Need some advice...

[DebtManWalking]

{Removed}

[bjl584]

Sorry to hear that this is straining your marriage. You seem to be on the right track, as you are well aware of your problem, and are taking steps to address it. In the meantime, have you contacted your cc companies about getting a rate reduction? Also, are you able to cut out anymore expenses in your daily life? (Cancel phone, cable, don't eat out, etc.) Good luck to you.

[Scanner]

Why after all this do you have a $367,000 mortgage? Did you co-sign to this debt? If you signed your name to it, I am not sure you can hold your wife 100% emotionally responsible, wash your hands clean of it in Pontious Pilate fashion, and walk away.

Listen, man to man. . .I know how it is. I "Yes Dear" and "Anything To Make You Happy Dear" as much as the next husband but this decision is off the wall.

Is Canada that high of a cost of living area?

Isn't there a compromise somewhere between a double-wide trailer and a $367,000 (if that is the mortgage, it's probably $400,000 or more).

Not that there's anything wrong with trailer existence. Frankly, I long for it sometimes.

Yes, I think you'll probably have to eventually liquidate assets to cover liabilities unless you can restore cash flow pronto.

I think you both need to sit down and decide what lifestyle you are destined for as a married couple. As a whole (and being sexist here), this is more difficult for females than males. Females buy into the white picket fence, good school districts, American/Canadian dream thing more than men.

So. . .that McMansion on the hill. . .it may just not be obtainable to you, at least not for many years.

That dream costs money and you both seem disconnected to the reality of that and eeking out a simpler existence.

One more thing. . .you shouldn't leave your wife. She has 2 children and needs you right now. You both don't need a $20,000 divorce to add to the bills.

I'm not saying you have to be with her forever but as a taxpayor. . .(american), I want the father around for these children at least a couple of years until you are both stable financially, emotionally, etc. or else Uncle Sam or Aunt Canada has to raise them.

[DebtManWalking]

Average home price where we live is $443,000...

Cost of living here is absolutley stupid and people are leaving daily just to escape this cost of living. Matter of fact, three firefighters just quit thier jobs here in order to secure a position with another department where they make they same money but the cost of living is a 1/3 of what it is here.

DebtManWalking

[DebtManWalking]

{Removed}

[bjl584]

Why did you delete your original post?

[Broken Arrow]

That's probably one of my biggest pet peeves on internet forums.

People will write something, then delete it or change the content. Yeah, I edit mine too, but only for speeling and mistake grammars.

Seriously, nobody knows who you are, and the worst thing you will get is a virtual chafing. Beyond that, you can always walk away from internet forums and resume your daily life, or better yet, walk away with helpful tips and advice that may actually IMPROVE your life and your future.

But nobody can help you if you go back and delete your posts.

That said, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I was there once too. I hope that you and your wife will do what you can to improve both your relationship and your finances.

[DebbieL]

"Is Canada that high of a cost of living area?"

That is like saying "Is the US that high of a cost of living area?"

Where I live in Canada, you bet your boots it is damned expensive. The average price of a piece of crap house is over $600k right now. I hate it. It has always been pretty expensive here, but the past 6 years have more than doubled the cost of homes. I can't wait for a crash. If not, I'm moving (once my daughter is grown).

[Snowgirl]

Originally Posted by DebbieL

"Is Canada that high of a cost of living area?"

That is like saying "Is the US that high of a cost of living area?"

Where I live in Canada, you bet your boots it is damned expensive. The average price of a piece of crap house is over $600k right now. I hate it. It has always been pretty expensive here, but the past 6 years have more than doubled the cost of homes. I can't wait for a crash. If not, I'm moving (once my daughter is grown).

Ditto to that! Indeed, Canada is larger than the US... That was for the geography lesson!

In my area, cost of living is the best in the "big" Canadian cities, and much better than most of BC. In smaller towns, it's much cheaper (but no jobs!). A reasonable 2-3 bedrooms bungalow in the suburbs can still be found between $200k-250k. Way different than Debbie!

Originally Posted by Broken Arrow

That's probably one of my biggest pet peeves on internet forums.

People will write something, then delete it or change the content. Yeah, I edit mine too, but only for speeling and mistake grammars.

I also HATE that! It lacks respect for people who have responded to you, and it breaks the flow of conversation. On other forums, the admins have removed the edit options because of bad experiences. Not very practical for spelling mistakes, of if you press the send button too fast. A time limited edit option would be much better, but I have yet to see this. Forums software developers should work on that, I bet many forum admin would love such a thing.

[Scanner]

I don't mind it - maybe he edited it because I was kind of hard on him and he reacted to my stinging words probably telling me where to shove it.

I think when you put things out in the "internet world", you are basically getting a public opinion. My public opinion is that I don't want to see him leave his wife and become a risk for the state taking care of his kids. That's probably selfish on my part (I know it is).

Okay, if the average house is $400,000, the average house is $400,000.

I guess you can't change it other than to get a below average house (a townhouse maybe).

To me that means you should have about $80,000 saved up for a downpayment to live in your area of Canada.

There's nothing wrong with living in a trailer and I would hope his wife could get on board with that. There was an article that trailers/mobile homes are going to have to be the new American dream, that the 3BDR house with a picket fence has just gotten beyond the average person's reach now.

[Scanner]

Oh, I guess I am no Dr. Phil of the forums either

[maat55]

Hey scanner, take your halloween mask off and quit scarying people. I never got to see the orig. post.
If their problem was finances they should seek some kind of help for the kids sake. Life is always going to be tough if you always live beyond your means. There's usually one nut in the family that doesn't get it.

[bjl584]

I wouldn't feel too bad about it Scanner. He laid out his story on the internet for the entire world to look at and respond to. If the reason that he deleted his original post was because you hurt his feelings, then unfortunately he has a whole different set of issues to deal with that go way beyond financial trouble. I hope that wasn't the case, but if it was, it reminds me of an old girlfriend I had. She always begged me for my opinion and advice on different things, but as soon as I gave it to her honestly, she would flip out on me and get angry. It was kind of like, "I want to hear your opinion as long as I agree with it. Don't tell me the truth if it hurts honey."

[Broken Arrow]

Originally Posted by Snowgirl

A time limited edit option would be much better, but I have yet to see this. Forums software developers should work on that, I bet many forum admin would love such a thing.

Some Web 2.0 styled forums do have it. Handy feature, that. Fortunately, this crowd is largely mature, so abuses to the edit function isn't rampant here.

I think when you put things out in the "internet world", you are basically getting a public opinion. My public opinion is that I don't want to see him leave his wife and become a risk for the state taking care of his kids. That's probably selfish on my part (I know it is).

I think you're being too hard on yourself. After all, it wasn't you that deleted his post.

Like you said, when we put information out there to the public, it's important to realize that people are just trying to be helpful, even if it means pointing out things that we may not always want to hear.

From what I can tell, you were just trying to help the guy out. It's too bad that he may have taken it the wrong way.

Originally Posted by maat55

Hey scanner, take your halloween mask off and quit scarying people.

Oh, is that what it is?

[DebtManWalking]

First off, let me start by saying, thanks.

Thanks for making me realize what an absolute idiot I was to post my position and feelings here, it's nice to see how quickly they are picked apart and dissected by a totally unqualified individual.

Secondly, I didn't ask for criticism, I asked for advice, if you want to criticize others, please save it for another post.

Third, I do realize the errors that I have made, but it's not like I am God and have all the answers, hence, why I came here seeking financial advice, not marital advice or opinions.

Fourth, I have no intention on leaving my wife or kid's, I think that seriously became your big bone of contention Scanner and you quickly lost reasoning with my post, and that is why I pulled it down, you took it upon yourself to try and disassemble my life and tell me how to live it, etc. You had the nerve to question my "extravagent" lifestyle without first asking questions to try and determine "what got us here"! I was not here asking for you're opinions on my lifestyle or life, it was a financial question.

Thanks anyways.

DebtManWalking

[bjl584]

Wow! Well, good luck to you anyway. I hope that things work out for you.

[Broken Arrow]

DebtMan: I'm sure you're probably stressed out enough as it is, and I sympathize. But please, don't take it personally. It's not meant like that. No one here is trying to make you out to be some kind of idiot.

[Joan.of.the.Arch]

For what it is worth, I did read your post DMW, and I don't know where anyone came up with the idea that you were thinking of leaving your wife and two kids, plus one on the way. I did read that your wife was not as willing as you to make a certain crucial living change, but that didn't sound like irremediable discord.

The problem with your FIL sounded like it could go on forever. You got things settled and paid up once, but now it has come up again and the FIL has dementia. I think you did mention the MIL. If she is concerned about you, your wife, and the grandkids, perhaps MIL could be persuaded to intervene. Maybe it is time for her to get a court declaration of incompetence so that she can handle the finances and put an end to FIL trying to pursue you for already paid debts.

I can understand how within families, a proper paper trail may not have been kept and that there might not be proof the the debt was paid because of that. But without proof, your best bet might be to appeal to you MIL's honesty, or to draw things out until your FIL's dementia is too progressed for him to focus on this...And, yes, I have definitely seen cases where dementia is expressed in obsession with a few untrue notions, some of which can be that the sufferer is being done wrong (such as a debtor wrongfully refusing to pay.)

I don't think it would be wrong for you all to move into the trailer, selling the house. But I also don't think it would be wrong to sell both the house and the trailer (even though you are upside down on that loan) and move to a small apartment or house. There has to be something else you cold find. What do families with even less income than you do? You might need to live where they live, for a while. Maybe you will have to rent.

I also wondered about your truck with its monthly payment of $850? $890? (don't recall what you said.) That struck me as perhaps a big truck meant to haul the trailer on the big trip that you decided not to take. Is it time to sell that vehicle? Especially if you sell the trailer, the truck might not be what is needed. If you live in the trailer in a permanent spot, you probably wouldn't need a truck to haul it.

[Scanner]

DebtManWalking,

Thanks for making me realize what an absolute idiot I was to post my position and feelings here, it's nice to see how quickly they are picked apart and dissected by a totally unqualified individual.

And who is qualified?

A financial advisor from American Express? You won't get any help there. You'll get a list of mutual funds to buy from them at 5% commission.

A debt counseling service may be more qualified than any of us, I'll admit that. You'll get an attractive woman on the phone to nod up and down to your "position", kinda like the commercials.

I am not sure what you want here.

You want validation?

Third, I do realize the errors that I have made, but it's not like I am God and have all the answers, hence, why I came here seeking financial advice, not marital advice or opinions.

No one said you were God.

But yes, I am talking to you man to man here.

Financial and marital problems are part and parcel to each other. You did post that your wife this and your wife that, as if you had nothing to do everything. . .and now you have financial problems.

Money is the #1 cause of marital strife.

You want some kind of "number answer" to your dilemma and it's not the answer.

I say to get to the cause of your financial problems, you are going to have to get to the cause of your marital problems.

That's the weird "spiritual" thing about money - it's often a reflection of something else and something else is definitely at work here.

Fourth, I have no intention on leaving my wife or kid's, I think that seriously became your big bone of contention Scanner and you quickly lost reasoning with my post, and that is why I pulled it down, you took it upon yourself to try and disassemble my life and tell me how to live it, etc. You had the nerve to question my "extravagent" lifestyle without first asking questions to try and determine "what got us here"! I was not here asking for you're opinions on my lifestyle or life, it was a financial question.

That's right I had the nerve.

I have no clue how some people arrive at where they decide. I am endless fascinated how someone can go through bankruptcy, and then somehow end up with a $367,000 mortgage (when they have kids). I am fascinated not only from a human behavior standpoint but at a capitalistic system that somehow enables it.

So, beleive it or not, I don't entirely blame you. I blame the bankers/creditors as well who take people savings money and loan it out.

I'm sorry if that stings but you know. . .re-arranging debts, liquidating assets, re-financing, being more frugal - they are only symptomatic fixes of a problem more bigger.

Until you correct the dysfunctional behavior (and yes, I guess that's a criticism), no amount of financial advice will be enough. And I know it's not just you. . .your wife is somehow contributing to this and even catalyzing it.

I am almost positive you did write, "I am thinking of leaving my wife."

If I read wrong and over-extrapolated that, I apologize.

Of course, we don't have the original post, now do we?

I'll be more diligent about quoting the poster when I address a point. I kind of try to avoid the "cut and paste" style of discussion but maybe that's what needs to be done.

Listen, I re-read what I wrote above - I was a little tough, but I don't think I was rude beyond doubt to you. Unless I got what you wrote wrong, I don't see where I owe you any retraction or apology yet.

As Rod Tidwell says to Jerry Maguire standing naked in the shower in the famous movie:

"Jerry! That's the difference between you and me. . .you think we are fighting when I think we are just starting to talk."

I'm trying to sho' you the money, bro!

[Broken Arrow]

Originally Posted by Scanner

I am almost positive you did write, "I am thinking of leaving my wife."

If I read wrong and over-extrapolated that, I apologize.

Of course, we don't have the original post, now do we?

I am almost positive that I saw that too.

But yes, that's the problem. Because the original post was deleted, no one can say for certain.