Need help making a huge financial decision!

[maat55]

Originally Posted by Well Spent

SO now you have your answer. You know how calculating and evil this woman and her father are. Congratulations, you dodged a bullet! Be glad it happened now. And be very careful about who you give your heart to next. It it important for you to work with a trusted counselor to explore why you were so vulnerable to a predator. It could be bad luck; but based on your thought process, I think your low self-esteem made you a target of this criminal.

Your story is another anecdote of why I am suspicious of marriage. On another thread, posters advise waiting until you're married to have sex. I can't think of a more ludicrous idea than that. Talk about marrying for the wrong reasons!

Again, really focus on yourself and your own goals for the next several years. If you marry, do not marry before 30 at minimum.You'd rather say "I wish I'd married years ago" than say "I wish I got to enjoy young adulthood, building a career, and learning about myself before legally and probably spiritually tying yourself to another person semi-permanently.

I think your views on marriage and sex are whacked. Commitments are not built upon sex performance and age. Dedication, loyalty and love far outway superficial selfishness. You have to truly love someone to enjoy lifelong sex with one partner, you won't find that through new relation sex.

I knew my wife was my soulmate before we were married or had sex. We were married at 18 & 20. Despite our differences, I am excited to see her name on my cell phone, we still hold hands, she demands that we snuggle every night. Sex is meaningless if you do not have a greater bond than physical attraction.

Semi-permanently? Isn't that an oxy-moron?

[Well Spent]

Moni727, marrying at your age has been a good decision so far for you. I don't think RadiatorRT, at 24 already, should marry again until 30 so he has time to improve his self-esteem, explore dating, and complete medical school.

My statement wasn't a rule for everyone to not marry before 30. For some people, marriage at 20 is a great decision. My post was addressing RadiatorRT's specific needs.

[Well Spent]

Well Maat55, your soulmate may walk out on you someday. It happens all the time. You must know that it is a possibility. Semipermanently means none of us know where our lives will take us. Is it wrong to divorce and remarry another person who suits you better during a different stage of life? Not in my book. I don't want anyone to stay with me (who doesn't really want to be there) stay with me be cause we have a mortgage or a child together. Life has so many possibilities and choices. What we choose at 25 may not appeal to us at 45. Love should be a gift, not an obligation. I would never want a partner to stay with me out of duty. That's gross. Passion and enthusiasm are vital for a good relationship. That's not to say there won't be difficult periods and compromises are inevitable but I won't stay with someone because I don't want to pay alimony or because I'm afraid of not being able to pay the bills. Have skills for independence and bring those into an interdependent relationship that could end at any moment. That's all.

Also, demanding to snuggle every night? That's weird. I wouldn't want to snuggle with someone who demanded it from me. Buy her a Snuggie.

[Well Spent]

Originally Posted by maat55

You have to truly love someone to enjoy lifelong sex with one partner, you won't find that through new relation sex.

Sex is meaningless if you do not have a greater bond than physical attraction.

I agree with you here. except to say nothing has to be lifelong. Just take life as it comes without making permanent obligations.


If you made a bond at work over time with someone who fit better with you than your spouse, you should take it. Life is meant to be enjoyed, it's not an arduous struggle to get through.

[ActYourWage]

Originally Posted by Well Spent

I agree with you here. except to say nothing has to be lifelong. Just take life as it comes without making permanent obligations.


If you made a bond at work over time with someone who fit better with you than your spouse, you should take it. Life is meant to be enjoyed, it's not an arduous struggle to get through.

Well_Spent, you are giving BAD advice about marriage. Marriage is oneness with your spouse, it is a commitment, not the favor of the day type thing.

Originally Posted by Well Spent

Also, demanding to snuggle every night? That's weird. I wouldn't want to snuggle with someone who demanded it from me. Buy her a Snuggie.

You must not be married, I doubt she actually demands it, it is probably one of her love languages that makes her feel close to him.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Wellspent, I gotta disagree. Sure marriages break down, but it's up to BOTH people in the relationship to work it out.

Marriage isn't about changing and leaving your partner in the dust. It's about changing and working together. When you can't that's when it's difficult. If you can, the partner you had at 20 can still be the one at 50.

And by the way, I don't believe in soulmates, sorry Maat. I believe there are MANY people out there that would work in a relationship with you. It's whether or not you chose to work on that relationship.

Perhaps your true soulmate was meet at 15, but you weren't ready for the commitment, maturity necessary. Then at 30, you meet a great person, and aren't ready. But they aren't your 'soulmate'.

I meet my DH young and inexperienced. We've grown up a lot over the past decade, and it's become harder. Mostly because we've grown up a lot during our 20s, and we've changed.

Does it make us less compatible? It could if we weren't working on us. Maybe people who meet at 35 have it way easier.

Our neighbors meet at 36 and 42. Married within 8 months of meeting, engaged in 3 months. Happily married with 1 kid going on 3 years. Took us 5 years to wed and it's been another 4.5 years. We had to grow up a lot. We're just fortunate we grew up together.

One more thing, OP, I married my DH for his green card. Yeah we were great together but we weren't in a rush to wed. Just so happened it was a good idea for his job situation so we did it.

We barely had an interview with the INS about our marriage. It like hi, you're married? Great, see you later. And we had come in with everything from our 5+ years together. They rubber stamped us because we had already bought a condo together, checking, CC, savings, investments, etc.

And we also know people married solely for the green card. 3 different marriages actually and they all got investigated a lot.

[nmboone]

Wellspent, I see your point of view. Don't let the haters get you down. Funny stuff!

[globetraveler]

Eject! Eject!

[arthurb999]

You made the right decision...

hope she gets deported

[mdcrim]

Originally Posted by arthurb999

You made the right decision...

hope she gets deported

+1 (and sorry you are having to go through this-but at least you found out now, instead of after kids, big fat doctor salary, etc).

[maat55]

Originally Posted by Well Spent

I agree with you here. except to say nothing has to be lifelong. Just take life as it comes without making permanent obligations.


If you made a bond at work over time with someone who fit better with you than your spouse, you should take it. Life is meant to be enjoyed, it's not an arduous struggle to get through.

I live by a higher standard than what makes me feel good at the moment. I want to know that my spouse will be around to change my diaper if necessary.

I've seen the type that do what you say, they leave destructed lives in their path. I suggest that you be honest with any partner you have that you may leave for the bimbo at the office.

[Seeker]

Jack,

I'm sorry your marriage lasted such a short time; but I think in the long run you've made the right decision.

I sort of wonder about her folks being here in the US. Are they legal? I sort of wonder if she wanted them to move into this condo of theirs and that "gift" of money was part of that. How large was this "only this one condo" that she had to have?

At any rate, I wish you well.

---

Well_Spent,
Your attitude is the result of not having yet met the person that will be your SO. Know that if you marry someone for the short-term (intending to leave the instant someone "better" comes along), that so called "better" shouldn't necessarily "trust you" ; I know that I wouldn't, because you already left one other woman you previously committed to... how long before I'd be the second statistic? That thought would be in my mind; I wouldn't trust you enough to commit to you. You may not understand this now; but hopefully you will, given time.

We all change over time, that includes our attitudes about another. Frankly it's the being and caring of another human that makes people really want to "do, live and be." Enjoying life is not always easy to do when you are alone. And working together to make the relationship (and marriage) work, is also part of the commitment and love and sharing. For better or for worse.... and there will occasionally be fights and arguements.

---

Maat55, your comments and attitude are much like I feel too for my DH. I know how much of a financial challange it has been for you and your wife... I'm glad that you and she feel the way you do.

---

LAL, I'd be curious to know what your definition of soulmate is? I'm not sure, but I think I believe in the concept; as I've seen married people think alike, and feel very much like this is so for me and DH as well. Sometimes we don't really have to talk, we just know what each other is going to say or do or what we're each feeling.

But I also believe that you are correct that marrying late has some advantages; I think people are more tuned to who they are and what they want for a partner in life and maybe the 30+ crowd is a bit more understanding and flexible with their SO.

Not to say that the younger people do not have those characteristics.... but I think time does make us see things differently. Just a natural part of "growing up" seems to encompass our changing from an introvert to an extrovert.

Does having "missed" a soulmate that could have been, mean that you get no other? I agree , I believe that anyone can be a true partner and become soulmates.... I don't think we're limited to one chance though.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Someone you were meant to be with? I believe that people think there are only one person they can be happy with. They are waiting for the perfect person. That person may or may not exist. My roommate is 32 and single. Why?? Too picky, waiting for a soulmate.

Truth is there are many women he'd probably have a fantastic life with and be truly happy with. I'm with my DH and fantastically happy! I also believe my high school boyfriend, very similar in personality to DH would have made me happy.

So to me, DH and I were right place, right time and we work at our relationship. It's not perfect, but we try.

Honestly? I am 30 now, and I have mostly single guy and girl friends. ALL have graduate or professional degrees. ALL are being too picky and waiting for the perfect person (soulmate).

To me it doesn't exist. To them it does.

I believe those in their 30s still looking are way pickier than someone in their 20s, especially early 20s. Everyone I know is looking for a graduate/professional degree. Stable job, career, money in the bank. Also you start to be very picky about looks as well. Then around 35 for women and 40 for men, I've noticed, the pickiness fades.

Why? Because everyone who wasn't so picky is with someone, getting on with their lives. They don't have time to travel the world, hang out for dinner, go do things on the weekend. They are busy with kids, work, a HOME. They have other responsibilities. This is already happening to my 32 year old roommate. He's hanging out with 22 year olds, and I don't think he gets how pathetic it's becoming. I told him he needs to give it up by the time he's 40, but honestly I think 35 he needs to stop, "going to the library to study."

When you are 22 and picking someone, it's more likely on physical attraction and then seeing if you get along. You aren't so concerned about how many kids they want, what career they have, etc. At least in my experience.

It's a very different mindset at 25 versus 35.

But it's up to the individual to decide what they will settle for. The soulmate who has passionate affair and romance of a dozen red roses ever week, super romantic getaways, etc? Someone who sees fireworks?

[mommyof4]

Originally Posted by moni727

BTW, I feel kinda weird posting my "business" out there on the 'net. Was that too much?? :/

Not at all.

[RedThunderBird]

let her go , and stay firm in your position ==== some cliches can be so true === if she comes back keep communication wide open , and your mouth quite closed , listen , and ask questions === about any topic , except the one closed == wish you well =====

[anonymous_saver]

Originally Posted by RadiatorRT

thanks for the input guys. i'm not going to sign anything...its just a stupid and reckless thing to do at my age, just needed to hear it from other people. i'm too stubborn. however, my marriage is a different story - will let you know how everythign turns out. manipulated is right..i dont have intestinal fortitude. told my parents whats going on and they are on my side..disneysteve: i'm going to move out and rent whether this marriage lasts or not, was tryign to save al ittle after paying off my undergrad loans. i just dont see why she doesnt want to rent, and she only wants this condo, ONLY this one. it's not even a cultural thing shes just being difficult, then accusing me of "controlling" her because im the only one who works and i dont want to buy a condo. thanks again for the input everyone. this really is a stupid move now that i have seen your responses and heard what my parents have to say.

wtf??!?

-jack

I am sorry for your situation, it must be tough. The big rational thing I would say to your wife if she is still pushing for the condo is to say this, "When I'm in medical school, and you don't work, how are we going to pay for the mortgage?? Or even if you are making 35-40k at that point, could we pay for the condo, my schooling, (potentially) kids, and everything else on that income?". Bring the #'s to the table with her, if she still thinks its okay, then she is not a rational person at all.

Good luck. Absolutely start renting, you decide if you want to maintain the relationship. If you do, let her have the option of renting with you or moving on.

I'll look forward to hearing what you decide to do.

[tripods68]

Here's what I was going to say. But nevermind...it's too late!

[GREENBACK]

Originally Posted by RadiatorRT

thanks for the input guys. i'm not going to sign anything...its just a stupid and reckless thing to do at my age

A little extra advice. I'm not sure what your total salry comes out to but that's a very expensive purchase at any life stage. It's nearly 5 times your "base" income. Don't do it now and don't do it later.

[RadiatorRT]

to everyone:

I said no, didn't get the condo, had a huge fallout for about a week, and now everything is back to normal and she doesn't mind living in my parents basement for a while until she finds a job and i start medical school, wont be forever. Still trying to get out of here though. It's amazing how money can tear apart a marriage. I'm 24, I can start over, but its shocking and eye-opening.

P.S. Feels good to put my foot down for once

[maat55]

If you are going to maintain this relationship, you may have to get used to the foot thing.