What am I getting into???

[MaxPowers]

everyone thinks the one they marry is the one. I thought that. "no no we are so awesome together, that won't happen to us" but you have to think about the worst thing that could happen. When I got married, my wife had like 6k debt, and i paid it off immediately. I felt she was worth it, and it was now my debt, so I paid it off in a lump sum. I also cosigned for a car for her.
Well, a year later, things started to go down hill, and we got divorced. I am still fighting the ordeal with the car.
Anyway, not saying she wants a sugar daddy like some people here are implying, but I have been there, just be careful. 40k will take a long long time to pay off.

[lovcom]

Originally Posted by YGMNEDPB

I have worked hard to keep my dept down and maintain good credit. However, I just found out my future wife is not in the same boat. She has $40k in cc, paying up to 27%. She ask if I could take out a personal loan to pay off her cc's. I have no idea if I can get a loan this big. Would the interest rate be less then what she is paying? Is there an advantage to getting a loan before we are married? Will her credit effect my? She owns a house. Should I suggest she use that to dig herself out?

Any suggestions would be helpful.

People think you didn't supply enough info to get advise.

This is wrong.

You have provided more then enough information to us, and regardless of how or why she raun up $40,000 in debt does not change the fact that she is looking to YOU to get a loan to pay it off. I would not be surprised if she sells the idea as "a sign of true love"...what a stick in the groan!

DO NOT DO THIS! You'd be an idiot to marry this shipwreck. What a way to start a brand new marriage...the tone it sets from the get go is bad.

And as long as those loans are outstanding, she's got you in prison Bucko...you'll alway wonder why she really married you: for love or money?!?

It's just like the fools that get pregnant first...the woman often ask "would he have married me even if we didn't get preggies?".

See what I mean? Dump this woman asap and move on.

Don't be a fool...I am trying to save your life!

[lovcom]

Originally Posted by Seeker

Trust your feelings about this (and about all things in your personal life); only you can know what's right for you.

This is the worse advise I ever read.

It is people's "feelings" that get them in trouble in the first place!

Never go with feelings. Better to go with the head, never the heart.

Be objective, pragmatic, dispassionate about money, wealth, and love life, and it is those types that are the happiest, have the least divorce, acrimony and the paradox is, these types have the most love and fulfillment in their lives too! Whats more, these types nearly always have a fat savings, little or no debt, and big net worths...

[jIM_Ohio]

Listen to scanner...

most of advice I read is accurate, I liked Scanner's advice and comments the best.

Know the debt you are taking on- is it clothes, car repairs, medical bills or something else?

The type of debt and circumstance which created the debt need to be known by me before I give further opinions.

[Downfall]

If she has 40,000 of unsecured debt and not much property, it might make sense to simply declare bankruptcy. You may want to suggest that she consult a bankruptcy attorney ASAP. This should obviously be done pre-marriage.

[bigredmachine05]

you need a prenup. I am not kidding.

[Seeker]

LOL - i would advise her to get a prenup as well. She went in to the house ownership (solo I gather) and he does not have any sense of what that means to him neither.

What goes around comes around. If they want to keep everything separate than that's also their choice.

What people "get into" when they decide to marry or not, is personal... not public. There's no problems with asking for advice... nor should there be any problems with giving it.

My advice is not the worst, nor is it without reason. Feelings and intuition and subliminal clues (body language, facial movements, eye movement) all mean somethat that apparently the human brain is able to translate. It just does not happen with the written words; writings are just too subject to variable intrepretations. Spoken words, tones, all have "feelings" intertwined. And humans feelings change over time as well. We are all human however.

Someday every single one of us will regret some mistake we've made in the past. So? We didn't listen to ourselves... we didn't understand nor try to see it from another perspective?

I'm not saying that anyone should enter into marriage without understanding 100% of what they are getting into.

I am saying that we as outsiders looking in, have no real understanding of their history, nor attitudes, nor anything at all really of another person's reality.

Luvcom, you don't write from the brain (facts). Your reasoning is 100% from the heart(feelings). You don't have any facts. Neither do we. All we have in the OP writing is "panic."

Relationships or the lack thereof, are based on many things. Two people communicating 100% about what they feel and think about "x," is the key to a healthy understanding relationship.

But, if nobody is willing to understand and potentially rethink their position, if there is no flexibility, then there's no future there.

It's not up to you; it's not up to me. It's those two people and the whole of their reality that matters. Both the facts and the feelings; both the brain and the heart.

[Scanner]

I do think prenups get a bad rap from the religious community (Catholicism in particular).

90% of a pre-nup is discussing how finances will be handled when the marriage occurs - separate checking, co-debt prior, mutual debt during, home ownership, wills, affluence expectations even.

Do you need a new car every year? Do you need jewelry? What is at least the goal of the marriage financially? $100,000 retirement? $1,000,000? 4.2 million?

Only 10% of a pre-nup is discussing how assets are divided in the unfortunate event of a divorce (not eventuality). It doesn't really matter anyway. . .the law is clear in that any assets accumulated after the marriage is 50/50 anyway. It's only assets and liabiliites before the marriage that is unclear.

I am definitely doing a pre-nup if I remarry. Probably the biggest financial and emotional error of my life was not doing this needed action before, even if it's informal.

[b4freedom]

Originally Posted by YGMNEDPB

She has $40k in cc, paying up to 27%. She ask if I could take out a personal loan to pay off her cc's.

Don't do it. If you pay off her debt then all that is accomplished is that the burdon of her debt is now your debt. What is your recourse should the marriage never happen?

Get a prenuptual agreement and once you're married you can work towards reducing the debt.

[lovcom]

Originally Posted by Seeker

LOL - i would advise her to get a prenup as well. She went in to the house ownership (solo I gather) and he does not have any sense of what that means to him neither.

What goes around comes around. If they want to keep everything separate than that's also their choice.

What people "get into" when they decide to marry or not, is personal... not public. There's no problems with asking for advice... nor should there be any problems with giving it.

My advice is not the worst, nor is it without reason. Feelings and intuition and subliminal clues (body language, facial movements, eye movement) all mean somethat that apparently the human brain is able to translate. It just does not happen with the written words; writings are just too subject to variable intrepretations. Spoken words, tones, all have "feelings" intertwined. And humans feelings change over time as well. We are all human however.

Someday every single one of us will regret some mistake we've made in the past. So? We didn't listen to ourselves... we didn't understand nor try to see it from another perspective?

I'm not saying that anyone should enter into marriage without understanding 100% of what they are getting into.

I am saying that we as outsiders looking in, have no real understanding of their history, nor attitudes, nor anything at all really of another person's reality.

Luvcom, you don't write from the brain (facts). Your reasoning is 100% from the heart(feelings). You don't have any facts. Neither do we. All we have in the OP writing is "panic."

Relationships or the lack thereof, are based on many things. Two people communicating 100% about what they feel and think about "x," is the key to a healthy understanding relationship.

But, if nobody is willing to understand and potentially rethink their position, if there is no flexibility, then there's no future there.

It's not up to you; it's not up to me. It's those two people and the whole of their reality that matters. Both the facts and the feelings; both the brain and the heart.

You won't find one MFCC (marriage/family counselor) that would agree with you nor Dr. Phil, nor Dr. Laura.

Feelings are not about facts, and that is the problem with going with feelings because (1) they are not based on facts, and (2) they are highly subjective, so no, going with feelings means destruction in lives, and that is why we have such a high divorce rate, because most people make the mistake of going with feelings.

In fact, when one goes to marital counseling, the counselor will often ask less about how one feels, and more about "what is" (what is the facts of the situation). In other words, tell me what you believe is happening and NOT what you feel is happening. Body language is not feelings, by the way....body language is tangible language just like written words or spoken words.

One must be objective, pragmatic, logical, and that only comes from the heart, when chosing a mate.

Don't set yourself up to being a middle aged or elderly person having to live with the consequence of a 20 something person, who based their decisions on feelings (idealistic, romantisization, glorification).

This is not to demonize feelings, as we all have them, but to base a decision on feelings is too often the road to distruction.

I think feelings have their place; like in making love, showing affection, giving a gift, listening to a friend spew about her troubles. Feelings can nudge us to do the right thing, in the form of guilt, or a compulsion to reach out and help someone in need...these can be good applications of feelings.

[Seeker]

Luvcom,

What is the Difference Between Fact and Opinion?

Even "facts" change.

The "counselor" only knows one opinion; even said counselor knows that the "facts" to one person will be very different to his/her partner. Lawyers/Judges... everyone knows this.

You picked one sentence out of all my words, and only concentrated on that.

I urged communication between the two people who sorely need to communicate with each other. They have no future if they cannot communicate.... regardless of anything you or I might say.

[lovcom]

Originally Posted by Seeker

Luvcom,

What is the Difference Between Fact and Opinion?

Even "facts" change.

The "counselor" only knows one opinion; even said counselor knows that the "facts" to one person will be very different to his/her partner. Lawyers/Judges... everyone knows this.

You picked one sentence out of all my words, and only concentrated on that.

I urged communication between the two people who sorely need to communicate with each other. They have no future if they cannot communicate.... regardless of anything you or I might say.

Your attempt at backpaddling does not match what you originally wrote. You suggested they go with their/her "feelings"...huge mistake, to be sure. Teenagers do that...adults are not supposed to.

[EEinNJ]

Originally Posted by lovcom

Your attempt at backpaddling does not match what you originally wrote. You suggested they go with their/her "feelings"...huge mistake, to be sure. Teenagers do that...adults are not supposed to.

How's that working out for ya with the ladies?

[lovcom]

Originally Posted by EEinNJ

How's that working out for ya with the ladies?

Exellently, because with the ladies, one has to use their heart and their brains; feelings and reason; the makings of romance and such.

HOWEVER, when it comes to certain life's decisions, feelings are often the worse source of reason.

Falling in love is about feelings and reason.

The decision to marry should be reason and not feeling based.

The courts are filled with divorce couples that often have no lack of love....they are there because of other incompatabilities they should have discovered years before if they only had used their heads.