What am I getting into???

[YGMNEDPB]

I have worked hard to keep my dept down and maintain good credit. However, I just found out my future wife is not in the same boat. She has $40k in cc, paying up to 27%. She ask if I could take out a personal loan to pay off her cc's. I have no idea if I can get a loan this big. Would the interest rate be less then what she is paying? Is there an advantage to getting a loan before we are married? Will her credit effect my? She owns a house. Should I suggest she use that to dig herself out?

Any suggestions would be helpful.

[wincrasher]

Does she want to marry you to get herself out of debt? That's the question I'd be pondering right now.

Getting a low interest unsecured loan these days would be a major feat - good luck with that. She's probably tapped out and underwater on her house, so she probably can't get any loan right now.

Also, what is to keep her from doing the same thing again once you give her relief?

[shultice24]

There are people on these boards who will know more about the specific questions you ask than myself, but, what I do know is this- it's very, very, very critical that you and future Mrs. You get on the same page before you tie the knot. It's a shame that financial matters are the number 1 cause of divorce in this country, but that's reality.

While the effects of you meshing your finances might not initially be pleasant, I think the most important thing to do is see what your philosophies towards money are going forward. If she has the same mindset towards money that got her into so much trouble, it's bound to be an enormous issue in your marriage. But, if she is determined to beat her old debts and spending habits and become financially secure, you're set.

[EEinNJ]

Run away as fast as you can. In the short term it may be emotionally painful, but you will be saving yourself years of misery and perhaps an expensive divorce. That is, unless you see 40k in CC debt as no big deal and don't mind paying it- and paying it again when she does it again.
Financially, if you're a saver and she's a spender, you will always have conflict. In the romantic love stage, people overlook or minimize issues like this, since everything seems so wonderful you just know it will work out. Reality sets in eventually.

[happygirl]

Originally Posted by shultice24

There are people on these boards who will know more about the specific questions you ask than myself, but, what I do know is this- it's very, very, very critical that you and future Mrs. You get on the same page before you tie the knot. It's a shame that financial matters are the number 1 cause of divorce in this country, but that's reality.

While the effects of you meshing your finances might not initially be pleasant, I think the most important thing to do is see what your philosophies towards money are going forward. If she has the same mindset towards money that got her into so much trouble, it's bound to be an enormous issue in your marriage. But, if she is determined to beat her old debts and spending habits and become financially secure, you're set.

Well said. I must admit, if this were my situation I would seriously consider ending the engagement but that comes from having endured a similar experience in my past. Good luck to you.

[reallyprettyhappy]

Originally Posted by YGMNEDPB

She ask if I could take out a personal loan to pay off her cc's.

There's your red-flag, right there. I would say, um, no. You can help her though, but it's not going to look like she thinks. You could help her have a garage sale, set up an ebay seller's account, call her CC companies and negotiate settlements, read financial blogs to educate her on responsible personal finance. She needs to sell whatever she can, get another job or find some other source of income in order to pay off these debts. This is her problem, and if you bail her out, she is bound to find herself in the same situation sooner or later. She would have learned nothing from the experience.

Personally, I would make her paying off this debt a pre-condition of getting married. Tell her that you just can't see spending money on something like a wedding when what you should really be investing money into is your future marriage. Also, it will motivate her to do EVERYTHING possible to get it paid off asap. You will have your answer as to whether or not you should even marry her by watching how she handles this disaster.

[shultice24]

Originally Posted by reallyprettyhappy

Personally, I would make her paying off this debt a pre-condition of getting married.

That would likely be an excellent decision. Her response would let you know if she's the one, or if you should run.

[disneysteve]

Go to hulu.com and pull up Bank of Mom and Dad. Have her watch the episode on Carmela. I think it was #6.

The fact that she is asking you to take out a loan to pay off her debts should be a huge red flag waving in your face that this is BIG trouble.

These things can be fixed but they require a total change of mindset and lifestyle. I would not consider marrying someone unless I was confident that they had already made those changes and were living them successfully for some time.

[LuxLiving]

Do not loan this person any money!

Give her advice? yes!

Marry her? Not yet, if ever.

[Scanner]

Going thru a divorce over money matters.

I just read a very good article about compatibility. . .I can't remember all of the factors but I remember 3 you should be "close" on:

1. Good credit. Yeah, actually they suggest running a credit check on your future spouse. If you have a score of 720 and she has one of 590. . .there really may be a compatibility issue there. Nothing wrong with both being 590 (from a marital standpoint, altho there will be stresses) but you both should be the nearly the same as far as history.

2. Spender/saver. Again, no right or wrong per se. . .if you both are content living from hand to mouth, I wish you both very well. If you are both savers, that's good. Or if you are both good compromisers, that's good. But if you are really polar opposites and not willing to compromise, be careful about tieing the knot. You probably shouldn't.

3. Level of Affluence expectation. Is she expecting to be "taken care of" and a lifestyle that you can provide? (rarely men expect this so I am being gender biased admittedly). If so. . .and that's agreement, proceed with no judgment from family/friends. But this kind of goes hand in hand with #1. . .that credit spending could be a lust for a lifestyle that you or her can't really afford to acheive, esp. 40K. . .I can kinda see "Oops. . .before I knew it, I had 10K on the ol' credit card." But 40k? For no apparent reason (illness/disability)? Sounds like an affluence expectation coupled with financial irresponsibility.

Money and sex, 2 big matza balls should be discussed and how each would evolve in the marriage over time. It seems money is a bigger taboo to talk about in this culture.

[Scanner]

BTW, nobody answered your questions - we all just kind of shot off advice. Here's my answers:

I have no idea if I can get a loan this big. Would the interest rate be less then what she is paying?

If you take a personal loan, I think the going rate is somewhere in the neighborhood of 8-15% depending on collateral, credit history, etc. Banks aren't apt to just extend credit for the sake of it anymore though so this may be a tough buy.

Is there an advantage to getting a loan before we are married?

Not really from your standpoint. You are assuming risk and she's assuming none. YOu could get a loan, she says, "See you. . .I don't like the way you part your hair" and guess what? The bank don't care. They want their money back + interest irregardless.

Will her credit effect my? She owns a house. Should I suggest she use that to dig herself out?

If she has equity, a home equity loan may be an okay vehicle for getting her consumer debt in order. However, it's not a "magic solution" that the commericals make it out to be. The solution is to control her consumer spending.

As far as your credit being affected by a marital union, my fair answer is "I don't think so." I don't think you get worse credit just by "association" but I admit I am not entirely sure.

Good luck.

[Caoineag]

I am with reallyprettyhappy on this one, she asked you to get a loan to pay it off!?! No way. That is a huge red flag. That screams I expect you to bail me out for the rest of my life. Do you really want to do that?

The debt payoff should definitely be a prerequisite for the marriage to take place. And if I was you, I would expect no wedding as a result. This women is looking for prince charming to come rescue her from all her woes. Even my friend who has been bad with money wouldn't let her men pay off her debts with a loan from them. To actually ask for one screams I haven't learned my lesson and I never will.

[PetMom]

Some people have actually hired detectives to look up financial matters of their future mate.

She told she had this much debt? Has she shown you her credit report.

She may be hiding more.

Unsecured credit card debt of that much just screams:

expensive restaurant meals, day spa visits, mall shopped/designer clothing, boxes of jewelry, maybe even an admiration of cosmetic surgery.

She may not be like this, but you have to be careful - a bad debt spouse can wipe out a person.

What is her career? It might be different if this was a student loan and she had a great job going. Only you can decide this.

And postponing marriage for now could be an excellent solution as others mentioned and motivation for her to work on her debt to get married.

[Mistee]

Take it from an "old lady" well, lets just say I'm passed 60 but under 70; if someone asks you to loan them money as a prerequisite to marriage or a friendship, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! You don't need that pressure at all. Marriage should be a time of coming together and creating your own financial situation together; not coming in to a situation that you did not help to create. I would think she would be ashamed to even tell you that she has this debt let alone ask YOU to take out a loan for her.

Bless your heart for coming and asking various opinions because some just jump into these things without asking first. Whether you take our advice or not, you have some opinions that are worth considering. I would only hope that my sons will evaluate what they are doing in their relationships first and atleast seek advice if they have this kind of problem especially.

Hubby and I aren't perfect and we have had our debt issues, but we created them together and we worked them out together. I just got the ball peen hammer and........LOL....No, hun, don't do it. Let her get out of this mess and respect yourself for not wanting to create havoc in your life with a loan and especially these days....credit is not easy to come by nowadays.

[highsavings]

wow...that's a lot to ask for, and you two aren't even married yet. Tell her she needs to fix her own problems before you get married, and from what I understand, her credit will affect yours when you're married?

[Slug]

My one word answer is "run" If not, then definitely read the series of NYTimes articles that I think Scanner was referring to and have the discussions however difficult they may be:

Here's the pre-marriage one. My wife and I would have benefited greatly from having the affluence conversation.

Originally Posted by Scanner

Going thru a divorce over money matters.

I just read a very good article about compatibility. . .I can't remember all of the factors but I remember 3 you should be "close" on:

1. Good credit. Yeah, actually they suggest running a credit check on your future spouse. If you have a score of 720 and she has one of 590. . .there really may be a compatibility issue there. Nothing wrong with both being 590 (from a marital standpoint, altho there will be stresses) but you both should be the nearly the same as far as history.

2. Spender/saver. Again, no right or wrong per se. . .if you both are content living from hand to mouth, I wish you both very well. If you are both savers, that's good. Or if you are both good compromisers, that's good. But if you are really polar opposites and not willing to compromise, be careful about tieing the knot. You probably shouldn't.

3. Level of Affluence expectation. Is she expecting to be "taken care of" and a lifestyle that you can provide? (rarely men expect this so I am being gender biased admittedly). If so. . .and that's agreement, proceed with no judgment from family/friends. But this kind of goes hand in hand with #1. . .that credit spending could be a lust for a lifestyle that you or her can't really afford to acheive, esp. 40K. . .I can kinda see "Oops. . .before I knew it, I had 10K on the ol' credit card." But 40k? For no apparent reason (illness/disability)? Sounds like an affluence expectation coupled with financial irresponsibility.

Money and sex, 2 big matza balls should be discussed and how each would evolve in the marriage over time. It seems money is a bigger taboo to talk about in this culture.

[nataliya]

The solution could be to keep your credit histories separate after you get married. This is possible.
Best of luck!

[Kris10Leigh]

This issue is obviously far more complex than we get a glimpse of here with this little snapshot. But I agree with everyone who says the marriage should at least wait until her debts have been paid. It is not at all wise to begin a marriage with debt, especially if the debt is one sided. Whether you think so or not now, you will probably become resentful pretty quick.

[Scanner]

Slug,

Yes, that was the article. . .thanks.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by YGMNEDPB

I have worked hard to keep my dept down and maintain good credit. However, I just found out my future wife is not in the same boat. She has $40k in cc, paying up to 27%. She ask if I could take out a personal loan to pay off her cc's. I have no idea if I can get a loan this big. Would the interest rate be less then what she is paying? Is there an advantage to getting a loan before we are married? Will her credit effect my? She owns a house. Should I suggest she use that to dig herself out?

Any suggestions would be helpful.

IMO, there's truely not enough information here to advise you.

It does not sound like you have a whole lot of money either.

She has a house.... how much does she owe on it and is she able to maintain all of that herself?

She has cc debt.... how did she accrue all this debt? Some emergency/accident?

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Do you have a house or rent? What is your financal situation, paycheck-to-paycheck, or ?

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The high interest rate of 27% probably was not that high until recently.... so it's probably something that she's now very concerned about.

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What is the timeframe for marriage? How long have you known each other?

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All of these have answers that really only you and her can come to terms with.

Who will "control" the money, budget, bills, when you both are married and a "team?" Have you discussed any of this with her?

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I look back at my personal situation when I had absolutely no debt, some savings and a 100% paid for mortgage.... I married a man whom had a BK done prior to my meeting him, no savings, a "leased" auto because nobody would give him a loan due to the BK on his record, and education debts that had multiplied to slightly over 40k. He was not able to pay on the education debts because his wages barely supported him.

His attitude toward money and income was that I'd be given full control as long as he had some allowance to do what he wills with. As long as he had some income over and above that allowance, this was acceptable to me.

I did marry him and we did take an equity loan on the house, got him out of the leased car, into another a 3 year used car loan, and we paid for all of these debts.

Over 5 years later, we have absolutely no debts once again. The mortgage is once again free of all liens, he's got a brand new car that's fully paid off, and his education debts are paid. We have savings enough to pay for a new car for me, when my 10+ year old car fails (if it ever does).

Yes, I'm in control of the money, and we don't seem to fight about money. But he doesn't "care" about it per se.... and we are happy.

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Nobody can determine attitudes in written words.... only the two of you can decide what's right for the two of you.

The only thing I can recommend is that you both understand the full extent of everything financial from both your perspectives PRE MARRIAGE. That you discuss and come to a mutual agreement as to how everything will be handled financially while in marriage.

Trust your feelings about this (and about all things in your personal life); only you can know what's right for you.