you - he can't be your friend.
"Me left hand is terrible stupid cause always jumps into soup, while the right hand takes a spoon". This is a silly situation, isn'it? The same applies to friends. Friends can't be so different.

[cschin4]

It's tough to keep friends close that can't afford to spend time with you.

Time is free. You can "afford" to make time for your penniless friends if you choose too. If you don't, then you really aren't really their friend. You can get together and play cards, board games, go for walks, rent movies from the library and on and on and on.

[wincrasher]

Originally Posted by cschin4

It's tough to keep friends close that can't afford to spend time with you.

Time is free. You can "afford" to make time for your penniless friends if you choose too. If you don't, then you really aren't really their friend. You can get together and play cards, board games, go for walks, rent movies from the library and on and on and on.

You need to up your reading comprehension and read the rest of the post.

[jerrycates]

I agree to wincrasher. Totally out of the 'circle'
Anyhow, to help the thread going on the same path... Friends who would not face the fact that they cannot afford a lavish lifestyle 'anymore' should be told. It may hurt, but if you are really friends, they would get over it somehow. Them being broke is not your fault, if you have enough cash to live a good lifestyle then it is because of your own doing. Hope you get your friends to do as you do.