In this situation would you give money to your kid?

[Goldy1]

Ok, you are a couple in your late 40's. Husband has a pension and retiree benefits including medical from his company. (retired) Husband also has a couple side business that earn a little money each year.
Wife workss a secure job in medical field earning about 30 K for part time work.
You have over 100K in the bank as savings, money in 401Ks for wife and husband. Home was paid off over 15 years ago. no cc debt and no other debt besides cars.
couple inherits 450K from a relative who was a parent. couple has an only child who is lower middle class and married. both the kid and the spouse work and are very responsible fiscally.
should the couple gift any money to the child or not?

[swanson719]

That's up to the parents - but in so doing, understand it to be exactly that - a gift. Don't get upset if they decide to use a little to take a vacation or do something extra that they've been planning on when they get better off financially. We all have financial goals and things we want to do when those goals have been met. If you meet their goals with this gift, don't judge them for how they spend it. At the same time, if you have something specific you want done with it, let them know that up front as opposed to you wanting it to be used as a down payment on a house, or to pay off debt, IRA, etc. A gift ought to be a gift, or given with the correct contexts at least. Otherwise, don't give it to them. If you can afford it in your current situation, and can live with the kid going out and spending it how they see fit and leaving it to their judgment, I highly encourage giving gifts. Just have the right attitude and don't hurt yourself financially, or come back 20 years from now and say you want them to do something since you did something for them.

[Goldy1]

the kids wanted about 10K or so to put on thier home principal during a refinance and the parents said no but proceeded to buy a 50K car etc. etc.
I guess my point is if it was my kid, I would spread the wealth if they proved responsible. The parents said no and the family didn't talk for years. yey money huh?

[MonkeyMama]

No. Sounds like ungrateful children.

I can not imagine feeling entitled to my parent's money. If they bought a $50k car, good for them!!

My original response was going to be: it just depends. But if my kids weren't going to speak to me and be mad that I spend it - then forget it. They certainly don't deserve it. I hope to raise my children better than that anyway.

[ea1776]

Originally Posted by MonkeyMama

No. Sounds like ungrateful children.

I can not imagine feeling entitled to my parent's money. If they bought a $50k car, good for them!!

My original response was going to be: it just depends. But if my kids weren't going to speak to me and be mad that I spend it - then forget it. They certainly don't deserve it. I hope to raise my children better than that anyway.

Agree with all that.

[kork13]

When my great-grandmother died, her daughters (my grandmother and great-aunt) decided to sell her home/property. They chose to distribute to proceeds of that sale to the entire extended family -- my siblings and I ended up receiving ~$50 each, my parents each ~$100, as did my cousins, aunts, uncles, and so on. They felt that it was a way to benefit the entire family, as my great-grandmother probably would have liked. However, that was completely their choice to make. No one expected anything, nor (IMO) should we have, regardless of how close some of us were (or were not) to her.

Basically, I agree with MM -- the children should not expect a handout from their parent's inheritances. If the parents should choose to offer it, great. If not, so be it. It's their money to do with as they choose, not the children's to demand.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by MonkeyMama

My original response was going to be: it just depends. But if my kids weren't going to speak to me and be mad that I spend it - then forget it. They certainly don't deserve it. I hope to raise my children better than that anyway.

Exactly. I agree with this.

If the parents gave the money as a gift of their own accord, particularly if it was a surprise, that would be fine and dandy. That's different than the kid asking for the money. The fact that the kid wouldn't talk to them because he didn't get the money make me agree with the above. He cared more about the money than he did about the relationship.

[wnlbutterfly]

First off, if I was the parent in that situation, yes, I would pass some money along to the kids.

If I were the kids, I would NOT EVER expect money from them in this situation.

My DH, step-father passed away last year. It was a blended family (they got married after we did). But he still had put into his will that each of the kids (including step kids) got $5k. We did not expect this and would have been fine if he hadn't done so, but it was very nice. Part of that went to my DD who is in college.

Finding out they already had bad blood with money prior, then I could see the parents not wanting to hand down some money now, and if they aren't careful they could get cut out of the will and see no money AT ALL.

[Goldy1]

Yes, however can't you see the kid's perspecitive in thinking it was "selfish" of the parents to not pass it on even if they didn't expect it? Then I suppose by them thinking it was selfish, that is expecting it.

[TBH]

I don't know. I don't think it was wrong that the kids asked for money. I think if you're financially responsible, but you could use a little help, and you know your parents are well provided for and even have extra cash, I don't see anything wrong with asking for a financial gift.

I do think it's wrong that the kids got all sulky and wouldn't talk to the parents.

If I were the parents I would have given money to my kid under those circumstances, but I don't fault the parents for saying no and buying something nice for themselves, either.

[Seeker]

Agree with the people keeping their inheritance.

Mainly because I do not see parents in the late forties owing anything more to thier children at this stage of their lives. In their late forties, these parents could very easily have 50+ more years to go. Let them enjoy their inheritance.

It's not the children's inheritance.... and with the childrens' feeling like that, I'd not leave it to my children either. Course, I don't have any, so it's sorta moot.

[Goldy1]

good perspectives. I suppose I was wrong in thinking the kids were somewhat entitled. I guess not. I suppose it's easy to just see your own point of view on things, and things aren't so black and white.

[wincrasher]

I guess I don't understand why, if parents have so much, and the kids needed such a small amount to facilitate a refinance, why wouldn't they give it to them? Understand that they don't HAVE to, but why wouldn't they want to?

If they are otherwise responsible and of such modest means, I can understand why they might have hurt feelings over the denial. Suspect that may be not just that they said no, but the way it was said.

[watsoninc]

Originally Posted by Seeker

Agree with the people keeping their inheritance.

Mainly because I do not see parents in the late forties owing anything more to thier children at this stage of their lives. In their late forties, these parents could very easily have 50+ more years to go. Let them enjoy their inheritance.

It's not the children's inheritance.... and with the childrens' feeling like that, I'd not leave it to my children either. Course, I don't have any, so it's sorta moot.

I 100% agree. If the kids are grown, and the parents want to play, it is completely alright with me. I think the parents already did the most important parts: raising responsible adults. Now it is time for the kids to succeed in life, just as their parents. Unfortunately, the children missed the lessons on jealousy.

If the parents want to do something on their own accord, that's their business, but the sense of entitlement in the children is just so sickening.

[parafly]

The parents were selfish, and the children were childish. IMO, both are at fault.

[FrugalFish]

I don't know. This is a very interesting question- there really are no right or wrong answers, I suppose.

I look at my 3 year old DD and can't imagine not helping her out in that situation, BUT then I think about all the things that will happen between us as she grows up and becomes independent. Some things might happen that might make me feel she shouldn't have the money.

I was raised in a family where we were told to expect no inheritance. Our parents and grandparents have done very well for themselves, but would rather see that money passed on to charities. Their feelings are that they are self made (really they aren't) and that everyone else can be too. I understand to some extent, but it feels cold also- then again, that's how my family is.

As the child of the above scenario, I would certainly not expect anything. As the parent of the child in the above scenario, I would hope things were such that I would want to do that for my daughter.

[Caoineag]

I am always surprised at how much people feel entitled to someone else's money (not sure why, I am a natural cynic so you would think I would expect that from people). Parent's money is parent's money, period. Given what happened when the parents refused, I would say the parents knew their children needed to learn to stop asking for handouts and that was why they said no.

That said, I don't think parents are entitled to their children's money either.

[woodie96]

Considering the fact that the couple is in their 40's.....the 100K in the bank is nowhere near what they will need for retirement in 25 or so years. Maybe they got started saving late in life, probably partly due to overindulgence for the single child, and the 450K finally gets them where they need to be.
Yeah lil johnny could have used 10K or so for the refinance, but the 10K I don't think will make a significant difference. Maybe it would help get lil johnny qualified for the refi, but the 10K over the life of the refi and the long haul is sure a petty reason not to talk to your folks.
Seems lil johnny might have had his way most of the time growing up, and now doesn't like to be told no.

[watsoninc]

Self-care is not the same as selfishness.

This family is clearly in need of some boundaries, and kudos to the parents for enforcing them. It's their right to do with their money what they will, and for the kids to not talk to them because of that may demonstrate how their relationship was dependent on their parent's benevolence. What jealous parasites!

I think the grown children's reaction completely reduces their relationship from family to a business transaction.

[tomer]

IMO, giving money to the kids should be limited. You should not make them use to a situation which they get money whenever they want.
Give them their money per month, in my opinion.