Couples and their finances

[maat55]

I wonder why two adults have such a hard time sitting down and planning their budget and future goals.

Early in our mariage, I let my wife run the household finances while I ran the business. Neither of us were financially smart, but we managed. Many years later, I became a DR fan and became very proactive about our finances.

I'm not a peoples person, as many of you know, but a couple should be able to sit down and plan their budgets and goals together. It seems personal finance is like a taboo few people can agree on. I'm constantly trying to find ways to better our position and prepare for future possible setbacks.

My wife has no desire to discuss our finances and at the same time, fights me on every change I want to make. Am I the olny one with this problem?

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by maat55

I wonder why two adults have such a hard time sitting down and planning their budget and future goals.

Early in our mariage, I let my wife run the household finances while I ran the business. Neither of us were financially smart, but we managed. Many years later, I became a DR fan and became very proactive about our finances.

I'm not a peoples person, as many of you know, but a couple should be able to sit down and plan their budgets and goals together. It seems personal finance is like a taboo few people can agree on. I'm constantly trying to find ways to better our position and prepare for future possible setbacks.

My wife has no desire to discuss our finances and at the same time, fights me on every change I want to make. Am I the olny one with this problem?

You're not alone.

DH just asks me one question: Can we afford it?

So I plan alone for now.

And his question gets answered with a yes or a no depending on what he's asking about. Sometimes it gets answered with a "Do you really NEED it now?" At which point he answers his own question.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

It depends. My DH just hates listening to it, he seems to trust me implicitly. He asks the same as Seeker, can we afford it?

He doesn't really care about much else. He knows I am a saver, responsible with money, so he said what's the big deal?

He has trouble doing things on a schedule, so he isn't good about paying bills. I took over bill pay pretty much the day we meet, he used to have to do autopay.

[sweeps]

Originally Posted by maat55

I wonder why two adults have such a hard time sitting down and planning their budget and future goals.

Many couples don't communicate well, period.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

It is not a problem with us. I am usually the originator of an idea to make any financial change --like how to arrange retirement savings, when to buy a house, whether to stop funding one plan and switch to another, whether to apply for a certain credit card, whether to buy furniture, increase a regular a donation or make a new one-time-only one, meet with an adviser, get a new roof, refinance the house, get a better furnace, and so on. Not all the time am I the originator, but usually. Husband and I will talk about it and look into options, verify whether the option really is timely or advantageous, kind of re-rank our priorities if necessary, and look to the impact on future needs, wants, and obligations. We are slow to act, I have to say. But that is okay because we never paint ourselves into a corner where we have no good options. Plus, we have just been blessed to have pretty good luck, not too many unforeseeable, unimaginable expenses to disrupt our finances.

Husband is usually the one to pull off the nitty-gritty of big financial changes. Uh, sometimes that just means he is the one to go do the actual paperwork, negotiate on a contract, or even just make the phone calls. Thank goodness, because the tedium of that kind of thing wears me out. I am so, so, so glad he usually does it.

We are both practiced at choosing to delay gratification and that helps a lot. We've been trying to get our savings up a bit over the last 16 months since we had to buy a car when we were not expecting it (Internal combustion became external combustion! Nobody hurt). We both just buckled down more. Soon those savings will be restored.

Count us among those couples who have never argued about money. Our values are very close and to some degree our "styles" of thinking are as well so conflicting money issues just don't occur.

The main difference between us is that I have general fear for the future when it comes to money and he is fairly confident about it. So he reassures me that we are doing very well in planning for the future, while I inspire him to do even better for the future by moderating spending in the present.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

My DH just hates listening to it, he seems to trust me implicitly.

He knows I am a saver, responsible with money

That describes my wife. I make an effort to sit down with her a few times a year and review our spreadsheet. She listens, pays attention, asks a few questions, and then lets it all go right out of her head. She knows I know what I'm doing. She trusts that I'm doing what is in our best interest. She knows that I will talk with her before making any major changes to our financial lives. She just sees no need to be actively involved beyond that.

We never fight about money. We are both frugal, careful shoppers, cautious with our spending. There is no need for me to track her spending or for her to track mine. It just isn't necessary. We communicate very well and money management is totally a non-issue in our relationship.

[Snave]

My wife and I are fortunatley on the same page financially also. She is not as big into the investing party as I am, but she know it is important and knows why we keep a budget, etc... She just doesn't want the responsibility of handling the retirement accounts, etc... On the other hand, she handles our day-to-day finances and keeps us within budget. She has read all of the books (DR, Millionaire Next Door, Automatic Milliaonaire, etc...) and understands the importance. She just is not going to sit down and look through investment options. I guess we fit that stereotypical guy does the investing and gal does the day-to-day finances. We both know we are doing our part.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by Snave

My wife and I are fortunatley on the same page financially also. She is not as big into the investing party as I am, but she know it is important and knows why we keep a budget, etc... She just doesn't want the responsibility of handling the retirement accounts, etc... On the other hand, she handles our day-to-day finances and keeps us within budget. She has read all of the books (DR, Millionaire Next Door, Automatic Milliaonaire, etc...) and understands the importance. She just is not going to sit down and look through investment options. I guess we fit that stereotypical guy does the investing and gal does the day-to-day finances. We both know we are doing our part.

My wife, though her hearts not in it, follows the plan. I should say to everyone that my wife is a great mother and wife, her only flaw is finances. Because this is a finance forum and I've made many some what negative refferences concerning my wifes views toward finances, I feel I should clearify these facts.

I would love to know what its like to be on the same page though. Congrats Snave.

[jIM_Ohio]

Just because you or I obsess about money does not mean our wives must follow suit. It's probably a good thing my wife wants little to do with financial planning- fewer arguments or debates about it.

My wife runs the day to day check book and pays the bills. She is also quite patient. That really helps when you need s 50k medical bill knocked down to $100 or $1000 with the insurance company.

I handle the mid term and long term plan, and the budget. No guarantee my wife follows the budget month to month, but I know we come close.

The budget is the only thing the two of us discuss together. I do the retirement planning and mid term planning part, she does the checkbook.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by jIM_Ohio

Just because you or I obsess about money does not mean our wives must follow suit. It's probably a good thing my wife wants little to do with financial planning- fewer arguments or debates about it.

My wife runs the day to day check book and pays the bills. She is also quite patient. That really helps when you need s 50k medical bill knocked down to $100 or $1000 with the insurance company.

I handle the mid term and long term plan, and the budget. No guarantee my wife follows the budget month to month, but I know we come close.

The budget is the only thing the two of us discuss together. I do the retirement planning and mid term planning part, she does the checkbook.

I remmember years ago when DW and I would go to the grocery store with our calculator, we had to back then. When she ran the checkbook, bills got paid late and many times I had to take money from the business to catch her up. Things work much better with me running all the finances. I just wish she would take a little interest in the process.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Why? I get a once a year meeting and it had better be fast. We're maxing out retirement, here's our retirement choices, this is what we are saving for, we can't afford X, Y, and Z.

Pretty much one hour of time is what I get and that's it, maybe. I tell DH please back up my files, everything is electronic. He knows where it is but he has no idea what he would be looking for.

He also grumbles incessently about having a BofA checking and HSBC online savings. He says too complicated, he complains, complains, complains. So now I don't bother him, because he'll whine too many accounts, not that he does anything.

Geez a lou. I am trying to streamline even our credit cards, but since we max out our rewards we need more than one. He complains about that. Enough!

He devotes no time to a budget, investements, etc. So why is he complaining? Better off not talking to him except once a year.

And besides I don't pay CC interest, I don't buy more than I can afford, and I don't spend money in general. Once in awhile he'll want to do something and we'll talk.

Wish he'd plan major home renovations at the beginning of the year but he doesn't.

[Caoineag]

Husband and I are on the same page. If I asked him to take over the finances, he would and he could do it well. I just tend to investigate and plan changes so I tend to start things. I also like controlling the bill paying because I am a control freak and always have to make sure things are paid. We plan things together just like we always have.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

Why? I get a once a year meeting and it had better be fast. We're maxing out retirement, here's our retirement choices, this is what we are saving for, we can't afford X, Y, and Z.

Pretty much one hour of time is what I get and that's it, maybe. I tell DH please back up my files, everything is electronic. He knows where it is but he has no idea what he would be looking for.

He also grumbles incessently about having a BofA checking and HSBC online savings. He says too complicated, he complains, complains, complains. So now I don't bother him, because he'll whine too many accounts, not that he does anything.

Geez a lou. I am trying to streamline even our credit cards, but since we max out our rewards we need more than one. He complains about that. Enough!

He devotes no time to a budget, investements, etc. So why is he complaining? Better off not talking to him except once a year.

And besides I don't pay CC interest, I don't buy more than I can afford, and I don't spend money in general. Once in awhile he'll want to do something and we'll talk.

Wish he'd plan major home renovations at the beginning of the year but he doesn't.

I wish we could put our finances on autopilot, but thats not realistic. All DW wants to do is retain the status quo. I need to buy a building in the near future and I would like to move into town to lessen our travel costs. I also would like to increase our investing. She wants to stay put and decrease our investing as our cost of living increases.

I say, we have to increase our income to stay in this house and a month later nothing has changed. She has no plan and does everything she can to advoid financial communication. She accually thought that we could retire on SS. I'm living with a financial two year old. Things need to be discussed and there is only one adult at the table.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

That's a different story. DH just feels okay with me doing it. NOT that he doesn't care. He cares.

[Seeker]

LivingAlmostLarge and I sound as if we have the same hubbys.

My DH cares too, he just does not want to deal with it. His past financial history includes a BK and pre-meeting DH, I already had a condo, car fully paid etc. He too, knows that I'm financially responsible and trusts me with the $'s we earn.

He cares and he also wants to help. But his concept of outgo and income does not relate. He just does not keep track of things well (selective memory?). Pre-planning and sticking to it for the goal down the line is what he has trouble with. That's why we had to give each other an allowance separate from the budget.

[Thrif-t]

Originally Posted by maat55

I'm living with a financial two year old. Things need to be discussed and there is only one adult at the table.

LOL this is my DH too. I made a journal with all our financial info in it for him if anything happened to me. Everything is written down in that book. He has absolutely no idea nor does he want to. Although he says he could do it if he didn't have me...but definetely not as good.haha I've even taken to showing my DD12 where some things are and how to do them if need be because it worries me what their life would be w/o me. He'd knows we have an ING account but would be clueless how to get to the money without the journal. I have to admit I do like taking care of everything but I do wish he'd take more of an interest in it so I'd have someone to talk to. I'll be getting an inheritance and I have a thread on here about it and when I try to tell him some of the advise I've gotten he just doesn't care says he knows I'll make the best decision. But sometimes I don't want it all on me to decide

[maat55]

I hate to say it, but my wife alone, would end up BK at sometime. She wouldn't do it quick but it would happen. Her credit score would tank in a hurry.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by Thrif-t

LOL this is my DH too. I made a journal with all our financial info in it for him if anything happened to me. Everything is written down in that book. He has absolutely no idea nor does he want to. Although he says he could do it if he didn't have me...but definetely not as good.haha I've even taken to showing my DD12 where some things are and how to do them if need be because it worries me what their life would be w/o me. He'd knows we have an ING account but would be clueless how to get to the money without the journal. I have to admit I do like taking care of everything but I do wish he'd take more of an interest in it so I'd have someone to talk to. I'll be getting an inheritance and I have a thread on here about it and when I try to tell him some of the advise I've gotten he just doesn't care says he knows I'll make the best decision. But sometimes I don't want it all on me to decide

You know that loud scream you get when you take something away from a baby. Reminds me of DW when I tell her we have to move, or drive less, or work more hours etc. Not being on the same page is a bummer.

[Thrif-t]

Ya plus I get tired of always being told I'm CHEAP!!

[billchrz]

maat55,

My wife is exactly like yours. She wants nothing to do with finances, budgets, discussion, etc. Worst of all she comes from a family that was fairly well off and doesn't have any self control when it comes to spending.

My main complaint is that she gets pissed off at me when I tell her that we need to save money, save for retirement, get on a budget, etc. She has no sense of the future and what it takes to live comfortably.