Couples and their finances

[maat55]

Originally Posted by billchrz

maat55,

My wife is exactly like yours. She wants nothing to do with finances, budgets, discussion, etc. Worst of all she comes from a family that was fairly well off and doesn't have any self control when it comes to spending.

My main complaint is that she gets pissed off at me when I tell her that we need to save money, save for retirement, get on a budget, etc. She has no sense of the future and what it takes to live comfortably.

What we need is for one of those silly romance novelist to write a tricky romance-finance book.

[scfr]

maat55,

Firstly, I'd suggest that you keep trying to communicate with your wife about finances. I may be reading too much in to your comments, but it sounds like in addition to some annoyance you are also genuinely concerned that if you weren't around your family's finances would suffer terribly.

Secondly, I'd suggest that you accept the fact that your wife probably will not ever be as interested in finances as you are, so just focus on what you feel are the really important issues and let the rest go.

Thirdly, I'd suggest you speak to her in a language she understands. If she's in to sports, use sports analogies. If she's in to cooking, compare finances to a recipe. If she's in to fashion, compare it to putting together a wardrobe.

Finally, please be encouraging. Obviously, you're much better at finances than she is. Don't make her feel like you think she's stupid. Encourage any progress she makes.

[scfr]

Originally Posted by maat55

What we need is for one of those silly romance novelist to write a tricky romance-finance book.

Oh ... Does she like romance novels?

Well, maybe someone on this forum who reads them can tell you the typical formula (plot line), and we can come up with a way to relate it to PF?

[maat55]

Originally Posted by scfr

Oh ... Does she like romance novels?

Well, maybe someone on this forum who reads them can tell you the typical formula (plot line), and we can come up with a way to relate it to PF?

I'm open to anything.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Sit and talk over a meal out. That's the only way I get DH to really listen. Without me, he would put everything on autopilot. Autopilot car payment, autopilot retirement, savings, etc. He's a very CHEAP guy and not spendy. When we meet he had like $30k saved and we could buy a condo together and he bought his own car and a small loan $5k.

My DH isn't irresponsible with money, heck no. It's just that he really isn't that into it.

I'm okay with that and he's completely into trusting me so he's more lax.

I break it down into small sessions if we have to talk focus on ONE point. Like today over dinner out I discussed if we should keep ESPP (on 7/1) invested or flip it and put it into a Money Market. We discussed the volatility and our chosen risk, and whether we were okay losing money. And how much we should leave in there?

That was about 10 minutes and that's it for awhile. Other money discussion was we can't afford an expensive vacation this summer, just a cheaper one. Another 10 minutes deciding how much to spend.

So 20 minutes. You gotta choose your battles before the uninteresed financial person stops listening, maat.

Besides, you have us to talk to. Your spouse probably like mine doesn't want to talk finances all the time.

[cptacek]

Gosh, we talk about money every couple of days. And, every Sunday I balance the check books and talk to him about what farm expenses are coming up that week. I handle all the investments, taxes, tracking everything, and I'll have him look at the spreadsheet with the current bills and the projected expenses to let him know how we are doing and what I need coming in from the farm in order to keep er rolling.

I keep getting sideswiped by bills I don't know about ahead of time, though. This month we have a $900 crop insurance bill due that I found out about earlier this month. I tried to have him tell me the known bills in January so I could plan for it, but he simply forgot about this one. Next year will be much easier to plan for, because I'll have everything we spent money on this year itemized out.

The one big fight we've had so far (only married 5 months) is that before I took over the bills he never kept receipts. I need him to keep them for two reasons...checkbook balancing and tax deductions. If we don't write off all the expenses we legitimately can, that is like missing out on a 25% discount. It took about 3 months for him to get in the habit of grabbing the receipt whenever he buys something, but now it is automatic.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

Sit and talk over a meal out. That's the only way I get DH to really listen. Without me, he would put everything on autopilot. Autopilot car payment, autopilot retirement, savings, etc. He's a very CHEAP guy and not spendy. When we meet he had like $30k saved and we could buy a condo together and he bought his own car and a small loan $5k.

My DH isn't irresponsible with money, heck no. It's just that he really isn't that into it.

I'm okay with that and he's completely into trusting me so he's more lax.

I break it down into small sessions if we have to talk focus on ONE point. Like today over dinner out I discussed if we should keep ESPP (on 7/1) invested or flip it and put it into a Money Market. We discussed the volatility and our chosen risk, and whether we were okay losing money. And how much we should leave in there?

That was about 10 minutes and that's it for awhile. Other money discussion was we can't afford an expensive vacation this summer, just a cheaper one. Another 10 minutes deciding how much to spend.

So 20 minutes. You gotta choose your battles before the uninteresed financial person stops listening, maat.

Besides, you have us to talk to. Your spouse probably like mine doesn't want to talk finances all the time.

I think she will slowly come around. But she fights very hard to keep the status quo. Unlike her, I don't care what family or friends would think if we were to buy a less expensive house and drive cheaper cars. I hate that in the end, I have to demand, to make the necessary changes and when I don't I fear that we are at risk.

As we sit, we are debtfree other than the house. We have an EF of 10,000. We are investing 550.00 into IRA's and 600.00 into savings for a car-wedding-building fund. We can last a few years on the cars. The wedding though not set, could be early next year. The building is a monster in the closet.

I rent from my uncle at a very cheap rate. But the roof needs to be replaced and he will not do it. The city is planning to buy it out at a date undetermined. I could buy the building or move to another at a higher rent or purchase. Because we have next to nothing saved for a purchase-move, I feel we should sell our house and move to town freeing up equity and lowering our fuel costs. She wants to stay here and pray the sun will shine.

If the city buys him out soon, I will be forced to move and take on a higher rent, lowering my income substantially forcing us to move or invest much less. Here in lies the problem, I'm not giving an inch on the investing.

Life is full of fun challenges!!

[jimstolz76]

This thread hits home for me. My wife took over paying the bills a few months ago and is much better at it than I ever was. Now we're making a little more money and are finally 'safe', except no savings. I'm all into aggressively saving and later investing, but she has no interest in any of it. To her, we make more money so now she thinks we can just get all the little things we "need." Then we'll just put away the 'extra' money that's left over..........................

So I guess we're in the stereotype as well.


edit: 'safe' = bare minimum paychecks are more than expenses. Just wanted to clarify that I whole-heartedly realize that we are NOT safe without savings...

[maat55]

Originally Posted by jimstolz76

This thread hits home for me. My wife took over paying the bills a few months ago and is much better at it than I ever was. Now we're making a little more money and are finally 'safe', except no savings. I'm all into aggressively saving and later investing, but she has no interest in any of it. To her, we make more money so now she thinks we can just get all the little things we "need." Then we'll just put away the 'extra' money that's left over..........................

So I guess we're in the stereotype as well.


edit: 'safe' = bare minimum paychecks are more than expenses. Just wanted to clarify that I whole-heartedly realize that we are NOT safe without savings...

The best thing you could do is convince your wife that you should live on no more than 90% of your income and invest the rest, after building an 3 to 6 month EF. Don't wait to late in life to reap the rewards of compound interest.

[ThriftoRama]

My hubby is just not interested in the details. As long as there is food on the table and we're saving something, he's fine. I do all the financial planning and such, which is fine with me because I'm better at it and it works for us. This works well for us only because our wants are few and we are both generally live a low maintenance inexpensive life. It also works because we agree on basic tenants of finance-- no debt. If we have to take out a loan for it, we can't afford it. Period. So we'll just make do without.

[aukxsona]

My family is a lot like everyone elses. My husband is a sweet fellow that could do the bills, but has ZERO interest. He doesn't care what i do as long as food is on the table, the electric is on, we have phone and internet, and medicine. If the bills are paid he could care less. If I save money though he wants to buy some new fancy computer gizmo. I usually explain that the money earmarked for X Y or Z and he doesn't complain. For example, with our taxes he wanted a new computer case. His old one works fine it's just ugly. It would be about 100 bucks. I consider this pissing money away honestly. I said , "Honey i know you never buy anything for yourself at all but.. we need food, I need a vehicle and I need the equipment to process food." He relented. I promise he will ask for another computer gizmo before the end of the year. The thing is I just bought top of the line headphones for 30 bucks!

Other than computer parts once a year he is frugal. He is so frugal I had to force him to go to the dentist. I actually had to persuade him he could still get his graphics card if he went to the dentist other wise he wouldn't have gone! That's silly honestly and embarrassing. In the future I intend to do a yearly update so he doesn't ask to piss away our emergency funds.

[Snave]

I work out of the house a few days a week and my wife just walked in to my office and gave me my monthly allowance. Ahh, I love the beginning of the month. She just went today and pulled our cash out for our envelopes and our budget is now set for July.

[prosper]

This is a very interesting subject. The only people that I have found that find finance interesting are the participants on this board. I come to this site to satisfy my thirst for finance. Same thing wth math. I like math and most people do not. I like music theory and most people do not.

[EllaMinnowPee]

Hey there- my problem is similar to yours. We have some retirement savings but it's not nearly enough. We were both just hiding our heads in the sand when it came to retirement savings for the first 10 years of our marriage. A few months ago I became interested in budgeting and saving for retirement, but my husband is reluctant to come on board. I brought him to a meeting with our financial advisor and he showed us the amount we'd have to put away each month to retire comfortably. My husband was shocked, but he is still reluctant to make changes in our budget now in order to save for the future. I have always been frugal and don't spend a lot of money on extras, so most of the spending changes will have to be on his part. I'm trying to make changes in the way we spend our money our money so we can save more, (changing banks to get a higher interest rate, etc) but there's no way we will be able to put enough in our retirement accounts each month if he doesn't change his spending habits. I suggested using a "cash-in-envelope" type of budget for categories like dining out and recreation, but he balked at that- it's too inconvenient for him. He's resentful that I am asking him to spend less, and I'm resentful that I have to do all the research and work. It's a stressful time in our relationship now, but I know we'll come through it. I'd rather go through this now than when we're 65. I'm thinking of making a big chart to hang up in our office that tracks our savings. If he can see the positive results of our efforts, I think he'll get more and more enthusiastic about it as we get closer and closer to our goal.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by EllaMinnowPee

Hey there- my problem is similar to yours. We have some retirement savings but it's not nearly enough. We were both just hiding our heads in the sand when it came to retirement savings for the first 10 years of our marriage. A few months ago I became interested in budgeting and saving for retirement, but my husband is reluctant to come on board. I brought him to a meeting with our financial advisor and he showed us the amount we'd have to put away each month to retire comfortably. My husband was shocked, but he is still reluctant to make changes in our budget now in order to save for the future. I have always been frugal and don't spend a lot of money on extras, so most of the spending changes will have to be on his part. I'm trying to make changes in the way we spend our money our money so we can save more, (changing banks to get a higher interest rate, etc) but there's no way we will be able to put enough in our retirement accounts each month if he doesn't change his spending habits. I suggested using a "cash-in-envelope" type of budget for categories like dining out and recreation, but he balked at that- it's too inconvenient for him. He's resentful that I am asking him to spend less, and I'm resentful that I have to do all the research and work. It's a stressful time in our relationship now, but I know we'll come through it. I'd rather go through this now than when we're 65. I'm thinking of making a big chart to hang up in our office that tracks our savings. If he can see the positive results of our efforts, I think he'll get more and more enthusiastic about it as we get closer and closer to our goal.

You sure find out how childish adults can be when it comes to saving for retirement. Since my wife had no desire to talk or plan for the future, I had to tell her it's my way or the high-way. I would much more prefer that we could agree on this, as simple and necessary as it is. How to get a spouse onboard is mystical endeavor.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Ouch, I'd be pissed if you told me my way or high-way. I hate when I'm treated like a child.

I try to keep it simple because if I treat my DH like a child he gets more mad.

[maat55]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

Ouch, I'd be pissed if you told me my way or high-way. I hate when I'm treated like a child.

I try to keep it simple because if I treat my DH like a child he gets more mad.

It was do that or retire broke, I was left no option.

[Snave]

Originally Posted by maat55

It was do that or retire broke, I was left no option.

You wouldn't retire broke. You'd just never get to retire!

[scfr]

Originally Posted by maat55

You sure find out how childish adults can be when it comes to saving for retirement. Since my wife had no desire to talk or plan for the future, I had to tell her it's my way or the high-way. I would much more prefer that we could agree on this, as simple and necessary as it is. How to get a spouse onboard is mystical endeavor.

If I may be frank, saying "my way or the highway" might not be the best way to get your wife on board. In fact, it may be one of the worst ways. (If I were given those options, it would be the open road for me!)

If you push someone too hard, they're going to push back.

If you're not having much luck catching flies with vinegar, why not try some honey?

[maat55]

Originally Posted by scfr

If I may be frank, saying "my way or the highway" might not be the best way to get your wife on board. In fact, it may be one of the worst ways. (If I were given those options, it would be the open road for me!)

If you push someone too hard, they're going to push back.

If you're not having much luck catching flies with vinegar, why not try some honey?

I've been in this mariage 25 years and pretty well know what will and won't work. There's no tray with honey when she wants something. I don't have five years to figure out how to get her on board. Besides, when I said highway, I meant I would go.

Not to worry, were on a plan that works and everbody's happy. Were just not the team I wish we could be. And my plan is less aggressive as I would like it to be.

The question to answer is: What do you do when one partner wants be financially responsible and the other doesn't have a clue or care what that means?

Snave,

Exactly.