Help! Do I need to move??

[aevans1206]

I agree that the real rub involved is the marriage. Your first and primary job is to make sure your son is well taken care of and is secure. This goes well beyond moving. You need to be in a good emotional state as well as a financial one to provide this environment for him. Your husband has to make a choice: a) get the medical attention needed so he can obtain work or b) move with you. His refusal to do anything to help you and your son's situation is causing undue stress on your family. You should move and perhaps feel secure in that decision.

[ea1776]

Originally Posted by ceejay74

I agree with this. I moved 4 times with my parents before high school and didn't mind at all. Once was a pretty noticeable downsize and even that didn't faze me.

On the other hand, friends of mine whose parents fought a lot, or were financially insecure, do remember that from their childhood as a negative. This would probably affect your kid much more in the long run than moving.

I'd have to agree with all this as well. I moved over 5 times from the time I was born until high school. My parents divorced when I was in 2nd grade. Looking back on it, I think it made me and my sisters more easily to adapt to dynamic situations. That which does not kill us only makes us stronger...

Good luck smileybear. I'll be rooting for you.

[smileybear]

Hi everyone

I didn't get to log in earlier today and want to just say thanks for all the advice and help. Right now I am thinking in terms of the BIG items - saving $1K on rent immediately is more of a concern than whether my utils are $300 or $325.. (they are actually 436 with cable thrown in but not cell phone which is another $88 then once I have some breathing room to work on the details.

It's true that the relationship is the biggest issue, and i wonder if the move idea is just way to avoid the relationship issue, but honestly, I have asked and asked for other ideas and am met with negativity and diversion tactics. So yes, I do know what to do, I just don't like it, but I think I mentoned before, the alternatives (continued financial distress and ruin) are not acceptable options!!

Smiley

PS - I am happy to report that 2nd job is one I have basically created for myself, keeps me home, is totally flexible, I work late after my son is in bed. And he understands when I have deadlines. He's a great kid, and counseling is definitely in teh cards if just to help keep him that way!

PPS - I will be sure to update everyone, I'll try to keep it light on the drama....

[cptacek]

Originally Posted by smileybear

PPS - I will be sure to update everyone, I'll try to keep it light on the drama....

Hey, we don't mind a little drama around here every now and then. Keeps us on our toes. You might think about creating a blog for yourself, so you can pour your heart out there and ask specific questions here. (At the top of this web page look for the "Member Blogs" link and start writing!)

It sounds like you and your husband need a moderator to keep this specific conversation on track. You try to bring it up and he deflects attention to the problem by throwing a fit and using your emotions about your son against you. Do you go to church? Could the pastor/priest/rabbi/etc help you with this? They have seen and heard it all, so don't worry about that. And it is probably free. I don't know of any non-religious counseling services, though others on here might.

[Heart-Of-God]

Smilybear,
I hate to say this, but I think the baggage you are carrying is not your debt, it's your husband. Why in the world does he refuse to work? And how did you get in a pattern of allowing him to do this? It's true that you teach people how to treat you. That being said, I think you should definitely move. Better yet, if you can find family to live with for a whie, it might not be a bad idea, at least for a while. I hope this helps.

[LuxLiving]

Welcome Smileybear,

Irregardless of whether the marriage dissolves, at least a temporary separation sounds to be in order, as it might get your husband on track to solutions to HIS problems.

Meanwhile, back in the wallet, even if he was permanently disabled and unable to work, you easily make a sufficient salary to do all the things you discussed - live in a nice place, make retirement and college savings investments and have an emergency fund. You just need to shift gears.

Make a list of priorities and start working it. The nicest house in the neighborhood may have to fall down on the list FOR NOW to just sufficiently nice housing, depending on the COL in your area. Once fully funding your 401K, having a fully funded IRA every year and BASIC bills paid, food on the table, an emergency fund in place, etc., then you can go back to higher cost housing down the road. Necessaries FIRST, wants second!

I liked the idea of third-party arbitration between you and your spouse. Even if you stay together and just one of you works, you make a salary that should cover the basics, but I'd keep in mind that with just one salary coming in you need to think how you'd Long-Term sustain the lifestyle you create on just one income? You will both have to be on board to becoming very aggressive savers now and downsizing the housing arrangements would allow for much more to be put back towards retirement. It's coming!

So if husband doesn't make the cut? A single on your salary should be able to have a nice home, a good standard of living, plus be able to put back for retirement and a college education for your child. Just a matter of getting the money you make working for you. Don't throw out by the shoveful what you're working so hard to bring in the door. Shuffle up the money cards and rearrange where you're putting it!

If Hubby doesn't like it? He could get on board and be part of the solution and the rewards. Right now he wants all of the rewards with none of the sweat!

Question: Are you on a month to month rental now? How will you get out of the place you are in? I'm just thinking if you make actual steps towards getting another place your husband may decide to jump on board. But please be careful, your husband sounds on the edge of being verbally abusive and depressed. It's only a step away from physical abuse so please proceed with caution!!

[maat55]

Too often, many people worry about what the neighbors or their friends will think, when they move or separate from a spouse. I'm sure that most of my friends think i've went off the deep end, due to my total money makeover.

For me, trying to keep up appearences was holding me back. The true friends that I have will understand and any others, who cares.

Do what you have to do, so that later, when you are standing well, you will be standing well. Good luck.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by maat55

trying to keep up appearences was holding me back.

Very good point. And it isn't just keeping up appearances to those on the outside but also those closest to us. That's what I said earlier about women struggling to keep their home after a divorce. They want to try and maintain everything the same "for the kids' sake" when the reality is that things aren't the same. The sooner you acknowledge that and move on, the better off you'll be. (And that isn't directed at the OP, just meant as a general comment).