Stay at home parent?

[LivingAlmostLarge]

What do you think it costs to be a stay at home parent? Is it worth staying at home past kindergarden? What do you do if you have grown kids say 12-18? Does your spouse go back to work when the kids go back to college or never again?

[jIM_Ohio]

depends who has more "earning power".

I am an engineer and started with a higher salary than my wife. She has a 4yr HR degree and I have a 4 yr Mechanical Engineering degree. I made 2X what she did when we met.

However she got her license last year, and her earning power is clearly higher than mine. She could be an HR director within 5 years, salary which would be 2X mine. Her ceiling is a lot higher.

So if the wife would be bagging groceries, scooping fries, or holding a simple contributor role, then staying at home is probably better.

If the wife has earning power, consider the earning years between 30-60 are a person's BEST investment to a richer financial life.

[Broken Arrow]

With a friend of mine, they calculated that they actually saved more money for one person to stay home with the kids than it is for both of them to work and to pay for daycare. But then, they also have twins, so their childcare expense are higher than normal. (Long story short, it often depends on how the numbers come out.)

With my ex and I, we had grandma who lived nearby and was willing to pitch in. So, it made more sense for both of us to work... which we did. (The point here is that it also depends on what kind of family support you have available to you.) Grown kids make for great babysitters also, by the way.

As for your last question, my ex and I have always worked to some capacity, so I can't answer there. However, my friend plans to go back to work once the kids are old enough to go to kindergarten. But that largely has to do with his personality. He's a go-getter type, and really wants to be working again. (And the point to take away here is that, this also depends on the individual personalities involved. Some would rather be a stay-at-home, but some would not.)

[crabbypatty]

Speaking just from a dollars and cents perspective going back to work once the kids are in K incurs a lot of costs. Before and after school care, camps and/or daycare during the summer. Not to mention the increased costs of convenience meals, and the returning workers work-related costs like clothing, gas, office contributions, professional dues and such. It's not as though the extra income is all discretionary.

But this choice can't be made strictly from a financial standpoint, there are a lot of other considerations.

[LivingAlmostLarge]

Really? My mom always worked and DH's too. And we never ate convience food. So I wonder what did mom's do when we were in school? I can defintiely see when the kids are small.

[PrincessPerky]

It is priceless....

As for real cost of me staying home...nope sorry it is just priceless......the effects of school and or daycare are different for each person, some will always cook homemade food regardless of lack of time, some will always eat out no matter how much time they have, every family is different.

I personally plan on going back to work when my last kid has flown the coop, part time, just to stave off boredom! I figure unless I have a whole gaggle of grandkids I wont be able to pester them all day every day for something to do, I will have to find some other outlet

[PrincessPerky]

One thing I will not is semi universal for homeschooling/stay home early kids....we can sleep in any day of the week......which means the fact that my son needs about a weeks worth of sleeping in to make up for one late night is not a problem...I can let him sleep in every day for a week and he misses nothing, I miss nothing, no one minds in the slightest..breakfast is short one kid for half the time, no biggie.

You might not think that is a big deal at first, but getting enough sleep is healthier (less Dr visits) and hard to do in todays world when everything under the sun starts so late to accomodate working families. So for a 4 year old in need of almost 11 hours of sleep it can be hard to do anything interesting if I also had to wake him up 5 days a week to go to daycare. (all my kids wake themselves up, unless we have to be out). As it is he can catch up in his own way (my daughter just takes a nap, what a concept, wish I could convince my son of it!)

[tabbycat31]

I think it depends on the personality type. I'm the type who could NEVER stay at home. That's just not me. I'd make him stay home before I would. I like going to work each day. I'd go as crazy as Britney Spears if I were to stay home.

I had a neighbor growing up who is still a SAHM--- her kids are 10 and 14. I've never seen her spend a minute of time with the kids, she was forever on the phone (standing in my parents driveway and often blocking them from getting in...... it always took a honk to stop her from tresspassing).

There's still ways to cook homemade food without having a SAHP. I can't eat many restaurant meals and convenience foods regardless (due to a food allergy). It just takes different sacrifices. My career is very important to me, and you couldnt pay me all the $$$ in the world to give it up.

[PrincessPerky]

My family is very important to me, and you couldnt pay me all the $$$ in the world to give it up.

That slight rephrasing was not meant to be rude, simply to point out the VAST difference in personality.

Also please don't judge all SAHMs by one or even twenty, a bad parent is a bad parent regardless of how many hours they work or do not work.

Oh and I would go crazy having to drop off my kids each day for someone else to be with.....

[pearlieq]

Originally Posted by PrincessPerky

My family is very important to me, and you couldnt pay me all the $$$ in the world to give it up.

That slight rephrasing was not meant to be rude, simply to point out the VAST difference in personality.

You know what, it was rude anyway and it's rank with implied judgment.

A woman who works does NOT value her family less.

Also, women who work don't "give up" their family. They do not send their kids away for someone else to raise.

I just can't stand the implication that a woman who loves her work and desires to continue is somehow unworthy of having children.

[barbara L]

Princess,

I would trade places with you in a minute. I would love to stay home with my kids.

I've said many times that the older they are the more they need me. Being a teenager is tough. I have three teens 14, 16 and 17.

I think you should stay home until the kids move out!

[Snoopy2645]

I agree its priceless to be here for my kids when I quit my ft job 6yrs ago it was gonna be for 1 yr then for 5yrs now its been 6yrs & I know now I wont work ft at least until the youngest is in kindegarten I cannont leave my kids. The 2 youngest are doing great with learning things & my oldest is getting better she was basically raised in daycares until she started school & I know it wasnt good for her. Of course I couldnt afford much so I am sure the quality of the daycare wasnt the greatest so that never helped her.

I know others who work & have 2 or 3 kids in daycare I have no idea how they can be clearing anything once daycare is paid I guess most have parents to back them up if daycare costs are too expensive we dont have anyone but my mom & she works 12 hr days so thats not an option for us. A few things bad about being out of the working world is the ssi part & can your career make a come back but I think those are small small sacrafices considering we all KNOW our kids will never be 1 or 2 again or will never be small again.

I do work pt now if you can call it that & its just enough for me I work 1 day outside doing demos & 1 or 2 days a week taking orders at home just enough to make a little money ya know & pay into ssi

[Langlo Family]

My wife is a SAHM. Well, sort of. She delivers newspapers from 1-4 am everyday. During the day she stays home with our 6 month old daughter. She absolutely loves it. We plan to have more kids so for a while she will continue to be a SAHM. We plan to have 3 more kids to be exact. My wife was previously a Preschool teacher. Once our youngest child reaches Kindergarten, My wife will become a Kindergarten teacher. This way she'll have summers off with the kids. I don't make a large amount of money, but having my wife be able to stay at home with our kids is priceless.

[PrincessPerky]

She made her statement I made mine. Same statement I simply changed a thing of value in her life for one in mine. If it hurts anyone I do appologize.

She gets to make her statement attack free, why not mine? why is my statement taken as an insult whereas hers is not?

should all people wistful to get rid of their jobs be up in arms at her 'attack' on their lack of commitment to work?

Of course not.

She feels her job is important, so do I, just different job.

I can give one more try at rephrasing:

I wouldn't trade 40 hours a week away from my kids for all the money in the world....

I may never understand two working parents choice, nor their mine, but then I could never understand a pro football player either (you fight other guys for a ball...and they pay you for this?????).

[LuxLiving]

SAHM here, former homeschooler. My last two at home are just now getting to the driving thing although they are 18 & 20. I may go back to full or part time work soon.

The only thing I would encourage people to do is to make sure you fund some retirement monies for the stay at home parent as you can afford to do so. Unless you are in a high paying career this may be difficult. We were never really able to fully fund my IRA thru the years. I'd say if the person had worked before like I did, you will want to keep your eye on the number of credits/units for receiving SS income on their own merits. It is especially important for me to return to the workforce for some small amount of time as I'm lacking just a few short credits to pull SS on my own.

I enjoyed VERY MUCH being at home with my kids, can't imagine my having done it differently.

[cashqueen]

I would love to stay home but I bring in 65% of the income and we rely on my benefits. DH is not interested in stay at home and he loves his job. The only way we could make it work is to sell our house and move. DH is not willing to make the necessary sacrifices so I continue going to work. I find that (just in MY experience) there are more SAHM that are judgmental about women who work than there are about working mothers toward SAHM.

As I said, I would LOVE to SAH but it is just not an option for me. Everybody just has to do what is right for them and their family and not pass judgment on other people's decisions.

Having said that, Princess' comments did come off a bit snarky (I'm sure it wasn't intentional) and made me bristle. Sometimes it's hard to detect the true tone of written words.

[Scanner]

I think there is a compromise here that our family has done.

Our kids have always gone to part-time daycare, averaging maybe 15-20 hours/week between our two schedules (some years more, some years less as my schedule has been flexible - now, the little one is down to about 12 hours/week)

I think we get the best of both worlds really and I know in America, there is a conjured vision of daycare as being a place where kids are lonely and forgotten - nothing could be farther from the truth.

Our sons developed relationships there with other adults, learned to socialize, developed academically, and maybe most of all, got to blow off some steam with other kids in free-play. Overall, it's been a positive experience for them.

Frankly, I think daycare is much superior to "Daddy Day." LOL.

I understand both sides of the issue on this - the SAHM's and the Working Moms. Research has shown that neither group conveys a disadvantage or advantage.

The only disadvantage I could maybe see to daycare, having used it, are the infections - my kids were sick a lot more then average probably, nothing serious, maybe their immune system got a charge from all the colds and stuff.

All in all, no regrets.

[fairy74]

I am working woman, and I don't think I could ever be a full-time SAHM, I love the idea of being with kids a full-day, but do not really think I have the patience for it. I get refreshed by the intellectual challenge of my work. Working part-time may be a solution for me. Everyone is different. In defense of Princess Perky, I do not think her comments were at all out of line. she feels very passionately about her decision and I do think there are a lot of career women who do look down on SAHM. Maybe not people on this site, but society in general (I think many times this is fueled by jealousy). Everyone's family is different and what works for one does not work for others. This doesn't make the love or commitment any less.

[JanH]

It's funny how the society pendulum swings back and forth...when I chose to stay at home in the 80's I actually had people tell me I was wasting my brains! I overheard my MIL have to defend my choice at a funeral! I couldn't believe society was condemning me for staying at home. Nowadays, I think it is more balanced. I would hope that each side gives props to the other. I personally would stay at home again. But it can be isolating and lonely for adults. Depends on your circumstances, family and friends with kids nearby. If the post is more about the financial cost, we had to do with less in order for me to stay at home. We had a lot of flack about that, too. We couldn't buy a house and other things others had. It was our choice. I guess I got mostly fed up with people criticizing my right to choose and not appreciating that I had made a choice good for ME. I got defensive a couple of times and thought that kids shouldn't be in daycare. But I know a lot of kids who did very well in daycare. Sometimes, it is about finances, sometimes personal happiness, sometimes other reasons. I try not to take sides anymore. I just want the kids to be taken care of and loved.

[tinapbeana]

Originally Posted by JanH

I just want the kids to be taken care of and loved.

here here!

what ever course of action leads to the above result, that is the one that is right for your family.