I'm I being too frugal with my wife?

[Snave]

I think this might have been asked earlier, but what does she think would be fair? Look, if it is an extra $50-100 a month, and she earns it and you have 8 months of EF and are saving 30% of your income, it is not going to kill you financially to do this. However, if you don't, she may come to resent it and nobodies happy if momma ain't happy!

[cptacek]

If she really doesn't have a clue about the unique finances of your household, then I understand why she might think that isn't enough. She probably knows how much she makes and then compares it to $350 a month that you "let" her have and then she craps her pants.

I mean, if you both together, make $75,000, and she makes 3 times more than you do, then she is making $56,000ish a year or $4687 a month, right? $350 a month doesn't look like much compared to $4687. If she doesn't know what else the money is being spent on, then it makes sense to question why she can only spend $350.

[project15]

Just a point of reference, we make about 90k and have allowances of $200 each per month. I save mine and she spends all hers every month. I do think this is as low as my wife could go. We're saving for a house, so once we buy and don't have to save so much for the down payment, I'll probably bump that up a bit.

[PrincessPerky]

While I imagine she has no interest in knowing the financial picture based on what you said, you might try a simplified version IE:
total monthly 'bills' (mortgage, electric, water, insurance, medical etc) +total shared fun (cable TV, internet, ect) + minimum savings (go with 20% combine retirement savings with 'regular') and then show what is left.

Four simple numbers the 'leftover' is your splurge amount..she gets some you get some...that way she isn't looking at a 4.5K check wondering why she only gets 350, she is looking at say 1K and seeing the three way split (350 for her 350 for you, 300 for joint benefit savings) Might make it more acceptable to her (though you might find she wants to skip the 'extra' savings and with 8months already put away I think it is prolly worth it to compromise.

[DebbieL]

When I read the initial post I thought “Gee, what a spoiled brat!” However, on further reading I can see that she earns the lion’s share of the money, works full time, and probably takes on a lot of additional stress dealing with her husband’s condition which only allows him to work part-time and bring in a minimal income.

To me getting massages and eating out all the time aren’t necessary (that’s what my DH is for, lol). I married a chef and he gives a darned good massage too.

I come at this from a different perspective than many in that DH and I do not combine our finances (so we don’t need to clear any personal spending with the other, etc.). I wouldn’t want to be told what I could or couldn’t spend. We are quite similar though, and both are savers for the most part. We’re just fiercely independent and don’t want to give up any control over our own personal spending.

Truthfully, if I were making that much more money than DH and paying most of the bills (which she must be if her income is that much higher), I would probably resent being put on an allowance (even though I do think $350/month just to blow is high).

For the original poster, this issue doesn’t really sound like it should be a problem. You’ve already said you don’t spend much of your allowance anyways. Why not give her the majority of it? She could have say $500/month and you take $200. This is more than you say you spend anyways and it would go a long way towards making your wife happy.

[Ima saver]

It seems pretty high to me too. Separate vacations? I have never been by myself one night since I have been married. (31 years) However, I do not splurge on my appearance and I think I look great. Give me a jar of pond's cold cream and some eye liner and I am fine.

[GoodBuyGirl]

Maybe you could give your wife massages. That would be fun for the both of you and free up some of her fun money.

[Seeker]

I wasn't going to respond to this because I didn't think I'd have anything really new to say, but I've come back to this.... and don't think there's really enough info here.

What type of "work" does she do? Is this where she meets her friends? Or are these totally separate "friends?"
Some business relationship are more social than others. And eating out can be part of that unspoken ritual.

You have also mentioned that you have no bills except the 40k mortgage on the house and that you are "on track" with retirement. But how much time remains on this mortgage? Also are you in a high cost of living area? Do you both have an Emergency Fund setup if she were to lose her job?These things would also impact my thoughts.

To me $350 is a huge amount of money for monthly "fun" money.... but I don't know all the facts here.

[cptacek]

Originally Posted by DebbieL

However, on further reading I can see that she earns the lion’s share of the money, works full time, and probably takes on a lot of additional stress dealing with her husband’s condition which only allows him to work part-time and bring in a minimal income.

I think this is irrelevant and sexist. Lots of times (most of the time?) the husband makes the "lion's share" of the money and if a wife came on this forum and said "he gets more fun money than me because he makes more of the money" then I bet most everyone would try to convince her that that wasn't fair and it should be equal.

[Gruntina]

Originally Posted by cptacek

I think this is irrelevant and sexist. Lots of times (most of the time?) the husband makes the "lion's share" of the money and if a wife came on this forum and said "he gets more fun money than me because he makes more of the money" then I bet most everyone would try to convince her that that wasn't fair and it should be equal.

I was thinking the same of your response earlier too. But I can also see the wife may feel like she is being taken advantage of as well and be resentful of her husband. He is not able to work at his full potentional so it is different. The husband will always have a low income due to his disability.

In our household, it is more important that each of our important needs are met rather 50/50. But again, my husband and I really care and want the best for each other and we are both not spenders and think alike.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by Gruntina

In our household, it is more important that each of our important needs are met rather 50/50

Same here. We don't do allowances but even if we did, they wouldn't be the same. I work full-time and hardly ever go out. I simply have no need for as much as my wife would need. She is home most days, occasionally meets a friend for lunch, goes to stores much more than I do, buys more clothes than I do, etc. If we were doing allowances, I'd need next to nothing and she'd need a fair amount more.

[Merch]

My allowance is $250 a month which pays for my parking for the train, dry cleaning, and a 5 dollar lunch. My wife has $100 a month. After all is said and done, he roughly have the same free money.

As for Debbie's comment, I disagree completely with it. I bring home the lion's share, in fact my wife (who is an OT in Boston) would have to work 100 hours a week to earn what I earn. The point is that it's not my money. It's OUR money. WE decide together where it goes.

My wife's full time job is SAHM of 2.

Now my wife does control a lot of the budget categories - food, gas (she uses the most), club membership, clothing budget, etc. I have to ask her if I can buy a shirt because she controls that virtual envelope.

The original question. I think $350 a month is more then enough. A make well over $70k and $350 a month is combine for me and my wife. I think your wife might see it as her money and you need to make sure you both see it as OUR money.

[Seeker]

Originally Posted by Merch

My allowance is $250 a month which pays for my parking for the train, dry cleaning, and a 5 dollar lunch. My wife has $100 a month. After all is said and done, he roughly have the same free money.

As for Debbie's comment, I disagree completely with it. I bring home the lion's share, in fact my wife (who is an OT in Boston) would have to work 100 hours a week to earn what I earn. The point is that it's not my money. It's OUR money. WE decide together where it goes.

My wife's full time job is SAHM of 2.

Now my wife does control a lot of the budget categories - food, gas (she uses the most), club membership, clothing budget, etc. I have to ask her if I can buy a shirt because she controls that virtual envelope.

The original question. I think $350 a month is more then enough. A make well over $70k and $350 a month is combine for me and my wife. I think your wife might see it as her money and you need to make sure you both see it as OUR money.

Part of the problem here is that there's not an equivalent way to determine this.

Merch, some of the things your use your "fun" money, I would consider to be JOINT and thus should come out of the joint household money. Parking expenses earns you your income, thus should not come from your "fun" money (what fun is there for you in parking? or dry cleaning?). Since you and your SO agree to your allowances distribution, there's no problem.

The same with the OP. Part of what she is using the $350 for includes clothes. And I'm not sure that I'd even want to take a vacation separate from my SO, but on the other hand, my SO is someone I'd love to be with 24x7 if I could. But clothes I think should be joint.

The problem here is that OP and his wife are not agreeing. Do I think she's being unreasonable? Do I think he's being unreasonable? I don't really know who (if anyone) is being unreasonable.

What I do know, is that there's a communication issue between these two married people and really the OP needs to find out what she's thinking.

If she does not care enough to discuss it normally, then why change anything? If the OP feels guilty enough to post the question, then he should be willing to talk with her and maybe give her a bit more from his that he does not seem to be using.

They even have 8 months EF and are okay in all other financial respects. The problem here is one of communication or lack of it. And IMO these two people just need to talk and understand each others' needs.

[76Chick]

/sigh

and i am only going DH and myself 50 a month each!
but we are far worse off than you are - and have a lot of making up to do.

GL!!

[DebbieL]

Originally Posted by cptacek

I think this is irrelevant and sexist. Lots of times (most of the time?) the husband makes the "lion's share" of the money and if a wife came on this forum and said "he gets more fun money than me because he makes more of the money" then I bet most everyone would try to convince her that that wasn't fair and it should be equal.

And I obviously DON'T think it's irrelevant OR sexist. You don't know me or what I would say if the man were in the same situation. One of my exes, and also a very close family member is seriously mentally ill - and believe me the stresses from living with that aren't "irrelevant" either.

[PrincessPerky]

While I would agree that the stress of living with a person dealing with mental illness can raise the need to 'stress relief' I do not see the amount of earning as being relevant to the amount of splurging done.

But then I make not one single cent...my husband earns 100% of the money, I just help manage it. If he begrudged me the money he made, I wouldn't feel comfortable in this marriage. We work as a team. the person making the money is no more important than the person washing the dishes, they both need done.

[Gruntina]

[quote=PrincessPerky;160899]
If he begrudged me the money he made, I wouldn't feel comfortable in this marriage. We work as a team. QUOTE]



I think having a healthy partnership in where couples can talk to each other and able to work out a resuloution or plan on their issues /or concerns is key when it comes to their finances.