Spousal Reimbursement?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

What would you do if your spouse asked for reciepts for everything to reimburse you?

[Coleroo]

it depends on why the asking is done. at our house we use the envelope system and my husband and I are both responsible for making sure receipts matches what was taken from specific bill money envelopes. now as for "spending money" no receipt is asked for / required.

So if its to track bill money / cut expenses, I see nothing wrong with it. If its to keep tabs on your personal spending money that would be offensive, imo.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

What would you do if your spouse asked for reciepts for everything to reimburse you?

I'm not really understanding the question, but my wife and I are a team. We work together. One pool of money that we both have equal access to, so there is no such thing as reimbursement in our house.

[Aleta]

I agree with Steve. My husband and I have always pooled our money together. The only thing that I do different, is that for the emergency money that we have in the house, I want it to be reimbursed and put back. It's not a matter of where it was spent as long as it was put back. Although so much is different today with prenups, etc. There is no level of trust between the spouses and that makes the relationship a difficult one.

[scfr]

My DH & I also both have equal access to all funds and statements. If either of us is thinking of buying anything over $100, we have a deal that we will bounce the idea off of the other person first. I'm sure if either of us thought the other was spending too much, we would speak up (but it's not a problem). We compromise: I'd prefer to donate more, my DH would prefer to donate nothing, so we agree on an amount and then I get to decide where it goes.

Is there a legitimate reason for asking for receipts? There could be.

But if it is all about one person controlling the other person through controlling the money, then I would be extremely concerned.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

One another board, I called someone a controller. He makes his wife turn in receipts to be reimbursed for spending. They are on DR but I don't understand why they don't use cash envelopes and when the money is gone it's gone. Suppossedly it's to try curb her spending and budgeting. I don't get it all, I think it's very controlling. I would hate it if my DH watched every penny and expected me to be accountable to him.

I like cash envelopes because you are accountable to the money not to the spouse.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

I like cash envelopes because you are accountable to the money not to the spouse.

What if the money runs out before the month runs out? If I knew I wasn't the one who had spent it, I'd certainly want to know from my wife where the money had gone.

I agree that wanting to see receipts for everything sounds very controlling, but if the couple is having financial difficulty, every penny needs to be accounted for to track spending. If she has been overspending, it might be appropriate for him to keep a close watch and make her accountable for everything. Otherwise, she'll just keep on spending.

Whenever I advise someone on setting up a budget, the first thing I always suggest is to keep a detailed spending log for a month, recording absolutely every purchase so that you can then sit down and track where everything went. Maybe that's what this guy is trying to do.

[humandraydel]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

One another board, I called someone a controller. He makes his wife turn in receipts to be reimbursed for spending.

Well, without knowing more information, it's hard to comment. What if she is a spendthrift stay at home mom and he's barely able to keep up with the bills she racks up?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

He doesn't do a real budget. What he does is track her spending. And he's trying to live on 60% of the salary but she's complaining because he doesn't budget. He won't just put money into categories, so when things pop up they argue.

Steve, though if you had an envelope called groceries would you really wonder where the money went if she spent it? It went to groceries, and if it ran out maybe you didn't account for the real spending and just went off delusional spending?

DH would tell you we spend $100/month on groceries, but that's not real, but he doesn't shop for groceries at all. So to him it sounds reasonable, to me it's not. Lots of problems I've noticed occur because sometimes the spouse running the budget isn't the one shopping or running kids to errands.

[genmed]

If MY spouse (not knowing anything about the other person's situation) starting asking about reciepts.. I would have to start thinking about marriage counseling.

Like several of the other posters here -- we're a team. We have joint accounts where everything comes out of, along with some personal spending money. It's OUR money and OUR bills. We work together to make everything from the housework to the finances to supporting each other work.

If my spouse started monitoring everything I did -- there's a trust issue that would come up in my mind. We're not secretive from each other -- but neither do we monitor everything each other does.

[tinapbeana]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

Steve, though if you had an envelope called groceries would you really wonder where the money went if she spent it? It went to groceries, and if it ran out maybe you didn't account for the real spending and just went off delusional spending?

If the spouse is someone with compulsive spending issues: yes, I would definitely question whether the money in the grocery envelope was in fact spent on groceries. That's why it's called compulsive spending. It sounds far fetched, but I know there's been at least one member of this site whose wife fell into this type of category with actual (likly diagnosable) compulsive spending.

In my house, DH freely admits he's a spender and would likely never save. He asked me to be in charge of household finances long before we were married, and basically put himself on an allowance. He gets X amount per month and I'm in charge of the rest.

Granted, after 4.5 years he's more involved now than in the past, and I hope to see that type of change continue. But we still have his checking account for his allowance and my checking account, which is used for household expenses. I take my allowance in cash.

t's what works for our household. In 5 years time it might not work any more, or it might still be fine. Every marriage and every household is just a little bit different.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by tinapbeana

If the spouse is someone with compulsive spending issues: yes, I would definitely question whether the money in the grocery envelope was in fact spent on groceries.

My thoughts exactly. Just because the envelope is marked "groceries" doesn't mean she didn't take money out for a trip to the mall. Even if it did all go for groceries, if spending is a problem for them, tracking where the grocery money is going becomes important. Is it being spent wisely or is she buying a bunch of name brand processed prepared junk food?

Maybe he is underestimating costs. The only way for him to know that and start having a more realistic view of things is to see where the money is actually going. That's the whole point of a spending log.

Can you tell us what this other site is? Being a finance junkie, I'm always looking for new and interesting sites like this one.

[pearlieq]

Unless it's something mutually agreed upon between the spouses (for the purposes of controlling excess/compulsive spending) I think it's creepy and quite unhealthy.

If it's something they both agreed to without any undue pressure, well then, to each his own!

[autoxer]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

What would you do if your spouse asked for reciepts for everything to reimburse you?

That depends on what I'm trying to hide.

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

He doesn't do a real budget. What he does is track her spending. And he's trying to live on 60% of the salary but she's complaining because he doesn't budget. He won't just put money into categories, so when things pop up they argue.

I don't do a real budget, because that just doesn't work for me. Some categories never change & some vary a lot from month to month, so a categorized budget never helped control my spending. The money would just get shifted everytime something changed, and it became way too confusing. I just take care of the important things, and spend the rest judiciously. That system has helped me increase my savings dramatically. Different systems work for different people.

[disneysteve]

Originally Posted by autoxer

I don't do a real budget, because that just doesn't work for me.

I just take care of the important things, and spend the rest judiciously.

Same here. The only thing I actually "budget" is our savings. Whatever is left gets spent wherever needed. I don't have a clue what we spend on groceries, for example, and I do a fair amount of the shopping so I don't say that out of ignorance. It just isn't important to me to know how much is going toward food. As long as all of our needs and savings goals are being met, where each and every dollar ends up isn't important.

[geomatster]

Was just looking at the discussion...you need to be clear on the entire context of 'reimbursement' and 'receipts'...I agree that partners are supposed to work and spend like a team and probably at times confide into each other on each others spending pattern(not by demand though!) such that some one can see if there is overspending and if the savings are getting affected.

I too stress on reimbursement when the amount is taken out of 'savings' and reimbursement may not necessarily be from the one who took it!

[Aleta]

In this case it has been said that the other person doesn't have a budget. Like the above poster said; no one knows the whole story. I think that when you have an issue like this it is best to have a budget and have both parties accountable for a while. It doesn't seem like to me that the guy is really looking at how he is spending the money. In the beginning, the only way is for both parties to keep tabs and receipts on their individual spending and then come together. It might be that they need to increase spending in areas not already covered and it will definitely show each how they are spending the funds. If both parties can do this together that is even better. Sometimes, you'll have one that wants nothing to do with budgeting or tracking of their expenses. You can't do anything about that. The person with the best financial head and the more financially responsible one should take care of the finances.

When I was a young wife, I ended up doing the finances because bills weren't getting paid on time. I watched some of my female friends take on this task and I did too. I never knew that I would be the one who would end up doing the finances but it comes easy to me.

[FrugalIII]

Well, I don't ask for receipts because we don't pool our money. We tried that at first but my wife always spent more than she should have and the bill money would be gone before the bills were paid. So we had to separate our finances out of survival. Now other than what she puts in toward bills, her paycheck is hers. She doesn't save a penny. I save quite a lot. If it weren't for me we'd have 0 dollars in the bank. If you can trust your spouse to be responsible, that's great. I can't. There is no agreeing on spending, because she doesn't believe in consulting or compromising. She just spends. She's constantly broke and crying about not having enough money for her "needs" but at the same time only has to contribute about 30% of her take home to the bills, the rest is hers and she makes about 50k a year. I wish I had a financially responsible spouse.

[Gruntina]

Originally Posted by LivingAlmostLarge

What would you do if your spouse asked for reciepts for everything to reimburse you?

The question you ask is not really clear on who is doing the reimbursing and who's money is being used.

However, I do see your concern and before taking concern into actions, you might want to ask what the motivation behind this.

With experiences from reading on this site and have taken a 60 hour certification in Domestic Violence, money issues can be a red flag for violence but most of the time its to get finance under control with two people who grew up with different perspective of how to spend and save and frustration can stem from communications when two people are not eye to eye on everything.

Red flag for control or domestic violence to me would mean something like of an example where a spouse demands to use the other spouse money and end up putting him or her in debts. (This often make the person feel they can not leave their partner because they have no means of paying off direct credit card debts).

It can be in the opposite way where the spouse have to show receipts for every purchase to track where she been and what she bought to keep a reign on him/her. All in all, motivation to control is often hidden in disguise and hard to detect.

The real problem would be the empowerment of a person to be able to take care of themselves financially and emotionally in any circumstance and if you feel a concern there then the best way is to give words of wisdom how one can empower themselves. Getting physically involved can mean putting more danger in a situation as anyone in a domestic violence situation knows their attacker the best. When one is being under some sort of control, it is too easy to give in as a mean of survival to cope through the day and get caught up into it.

In a world that is often upside down, it really gets tough seeing and understanding the underlying motives and what really is going on at home of some couples. My prayers are out for the best when I see concerns.

I am a lucky survivor of such grim situations and this was just my 2 cents.

[fairy74]

I agree that his behavior maybe controlling, however there may be another side to this if he is requesting receipts because the wife had committed financial infeditility in the past (there are a lot of spouses out there who have secret credit cards/debts,etc...) in that case I think his behavior is much like a spouse that got physically cheated on and demands proof of everything...is it understandable, sure, healthy long term, probably not, but until you know the whole story hard to judge. DH and I use a common pool of money, no receipts required....