Need help making a huge financial decision!

[RadiatorRT]

thanks for the great responses. this morning i called the loan officer and cancelled the loan, getting my application fee back...so no money lost..didnt sign any contracts with the lawyer..getting off scott free. my wife however, says that she will move out and spend the weekend by her parents...shes depressed laying in bed all afternoon.. i know this isnt a marriage forum but finances are a major part of life and play such a huge role in all aspects of life, including marriage. sometimes leaning on family is the best thing to do. and some lessons in life are best learnt the hard way(especially if your stubborn like me and dont like to listen to what intelligent/experienced people have to say)...i have basically accepted the fact that this may end in divorce. a stupid reason to end, though.

-Jack

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by RadiatorRT

a stupid reason to end, though.

I don't think this is a stupid reason for divorce at all based on what you've told us. I wish you luck finding a woman who will share your views and work with you to build a life together, rather than one who expects you to meet her every demand, no matter how unreasonable it may be.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

It's not a stupid reason. No reason is stupid if to the person involved it's a deal breaker. I don't think you should give in, but I do understand how it can end a marriage.

Would I? No but everyone's tolerance levels are different. What they consider dealbreakers.

Consider some marriage can survive infidelity. Yet to other people there is no mending the relationship, it's over.

[EEinNJ]

You made the right decision not to continue with that deal. Since you are both young, and newly married, this is a real learning experience. Hopefully it will teach you to make big decisions together, with a long term perspective instead of "I want it" and emotional blackmail. Major disagreements don't have to mean divorce- it may mean you just haven't developed the relationship skills to resolve conflicts. A marriage also has to exist independently of either set of parents involvement.

[Scanner]

Hey, wait a minute.

When the father gives them a $150,000 to put down on a condo. . .whether the marriage ends in divorce or not, that's a tactical advantage.

Once it's gifted to him, he's just gotten $75,000 to take away in a divorce.

Just another evil perspective.

Yes, I agree she's being overly demanding and this marriage is probably doomed to fail, but why not have it fail with an extra 75K in his pocket?

[feh]

Originally Posted by Scanner

Hey, wait a minute.

When the father gives them a $150,000 to put down on a condo. . .whether the marriage ends in divorce or not, that's a tactical advantage.

Once it's gifted to him, he's just gotten $75,000 to take away in a divorce.

Just another evil perspective.

Yes, I agree she's being overly demanding and this marriage is probably doomed to fail, but why not have it fail with an extra 75K in his pocket?

Minus the $100K he'll owe for the condo. Or maybe the court would just give her the condo, depending on where they live.

[creditcardfree]

Originally Posted by Scanner

Hey, wait a minute.

When the father gives them a $150,000 to put down on a condo. . .whether the marriage ends in divorce or not, that's a tactical advantage.

Once it's gifted to him, he's just gotten $75,000 to take away in a divorce.

Just another evil perspective.

Yes, I agree she's being overly demanding and this marriage is probably doomed to fail, but why not have it fail with an extra 75K in his pocket?

That's not a risk I'd be willing to take. Are you sure that money would be split between the two? I can only imagine how much more crazy that divorce proceeding would go with that money involved. Definitely not worth it.

[RadiatorRT]

so, she asked for a divorce, who would have thought , hahaha...either way the green card gets cancelled if your not married for 2 years. sad really...thx for the advice everyone.

[feh]

Originally Posted by RadiatorRT

so, she asked for a divorce, who would have thought , hahaha...either way the green card gets cancelled if your not married for 2 years. sad really...thx for the advice everyone.

Wow, Man. Sorry to hear that. At least you know where things stand now, and you can make a fresh start.

[jsk]

Good that you are not going for the condo. With the plans you've for higher studies, got to be prudent with finance. Good luck. Hope things work out well for you.
As told by well_spent and couple of others, just make sure to wait before having a baby (intentionally or accidently!!!).

[Ima saver]

You made the right decision, we are proud of you!

[gamecock43]

wow I am late to the party here but: wow.
couple dates short term, gets married and only 1 person is working to earn an income? Said income earner wants to quit work to go to med school and unemployed wife is itching to get out of his parents basement and does not want to wait till med school is over- she wants to buy an expensive condo now.
Financially- although you are going through hassles and issues now with divorce threats, pressure and screaming fits- and you are all alone in this onslaught from her and her father...I imagine you would also be all alone 2 years from now when the bills are piled up, you cant afford med school anymore and are thinking of quitting halfway through, and you are in danger of foreclosing.
And I think she would leave you either way. If you wont get the condo, and also once you cant afford to finance her lifestyle anymore.

To salvage this- I can only think of waiting for her to cool down- and suggesting move into a rental. As a young woman myself- it might be really uncomfortable for her to live in the basement of her parents in law whom I think might be from a different culture. If you pose it to er as a last resort to make you both happy- she might warm up to the idea of finding an apt to rent.
In todays economy- you can find great rentals at greater prices.

[Well Spent]

Originally Posted by RadiatorRT

so, she asked for a divorce, who would have thought , hahaha...either way the green card gets cancelled if your not married for 2 years. sad really...thx for the advice everyone.

SO now you have your answer. You know how calculating and evil this woman and her father are. Congratulations, you dodged a bullet! Be glad it happened now. And be very careful about who you give your heart to next. It it important for you to work with a trusted counselor to explore why you were so vulnerable to a predator. It could be bad luck; but based on your thought process, I think your low self-esteem made you a target of this criminal.

Your story is another anecdote of why I am suspicious of marriage. On another thread, posters advise waiting until you're married to have sex. I can't think of a more ludicrous idea than that. Talk about marrying for the wrong reasons!

Again, really focus on yourself and your own goals for the next several years. If you marry, do not marry before 30 at minimum.You'd rather say "I wish I'd married years ago" than say "I wish I got to enjoy young adulthood, building a career, and learning about myself before legally and probably spiritually tying yourself to another person semi-permanently.

[moni727]

Well Spent, I must respectfully disagree. I think having a successful marriage has less to do with marrying an under 30, abstinent partner and more to do with choosing the right person.

I am 24, met my husband online, married him when I was a virgin and have a great relationship. I chose my husband very carefully. It was a completely logical decision. I evaluated his family, his values, work ethic, how he planned to raise kids and even his views on finances before I made the decision.

We spoke to my parents and extended family too. If they had given me the red light on the relationship, I would have ended it immediately. We also went to counseling and regularly read books together on becoming better partners.

We are both pretty mature (he is 26), and entered into this relationship with clear, logical reasons for wanting to. Now that we are together, we want to travel, enjoy life and experience it together. Unfortunately, I am laid off at the moment, and have returned to finish school while he supports me. We have made the financial adjustments for our life during the next rough year ahead, and since we are on the same financial wavelength, it is actually easy, because we encourage each other to save and cut spending.

Basically, I think it has more to do with the individual and the individual's maturity level. I prepared for a relationship and was ready when it happened. Most women and men my age don't have a clue!

Good luck to the OP during this rough time. Be careful of her begging for mercy and a second chance!

[blankcheck]

Originally Posted by Well Spent

Again, really focus on yourself and your own goals for the next several years. If you marry, do not marry before 30 at minimum.You'd rather say "I wish I'd married years ago" than say "I wish I got to enjoy young adulthood, building a career, and learning about myself before legally and probably spiritually tying yourself to another person semi-permanently.

...Or you can have a long term relationship fostered slowly, maintain both individual career/educational/entertainment/financial goals, and begin to find common ground with these goals as you move towards marriage, all before the age of 30 if that just coincidentally happens to be the time it occurs for you. There are 50 year-olds who should not be looking at marriage, and there are young adults who waste a chance at a more fulfilled married life, all because they create artificial timelines. There is no such thing as the ultimate lifestyle, be it married or single.

[moni727]

BTW, I feel kinda weird posting my "business" out there on the 'net. Was that too much?? :/

[maat55]

Originally Posted by Well Spent

SO now you have your answer. You know how calculating and evil this woman and her father are. Congratulations, you dodged a bullet! Be glad it happened now. And be very careful about who you give your heart to next. It it important for you to work with a trusted counselor to explore why you were so vulnerable to a predator. It could be bad luck; but based on your thought process, I think your low self-esteem made you a target of this criminal.

Your story is another anecdote of why I am suspicious of marriage. On another thread, posters advise waiting until you're married to have sex. I can't think of a more ludicrous idea than that. Talk about marrying for the wrong reasons!

Again, really focus on yourself and your own goals for the next several years. If you marry, do not marry before 30 at minimum.You'd rather say "I wish I'd married years ago" than say "I wish I got to enjoy young adulthood, building a career, and learning about myself before legally and probably spiritually tying yourself to another person semi-permanently.

I think your views on marriage and sex are whacked. Commitments are not built upon sex performance and age. Dedication, loyalty and love far outway superficial selfishness. You have to truly love someone to enjoy lifelong sex with one partner, you won't find that through new relation sex.

I knew my wife was my soulmate before we were married or had sex. We were married at 18 & 20. Despite our differences, I am excited to see her name on my cell phone, we still hold hands, she demands that we snuggle every night. Sex is meaningless if you do not have a greater bond than physical attraction.

Semi-permanently? Isn't that an oxy-moron?

[Well Spent]

Moni727, marrying at your age has been a good decision so far for you. I don't think RadiatorRT, at 24 already, should marry again until 30 so he has time to improve his self-esteem, explore dating, and complete medical school.

My statement wasn't a rule for everyone to not marry before 30. For some people, marriage at 20 is a great decision. My post was addressing RadiatorRT's specific needs.

[Well Spent]

Well Maat55, your soulmate may walk out on you someday. It happens all the time. You must know that it is a possibility. Semipermanently means none of us know where our lives will take us. Is it wrong to divorce and remarry another person who suits you better during a different stage of life? Not in my book. I don't want anyone to stay with me (who doesn't really want to be there) stay with me be cause we have a mortgage or a child together. Life has so many possibilities and choices. What we choose at 25 may not appeal to us at 45. Love should be a gift, not an obligation. I would never want a partner to stay with me out of duty. That's gross. Passion and enthusiasm are vital for a good relationship. That's not to say there won't be difficult periods and compromises are inevitable but I won't stay with someone because I don't want to pay alimony or because I'm afraid of not being able to pay the bills. Have skills for independence and bring those into an interdependent relationship that could end at any moment. That's all.

Also, demanding to snuggle every night? That's weird. I wouldn't want to snuggle with someone who demanded it from me. Buy her a Snuggie.

[Well Spent]

Originally Posted by maat55

You have to truly love someone to enjoy lifelong sex with one partner, you won't find that through new relation sex.

Sex is meaningless if you do not have a greater bond than physical attraction.

I agree with you here. except to say nothing has to be lifelong. Just take life as it comes without making permanent obligations.


If you made a bond at work over time with someone who fit better with you than your spouse, you should take it. Life is meant to be enjoyed, it's not an arduous struggle to get through.