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07-30-2007, 11:38 AM
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Need Advice: Friend divorcing
Let me tell you my friend's predicament as I am sure it is common.
He came to the marriage with a decent 401(k) - some guys. . .you know the story. . .married a spoiled spendthrift. They bought a house at the height of the real estate crunch. . .and bought a vacation home in the Poconos (geez. . .what were they thinking?). So, anyway, for other reasons, they both agree to a divorce. Here's the predicament - she spends money like it's going out of style. Getting her nails done, she's out shopping and going out to eat and with her friends til 3 a.m. (they got a 4 year old girl too). Is there anyway they can sort of divorce "financially" as she seems intent on ruining him out of his retirement fund and all assets. Can he protect himself somehow? Obviously, they are going to lose on the house when they liquidate but is there anyway he can protect himself on the consumer debt? I consider myself lucky to have a DW who's financially responsible. 
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07-30-2007, 11:42 AM
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I'm sorry to say, that the debt will be considered marital and he will be held partially responsible (or even fully - depending on their financial particulars). I'm very sorry. This will be an extremely expensive lesson for your friend. She will likely get part of his retirement too (again, sorry).
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07-30-2007, 11:44 AM
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It depends on the state, how long they were married etc. I know when my friend divorced it had to go50/50 split on everything. So even though he wasn't working for most of the 8 yr marriage she had to come up with the cash to pay him 1/2 of the value of the 401K, and since she wanted to keep the house she had to refinance it and give him 1/2 of the appreciated balance. It was a horrible situation for her financially, but well worth it for her to be free of the sick marriage.
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07-30-2007, 11:54 AM
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Actually I think it works out worse for the working partner if the other partner didn't work during the marriage. I will never support a partner to stay at home for any extended period of time for this (and other) reasons. The only exception would be if he became totally disabled or something. My husband and I keep our finances separate and each have certain bills we are responsible for. We never fight about money, and both have pretty similar philosophies in that regard. We have 1 joint savings account, but other than that it's all separate. I've never co-mingled finances with any of my partners and that's how I like it.
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07-30-2007, 11:59 AM
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What he's worried about isn't so much the past and splitting assets (he figures he'll owe child support (but he'll have the child 4 days/week) but it's the short term future as she seems to be hell-bent on driving them into the ground.
I guess there's nothing he can do. I guess you can't make a "cease and desist" order w/ credit cards.
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07-30-2007, 12:02 PM
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A good divorce attorney, and setting the date of the split is important. After 7/31/07 any NEW debt incurred is hers...kind of thing. I don't know the details of how to do that, but these things get messy....good luck.
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07-30-2007, 03:10 PM
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If the CC's are in his name (ie, he's the primary cardholder), he should be able to call the CC companies and cancel the cards. He'll still owe any balance to that date but no one will be able to use them in the short term future, at least. He can also put a freeze on his credit to prevent new cards from being activated.
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07-30-2007, 05:28 PM
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The only advice I can give is--An attorney is expensive and not having an attorney is more expensive! Your friend needs to get the advice of a good attorney ASAP.
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07-30-2007, 07:11 PM
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All I can say is that I swear I will never let that happen to me again. Ever!
I'd rather live alone for the rest of my life than to go through something like that again. Oh sorry, yes, get an attorney. He has to move fast.
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07-30-2007, 07:37 PM
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Move fast to fix date of seperation.
__________________
LivingAlmostLarge Blog
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07-31-2007, 06:19 AM
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Yeah, knowing they are behind the eight ball on debt and the house, he is resisting the idea of a lawyer and wants the divorce to be "clean" for the sake of their 4 year old daughter.
But I really feel he needs representation and I don' t think representation has to be the same as sueing her pants off and fighting tooth and nail.
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07-31-2007, 06:23 AM
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Well, my divorce wasn't "clean" until I got a lawyer. Beforehand, my ex fought me tooth and nail over every little thing. Even the stuff that had nothing to do with me was somehow my fault. It also didn't help that my ex wanted all of the assets and full custody, and again, didn't think she needed to negotiate until I had legal representation.
It wasn't until after I got a lawyer that she was willing to work things out.
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07-31-2007, 06:24 AM
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07-31-2007, 06:59 AM
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I have thought about a divorce arbitrator but in this case, he just seems to be kind of the "passive" kind of guy and is why I think he needs representation.
I don't always believe that a partnership has to end 50/50 in split. If one partner has produced the lion's share of assets or whatever, there's no reason why I don't beleive that 70/30 can be fair or whatever. What I don't like is he brought a substantial asset to the marriage (I'm going to say about $100,000 in a 401(k) that will have to be liquidated) and she goes out and parties every night, leaving him with the 4 year old. So, they split. . .okay. . .and he ends up with the 4 year old 4 days/week and somehow he pays her child support? WTF? Okay, he signed deeds and mortgages too - live and learn. I'm not excusing him on some of the dumb financial moves he has made that he will have to pay. I even figure the 401(k) is toast at this point. He'll have to start over - there are worse things. I just don't see any responsibility of an adult on her part. He'll say, "Oh well, I feel sorry for her. . .she didn't get to live her 20's" because she married me at 25." WTF? (see what I mean by being passive?) Society is supposed to feel sorry for this person that she didn't get to party past 25? Crap! I wish I was a judge. I'd be like a wailing banshee Judge Judy. In no way is this mother responsible and IMO, he needs some basic representation to his welfare and her daughters. I think he needs representation doubley because he's a man and this country likes to put the screws to fathers/men on the legal system. I was just hoping there was some kind of short term solution to stop the bleeding.
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07-31-2007, 09:31 AM
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As far as I know, she's only entitled to a portion of any gains in the 401K after the marriage, not the actual 100K he brought into the marriage. For example, he could give her a portion of it in exchange for something else (ie: I keep the house that has $50K equity built up and give you 50K out of my 401K). I could be wrong, but I think his original 100k should be safe unless he trades it for some other concession on her part. He definitely needs a good lawyer no matter what! Talk some sense into him.
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08-01-2007, 07:31 AM
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08-05-2007, 11:43 AM
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I concur, he needs respresenation now. It also depends on what state the couple lives in as to how assets will be split. In Illinois, the assets are 50-50, including the 401K. I would find a divorce lawyer who handles this sort of thing. My bil just hired an attorney while the sil hired a divorce lawyer. He called her lawyer a pitbull, but she got the very best for her client and gave very good legal advice. Of course, as a side note, it was all for naught -- they decided to get back together.
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