My mom’s budget.

[b4freedom]

My mom has no budget. I’ve tried for years to get her to have a budget. I’ve offered to make it for her. I’ve offered to help organize her finances. She always replies with, “That’s a good idea; when can we do it?” “How about you come over next Friday at 8:00pm?” “Sounds great…” Next Friday comes and she doesn’t show up. There is always some excuse. And I can’t physically force her to make a budget.

One day she said to me, “I was watching some show and they said that you need to shred your financial statements. You have a shredder, can you shred mine?” “Absolutely mom, I’d love to.” So, she gave me about a years worth of financial statements to shred.

Now, I know I wasn’t supposed to do this, but I did it anyhow; I went thru hundreds of pages of statements and categorized ALL of her spending. It was appalling.

She had 7 credit cards. All of them had unnecessary “extra services” like “credit protection”. These “services” range in price from $9.99 to $24.99/month. And she had them on ALL of the credit cards. ALL! I’m sorry, why do you need “credit protection” when you can monitor your credit records yourself for free? AND WHY DO YOU NEED IT SEVEN TIMES???? She had large balances on two of them. Her monthly payments to each of them were erratic. Some credit cards recorded payments that exceeded the balance and other cards showed late payments or no payments. AOL was still charging $24.99 on credit card. She has had Verizon DSL for two years, why would she still be paying AOL? Her computer, a year old, doesn’t even have a modem.

You get the idea. I’m not going to go into the rest of it because it just makes my blood boil.

But, what am I, as her son, supposed to do? I’ve tried to help her, but she doesn’t want to deal with the reality of her finances.

My biggest fear is this: She’s a financial mess. When she goes to retire, she won’t be able to because she’s a financial mess and she’ll try to turn to me to her other children to support her.

How many American baby boomers are like my mom? What’s going to happen to them? I don’t believe my mom is alone. I think many Americans live like this. What’s going to happen to them?

[PrincessPerky]

sigh, I wish I could fix the world...

but we can't.

I think in your situation I might mention you think you can work on her dredit cards..mention you caught a glimpse of a couple fees you think you could remove if she wanted to....I would well drink a nice cup of tea and find a soothing mantra first sos to not sound condescending or mad, just pleasently helpful.

DO not set a future date, just do it as soon as she gives you permission...if you have kids invcite her to play with them while you are on the phoine (to help you out, don't tell her you need her to be there for possible pin numbers or CCs in her purse)

If you have that small success think about offering to help make life easier with any non 'I know better you are in trouble' statements..(have you heard about the online banks mom, they really can offer bonuses just for signing up....I have one, do you want one? or even better I have one and I get free money if you sign up, come over for coffee and let me do the work so I get the 10$)

This of course doesn't work if you ever lose her trust, so never steal or do anything questionable while helping...

[Ima saver]

I am slightly older than your mom, but I keep very good track of my money. I would be very appreciative if I had a problem with money, to have my child help me out. I think you should offer to show up and go over things and she if she will let you handle things for her!

[ms_businesswoman]

I am glad I saw this topic. I have been wondering how to help my mom out as well. She is nearing retirement age and is having a big problem managing her money. I think is has been going "garage sale" crazy on things that she doesnt need.

I like the comments/ideas from the others.

thanks

[Broken Arrow]

Well, as the saying goes, you can bring the horse to the water, but you can't make him or her drink it.

However, as a dutiful son or daughter, I would make some kind of saving preparation for them, in case that Day comes when they ask you for money.

Better yet, do as one of my friend's brother did and offer to manage their money for them in return for a nominal fee.

[Snoopy2645]

Well my dad helped my grandma with all of this when my grandpa died my grandma had no clue about writing checks & stuff. Maybe offer to sit down with her & make the calls for her only hand the phone to her if need be this maybe take 3 hrs but will save thousands explain to her thats like going to work & making how much an hr. My dh hates sitting on the phone dealing with like say insurance companies so I call & only hand him the phone if it need be.

However like above poster about the horse thats the way it goes. Remember you can give a man a fish he will eat for a day but teach him to fish he will eat forever!!! Personally I would rather learn to fish although I dont think most people would they would rather go an easy route so thats why I say make it easy on her.

[boomeyers]

Keep on plugging away! Keep bugging her and eventually it will pay off. You don't want her to fall in a trap and be scared. Maybe you should ambush her, just go over one day and say "Hey, just dropped by, do you still want help? Let's do it NOW".
I was blessed with financially responsible parents, but the older they get, the more they rely on me to help THEM make decisions!

[Thrifty Ray]

Isnt this what Whoopin Sticks are for??

(just kidding)

I am (unofficially) in charge of keeping my parents on some-sort of budget...they are in their 70s now....so a little older than your mom.

I pay all of their bills for them and have online access to everything...so I can keep an eye on things. (Sometimes this casuses sensations like wanting to pull your hair out...so be careful what you wish for....lol)

You need to try to get your mom to open her eyes. Believe me, you and your mom will be glad you did when retirement arrives.

Perhaps showing your mom where she is heading...as opposed to where she could be if she 'just tweaked' a few things....Sometimes the 'big picture' will get people to stop and think.

Good luck to you.

[Ima saver]

I had a friend whose mother charged everything she saw on tv on her credit cards. She had no income except social security. He called the credit card companies and tried to get her accounts closed, but the cc company would not do it!

[kealina]

i'm glad you posted this too.... i worry about my MIL because although my parents and FIL will be ok unless there is some unexpected emergency (and even then they have a support system outside of us) my MIL is heading for trouble and there is only her son, DH, and her flaky spendy daughter to bail her out...
unfortunately we have offered and she has refused as she is very touchy about her finances.... i have suggested to DH that we start saving any money she gives us for the future when she is sure to need it but one of his principles has to do with not accepting money from his parents because they come with too many strings... *sigh* at least she is saving slightly more now that SIL, who is spendy and high-maintenance, has moved out...

i guess i'm just worried because SIL is going to college and i can see both parents shelling out lots of money for her because that's the kind of person she is... and i feel bad because they never helped DH and he had to work and pay for it himself.... so they don't even offer to help the money savvy, saver child and then give hundreds or thousands of dollars to his latte factor, designer label, flaky sister....lol... vent done...

makes me glad that we're able to save on our own and don't plan to be depending on these people.... and glad i have found this site with other savers/debt payers to give us motivation and inspiration...

[frugalfarmwife]

I wish you luck with this and hope you have a better outcome than we did.

My MIL actually came to us and ask for help, we had NO CLUE she was in trouble. She'd inherited a substancial amount of money and sold her house that she'd owned free and clear, then bought a condo and new car, oh and went into business with her sister. We THOUGHT everything was fine.

Until we sat down with her bills, ACK! She'd gone through almost all the inheritance, has a large mortgage on the condo, has an equity line on the condo (did this to pay off the CC's she'd run up) and had about 40,000 on her CC's AGAIN! More was going out than coming in monthly, late charges on her CC's monthly,baby brother uses her CC and she pays it, she's signed for vehicles for the other boys, was paying for the other kids cell phones (they're in their 30's!) She'd even bought one grand daughter a bedroom set on payments (high interest). We had ask for NOTHING, she's given us two cash gifts but not that large and we put them to good use.

We went through everything with her, started to set things up and all HADES broke out in the family, younger brother was sucking her dry but he's her baby (yeah, right, 30, married with a kid!) So baby brother and I had a knock down drag out about his leaching, funny, he got off his butt and got a job after I reamed him, but I'm the bad guy now, he whined to mommy about me.

Baby brother even had the nerve to tell me that we're part of the reason she's in debt because we didn't see what she was doing and stop her!(We live an hour away and have our own lives).

MIL is still in SERIOUS debt but is now planning her vacation to Vegas.

And we're the bad guys in the family, go figure.

Good luck, hope your try at it goes better than ours did.

kj

[JoyJoy]

One of the wisest things my girl friend did for me was to point me to the AARP.org bulletin when I was in my early 40's. She advised me that I did not have to be a senior citizen to join AARP; that I could join as an associate member. This would be, in my opinion, a good magazine for your mother and for you to read. (I didn't care for their credit card through Chase Card Services, but that's another "show").

My AARP bulletin arrived today and there is a wealth of information this month on getting smart with your money and the simple steps to take at ages 50, 60, and 70+! There are 6 makeovers as well. Go to www.aarp.org/bulletin and view the bulletin!

[wwjdmsl]

Tough situation....it seems that we can tell our family members the exact same thing as many of the "experts" but we will be the last ones they listen to. Sometimes the most effective way is to talk about the mistakes or things that have been learned by our own money mistakes and share how we learned and turned it around.

[The Budget Man]

Who owns the problem?
Is it the "mom" or is it the "child"?

Until the "Mom" has a problem then there is very little that can be done beyond letting the relative know that if they are interested there are great ways they can be helped.

Trying to get someone to change their ways BEFORE they admit to needing help is like sunbaking in the winter... a total waste of time. Worse still it uses up relationships that will be needed to help in the near future.

Enjoy your money
The Budget Man

[ladymiller]

Wow....it is hard to help your parent, but sometimes you have to! My mother is in her late 80"s so I have had to start helping her. She is very frugel though, so that makes it so much easier.

Wish you well with your mother.

Mary Ann

[lillyb]

The sense of dread I've been feeling just got worse, lol. The OP describes my mom to a 'T'. No plans at all to try to fix herself but will turn to her children (who've been trying to get her to help herself) when she will need help in the future. Bad, bad situation.

[sweeps]

The latest issue of Money magazine (July 06) has several articles on caring for aging parents. Might be worth a read.

[BCHGRL]

I read an article on CNN Money or MSN this week about how few baby boomers are prepared for retirement.

My mom is the same way, and my dad leaves the finances to her. My downfall is that I was very unfrugal in my early twenties -so when I even suggest budget or try to talk to her, she brings up my days of 200 shoes.

She took out a loan to give me a gift for my wedding in April (and didn't tell my dad who thought they had plenty of money with all the overtime he has been working.) I didn't know about it until after the fact. Even though I am 27, she spends $1K or more on just myself and my husband for Christmas. I've begged her not to do so much, but nothing changes.

I have a business trip to Europe this fall. She wants to accompany me, and her first comment was that she could take out a loan to finance it.

I know she is trying to get better. She no longer visits TJ Maxx every week. I just wish she would have the financial awakening I did at 26. Her 50th birthday is in a few months so maybe it will awaken her to reality - maybe! It would just kill me to see my parents in a desperate financial situation when they enter their golden years.

[The Budget Man]

Originally Posted by ladymiller

Wow....it is hard to help your parent, but sometimes you have to! My mother is in her late 80"s so I have had to start helping her. She is very frugel though, so that makes it so much easier.

Wish you well with your mother.

Mary Ann

It's great that so many children can help their parents when they are older. It comes down to having the relationship now so that when the time comes you can help. Sometimes there are legal things that can be done to set up what will happen later on. Many older people choose to put the legal rights and protections in place while they still have the ability to be in control of the process.

I spent some time this morning with a gentleman who had sorted his finances well and passed the family farm to the sons. Now 15 years later the structure is in place as he is becoming frailer and less able to look after his money.

Enjoy Your Money
The Budget Man

www.PersonalityBudgeting.com
when you need a budget that works

[geneandmegan]

I really appreciate this whole thread b/c I have to say I struggle with the same thing. One of my friends calls it the "wiped your butt" syndrome (ie. they wiped your butt as a baby so they won't listen to anything you have to say now that you are an adult). Sounds crude, but I find it might have some truth.

I mean, it's not like (at least I don't think it's like) she's in a nightmarish situation (like some of the ones described here) but then, she's not on a budget, and doesn't always have enough to pay the bills, or buy food, or stuff like that.

Everything I try, from mentioning great sales, or how much we saved buying bulk, or how comforting a budget is so we know how much we have for everything, or simple around-the-house money saving tips, or ANYTHING are met with the same "That's nice", distant nod kind of reaction. If I push, she gets angry and then absolutely won't listen to anything I say.

What should I do?